| Born Again |
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BORN AGAIN As a child, I was brought up in a strict Baptist atmosphere. Certain rules were obeyed – man made ones such as , no music, TV or reading novels on Sundays, and God’s rules, mainly the ten commandments which I knew by heart, as well as the Lord’s Prayer and John 3:16. All this by the time I was 10. Jesus loves me, this I knew, thanks to my God loving parents. I even remember talking in tougues once, but it scared me terribly – I was so young. At the age of 12, I was proclaiming God as my witness to strangers and passers by on Parramatta Road, Petersham – a very busy thoroughfare in Sydney. By age 13, I was baptised in our local church in front of a large congregation, having given a moving testimony. Now I could really do God’s work. I had reached into the hearts of two unhappy school mates, who were attending church with me. They wanted what I had – peace and happiness. Then the work of Satan began. I was ridiculed at school for being a goody two shoes, even physically attacked for my beliefs. When peer pressure was at its strongest, this teenager began to question the standards on which she has been brought up. I asked the hard questions of the minister. Do people who never hear the word of God go to hell because they have not accepted Jesus into their lives? Yes was the answer. Would a murderer who has lived a godless life all his life go to heaven by accepting Jesus into his life the hour before his death? Yes was the answer. Just exactly how did the crucifixion of Christ save us as a species? Where is heaven? Where is hell? Why aren’t there miracles anymore? Why doesn’t Jesus answer my prayers? Why do people suffer if God is so merciful? How can He say He loves us and let the atrocities of the world go on? Why have so many died in wars that are religion based? The questions kept coming but the answers were unsatisfactory. Why does everyone else appear to be having so much fun, while I am looking at stuffy old people singing stuffy old hymns in a cold church with hard pews? It didn’t take long for me to cast my critical eye over the church attendants and make realisations of their imperfections and hypocrisies. Why, I even had a well respected missionary molest me. No, Christianity is just a crutch for weak minded people, I decided. So I threw the baby out with the bath water. It all had to go. I could not deny a higher power though. I have always known that it exists. I just didn’t know the form of its existance. I decided the Bible was a good book, but not the word of God. I decided Jesus was a great prophet, nothing more. I started my search into other religions. And I started to have fun. Lots of fun. Now I had more friends, more boyfriends, more social engagements and good times. The passage of life has taken me from those rebellious teenage years; through my twenties, when I met my agnostic husband and bore two children; through my thirties, when I suffered a marriage breakdown and a mid life crisis; and into my forties – a second marriage and some health issues. I can honestly say that even though I have tried to lead a good life, never intentionally hurting anyone, and always believing in ‘karma’, I have failed miserably. My best has never been good enough. And I suffered |
an inner conflict that had a terrible grip on me. I had no peace in my heart. The guilt of everything lay heavy on my heart. I should have done this differently. I should have done that better. Guilt tore me apart. Why did I have to feel so guilty for my very existance? The health issue I mentined before was the breaking point for me. That was when I was born again. That was when God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Spirit came to me in my need. I couldn’t breathe, I had a crushing pain in my shoulder. I didn’t pray for help. I didn’t cry out for God. I didn’t need to. He was there – His presence transcended the pain. He wrapped his loving arms around me as a loving father would do. I felt the cloak of His Righteousness. I could feel Him right there with me, and He spoke with me. He told me that He stopped me breathing so that He could get my attention. He told me that I must never smoke again because it would kill me and that He wanted me to keep living. He wanted more from my life – He wanted my life to be a witness for Him. I asked, “What do I need to do to be your witness?” He said, “Why, Pauline, the very thing you have lived the past 35 years without – Faith and obedience. When Satan succeeded in destroying your faith, guilt and conflict have been your companion. Now take Faith as your companion, and peace will be yours again. Don’t you know I have never lift your side? Don’t you know I have always been there for you? Can’t you remember the times I took over the steering wheel during those long drives to Sydney with the children? Can’t you remember the times I kept you safe during your travels? Amsterdam? Naples? What did you call it? A gut feeling? No such thing.” I asked Him about the questions that plagued me as a child. I must say, He doesn’t mince with words and He can even be quite funny sometimes. Not boring at all, actually, and very nice to talk to when you obey Him. Watch out if you don’t! He said, “My time is not your time. My justice is not your justice. The way I love is not the same as the way you love, and thank goodness for that! My forgiveness is not the same as your ability to forgive, and thank goodness for that too. And concerning your questions of Jesus, read your Bible again. It will make more sense to you this time. And the question about miracles – well you know the answer to that one now don’t you?” And so I continue living. I have no idea what His plans for me are. But I believe in Him. His Spirit is in me, I can feel the change. My husband notices too. I do have peace. I do not worry about material things anymore, nor do I covet them. Whilst I am not working I am able to read my Bible and other religious books daily. I take fellowship with the family. I speak to Him daily. I don’t ask for anything from Him. But I praise Him daily and I thank Him for loving me and for saving me. He reminds me when I blaspheme, when I start to lose faith in myself, and sometimes He puts words in my mouth and ideas in my head. Other times He speaks to me directly. I am constantly amazed that I could have doubted Him all those years. I, Pauline Bos, am 48 years old, and born again. |