How did you become a
roadie?
I went to the same middle school and high
school in York, PA, with the band Live. My cousin's the drummer, so that's how I
met the guys, In '87, we just all bonded and have been going ever
since.
What are the
most important tools for your craft?
Gaffer tape, a guitar-string winder and Martin's potato chips. You can
only get them in the heart of Amish country.
Score one for the Amish!
And the thing is they only have a shelf life of a day or two. So you've
got to buy the bag and eat them. Usually, I have my mom FedEx them out to me and
I tear them up that night.
What pranks do roadies pull on
each other?
Anyone that's new, the first night hanging out at the hotel bar, we'll
charge everyone's drinks to his room, all night long. So when he goes to check
out, he has a couple thousand on his tab. And then we just watch him
scramble.
How do bands
mess with you or punish you when you screw the pooch?
They'll somehow forget to give you your per diems that
week, or call their business management and have your check sent a week late. If
you want to screw with someone, screw with their money.
What sucks about being a
roadie?
Waking up the band in the morning. I don't
know how many times I've had to get the hotel security to cut deadbolts on
doors. You have to physically break into their room, get them up out of bed,
throw them in the shower and make sure they get to where they need to be. I
don't want to do it.
Ever been bashed while waking up a
rocker?
Oh, always. But when it comes down to it, if
anyone's going to do it, it's going to be me. Because if not, the other roadies
would really get beat up.
Ever been vomited on by a drunken band member?
I was close to being vomited on. I jumped away. Our bass
player was feeling horrible. Three songs into a show, he came over to the other
tech and said, "I don't feel good. Give me some water." As soon as I saw his
mouth start to open, I jumped out of the way. A little bit sprayed my
sneaker.
Did he
continue to rock?
Yes. Well, he pretty much just stood there, hunched over the rest of the
night, but he made it through.
Have you suffered any job-related injuries?
I've had a couple nicks and crannies here and there. You'll
get random stuff thrown onstage. I remember one time getting hit with a
nine-volt battery -- a couple of stitches. We did a theater in Detroit, and at
the end of the show, the crew started to break everything down. Someone pulled
on a cable, one of the local loaders, and it pulled a two-foot-by-two-foot box
down off a stack. Blood everywhere.
What's the strangest thing you've ever seen thrown
onstage?
We did a show, and our singer, Ed Kowalczyk, actually told the ladies in
the crowd that he wanted to see some breasts. He had each girl walk up on the
stage and drape her bra on his mic stand. We ended the count at 378
bras.
Do roadies get the band's leftover
trim?
Oh, yes. There are always people hanging out.
When the band leaves, there are always people still hanging out. They're like,
"We didn't get the band, maybe we can get the crew." The crew parties hardier
than the band.
So
sexual favors are part of the job?
Yes. Occasionally, you'll fall into the games a little bit. Guys on the
crew will say, "All right, you want in, you'll 'head touch.'" We like to call it
little head touches, but they're sexual favors in the corners, in the dressing
rooms, tour buses and shower rooms.
What's the most outlandish proposal a groupie has ever
offered?
One girl in Seattle said she would give blowjobs to the entire crew. One
girl! You're talking a crew of about 12 guys. She said, "Just line 'em up, I'll
go right down." And I was like, "Well, I wouldn't mind being the first
one."
Did you get
sloppies?
I
went first. I didn't want to be No. 8.
What's your sickest moment?
This would be '91 or '92, on the first major
tour we ever did, with PiL, Blind Melon and Big Audio Dynamite. Walking into
PiL's dressing room, Johnny Lydon had tampons shoved up his ass and girls
fighting for them after he would pull one out. Watching these girls fight -- I'm
talking throwing punches, not a little cat fight -- I'm like, "What is this?"
That was pretty disgusting.
Anything sicker that Lydon and his
feminine products?
Yeah, in Brazil, I was at a sex show and watched this girl spread 'em and
shove a live bird in...
I meant backstage!
It was a little shocking to open up for Kiss. They look
pretty creepy onstage, but they're assholes to their roadies. They'd say they
were going to pay my friends on the crew and then they'd only send them half of
it and double people up in hotel rooms so the band could make more
money.
Shameful! In your 15 years, what
have you done that you're most ashamed of?
Just treating groupies like dirt. A guy on the crew would be like, "All
right, do 'the favor' and then wait here. I'm going to go get passes and then
I'll be right back to get you." And they just leave them, never see them again
in their life. So just treating them bad and talking nasty to them. Treating
them like the hookers they are.
Who on tour is lower than a
groupie or roadie?
The merchandise people who come out on tour, they guys who sell all the
swag out in the stands. Every tour I've been on, the crew pushes them away like,
"You just deal with T-shirts." The actual crew won't even look at
them.
Do the headlining-band roadies
ever get into it with loser opening-band roadies?
We were in Amsterdam and the opening act was taking their stuff offstage,
and our guys were onstage starting to place our gear, and our monitor guy, who
was a real prick, no one really liked him, wouldn't let one of their guys
through. Our monitor man gave him a shove, and the guy from the opening act laid
him out with one punch. We were just laughing. And then the guy did the hockey
trick -- pulled his shirt up over his head and was pounding on him for good
measure.
Hve you ever
had to pummel anybody?
Never really had to pummel anybody. Close to it. If we run into
situations where we think something might happen, we'll just leave. Because you
get people who just want to start something to try to see some money out of
it.
Who's the biggest
cock in rock?
Marilyn Manson. We were doing some festivals in Germany a year ago. They
went onstage and about two songs into it, Marilyn just walks off-stage for no
reason. Just like, "I'm not playing." There were 100,000 Germans. Drunk. Been in
the sun all day. The crowd rushes the stage, trashes all their gear. The German
riot police show up and fire on the fans. We got out of
there.
Who would you
never lend your talents to?
Guns 'N Roses. I've heard the stories of Axl. I'd pummel him. He never
wants to go onstage on time for ridiculous reasons. He's just a head case.
Sometimes bands are like, "Let us finish our drinks. Do a shot," and that's rock
'n' roll. But Axl would do that stuff for two or three
hours.
And surely the
bands blame it on the roadies.
They'll usually push it off on us. The crew ends up being the scapegoats
and have to do the explaining so it doesn't end in a big riot
situation.
You lift things for a living. Do
your friends call when it's time for them to move?
No. I'm rarely ever even home to help anyone move. People I know would
ask, but I always have a way of weaseling out of stuff like
that.
Do roadies have a
motto like the Navy SEALs' "We never leave anyone behind"?
"What happens on the road, stays on the
road."
And finally,
please tell one roadie secret.
Sometimes, bands have tons of dummy cabinets and gear up onstage. And
actually, there's only one amp in the back that's turned on and
mic'd.