After I've finished making this webpage for Mommy, it took me a long grieving while before I finally decided to post my thoughts here. I don't know...something was telling me to just let it out for whatever it's worth... here it is...
Mommy was informed of her breast cancer ironically on her 66th birthday (June 10, 2001). It sure was a devastating news for her and for everyone who loved her. I tried to remain calm when my brother Eric broke the bad news to me although the word "cancer" meant "death" in every part of my brain then. She was initially diagnosed of it at Stage 2 with about five years to live. Five years...that suddenly sounded a short time to me.
I then decided to fly to Philippines that same month to see my mother and to be able to spend quality time with her after learning that she had undergone mastectomy (breast removal). I went straight from the airport to the hospital. I've managed to hold my tears back when I saw her...I smiled at her. She looked pale, thin, and weak but she smiled right back at me. Funny that a smile can actually hide someone's pain.
I went with her in and out of the hospital for more tests and check-ups in the following weeks. I told the doctor that she had been complaining about the burning pain around her hips ever since the mastectomy but not until the third appointment that I really asked the doctor what could be done about it cause the pain wouldn't go away. She then was suggested to undergo thorough bone scan. Days later, I was asked by the nurse to get the bone scan results myself somewhere at the 3rd floor of the hospital. When the envelope was handed to me, I hurried on my way back to the doctor's office to give him the results. But as I was walking at the hallway, I got tempted to open the envelope. Sure, those would be medical terms that I'm not sure I'd understand but I was eager to know so I opened it. I slowly stopped from walking and weakly sat on a bench nearby cause I could hardly believe what I was reading. The cancer cells have metastasized too rapidly...all over her body except in her arms and legs...and yes, they were on her skull already. I put the results back in the envelope trembling...slowly stood up and walked on...stopped at one moment to try to relax and compose myself cause I didn't want Mommy to see it all through me. I had to be strong for her which was the hardest thing. That night, I wept quietly in bed and asked God that stupid question "Why?". Why her? And figuring the answer out by myself almost drove me crazy.
We kept it from Mommy cause the depression would have killed her sooner had she known that she was already at the Stage 4 of it and that she had only less than six months to live. The doctor told her instead that the pain in her hips was due to an acute rheumatic disorder. She bought it. I stayed with her and waited for her first chemotherapy before I went back to Taiwan to be with my daughters. I did a great deal of cancer research over the Internet the following weeks and exchanged cancer and medicine information with my brothers in Japan and in the Philippines...until one day in October, I received that feared message from my brother - Mommy is in a very critical condition. I flew back to Philippines as soon as I could and what followed was a heart-breaking moment after moment with her.
She passed away five days later...just four months after her diagnosis.
There are no words for how I have felt during the time. Mommy was a good person. I couldn't understand why she had to go through so much pain. I couldn't understand why she had to suffer that much before she pass away. It wasn't fair, I thought. But then I realized later on that maybe it was just meant to be...for me and my brothers to learn to accept the fact and let go of her with less difficulty. But there was never a saddest time when it happened. It just happened so fast. It was too painful...and it hurts still, and I don't know when or will I ever get over it. I asked myself why I even had to live strong enough to see it all? How I even got myself to whisper in her ear...when she could no longer respond...that it was "okay" to go?...and I, myself, died inside at that very moment.
I have been trying to pull myself together since it happened. Not a day went by without my Mom crossing my mind. Yes, I guess there are answers to those questions in my head. She was taken away from us not because it was just her time to go but because she was too good to live on in physical pain. So now every time I think of her, I take some comfort from knowing that she's with her Creator now and was really better off with Him. Her death has ended her pain and made me imagine how worse it could have been had she lived longer. I loved her so and always will. I just hope that I can always keep my strength up at least for my two young daughters. A part of my own personal way of healing is I sometimes strangely watch people around and on the news on TV. Some people do crazy things in life not realizing how short it can be. And then I thought...perhaps I should cry for the living instead.
(Feb. 28, 2002)
UPDATE:
I'm here in California now with my daughters and have started our lives anew. I'm okay...although I still get depressed once in awhile whenever I think of Mommy. I do not even hope to forget what happened because her death was an eye-opener to me. My views in life was changed forever.
(May 21, 2004)
HOME
