Find me here

And speak to me

I want to feel you

I need to hear you

You are the light

That’s leading me

To the place

Where I find peace…again.

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting.

You are the life

To my soul

You are my purpose

You’re everything

You calm the storms

And you give me rest

You hold me in your hands

You won’t let me fall

You still my heart

And you take my breath away.

Would you take me in

Take me deeper now.

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me

How could it be

Any better than this

Because you’re all I want

You’re all I need

You’re everything

Everything.

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me

How could it be

Any better than this?

-Lifehouse, “Everything”

            Jiri nodded slowly, pulling the key out of the ignition and turning to face me. “I know, Stevie,” he said sadly. “I don’t know where to start, really. I just…”

            “Well then let me start,” I interrupted, “Please?” he swallowed harshly, then motioned for me to go on. “It’s been a really eventful day for me. I started out with a revelation that I may never play hockey again. I spent the day scared out of my mind, crying and cursing whoever injured my knee fourteen years ago. So I was an idiot and tried to start working to strengthen my knee—damn the consequences; I want to play hockey. And then you appeared and you held me, comforted me…you were there for me. I needed you so much right then, and you were perfect. I couldn’t tell you this then, because Shanny showed up, and then Lisa and the girls got there. But thank you, Jiri. You were incredible today, and I’ll never forget it.”

            He glanced up at me, tears shining in his eyes. Damn those eyes, so big and blue and hurting. I didn’t want to hurt him; I never wanted that. “You were the reason for the second revelation today. I don’t need to play hockey to be alive. I don’t need a game in order to be complete. I have friends and a family and the most incredible memories anyone could ask for. I’ve been able to lift the Cup three times. Three times, Jiri. A lot of players don’t even get to hold it once. I have a city full of people who have more faith in me than I’ve ever had in myself—a city full of people who are going to support me whether I can come back or not. I’ve come to grips with the reality that I might never play again. But I also know that it’s okay if I don’t. And you’re to thank for that.”

            His bottom lip was quivering, but he bit it, making it stop. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he never opened his mouth. He was beautiful—so shy and anxious and defenseless. It was a contrast that left my heart racing; he’d gone from being strong for me, assuring me that everything would work out to needing approval, needing someone to tell him they loved him, in only a matter of hours. The way he worked was a mystery. And I couldn’t wait to start solving him.

“The third revelation came once I got home,” I continued, “This time thanks to Lisa…”

            He stopped me, “Steve, Lisa’s your wife. She’s perfect for you—I know that she is. And you have three perfect daughters who are under the impression that you invented the game of hockey and hung the moon in the sky in the off-season. Your family is perfect, and I’m not a part of it. And I can never be, and I realized that today. I’m so sorry for making you question it or whatever I did. You are a father and a husband and you don’t need me screwing that up. I love Lisa and Isabella and Sophia and Maria; I can’t possibly put them through the pain of this,” he paused then, only because his voice had cracked and he was fighting the tears drizzling down his cheeks.

            I leaned closer to him, wrapping an arm around his neck. He rested his head against my shoulder, “I can’t do it, Steve. I want to, so badly. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, but I just can’t bring myself to keep this up. I’m so sorry…so very sorry.”

            “Shhh,” I breathed against his head, “It was Lisa’s idea for you to drive me home, you know that? That means she trusts you.”

            “All the more reason for me to stop this now; she doesn’t even need to find out about it. So she can keep trusting me.”

            I pulled away from him, then slid two fingers under his chin, lifting his face until he looked at me. “That’s where the third revelation comes in,” I started. “When we got home, Lisa and I had a discussion. When I was sitting in your arms, I’d decided that I was going to tell her about us. I didn’t know what I was going to say, though, because I still love her, but I also can’t keep you out of my mind. So I tried to start explaining, and she stopped me. She already knew.”

            His eyes widened and his mouth opened just a bit, “She what? How in the hell?”

            I laughed quietly and shrugged, “Leave it to Lisa to figure something out before I did.”

            “What do you mean, she figured something out before you did? You knew we’d kissed…”

            I paused, searching his eyes; he was as confused as I had been a few hours before. “I’m falling in love with you,” I said simply. “And I have been for months now.”

            He didn’t say anything; he just sat up, pushing my hand away. Then he burst into tears. “Dammit, Steve, I can’t do this. I can’t fight you when you’re telling me stuff like this. I just can’t. So Lisa knows, that’s just wonderful—exactly what I wanted to avoid, hurting her. Don’t tell me you have feelings for me. Please, I can’t say no to you again, it’s already the most painful thing I’ve ever done.”

            Damn my knee. If it hurt tomorrow, I’d take a pain pill and sleep all day. I pushed myself up, leaning on the gearshift so that my face was only inches from his. “Listen to me, Jiri. Please just listen. Lisa figured this out three months ago. She knows that I still love her—but I love you too. And she is okay with it,” I enunciated. “That’s why she had you drive me home tonight; she knew that I wanted to talk to you about it. She knew that I wanted to tell you that it was okay, that she was willing to let me be with you—and her—at the same time. And she still trusts you and wants you to watch out for me and to come over to see the girls and everything. I love you, and its okay. Its okay.”

            He sniffled, blinking away tears, “Stevie…” he choked out, “I…I…l-love you, t-too” he stammered out, cheeks pink and tear-stained, bottom lip swollen from him biting it too much.

            I leaned in closer to him, grabbing him by the front of the shirt and pulling him to meet me. I kissed his nose, then his closed eyelids, then his cheeks. I watched him the entire time, and when he opened his eyes to stare back at me, I kissed his lips. He gasped a little bit, probably bitten with the same electricity that had sizzled through me as soon as our mouths met. His shoulders were warm and hard against my hands, his tongue soft and gentle as it discovered the inside of my mouth. My head was spinning and it felt like the world was tipping off of its axis, but I just held on to him. He was all I needed to make my already perfect life complete.

He was everything.

I’d been conscious for a while, but I hadn’t wanted to wake up just yet. The anesthetic had worn off, but it left me feeling drowsy. I heard light breathing somewhere in the room, so I opened my eyes. Isabella was curled up on a chair next to my bed, sleeping soundly. I grinned and called her name quietly.

            Her eyes fluttered, then she looked at me, “Good morning, Daddy.”

            I laughed, “Its nearly two in the afternoon, Iz.”

            She shrugged, “So what. You just woke up, and that’s the only way to greet someone who just woke up,” she stood up and stretched. “I’m going to get Mommy. She’s out in the hall talking to Uncle Fishy.”

            “Tell them both to come in, okay honey?”

            She nodded and then left the room. A few moments later, Lisa appeared, Jiri following just a step behind. He was obviously still having trouble with the knowledge that Lisa knew about us; he was slouching, a look of tortured guilt painting his features. I smiled at him, and he perked up a bit, grinning back at me.

            “How are you feeling?” Lisa asked, sliding her hand into mine.

            “High,” I answered with a laugh, “these pain-killers are awesome.”

            She smiled at me and kissed my forehead, “Thank you. When you’re laughing, I’m not as scared. As long as you have a sense of humor, I know that everything will work out,” she glanced at the door. “I’m going to go take Izzy home now. She was awake all last night worried about you, she needs her rest. I love you, Steve. I’ll be back later tonight.”

            “I love you too, Lisa. Give the girls a hug for me, and make sure Brendan knows I’m okay.”

            “He’s in the waiting room. I’ll send him in,” she turned to leave, then looked up at Jiri, “Take care of him. He probably still thinks he’s Superman.” She hugged him, smiled back at me, and then left.

            I curled a finger at Jiri, and slid over in the bed, silently asking him to come and sit with me. He got the message, and soon he was sitting up against my hip, my hand held between both of his, resting in his lap. He looked me over—starting at the terrible case of bed head I was certain that I had, down the pale blue hospital gown, then the bandage around my knee. Then he met my eyes again and squeezed my hand.

            “You aren’t Superman, but I still love you.”

            I closed my eyes, savoring the words. It didn’t matter what happened with my hockey career—as long as I had Jiri, everything was going to be okay.