Being old isn’t all bad. My life is a lot more peaceful now. It seems like I’ve mellowed out a lot in the last few years.  I haven’t been with a woman since Beth. Life is less complicated now that I live alone. Those emotional entanglements can wear on your nerves.  But then there’s the loneliness. It wouldn’t be so bad if I got out more. But with my bad knee I don’t get around as much as I used too. I got more aches and pains than your average geriatric. But I can’t complain. At least I got a roof over my head. Beth would be proud of me for standing up so well.  But on nights like these she haunts me.  I never was very emotional but I feel so alone without her.  I never knew how much I needed her till she was gone.  Funny how we take people for granted, like they’re immortal or something. 
     I’m not superstitious but sometimes I could swear I feel her presence in the room. I guess I must be losing my marbles. But she was all I ever had in life. Now time is marked by moments of quiet desperation.  It’s frightening how quickly time moves on. Sometimes I replay the memories like an old movie reel in my mind. The images are fleeting but so poignant.  I savor the memories like fine wine; the sweet taste of her mouth; her alluring scent; the seductive smoldering of her dark eyes; the feel of her silky fingers caressing my face.  The film rolls on in my minds eye till I’m entranced in cinematic visions of the past.   Tonight’s feature presentation is the beginning when we first embarked on our journey together.
     I was sitting in the back of the restaurant, out of range of prying eyes when the waitress gave me a sidelong glance. She was looking mighty worried. My week old beard and scraggly hair made me look like a bum. But I didn't care. I hadn't cared for twenty years, ever since she left me. One night I came home.  She and the kids weren't there. It didn't take me but a moment to get beyond the delusion that they were out to the movies or visiting Cousin Betty. I knew at that moment the course my life would take as sure as I knew the morning would come. I didn't think I'd stay there at the restaurant. It didn't feel comfortable. Nowhere felt comfortable. Maybe I'd hang out at the apartment and watch some late night TV.
      I looked in the mirror. I saw a tired old man. But I didn't give a shit. Everyone gets old. So what if I had blood shot eyes with wrinkles and puffy cheeks. Hell I didn't look bad for a fifty five year old. It could have been be worse. I could have been strung out on coke or sipping my dinner from a paper sack.  I spent my days hanging out at the soup kitchen. I saw the same old faces. It felt good to get out and get a change of scenery. Man what I wouldn't have given to have a few bucks in my pocket though. I hadn't been to a movie in ages. Mostly I watched reruns on TV and listened to the radio news till I fell asleep. It was the same tired old world with different players. The game hadn't changed that much. I hadn't really changed that much, just gotten a little older, not smarter though. Well you've heard enough of my bull for one night. Think I'll turn in.
     If you see my ex-wife Sammy tell her I still got her photograph. Naw., just tell her I never mention her anymore. Lies can make life easier sometimes. I'd vowed never to get involved with a woman again. Some one was knocking at the door. I thought it was Beth. She had tried to off herself the other night. I sat up with her all night. She was starting to scream. My God, I thought. It sounds like she’s gonna pound the door down.  I heard thunder outside. The wind was blowing something fierce! Gonna be one hell of a storm, I thought.
     “Cut the crap, Beth!”, I yelled through the door. “Bob, I’ve got to see you. Please! I feel like shit.”
     I stared right through the peep hole at her face. My God! She looked like one of those women that lived like an animal in the woods since childhood. What do they call those children? Feral children. Yea, I remembered, like in that movie with Jodie Foster. I had some education. I used to be a school teacher. But I never took it that seriously. When Sammy left, I got real depressed. They gave me an early retirement. Since then I had a phobia about working. I simply couldn’t face people in a classroom, office, or anywhere else for that matter. Well let’s get back to Beth. I saw a wild look in her eyes. It was the same look I saw in that guys eyes that knifed me back in the merchant marines. I wasn’t letting her in this room that’s for sure. No telling what she might do.
     I watched her eyes like a hawk through the peep hole. They were blood streaked. I watched her for a few minutes. She just stood there pleading. “Please Bob. You can’t leave me out here. I might kill myself if you don’t let me in!”
    I stayed focused on her eyes. Her words just went in one ear and out the other. After a couple of minutes her eyes softened. I saw that warmth in them which had made me talk to her in the laundry room a couple of years ago. Man what I didn’t know then! If I’d of known what a lunatic she was I wouldn’t have come within ten feet of her. But she seemed sweet. She even looked alright. Not a beauty queen but nothing to turn your nose at.  I unlocked the deadbolt and slowly opened the door. She pushed the door with all her strength and came plunging in.  The first thing she did was fall on the sofa and throw off her slippers.
    I knelt beside her and stroked her wild hair. She trembled like a heroin addict gone cold turkey.  I looked into her eyes and saw real fear. She touched my face and whimpered, ”Oh Bob, I need you so bad!”
    I said, ”I know baby. Baby, I know it’s hard to face. But you’ve got to take your medicine. It don’t mean you’re any  worse than me or anyone else. But you need that. If you don’t take it nobody can help you.”
    She smiled. It looked strange to see such a distraught person laugh. She caressed my cheeks. She said, ”Bob when are we going get married and settle down? You know, you could go back to teaching. I could get a clerical job. We could make a go of it. We could make it you and me.”
    I looked down at her with a sorrowful look. She screamed and her whole body tensed. She said, ”Don’t give me that look Bob!”
    I stroked her hair and then her face. She put her fingers to my lips and said, ”SHHH, Bob, don’t tell me we can’t make it. Don’t tell me that. I don’t want to hear it! Nobody is going to take away my dreams. They’re all I got left. You take that away from me and I’ll fizzle and die.”
    I just looked at her and said, ”OK Beth.  I won’t say anything. I’ve got to go get something to eat. It’s late. You need some rest. You know I need my space. You sleep in the bedroom. I’ll take the couch.”
     Beth wept softly till 2:00 in the morning. I could hear her from the couch.  Man, I just didn’t know what to do with her. She was getting to be a real liability. I lay on the couch watching a late night movie. They had Hitchcock’s “The Birds.” It took my mind off my problems. Everyone needs to do that. Fantasy is a necessity of life, especially for people like me.  If I had to face cold hard reality every waking moment I’d be in the state Beth is in.
   Well, finally the movie got to the gory climax. I shut it off and lay on the couch thinking all night. You’d think after this night with Beth, that’s all I could think about. But naw, I reminisced about my ex-wife Sammy and the good times. I remembered our dating years and that trip out west. We camped in the Rockies in late summer.

     I remember this one lake high up around Aspen. We’d lay out there in lawn chairs by the tent watching the wind blow across the lake. The air was so cool, I wish I could’ve brought some back to Louisiana.  Even though Sammy and I weren’t touching, even though we were just sitting there quietly, I felt closer to her at that moment than I’d ever felt to another human being. But I had to remind myself that this was a sort of fantasy. Even though it really happened, now it was a fantasy. It was like one of those Greek myths. In the memory of the people who experienced the events, they took on a more magical than life quality. That’s why it seemed with time all my memories became colored with that magical quality. The old times seemed to take on a glow. Sometimes it felt like those things never really happened. After she left me and all the hard feelings came, I couldn’t imagine how I could have ever loved her. Ah well to hell with it. I day dreamed too much. I needed to focus on the here and now.
    Well there was this other human being in the bedroom to consider.  I did have feelings for her. Even though I considered her a liability, I cared.  It was just that I didn’t know how to reach her. Sometimes I was afraid of her. Not so much that she’d physically hurt me or anything. Maybe I was afraid that she’d try to waken my sleeping emotions. I wanted my emotions to rest in peace. I’d had enough torment from them already. Like I said, I’m a tired old man. I look a lot older than I am. I feel a lot older than I am.  So what business did I have taking her in? Why should I be her care taker? Who appointed me? It certainly wasn’t God, because he and I weren’t on speaking terms.  I didn’t think he’d presume to ask me to do anything for him. I used to pray all the time. But ever since my life had gone down the toilet I didn’t ask God for anything. And I expected the same from him.
     Well the morning was coming. Oh man did I dread her waking up. What kind of a trip was she going to lay on me this time. She was always talking that marriage crap. I thought she really must be crazy to think she could corner me into that trap! I would no sooner have gotten married again than I would have cut off my fingers. So I wished she’d just forget about it. Every time she opened her mouth, the subject eventually came back to that. Maybe I should’ve just moved out and not told anyone where I went, I thought. Sure she would’ve tried to track me down. But I’m pretty good at covering my tracks. I could’ve left town even. She wouldn’t have found me in a million years.
     Well I could hear the bath tub faucet running. She must be getting freshened up, I thought. She can take two or three hours to get freshened up. Well, I might as well make us some breakfast, I thought.  I didn’t have much food, but I wouldn’t have felt right eating and not sharing it with her. As I said, I did care.  I went to the stove and fried up some eggs and bacon. Then I remembered she’s Jewish and didn’t eat pork. So I got double portions of bacon that morning. Thank you God for small favors, I thought. Whoops, I wasn’t supposed to be talking to you God. So just ignore that and go back to whatever you were doing.
     I had the spread laid out by the time she came out in my bathrobe.  She looked kind of cute with her dimples and curly dark hair. She also looked like she’d chilled some. Well maybe it wouldn’t be a bad morning after all.  She sat down and dove right into the eggs and grits. I watched her chew her food. She looked very contented. I felt happy just to see her back to normal, whatever that was for her.  I said, ”Well good morning sweet heart. I can see that rest did you a world of good. You look brand new!”
    She smiled and took a sip of orange juice. She said, ”Well honey, I took my lithium last night. I feel like a million bucks!”
    I looked up from the paper I was reading and said, ”Really. It works that fast?” I recovered, ”Well good for you!!!”
     I asked, ”What made you decide to take it?”
     She said, ”I did it for you. I knew we couldn’t make it if I didn’t” I felt the mouth of the trap closing around me again. This siren was so tempting. But I knew that was just another one of my fantasies, just like traveling to Europe or going back for my PHD. It wouldn’t happen in a million years. Fantasies are so dangerous. I could end up married. She might drive me crazy. I might end up needing lithium with her hanging on me. All these worries came.
    I went back to reading my newspaper and she went back to eating. In the health and fitness section there was an article about how marriage improves a person’s health. Married men live longer than bachelors. That was just so much propaganda I thought.
     Beth got up and relined on the couch. One of her legs stuck out of her robe and man did she look gorgeous. That beauty rest made her look like a queen. Even those lines in her face took on a beautiful quality. Even though she was about twenty pounds too heavy and had touches of grey mixed in with her raven black hair she looked fantastic. I felt fear grip the pit of my stomach. Was I falling in love again? It couldn’t be. I would never let that happen.
     I turned my eyes and looked at the television. It got kind of hypnotic looking at her lying on the couch. I could look all day. I was already falling into a trance. I felt the warning signs. Maybe I was not quite in love, but I was certainly in the infatuation stage. If I could only pull out before it was too late.
    Beth looked at me from the couch. Those dark eyes seemed to radiate. I felt the pull of attraction. I walked over to her and sat on the floor beside her. I saw her foot dangling over the edge of the couch and reached out to grasp it. I began massaging the soles of her feet. She closed her eyes and smiled. My hand wandered up her calf and to her thigh.  She slipped off her robe. The rest was history.
     Afterward we lay in bed together. I watched her sleep. She had such a baby face as she lay there with her dimpled cheeks. She’s was really cute. She got up and we got dressed and went out.
    We went back to the restaurant I had been at the previous night. I ordered coffee. She ordered milk and Danish. I still looked like a revolutionary guerilla from Central America, with my unshaven face and shabby Salvation Army cloths.  Beth looked at me and asked, ”Why don’t you shave Bob? And why don’t you get some decent cloths?”
    I held my coffee cup tensely. I said, ”Baby what you see is what you get. I don’t work. I don’t go out to parties. What do I care what people think? It ain’t like my job or anything else depends on it.”
    Beth chewed on her Danish. She said, ”But honey don’t you wanna look like somebody?  You act like you don’t even care anymore. You wouldn’t get those funny looks from people if you dressed half way decent.”
    I said, ”To hell with them. Half the time they ignore me anyway. I’m just myself. You can take me or leave me.”
    Beth looked at me with her puppy dog eyes. She said, ”Awww honey, I didn’t mean to make you angry. I just care about you that’s all.”
    I said, ”Well listen. Don’t fall for me. I’m just a beaten up ole guy.  I don’t have anything to offer you except some company once in a while.  And hey, stop calling my honey for God’s sake. I ain’t your honey. I’m just a stranger you met in the laundry room who’s good for a few meals every now and then, nothing more.”
   Beth began weeping again. I asked, ”Beth did you take your medicine this morning? Are you having another episode?”
    Beth said, ”Oh you’re such a pompous ass! You think any sign of emotion in me is part of my illness. Well let me tell you something mister, I’m just a human being. You are too. If you’d let yourself feel once in a while maybe the world would treat you better. You’re always bitching about the way the cashier treats you or the lady down the hall. Have you ever in your life considered that if you softened up a little people would be nicer to you?”
    I was flabbergasted. I looked at her and said, ”Beth, I know what you’re saying. I understand, really I do. But I’m too old to change. If I tried to change now, I’d end up more messed up than I already am. You’ve got to understand.”
    Beth got up from the table. She said, ”Oh I understand well enough. You’re just afraid. A big tough man like you is afraid of little ole me. Afraid, I might make you feel something. Well, mister, I don’t need this crap. When you decide to let me into your heart, give me a ring. I can do without your macho bullshit. You know something. You’re really a wimp. You act all tough and self assured but deep down you’re just a frightened little boy. It’s time to grow up Bobby boy. Women aren’t out to de-ball you. I’m not the weak one. You are!”
    She got up and huffed out of the restaurant. People were staring at me. I decided to split that joint pronto.  I paid the waitress and she looked down at me with a look of disgust. I looked down ashamed of the scene we’d made and skulked out of there in a hurry.
    I walked to Audubon Park and sat down on the grass by the pond watching a little girl and her mother feeding the ducks. That little girl looked so carefree. I wished I could crawl into hole and stay there for a long time. I remembered feeding the ducks with my father back in the days of Yor. That was a long time ago. The little girl looked over at me. I smiled at her. It was the first time I’d smiled at anyone in a long time. She ran up to me laughing. I made a funny face and she laughed some more. Her mother called her and she ran back to her. I felt a little buzz. I couldn’t explain why. After all I hadn’t played with a kid, well since Sammy. I thought I didn’t care about kids anymore. Sure I used to teach them. But that was just a job. Or so I thought. Actually now that I recall I did used to feel something for those kids I taught. I’d just forgotten.
    But there was no use dredging up old memories I thought.  And then there were Joey and Suzy, my son and daughter with Sammy. Suddenly I felt a flood of love for them. This feeling was so powerful. I couldn’t control it. I began weeping. I wondered if I was getting sick like Beth.  But it didn’t entirely feel bad. In fact there was something comforting in these emotions coming from somewhere I couldn’t place. The little girl and her mother had long since gone. So once again I was alone by the pond, with only the ducks to keep me company. I missed Beth. I wished she were here with me. But I figured I had blown it with her.  I had about as much chance of getting her back as I had of winning the lottery.  But even with the lottery someone has to win. So why didn’t I take a shot? After all it couldn’t hurt trying.
    I walked down the city streets and saw some high school kids shooting hoops behind a fence. I walked into the basketball court asked one of them wearing a bandana if I could shoot once.  He said,”Yea. Sure mister. Why not?”
    I took the basketball from him and shot and missed. One of the kids threw the ball back to me. This time I shot it right through the hoop. I hadn’t lost it completely. I could still shot a hoop from twenty feet. Not bad for an old worn out man I thought.  I handed the kid back the ball and he gave me a high five. I said, ”Thanks man.”  He said, ”Anytime.”
     I walked down by the drug store and went in and bought some razors and shaving cream. The cashier girl asked, ”Are you having a good day?”
     I said, ”I couldn’t be better. How about yourself?”
     She said, ”Oh. it’s going alright. My car’s in the shop.  But its nothing serious. It’s just a bad spark plug. So I guess you could say life’s treating me good.” 
     I smiled asked, ”So when do you get your car back?”
     She said, ”Oh probably tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. I’m taking my boyfriend out this weekend and need the car.” 
     I smiled and said, ”So you’re taking him out. That’s great. I bet your looking forward to that.”
     She said, ”Oh yea, we’re going to see that new Julia Roberts movie. Then we’re going to dinner.” 
     “Well that’s sweet of him to take you to dinner. You two have a great time.” She smiled and handed me the bag.
      As I turned to go she said, ”Thanks, bye.”
      I hadn’t been that friendly to a cashier in years. It felt refreshing. I felt like I had a new lease on life.  I walked down the street whistling. When I got back I knocked on Beth’s door. No answer. Oh shit! Maybe I wouldn’t get a second chance. Maybe she’d skipped out. My imagination went wild imagining what could have happened to her. But my good sense told me she was probably just out. I went back to my apartment and caught the five o’clock news. There were supposed to be some more storms heading our way; big ones. I hoped Beth didn’t get caught in one. When she was on one of her mood swings, she got lost sometimes. I’ve had to come get her out of stores with the manager pissed off because she was weirding out the customers. Seeing how she was at lunch there was no telling what condition she was in. I prayed to God she wasn’t freaking out somewhere, maybe in jail. 

     I thought, maybe the occasional prayer wouldn’t hurt. After all I had a good day. Maybe God helped out even if I didn’t thank him. Maybe I could cut a deal with God. If I started caring more maybe he’d cut me a little slack in the trials and tribulations department.  As they say God helps those who help themselves. Well, I’m not really very religious. Not even sure God exists. But sometimes I get a funny feeling someone is watching me even when I’m alone. Call it my guardian angel or whatever. It was probably just my over active imagination. But who knows. I’ll leave that to the philosophers.
    I watched Anne Bancroft in “The Miracle Worker.”  I hadn’t seen that one in years.  They don’t make them like that anymore. I felt like an antique myself. But that wasn’t entirely bad. After all antiques increase in value as they get older. So maybe I did have something to offer Beth. Maybe she didn’t see me as an old wreck but as a fine old wine. That’s the way I was beginning to feel about her. Even her baggy eyes looked cute, but her heart was more beautiful than a rainbow. I could still see the little girl in her when she smiled.

     Well now I was hooked on her. There was no going back.  Maybe what I thought of as a trap was really a door. I could see that now. But I was getting anxious. It was getting on midnight and she wasn’t back. I’d knocked on her door dozens of times.  Usually I’d have at least gotten a call from the police to come get her by now.  Oh Jesus, maybe I’ve lost her for good this time, I thought. If only I would have accepted her offer long ago. Why couldn’t I see the light? Was I an emotional deaf mute?
     Suddenly I heard a knock on the door. I looked through the peep hole and saw Beth standing there in her night gown. I opened the door. I said, ”Christ, where have you been. I was worried sick. I was about to report you missing to the police.”
     Beth said, ”Oh I was home all the time. I just wanted to see how persistent you’d be. I expected you’d give up after an hour or so. But you proved me wrong. So what’s the deal? I thought we’d said everything that needed to be said earlier?  Why’d you come knocking on my door?”
      I said, ”Please come on in. Sit down. I’ve got to tell you something.”
      Beth relined on the couch in her usual position. She brushed the hair out of her eyes and yawned.  I said, ”Beth, baby, when you walked out of that restaurant, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.”
   Beth squinted at me and wrinkled her brow. I went on, ”Beth, I’m not good with words. But what I’m trying to say is I’m lost without you. All this time I thought I was supporting you. But in reality I need you just as much as you need me. Every time you come knocking on my door my heart beats a mile a minute. I never understood why until now. It’s because I love you baby. I thought I didn’t need your love, but it’s plain to see I do. When I couldn’t find you tonight I panicked. I thought I’d lost you forever. But you came back. You always do, even when you go into one of your episodes. I’m old and worn out. We need to set up shop together.”
     Beth looked at me with those puppy eyes.  She said, ”You mean for life?”
     I knelt beside her and took her hand. I said, ”You better believe it.”
     Beth said, ”Bob, you’re such a romantic. Now if I can only get you to wash dishes for me and cook.”
      I said, ”Oh baby, it’ll come with time.”  She looked at me like she knew better. We kissed. It was sweeter than a lollipop.
     The years unfolded in a surreal procession. Dreams and hurts came and went like the hurricanes which ravaged our city.  Faces long familiar were forgotten. The Ghosts of my former life still haunted me. But as seasons passed, memories which used to be laced with pain became faded and even pleasant.  Beth lived many years and we weathered many ups and downs.
   Once Beth asked me, ”How do you put up with me being so crazy all the time?”
   I volleyed, ”I’m not the sanest person either. How do you put up with a nutty old guy like me?”
   Beth said, ”I’ve thought about trading you in for a newer model, but then I figure they don’t make them like they used too.” Beth always was a joker.  I sure could use one of her one-liners right now.  Sometimes at night, I remember the last time we made love. Then I feel a physical craving for her which hurts so bad tears flow.  Man, I’d give anything to feel her warm body against me in bed.  Sometimes I take out one of her dresses and rub the fabric against my skin at night. I never washed them after she died. I could swear I can still smell her scent in the fabric. Her picture is yellowed and frayed around the edges. You can see the spark of gumption in her eyes. My girl had moxie.  I pick it up off the night stand and kiss it.  “Goodbye love.” I’m not a religious man but somehow I know we’ll meet again.