It’s so complicated

I’m so frustrated

I want to hold you close

I want to push you away

I want to make you go

I want to make you stay

Should I say it,

Should I tell you how I feel?

I want you to know

But then again I don’t.

It’s so complicated.

-Carolyn Dawn Johnson, “So Complicated”

            I turned around slowly, my heart throbbing in my chest. Steve Yzerman needed me. I swallowed hard, meeting his eyes, big and brown and shining and scared, and knew that I wouldn’t have been able to walk away from him, not when he was this frightened. I walked towards him and sat on a machine near him.

            He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, “It’s a bone spur,” he started, “that’s why I’m still in so much pain. When the cartilage had deteriorated, my knee tried to fix itself, building new bone. That is pressing against the nerves, and is causing the problem.”

            “How do they fix it?”

            “Surgery, I would have an extra couple months of recovery time, but I would eventually be free of the pain.” He stopped for a minute, finally looking at me. He bit his lip and sniffled, then blinked a few times, “I don’t know if I’ll get to play again.”

            I felt my entire body sag, my spirits crushed. “Jiri, I don’t know what to do with myself if I don’t play this game. I’m nothing if I’m not a hockey player, the captain of a team. I’ve been in this same role for so long, I don’t know if I can do anything else. I’m so damn scared…I’m beating the hell out of my knee right now, hoping to God that if I just work hard enough, if I want it badly enough, then I can get out there again. What in the hell am I if I’m not Steve Yzerman, Captain of the Detroit Red Wings?”

            I reached over and grabbed one of his hands, holding it in both of mine. I fought back tears, knowing that he would need someone to be strong for him. Meanwhile, my breath was caught in my throat and my mouth had gone to cotton. “Stevie…” I said, but couldn’t make my thoughts turn into words. So I just got down to my knees and crawled over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest. He hugged back, crying into my hair for a while, then he slid off of the chair and onto my lap, curling into my embrace, his head resting between my neck and shoulder.

            I kissed his temple, rocking him back and forth, ignoring the terror that was licking at my consciousness, focusing on the panic that Steve was feeling, trying to think of ways to make it better.

            “Stevie,” I started finally, “you don’t need to play hockey. Your wife will love you whether you lace up skates again or not. Your daughters are going to consider you the best daddy in the world, even if you never win another Stanley Cup. Your parents are still going to call you every day to make sure you’re okay, no matter if you spent the day on the ice or not. And I…I’ll…I’m going to be here for you. Always, it doesn’t matter whether you’re my Captain, my friend or my…my…whatever we are. If you ever need me, I’m here. You’re always going to be my hero, my role model, my Superman. I’ve looked up to you forever, and nothing will change that.”

            He stared up at me, eyes wide, breath shuddering, “Thank you, Jiri, thank you so…” then his voice cracked and he pressed his face against my neck again, whimpering against my skin.

            I rubbed my hands on his back for as long as it took for him to stop crying, and then he just laid there in my arms, spent. “I’m scared, Jiri. I’m so scared that I don’t know if I can even move from this spot.”

            I smiled, positive that I didn’t want him to. Ever. I pressed my lips to his warm forehead, just happy to be holding him again. I’d missed the feel of him so much, I hadn’t even realized how much until he was there again. I caught his gaze, and he looked so vulnerable, so helpless, so heartbreakingly defenseless that I couldn’t stop the tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I explained weakly, “I’m just overwhelmed. First you tell me that your future could be changing drastically, and then you’re crying into my shoulder. It’s a lot for someone who…” loves you, I added in my mind, but decided against it. He didn’t need that revelation right now, he was going through enough. “It’s a lot for someone who worries about you to deal with.”

            He nodded, “I know. But you have no idea how much I appreciate your being here. Thank you.”

            I smiled sadly, then leaned closer to him hesitantly. His eyes fluttered, then closed, and so I kissed him. It was gentle, just a reassurance of my devotion to him, showing him that I would be reliable, dependable. It was meant as a simple display, but it did something to my insides. It swirled warmth through my chest, possessiveness in my arms, sent a fire of protection to my mind. It was so strong that it made me dizzy, and I was glad we were sitting down, or I’d have ended up on the ground anyway.

            When I pulled away, he was looking at me intently, past my eyes and into my thoughts, apparently pleased with what he found there. He kissed me, capturing my bottom lip between his, just caressing it softly in gratefulness, holding me close to him.

            I never wanted to let him go.

            “Damn, it took you long enough,” Brendan said, making Steve jump, nearly out of my lap, but not making it. He pulled himself back onto the chair of the machine he’d been working on and ran his fingers through his hair exasperatedly. Brendan turned to me and saw the look of panic in my eyes, “Don’t worry, Fish. This is nothing new, I already knew about the situation. I’m just glad he’s talking to you again.”

            “Oh,” I replied lamely.

            “Steve,” Brendan said, changing the subject, “what in the hell are you doing in the Gym? Did they increase your drug intake, or are you trying to kill yourself?”

            Steve shook his head, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I know I can’t work out until they give me the okay, but I’m just so scared. I didn’t know what to do, so I came here. Hurt the hell out of my knee in the process too, and probably would have ruined it completely if Jiri hadn’t gotten here when he did.”

            Brendan smiled at me, “Thanks for taking care of him, he needs someone to remind him he’s not God sometimes.”

            I shrugged, then stood up. “I’m going to go so that you two can talk. I…” I stopped myself again, remembering that Steve didn’t need to deal with a declaration of my love to him. “I want you to call me if you need anything. Please.”

            Steve nodded, “Thank you again for being here. It meant a lot to me.”

            I smiled, then ducked out of the room and started down the hall, unbuttoning my shorts as I got closer to the locker room. I changed into jeans and a T-shirt absently, thinking about what he’d just told me.

            He had to come back. He had to.

            I walked quickly down the corridor, needing to get out of there, needing to call someone and cry, needing to get all of the worry out of my system. I nearly ran down Isabella Yzerman.

            “Uncle Fishy!” she exclaimed, running up and grabbing me around the waist. “Were you helping Daddy feel better?”

            “Of course,” I replied, feeling like a heel. I’d been kissing her Daddy, screwing his life up even more, not helping him. “But I think he’d like to see you—you would make him feel much better than I ever could.”

            She smiled and nodded, “Okay, I’ll go and see him right now then,” she waved to me and ran towards the Gym.

            I hadn’t seen her walk up, but Lisa appeared next to me, “Thank you, Jiri. I’m sure he really needed you. I’ve never seen him as spooked as he was this afternoon. It was like he was possessed, it scared me to death,” she pressed her hand to my forearm. “You have been incredible through this, being strong for him when he was scared. You’re a good person, don’t forget that.”

            I wished that a stray bolt of lightning would strike me dead—it would have been better than the guilt slowing my heartbeat. She thanked me again, then grabbed Sophia and Maria and headed in the direction Izzy had gone.

            I walked to my car numbly, barely registering the black clouds in the distance, only thinking about what an idiot I was—what an asshole I was for thinking that I had the right to intrude on Stevie’s perfect marriage, his perfect family. As I put the car in gear, I realized something more dismal than the weather that was rolling in from Canada.

            I couldn’t deceive Lisa anymore. I couldn’t cause Izzy and Sophia and Maria any pain…I realized that I’d just kissed Steve Yzerman for the last time.