I thought it made more sense
If I could only keep you guessing.
I was a fool to think that I should
Stop you from undressing
Now I’m believing all the words you say
That I can’t say back to you.
And so I fall,
I don’t want to feel this small.
You know I just can’t handle this.
Handle this at all.
-Something Corporate, “Fall”
I drove back to my house in a daze. I couldn’t even feel the ache in my knee, at least not until I tried walking again, and realized that I hadn’t taken a pain pill in over 12 hours. A few Advil did very little to help, they weren’t made to deal with problems as severe as mine. I downed a pill and headed towards my and Lisa’s bedroom. The shower was running and the bed was empty, but I crawled into it nonetheless.
I was terrified to face my own wife.
I’d all but cheated on her only hours before, if I hadn’t seen the look of doubt flicker in Jiri’s eyes, I would probably be laying on his couch, all tangled and naked in his arms, completely sated but riddled with guilt. Then again, I was already suffocating with the after-effects of my irresponsibility, at least that way I’d have gotten some pleasure out of it.
I glanced at the clock, but my eyes caught on the picture on the dresser. It was of Lisa and me, at Shanny’s birthday party a couple of years earlier. I was sitting down, and she was standing behind me, leaning over with her arms around me, her head resting against mine, a teasing grin on her lips. She was beautiful. She was everything to me. She was all that I had ever wanted. I was still every bit as in love with her as the day we met; still as in love as the day we walked down the aisle together; still as in love as the day she looked up at me, wide-eyed and sniffling, holding a tiny, perfect Isabella in her arms.
So why couldn’t I get Jiri out of my mind? I couldn’t stop thinking about his lips, the way they’d danced over my own, then kissed flames down my neck and shoulders. I couldn’t stop thinking about his taste, the sweaty salinity of his skin. I couldn’t stop thinking of his body—his strong hands, his powerful arms, the way he felt pressed along every inch of me. I was infatuated with him, obsessed with him. I had been for a long time, but I hadn’t let myself acknowledge it. But he was there for me. He was strong when I was too tired to be rational.
He was there. That was all.
That was all that could be there. Because…he was Jiri. My teammate. My friend. My…my…
“Oh, good, you’re home. I was wondering if you’d fallen asleep over there,” Lisa said as she stepped into the room.
“I did. Sorry, I should have called this morning and let you know,” I replied, keeping my eyes closed. “Thank you for being so understanding last night.”
Her voice betrayed her smile, “Please, I didn’t mind at all. You needed someone to talk to. Someone who understands how much your game and your team mean to you. I adore Jiri, he’s a good kid,” she explained, and I squirmed slightly with guilt, “and I think he knows you well enough to give you what you need.”
I nodded and pulled the covers over my head, praying for sleep to come.
I turned over again, and looked at the clock. It was still before noon, and I’d been going insane all morning. I felt duty weighing in on me—I should’ve been at camp hours ago. Adding in the fact that I’d been having lapses in my consciousness, sending me into heated memories of the night before, and the pending results of my nerve tests, and I had pretty much lost any form of sanity that was left in my now aching head. I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed, figuring that I could get to the arena just as my teammates were leaving, and I could grab Shanny before he left.
Brendan must have worked the guys pretty hard; they’d just gotten off of the ice when I arrived. Brett was the first to see me, then Luc greeted me. I talked to the guys for a while, sneaking a look for Shanny every chance that I could. Once they decided to get dressed, I spun, hoping to find my alternate captain as he was leaving the showers. Unfortunately, I found myself staring right at a strong collarbone, marked with tiny purple splotches and teeth-marks.
I looked up into Jiri’s eyes, my heart battering at my rib cage. “Hi,” he said simply, softly. Lost for words, I grinned nervously at him. His eyes were this mixture of fear and sadness and longing, and it left my lungs empty, my head dizzy.
“Steve!” Brendan called as he wrapped a towel around his waist, allowing me to break the connection between Jiri and me. “I thought you weren’t going to be coming in today.”
“I, uh…changed my mind,” I started, stalling for time, “Lisa was gone, and the house was kind of…lonely. So I figured I’d stop by.”
He glanced at Jiri, then back at me, a confused expression on his face. “Oh, well. Okay. Its good to see you.”
He continued staring at me, one eyebrow just barely raised expectantly, and I knew that I was in for an inquisition.
Sure enough, as soon as the locker room was empty, Brendan started with the questions.
“Is there a reason you called me from Jiri’s house this morning? Or why he came in late, looking lost and depressed and distracted? How about telling me why you two were staring each other down when I got out of the showers? Or why he’s got marks all over his freaking chest?”
I sighed loudly, looking him straight in the eye. “It’s a long story.”
“So?”
I closed my eyes and launched into it. “Well, I couldn’t sleep last night. So I went out for a drive, and I found myself near his place. So I called to see if he was awake. He was. So I went to visit. I was flipping out because I’m scared as hell about my knee. And he was strong. He was logical and sane and normal, and that was exactly what I needed.
“And then I went to leave. I stood up, and my pill must have worn off, because when I stood up, I almost fell over completely. It was this shocking pain that choked my breathing and sent my vision to black. He ran and got me some Advil, and some Kleenex, because I was being an ass and I’d started to cry.”
I paused, gauging whether or not to continue. Brendan was staring back intently; was concerned about his friends, his teammates, and I was suddenly struck with the knowledge that he would be a perfect captain whenever I did decide to retire. Or if my knee stole the title away from me. I grimaced at the possibility, then returned to the subject at hand.
“And then he hugged me. He just held me, because I was sobbing like Sophia did when she sees nature shows where lions eat other animals. And then…and…I don’t know why, or what would have brought it on or anything…but…I, um. I kind of…I, well. I kissed him.”
His eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything, apparently wanting me to go on. “And it was nice. Hell, it was better than nice. It…it just felt good. It made me all light-headed and stupid and bubbly inside. And then it didn’t stop, and then we were making out, and he was sitting there all bare-chested and muscular and bewitching, and I wanted nothing more than to strip him naked and do things that I’d never even imagined doing just six hours before. And then I saw something pass over his features. It was guilt or doubt or something like that. So we stopped, and then I fell asleep curled up against him. And then I woke up and we had a short little confused conversation this morning, and I left his house, and then I went to my house and thought about him until I got here. And then I saw him and felt all those weird obsessive things I felt last night, and now I don’t know what in the hell I’m talking about because my brain has completely detached itself from my mouth and I’m rambling like a goddamn lunatic.”
He walked out to his car, and I followed him, wondering why in the hell he left me there after I’d completely let everything out. He pointed to the passenger side and told me, “Get in. We’re going for a ride, and we’re going to talk this out. Right now.”
