Mini-warning, Stevie drops the F-bomb here…

I never meant to cause you trouble

I never meant to do you wrong

Oh, well if I ever caused you trouble…

Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

-Coldplay, “Trouble”

            “How does that feel, Steve?” my doctor asked, while pressing around different parts of my knee.

            “Fine, fine, fine, fi…fuck, that hurt,” I jerked from the pain that shot from the joint up into my hip, biting my lip to keep from cursing again. “What is that? Everything else is feeling okay, but that one part still aches constantly.”

            He rubbed his fingers around again until I groaned, and then he made some marks on a chart. “To be honest, I can’t figure out why that still causes discomfort. The surgeries were completely successful, and the cartilage and tendons were perfectly repaired. Even the X-rays show that you’ve healed flawlessly. I’m going to send to a neurologist, have him run some tests on you. There may be nerve damage that isn’t visible with our equipment.”

            He scribbled a name and number on his prescription pad, and then sent me on my way, giving me a refill of the Vicadin that had become a staple of my diet in the past year.  I limped towards my car, pulling out my cell phone as soon as I was back on the road.

            “Hello, Dr. Corsello, please,” I asked. I’d waited on hold for less than a minute when he picked up.

            “Dr. Corsello speaking.”

            “This is Steve Yzerman; Dr. Daniel Altman referred me to you. I had several reconstructive surgeries on my knee over the course of the summer, and my X-rays are showing that I’ve healed, but I’m still in extreme discomfort most of the time. He suggested that I come in to have some tests.”

            “When exactly do you feel the pain?”

            When don’t I? “Mostly when I first wake up, its really stiff. Or if I’m standing up for long periods of time.”

            “I have an opening next Friday at 8:30 a.m. Be prepared to spend most of the morning here, because I’d like to scan for a number of different things. In the meantime, make sure to use your knee, just so that it doesn’t get frozen, but don’t push yourself too hard either.”

            “Okay, Dr. Corsello. I’ll see you next week.”

            I groaned as I hung up the phone, not looking forward to another morning spent with doctors and medical equipment and X-ray machines. I just wanted it to all be over, so that I could play with my daughter again. So that I could spend the time playing golf instead. So that I could be out on the ice with my teammates again.

            Talking to Jiri had helped. I smiled to myself, thinking about what a good kid he was. And so damn talented, too. Good thing he’s not a forward, I mused, or he’d probably put my numbers to shame. That was one thing I got to see while I wasn’t on the ice. Watching the guys play, I could really see the growth in them. Jiri had developed into a very confident presence during a game, with none of the hesitance that he used to play with. I glanced at the clock, making sure he would be in his car, and then I picked up my phone again and called Brendan.

            “Hey Shanny, how did camp go today?”

            “It went fine, we ran some drills, then worked on special teams for a while,” he paused, “our power play just isn’t the same without you, though, Steve.”

            I sighed, “First of all, stop patronizing me. I could barely skate in the playoffs last year, so I know I didn’t affect it much. Second, you will all survive just fine without me.”

            “Of course we’ll survive. But we still miss you, and let’s face it,” he added with a laugh, “you’re one hell of a better Captain than I am.”

            “Well, of course. That goes without saying,” I replied good-naturedly. “How is Catherine?”

            “Moody, emotional, bitchy,” he listed, then took a deep breath and continued, “but perfect and round and beautiful and glowing all at the same time. When we were in bed last night, she was curled up against me, and I could feel kicking. I rested my head against her stomach for an hour, just listening and feeling. God, Steve, it was incredible.”

            I smiled to myself, remembering the way Isabella would kick in the middle of the night, keeping both Lisa and me awake, in awe of the perfect little being that we’d made. “Isn’t it incredible, Bren? There are these two tiny lives, and you haven’t even met them yet, but you’d already give up your own life for them.”

            He laughed softly, “Exactly. I’m so glad that you called. I was trying to tell the guys about it today, but Luc told me I was turning into a woman, which made everyone laugh, which made me look like a moron,” he took a breath, “which is why I made them run drills today.”

            “Running a dictatorship over there, I see. But they deserved it, so that’s okay,” I thought for a minute, “Wait, Luc has kids…he should understand.”

            “Yeah, that’s what I thought, but I guess not. At least Fishy tried to stand up for me, though; he was pretty tough on Luc during the special teams drills. That kid fascinates me—he grew up so much during the off-season. What did you tell him before he went home?”

            I hesitated, trying to remember. “Nothing out of the ordinary, I just gave him a hug and told him to have fun, but to stay in shape and be careful. Maybe he’s just maturing rapidly or something. Or maybe you’re having a positive effect on him.”

            “I don’t know what it is, but I like it. He asked me to let him know how your appointment went, by the way. So, how did it go?”

            “Subtle, Bren. Really,” I informed him sarcastically. “It went, well, I guess it was okay. Nothing bad, really. He suggested that I go to see a neurologist because of the way that one part of my knee, towards the back, is still hurting almost constantly. He wrote up another prescription for pain pills, and sent me on my merry way. I have an appointment for next Friday morning to get tests run,” I stopped for a moment, then added in a quieter voice, “And they still have no idea why in the hell I hurt so much.”

            He sighed loudly, “That doesn’t sound good, Steve. At this point, just laying in bed shouldn’t be painful.”

            “I know. Its scaring the hell out of me. It really is, and I don’t know what to do about it,” I took a shaky breath. “Just the other day, I was talking to Fishy, and he asked how my knee was, and I told him about how bad it hurt. You should have seen the look on his face. He gave me this expression of complete and utter dread. He was terrified. I’ve got to be there for him, and the rest of you guys. I know that you can handle it. And Feds and Igor and Chelly can too; but that look that Fishy gave me says everything. I’m the captain of this team, especially the guys who have only been on our team. They depend on me, I’m a father figure to them, and I can’t bear the thought of letting them down.”

            “Steve,” he replied, voice full of sympathy, “these kids are smart. They’re wise beyond their years. They adore you, they would do anything to help you—including letting you go. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to see you go. You’re absolutely the most incredible hockey player—and most incredible human being—that I’ve ever known in my entire life. I sure as hell don’t want to try to fill your shoes permanently—doing it temporarily is difficult enough. But, God, Stevie, if you can’t come back, no one is going to fault you. You have given your heart, soul, and body to this team, and the fans, and your teammates, will love you until the day they die for it. You are going to enter the Hall of Fame as the most popular player to ever pull on a jersey. You have given your all to this game, don’t ever forget that.”

            I sat there for a moment, soaking up everything that he had said. It didn’t matter what I gave to the game. Fishy needed me. Sean and Boyd and Matt needed me. I couldn’t disappoint them—I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did. They meant too much to me.

            And I never, ever wanted to see Fishy look that scared again. He was sitting there, this big defenseman, a protégé of Chris Chelios, who had been forced to sit out of the final game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs because of a vicious check, and he was staring at me as if I were threatening to pull the stars from the sky. It had completely broken my heart, and made me want to cradle him in my arms and promise him that it was all going to be okay—whether that was true or not.

            “It doesn’t matter, Bren. I am the Captain. This knee problem, quite frankly, can’t matter to me. I need to be on the ice. I need to get better. I need to lead this team.”

            And I was going to do everything possible to make sure that I did.