Safe
Won't you listen please
Baby don't walk out that door,
I'm on my knees,
and you're all I'm living for.
Won't you save me
if saved is what I need
I just wanna be by your side.
Won't you save me
I don't wanna be
just drifting through this sea of lies.
-Hanson, "Save Me"
I'd forgotten how amazing it felt to sleep with his arms around me. His hands are big, like the rest of him, and just rough enough to elicit a shiver when they rub down my back. It feels...safe. No one can touch me here, no one can hurt me. In his arms Nikolai doesn't exist, my career isn't threatened, I haven't upset my best friend in the world. In his arms it is just him and me, everything else is far away, too far for me to even acknowledge it. For two months, this is all I've wanted. To be here in his arms again.
He's sleeping, probably tired from the busy day he's had. He had a hell of a birthday party. His chest rises and falls slowly under my head, his heart beating a slow, steady rhythm against my ear. I'm laying half on top of him, one arm around his waist, flush against his side. He's got one arm around me, the palm of his hand on my lower back, squeezing me close every once in a while. I'd watch him, but I'm afraid of moving; I don't want to wake him. I just want to lie here and soak it all in. Its been too damn long.
The weekend has been the ultimate in emotional extremes. From complete humiliation and defeat with Nikolai, to anger and frustration with Andy and Sebastien, to devastation at seeing Nikolai leave this very room after a romp with Evan. And then elation, relief, stronger than anything I've ever felt before.
He loves me. He fucking loves me.
Its still hard to believe...I wanted it to be true for so long that I'd eventually convinced myself it could never happen. I was so certain that all those little signs were in my head, that I was just daydreaming. But I wasn't. It's real, it's true. We even have a fucking codeword for it.
Kennebunk.
Its a ridiculous word, but in my mind it already stood for something incredible. A weekend so perfect that it can never been ruined. And now it means so much more. He fell in love with me there. Love. Love. Jesus, I'm still having problems getting my mind around it. But it was there. I saw it in his eyes.
I needed that. I needed to know that even despite everything, despite Nikolai, despite how bad things have gotten...he can still love me. That just might be enough to give me the strength to fix things. To end whatever this fucked up nightmare is that I've been living in. To patch things with Sebastien. To maybe allow myself to open up to Alex. Because suddenly one silly word, the name of a tiny little town in Maine, just might be enough to save me.
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