Dad and Mom were deeply in love. Many couples, today, love each other for a
while. However, their love is like a
sparkler, glowing brilliantly for a brief period of time and then fizzling
out. Then came the divorce. That was how all my relationships worked out,
but Dad and Mom were true to each other till the day she died. He never remarried.
I
still recall the day at the cemetery, when Mom was buried. A soft rain was falling and a light breeze
was blowing. The priest was standing
over the grave in his black robe. He
said his bit, made the sign of the cross, and Mom was lowered into the
ground. Dad held me close to him under
his umbrella. Then I looked up at his
face and saw tears streaming down. That
was the only time I had ever seen him cry.
It was then that I knew I would always love him, in spite of his faults.
His
worse fault is that he is a bigot. I
guess he became that way because of his upbringing. His father was a descendent of Confederate
Mississippians. His father had worked in a box factory and Dad had worked in a
tire plant. Dad had followed in his father’s footsteps in so many ways. The
racism of his father had been ingrained in my Dad. Therefore, I knew, I was in for trouble when
I decided to marry a black woman.
She
and I had been going together for three months. I hadn’t told Dad about her
though. I knew is would make him
explode. Besides I was a grown man. It
was my business whom I dated. I remember when the trouble started. Dad and I were watching the news on the old
Zenith in the living room. The Democratic candidate for president, Bill
Clinton, was on TV giving a talk to B’nai Brith in
I
got up and began walking toward the kitchen.
Dad said, ”Where are you going?
Stay here. I want to talk with
you.”
I
stood, hovering over him fidgeting. Then
Dad began one of his famous monologues.
He said, ”Son, a college education doesn’t cut it in this world. You need common sense. Book sense alone won’t get you anywhere in
this world.”
I
sat back down, sinking into the plush cushions of the couch, and resigned
myself to hearing him out. He leaned
over in his chair and looked me straight in the eyes. He said, ”Son, I didn’t even graduate high
school, but I had college graduates working under me. I’ve seen college kids I wouldn’t hire for
any job. Half of them are educated
fools.”
I
looked down, took a deep breath, and acknowledged his points with pithy, pained
replies,” I know Dad.”
Dad
reached over to the coffee table, grasped the remote control, and turned off
the TV. He went on, ”Son, you’ve had how
many jobs? I’ve lost count. Now you’re forty five years old and going back
to school. That’s good. But go to the
I
sighed and lay back, sinking into the couch.
I laid my hand across each other on my lap. We were silent for a moment and Dad appeared
as if he were about to say something. I
broke the silence saying, “I know how you feel about it Dad, but I’m going
anyway.”
Dad
said, “Go then. I’ve got nothing else to
say.”
Dad
aimed the remote control and flipped the TV back on. Dad said over the noise of
the TV, “You’re nothing but a crazy knee jerk bleeding heart liberal.”
I
yawned and muttered so softly he couldn’t hear, ”And proud of it.”
Dad
looked up and grasped the remote control once more. He tried to turn the television off, but
didn’t have much luck. He got flustered,
aiming and pressing, and grimacing.
Finally the TV went off. He
turned around in his chair again, and said in a soft empathetic tone, “Son,
that wasn’t all I wanted to talk to you about. Don’t get married again. You saw what happened all the other
times. They’ll just take you for all
you’ve got and leave you high and dry.”
I
looked away from him at the blank television screen and said, changing the
subject, “Dad, I’ll make my own decisions, thank you.”
He
said, “All right, all right. Go right
ahead. Get married again. But don’t come running back to me with your
tail between your legs when she leaves you.”
Dad
angrily pointed the remote control like a weapon and flicked the TV back
on. As we sat watching the TV there was
a report on the riots in
I
cleared my throat twice and said, “Dad.”
He
looked at me curling his lips and said, “What is it son? I’m trying to watch the news.”
I
asked, “What would you do if I married a black girl?”
He
bellowed, “What kind of a crazy question is that? I’d kick your tail right out of this
house. That’s what I’d do.”
I
frowned and said, “Oh, I was just wondering.”
We
were silent a moment as the TV droned on.
I said, “Dad.”
In
consternation he exclaimed, “What is it son?
I’m trying to watch the news!”
I
said, “Dad I’m dating a black girl.”
He
grabbed the remote and swiftly clicked the TV off. He asked, “What did you say son?”
I
repeated, “I’m dating a black girl.”
He
shook his head angrily and yelled, “What the hell...?”
I
said, “Dad her name is Valerie and she’s a sophomore at Tulane. She deserves some respect from you. She’s the girl I’m going to marry.”
He
clenched his fists and said, “I don’t give a damn if she goes to Harvard. You said she’s a sophmore. How old is she?”
I
said, “twenty five, but...”
He
interrupted me retorting, “You’re old enough to be her father!”
I
replied softly, “Dad, age doesn’t matter if you love someone.”
He
said, “The hell it doesn’t. I wash my
hands of you. I’m disowning you as of
now. Go stay with her. I won’t put up with your crap anymore. But
mark my word, you’ll end up divorced and on my steps in less than a month. That is if you don’t give me a stroke.”
I
got off the couch and said, “I gotta go Dad.”
I
called Valerie and meekly asked, “Can I stay at your place tonight?”
She
took a deep breath and asked, “Your father?”
I
said, “Yes, I told him.”
She
said, “Come on over.”
As I
walked through the living room on my way out the door I told Dad, “I’ll pick up
my things tomorrow.”
Dad
looked down at the floor from the throne of his recliner and said, “I don’t
give a damn what you do.”
I
drove through the rainy streets. It was
dark. I turned the headlights on and
they made a halo in the mist rising from the hot pavement. Steam formed on my window shield. I turned on the defrost. The paper mill, closed now, loomed huge and
dark, as I passed down the fog bound forest road.
I
thought about the first day I met Valerie.
We met in line for a movie at the mall in
I
remember our conversation like it was yesterday. We sat at the table and ordered. While waiting for the food Valerie said, “I
don’t know anything about you. Tell me
about yourself.”
I
said, ”Oh that would bore you.”
She
stared directly into my eyes, disarming my resistance with her smile as her
eyes seemed to peer into my soul. She
said, “I want to know everything about you.”
I
said, “All right. You want me to reveal
everything?”
She
looked at me with her glittering eyes like laser beams aimed at my heart, and
said, “I want you to bare your soul to me.”
I
began, “I dropped out of college after the first year. I joined a commune. I was married.”
She
looked at me hungry to know more. She
asked, “What was your wife like?”
I
said, “She was a free spirit. I couldn’t
tame her. I didn’t even try too. We were both in love with the idea of being
in love. We were too young to know the
meaning of love.”
Valerie had a very serious look on her face. She asked, “If you had it to over again would
you have married her?”
I
said, “You remind me of her.”
Valerie asked, “Does that scare you?”
I
smiled and said, “Maybe a little.”
Valerie said, “I don’t use people. I’m not the type.”
I
looked at her and said, “You remind me of why I fell in love with her in the
first place. You make me feel alive in a
way I haven’t felt since I was dating her.”
Valerie said, “I never could commit to anyone either. I never stayed with a man for more than a
month.”
We
were silent for a moment. She spoke up
piercing the quiet and said, “I don’t believe in marriage. Do you?”
I
smiled and said, “I think it can work.”
She
smiled sipping the tea the waiter had brought.
She said, “You’re optimistic. I
like that.”
I
said, “If I weren’t optimistic, I wouldn’t make it through the day.”
She
said, “Maybe some of that optimism will rub off on me, if we stay together long
enough, that is if I like you. Do you
like me so far? Am I better than the
other girls you’ve been with?”
I
blushed and said, “Well, we’ve been together for four hours and we haven’t had
an argument. That’s progress.”
She
squinted at me asking, “Does that mean you like me?”
I
said, “I would have to answer that with an unqualified yes.”
She
said, ”Oh I like you.”
My
mind came back to the present momentarily.
I tightly gripped the steering wheel of the car clenching my hands
around it out of desperation. The light
rain had dissipated, but the fog out side was thick. I could see the glowing of the car lights as
I plowed down the foggy road. I was
desperate to get to Valerie’s as quickly as possible. My heart beat furiously and sweat poured down
my forehead. I wondered what would
happen to us now. For so long we had
pretended like love was all that mattered.
I
arrived at Valerie’s house and walked through the cold wet mist up to her
doorstep. She looked out through her
Venetian blinds and opened the door for me.
I walked in covered in sweat and walked into the bedroom where Valerie
was sitting, on the bed. My breathing
was fast and ragged as I sat next to her.
I said, “Honey, don’t worry about Dad.
I love you and we can make it with or without his approval.”
Valerie sat next to me and said, “Honey, I love you too, but we need to
think about this. This relationship is
getting so complicated. I need some time
to think.”
I
said, “I understand. There’s no need to
rush.”
She
kissed me lightly on the forehead and said, “Honey, I just want what’s best for
both of us.”
I
said, “Valerie, if he treats you with anything less than the dignity and
respect that you deserve, I’ll never talk to him again.”
Valerie said, “I wouldn’t want that.”
She was so selfless. I felt more
in love with her than ever. She lay
against me caressing my shoulders and chest.
I fell asleep.
I
slept late into the next morning. When I
woke up sunlight was streaming through Valerie’s Venetian blinds. I was lying next to Valerie and her arm was
lying across my bare chest. I gently
lifted her arm off my chest careful not to wake her. I left her a note telling her I didn’t want
to drag her into this situation that I loved her so much that I couldn’t bear
to see her suffer.
I
drove back to Dads. As I walked into the
door Dad was waiting in his recliner.
Before I could get a word in edgewise he said, ”Your mother would turn
in her grave if she knew what you were doing.”
I
glared at him saying, “Dad, I’m not going to marry Valerie. I am also leaving here. I can’t stand it anymore. I guess this is it Dad. I don’t expect I’ll ever see you again.”
Dad
smiled and said, “Oh come on son. She was one of those educated women. They’re
too liberated. She wouldn’t have been satisfied being your wife. She would have just divorced you like all the
others.”
I
said, “Dad, we have nothing more to say to each other. I’m going to start a new life for myself out
west. I’m going to marry any woman I
want to, black, yellow, red, Jewish, whatever.
You have no more say in my life anymore.
I don’t want you to be a part of my life.”
Dad
looked sad and then suddenly angry. He
yelled, “Your brains are fried from all those drugs you took in the
sixties. You’re a draft dodger and a
fool. You never could do the right
thing!”
I
walked into my bedroom. I looked down at
the single bed I had slept in since I was a kid so many years ago. On the wall were my trophies from swimming
and track. Dad had been so proud of me
when I got them. On the bed stand was a
picture of my mother. I picked it up and looked at it. Dad walked in and stood looking at me. He whispered, “You’re serious aren’t you
son?”
I
said, “Dead serious.”
He said, “Well, I guess you should be on your own. I’m too old to have you hanging around here. Just remember I love you no matter where you go.”
I
said, “Sometimes love isn’t enough”, and walked out carrying my duffle bag.
As I
drove south down Highway 61 towards
The
drill Sergeant yelled, “Get down puke and give me fifty.”
I
got down and did pushups till my arms got weak and I couldn’t do anymore.
The
drill Sergeant yelled,” Keep going puke.”
I
stood up and said, “I quit.”
The
drill Sergeant stuck out his chest and bellowed, “You can’t quit the United
States Coast Guard.”
I
walked away. Later I faked insanity by
walking around completely naked. The
psychiatrist tested me, asking me all sorts of absurd questions, like, “Do you
dream in color or black and white?” Finally they gave up and I got my section
eight.
I
was overjoyed, but Dad wasn’t. I had
given up. I just couldn’t hack it. I had been running away from responsibility
for most of my life.
I passed
over the causeway across the western side of
Night fell as I descended the causeway into the urban sprawl of
Soon
the lit up skyscrapers of
My mind drifted back to Valerie, her smile, her warm touch on my fevered brow. I felt as though I was adrift being carried farther and farther out to sea. I passed through the cities, kaleidoscope of lights and traffic. I felt very small, like a tiny fish in an immense ocean. I felt carried along by the current, powerless to change direction. This powerless feeling made me feel as though I were suffocating. At that moment I knew that I was running, as I had been most of my life.
I exited off the interstate and turned around. I drove through the darkness and felt something come together within my mind. It was as though all my life were focused on this point in time. All the events which had happened were preparing me for the next step. It was as though I had been lost at sea only to see the light house shining in darkness guiding me to shore.
By then the stars were out and the cool air flowed through the vents in my car. My heart pumped with excitement at my new found resolution. The miles un-wound, as though I was in a beautiful dream. In this dream I emerge from the stream of events leading from the past into an undetermined future in which freedom from purposelessness becomes my salvation. Now I am free to choose my own direction. I am following a path to a wholly unexpected place, full of miraculous surprises.
I arrived back at Valerie’s late at night and she greeted me with hugs and kisses. She said, “I was worried about you.”
I
kissed her and said, “Don’t worry. I
won’t leave you again. I thought I was
leaving for you, but really I just didn’t want to face the truth.”
Valerie led me to the bed. She
said, “I want you to make love to me.”
The
next morning we took a trip together to the gulf coast.
We
drove through the countryside of
The
morning passed into afternoon and we arrived in
We
lay on our beach towels listening to the waves lap the sand. The warm sun on
our bare skin seduced us into a blissful reverie. This afternoon Valerie seemed so
peaceful. She looked at me and we
kissed. I felt tremors go down my spine
from the touch of her warm wet lips on mine.
She looked so beautiful, with her dark slender legs curled. I felt as though I had been transported to
some utopian world far beyond fear or pain.
Valerie sat up, and pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin on
them, and wrapping her arms around her folded legs. She looked at me wistfully. She said, “Remember when we first met three
months ago.”
I
looked at her smiling. I said, “We were
standing in line for the Spike Lee movie.
You told me you hated standing in line.
I said I did too. We talked for a
while. Then I said, ’Why don’t we get
out of here and get something to eat?’”
She
rubbed some suntan lotion on her muscular shoulders and I reached over and
massaged her back. She said, “Mmmm...” She said,
“We went to that Chinese place.”
I said, ”Yea, and you ordered that vegetarian chop suey.”
She told
me, “Please go lower.” I reached down
and massaged the small of her back. She
lay down on her stomach and I ran my hand up and down her thighs, and hips
massaging her. She closed her eyes and
sighed. She said, “Yea, and you ordered
that pork stuff. What was that?”
“Sweet and sour,” I said, as I ran my fingers up and down her spine
reaching down her sacrum. I went on, “I
asked you if you were a vegetarian. You
said, ’Yea’.” I was thinking, ”Oh God, I
hope she’s not one of those new age health food freaks.’”
Valerie stretched her back and I reached under her sides and caressed
her stomach. She said, “I remember you
were wearing a tie dye shirt. I was
thinking’ Lord, he must be a hippie from the sixties. I hope he’s not into
drugs.’”
I asked her, “What attracts you to me?”
She
turned over on her side and placed her hand on my breast. She giggled and said, “What a silly question.
I believe in you. You’re going to get
your life together.”
I
touched her cheek and grazed her lips with the tip of my index finger. I said, “Sometimes I think I don’t deserve
you. You know about my father, being a
bigot. Why do you stay with me?”
She
kissed me and said, “I’ve never found a man I could share my feelings with like
you. All the men I knew were too macho
and uncomfortable with their masculinity.
You’re different. You’re not
afraid to bare your soul with me. On our
first day together I could see that you don’t build walls around your
self. I feel I can share a deeper level of
intimacy with you than I have with anyone ever.
I feel closer to you than I have ever felt toward anyone. We are soul-mates darling.”
Valerie and I walked back to the car.
After we got in and I started the car, the air conditioner blew cool and
refreshing. I said, to Valerie, ”Let’s
get married this weekend.”
She
laughed and said, “Why the rush honey?”
I
drove the car out onto the road and said, “I want to.”
She
asked, “Are you sure it’s not too soon.”
I
said, “I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.”
She
said, “All right let’s do it.”
When
we got back to the hotel I called Dad and invited him to the wedding. He said, “I’m watching football games this
weekend.”
I
said, “Dad, remember Mom. Remember how
much she meant to you. Well, Valerie
means that much too me. It would really
mean something to me if you came.”
Dad
said, “I’ll think about it.”
The
next day we made the journey back to
That
weekend Valerie and I went to the justice of the peace.
Dad
came in right before Valerie and I said, “I do.”
After the wedding I walked over to Dad.
He looked tired and his eyes were red.
Dad
said, “So you’ve done it.”
I
said, “Yes.”
Dad
said, “You know it was a mistake.”
I
said, “No Dad. I did the right thing.”
Dad
said,” I don’t like it.”
I
said, “You don’t have to.”
Dad
said, “Don’t expect me to baby sit the children.”
I
said, “I won’t ask and Dad, thank you for coming.”
I
hugged him and looked down at his face. For the first time since Mom’s burial I
saw tears in his eyes. I asked him, “Dad, why are you crying?”
He
looked up at me trembling with blood streaked eyes. He said, “Every parent has a right to cry at
their child’s wedding.”