January 2003
1/01/03
So it's a new year, waiting to be filled with whatever new, old, eventful, boring, and other things that come along. So New Years eve was spent hanging out with Jeffers. I arrived at his house about about 4:30 to find dogs greet me at my car, while the one decided to step on my pants making them dirty. Oh well. So I went inside and Jeffers was the only one there. So we sat around playing video games for awhile. Then after that we got ready and headed down to the river to see how Huffman and BB were before we headed to Jeffer's sister's house. We went down there only to find no one there so we went out to call them on the cell phone and they said they'd be down and they were shortly. So we got there then they had to leave again to meet some girls to bring them back there. So Jeffers and I sat there and watched tv. Then Leah and Brandi showed up and we talked to them for awhile then BB and Dustin showed up again with three girls, two from clarion and I'm assuming the other to be from Brookville. So after that the two of us didn't stay very long. We were off on the road to his sister's. So when we got there we found a lot of his relatives there and some of his sister's friends. It was a pretty good time then. They had lots of food and it wasn't that bad at all. So after I'd say 1 most of the people left. Then it was me and Jeffers, his brother and his g/f, and his sister and her husband. So we sat down and played some game called Phase 10 which wasn't too bad. Hanging out with them was a pretty good time. They're really funny and pretty much pick on each other constantly so it made me feel at home being that that's what my family did a lot when I hung around them on New Years. So we had a few drinks. Nothing to really get drunk on I guess although we could have if we wanted to. And that was pretty much the night. It was pretty fun in the long run so I'm glad I ended up going there for new years eve. In the morning we had pancakes for breakfast provided by Jeffer's sister's husband. Then after we started to snack on the leftover crackers and cheese and other things. So that lasted for a good while till we all decided to go bowling which wasn't too bad. Not the greatest but better than being home. So all in all it was a good time. There were a lot of laughs to be had and a lot of funny times to remember. So I'm glad I got out and had some fun. I needed it and I'm glad Jeffers invited me along with him. As well, for anyones knowledge, I'm only coming online at night after 10 unless I have some good reason to be online so otherwise you won't find me on icq or aol. So I'm going now...night
1/02/03
Today was pretty much filled with hardly anything new. There were a few things, but not too much. So I woke up to go to work this morning not really knowing if I had to work today or not. So I got showered and got ready, then I headed off to work. I really didn't do much of anything today there. I shelved some books when I got there and then sat around for mostly the rest of the time there. Since I didn't have to be there till 12, I only worked an hour before my lunch break. I headed to the McDonald's down by the walmart and the mall and ate there. I got a really greasy double quarter pounder which had all kinds of grease just dripping off of it. I've never had something like that there, but the grease makes it taste better so I enjoyed it. SO then after I headed to Walmart in search of my video game only to find that it wasn't there so in other hopes I headed to the mall and K-mart where I luckily found it lying on the bottom shelf on top of the other games. So I quickly got the lady to come unlock it and give it to me. So that was my excitement for the day. I finally got that. I used the money that my grandma gave me for Christmas whic was $40 then some money of my own. So that was good. So then back to work after that for 3 hours then home, where I spent most of my night playing my new game. So that was good even though I have a headache because my neck was all kinked. Oh well, it's worth it. So once I'm done on here I guess I'll go to playing that before I head to bed because I actually ahve to be getting up for work again which sux a lot. I hate getting up early whenever I've been sleeping in till 11 or so everyday for over a week. Oh well, I'll live with it. I got some more of The LOTR: The Fellowship of the ring read today. So that was good too. So that's about it. Nothing else happened...night
1/03/03
So today was another day of work which was pretty boring. Not much happened, but I did more than usual at work which is good I guess since it gave me something to do. So we shelved books and moved books as well. Then in the afternoon I was the only one working so I sat around reading my LOTR's book. So I finished the first book, in terms of LOTR being based on six books. Each of the three published books being seperated into two books. So it makes six in all. So I finished the first book of the first book so to speak. So then after work I just came home and ate two meatball subs with mozarella cheese. I've been thinking a lot about it, and I realize that I love cheese. I eat cheese on pretty much anything, or I just eat it plain. I've just realized how much cheese I usually eat. So it's weird that I've just really realized that now. Oh well. So then after that I started playing Red Faction again. I decided to go back through and play what I had done on the medium difficulty level to get better at the game before I continued. So that was good. I only beat the first two levels when Keith showed up. So we sat around and watched one of his DVD's that he got for Christmas of these martial arts movies with the characters who talk but their mouths don't go along with the dialogue which makes the movie funny. Then after that we played DBZ and then FIFA. So it wasn't too bad of a night in the end. Well I'm gonna go for now...night
1/05/03
Oh k, to recap yesterday, it was filled with cleaning the church, showering and shaving, Red Factoin 2, and then a party that I went to with Keith. Now I could say I had fun at this party, but then I'd be lying. From what he told me I assumed that it was gonna be in a house, but it turned out that it was in a garage where it was freezing cold and I was only wearing a t-shirt, I didn't know anyone so I stood around which made all the guys think I was gay which wasn't cool, I wasn't into any of the girls because the ones that were available were blondes and I don't dig blondes really, and I wasn't really drinking because I was driving home. So all in all it wasn't too great of a time. So I came home at 12 and went to bed. So now I'm writing this with bloodshot eyes because I've been playing Red Faction 2 for way too long today. I've been playing the multiplayer by myself just battling the bots that I can fight, so that was my day pretty much. I read some more of LOTR in the book that Nicole gave me because I left my other book at the library and they locked the doors so I couldn't get back in. So I'll have to remember that tomorrow. I had a pretty good supper tonight: Pizza roll, little smokies in bbq sauce and a pepsi and before hand I ate the rest of my bag of chips in the purple bag, the white tortilla chips. So other than that, nothing has happened today. Well I'm gonna go finish this game of Red Faction 2 then get some sleep because I feel like I could just fall asleep because my eyes are so dry...night
1/06/03
So today was mostly a boring day at work. Not too much happened I guess. We did a lot of shelving and then a lot of shifting books from the second floor to level A. So that was about it. I ate my lunch today at Penndragon. The food was pretty good for the most part other than the meatballs having carrots in them that I didn't realize. So that wasn't too good. Sort of made me sick, but I got bye. So it seems to me that I should wear my A.C. Milan jersey more often around the college. I think I had like 4 different people come up to me today and ask about soccer and stuff. The one kid that works in reference at the library said something about getting together to play soccer if there were enough people. I talked to the guy at the chinese restaurant about it and some proffesor in the library science dept. too. So I guess that made me a little bit happy having people actually notice me and talk to me. Plus I was talking to the one waitress at the chinese restaurant too. She's always pretty nice. I'm not sure but I think she graduated from Redbank because she knew some of the people that I graduated with. So that's sort of weird in a way. Oh well, so the ride home was really slow. People were driving really slow because of the snow and ice I guess. I really didn't have any troubles, but I usually don't. Guess I have good luck on the road or something. Hope it keeps up. So other than that I came home and ate very little for supper because I was still full from the buffet from lunch. So then I played Red Faction 2 till Everwood came on. Then I watched that and here I am...night
1/07/03
So another early morning at the library today. It wasn't that much fun really. A whole lot of nothing went on today. Just shelving books and attempting to shift some of them. So that wasn't that great. Having an yearing for pizza at lunch time, I called Papa John's and ordered a 10" meatlovers pizza which was pretty good. I ate 3/4 of it and I'm saving the rest for later. So then since I felt like I had nothing else to do with the remainder of work I decided that in my bored state I would attempt to start drawing little comics being that I've been reading a lot of comics online and I feel that it doesn't really matter if I suck at drawing. I'll try and draw anyway. So those should be up on another link on my main page if anyone even comes here. At times I believe I'm going to try and make some funny if that's even possible. I don't know if I can make things funny. Well the drawings look like crap so that might make it funny, but that's not what I'm getting at, or maybe it is. As well, I think sometime I'm going to try to make some serious ones if I can do that too. I guess I'll just have to wait and see, but this first one that I did today was aimed at being funny so if anyone actually cares at all, give me some feedback on what you thought whether you thought it was funny or if it sucked. I know it sux but there might be weird people out there that think it's good. So anyways, I came home and ate steak for supper. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't that good either. It was good enough though. And then I was off to play Red Faction 2 again. What a fun game being that I don't have anyone to play multiplayer with me, so it helps to be able to play against computer oppenents. So at least I can get some fun out of that. So then I watched some deleted scenes from Blade 2 and then came on here. So that's about it...night
1/08/03
So today was just another regulare day for the most part. I got up as late as possible and got ready for work then headed to work. When I got there I rearranged some shelves to put books on, and then I helped look for certain books that people supposedly returned. Then I headed off to lunch at McDonalds. I didn't feel like driving so I walked down from the library. When I got there I saw Dick and Shawn, two guys from Honin', and also old friends from the soccer team. So they convinced me to buy a ticket for their upcoming show on the 15th, and they said to try and find some other people too. So hopefully I can find some people to go along with me because I'm not exactly sure how to get there, so I'll prolly need a little help I'm thinking. So hopefully I can find someone who knows the way pretty decently. I've left a message for Mole because he knows the way and one for Keith and I think he might too. So that's cool if either of them can come with me. So hopefully it'll be a good time. We had a pretty interesting conversation while eating at McDonalds, but I'll let that go unsaid I guess. So then I went to my mom's office to visit where she suggested to go buy my book for the spring semester so I did that and then went back to work where I mostly sat around. I'm almost finished with the first book of the LOTR Trilogy so that's good. Then after work I came home and did the usual. Ate supper and then played some Red Faction 2. I was looking through the multiplayer games and realized I could play capture the flag with one of the computer bots as my teammate so I did that. It was really fun so I'll have to play that next time, prolly tomorrow night. Well I'm headed out...night
1/09/03
For some reason I thought today was going to be a good day. Maybe because when I walked outside this morning it was sunny and warmer than it has been. There just seemed to be some happiness in the air, but it really wasn't that great of a day. Nothing really happened and so I pretty much sat around all day. I mean I tried to be as happy as I possibly could be, but when I thought about it, I couldn't find a reason why I should be happy. I mean I thought and thought, but it seems that I have nothing to be happy for. And I miss being happy because it's so much better than being the way I am now. I thought a lot of times gone by today for some reason. All the good times I've had with g/f's, with friends, with family, and it made me realize that right now I don't have any of that. I don't know where it all went. I don't know why it all went. And I don't know why it all went so quickly. I really miss having someone to talk to about anything. I miss deep conversation with anyone who could provide me with it. And any type of conversation that just keeps me occupied and away from everything else. I don't know where it all went though, but I do want it back if that's any consolation...night
1/12/03
So to catch up a little bit. Friday was an alright day. Work sucked for the most part because we had to shelf read, but I saw this one girl from CHS who wasn't that attractive, but she had some of the most wonderful brown eyes I've seen in a long time. I don't know why that's important right now, but I decided I'd write it down anyway just for the heck of it. So Friday night Keith and I went to the movies and saw Just Married. It wasn't a bad movie. It had it's funny parts, but it wasn't the greatest movie either. Just something to kick back to when we were bored. So then we went to Walmart and messed around which wasn't too bad. We had our fun. So that was cool. Then Saturday I went and cleaned the church and then headed to Keith's house for a small get together: Keith, Me, Jimmy, Tyler, Jen, Ben, and Andy. So that wasn't too bad. At the beginning of the night Keith seemed to be in really high spirits and stuff, so that was all looking up, but for some reason that all changed. I'm not sure why, but that really sucked that it happened that way. I don't know, I think that it'd be cool if he would have had fun, but he's trapped in this whole love thing. And I don't blame him for that because I know how it sux to not have the one thing that can make you happy, and it's always tough to just break out of that. So I'm assuming that's why he didn't have any fun again last night. But like I said it sucked, I wish he just could've had more fun. But I guess that's just how things go. I guess to me it seems that things are getting better between us, whether they really are or not. I guess that'll just have to play out however it does. At least that's something good going on. So we're busting down to Murrysville this Wednesday to watch Honin' and Punchline so that should be a pretty good time I'm thinking. Hopefully it is. Well I'm think I'm gonna get going here soon because I didn't get in till 3:15 last night and had to get up early for church so I'm running low on energy. So I'm out...night
1/13/03
So today was spent mostly at the library moving books from one level to another. I like that a lot better than some of the stuff we do there so it wasn't too bad. At least during the morning that's what we did. So I headed to lunch at 1. I went down to Taco Bell and ate. I was debating between Subway and Taco Bell, but I ended up going there for some reason. The one Carly girl who was in my French 1 class last semester works there, and she was asking me if I was gonna be in French 2 and I said yes so that was cool I guess. At least something to think about instead of always feeling the same and bored, but not really that great. She used to go to CHS I think, but I'm not sure. Oh well, so then back to work where I spent most of my time on solware.com playing pool and chatting with people. So that wasn't bad. Then I came home and ate supper. Then I played some DBZ with my little brother which wasn't too bad. Then watched the first episode of Everwood which is a pretty good show. So that show always makes me think about things for some reason. Maybe because it seems real for the most part which not very many shows do. So I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I feel pretty lost and alone right now which I don't like at all. It seems right now all that I want is one guy friend to keep my company, to just go and hang out with and have fun with, and then one girl who I can talk to about everything with and not have to worry about anything physical with her because we're just that good of friends. Those two used to be Keith and Kayla, but now things seem to be fading. I haven't talked to Kayla in what seems forever. I can't even remember the last time I talked to her. So I really miss that. It seems she has a whole other life which is great and I wouldn't have it any other way. And I'm glad she's finally happy and it makes me happy that she is, but I miss having someone to talk to about life, love, anything. And Keith right now is in his own place trying to figure his own life out. So its pretty rough on him I realize having to deal with the things the way they are. I'm just hoping things can all become clear for him as to what to do. Oh well, this is my life. I'm dealing day to day...night
1/14/03
So another day of work, today had some weird events I guess, which some of them really sucked and others weren't bad. So anyways, I went off to work and moved books again for most of the morning till Mark went on his lunch break. Then I sat around and talked on the chatroom at solware.com. Then after sitting around for while my mom came over which she never does and said there were hotpockets at her office to eat so that's where I went for my lunch break. So we just talked about the beach and North Carolina there trying to figure out who I was going to take if I was taking anyone. So that was alright. Then I headed back to work where I pretty much did nothing but check books back in which doesn't take long at all. I saw that girl again from CHS. I didn't get to look at her eyes, but I thought I'd make that a point again. I don't know why. But anyways, then I went back on solware.com and chatted with people. There was this one girl on there who I sort of connected with. We were just talking about relationships and stuff and how she got a lot of crap from guys and how I was just a nice guy not looking for looks as much as a good person to talk to. So I guess that was cool just to talk to someone, even though I'll never see them in my life. Still, it felt good for some reason. So then the bad part of the day, on my way home I noticed that my battery light came on which isn't good so now I can't drive to the concert tomorrow and hoping that someone else can. If not then I don't know. It will suck if that's the case. So now my dad has to take my car in to see what's wrong. I'm distraught cause I love my car and don't want to have it acting all crappy on me. So anyways, I came home and ate then for some reason my brother came to my room and layed down on my floor with his science notes. I don't know if he was looking for help studying, but I just helped anyway. So that's cool, I don't usually pal around with my little bro so that was a change. Then I watched the first new episode of Smallville this season, so that was cool. Well that's about it. Hopefully tomorrow turns out alright...night
1/16/03
So last night me, Mole, and Keith went to the concert in Murrysville. It was pretty good for the most part I have to say. On the way up we were just joking around and stuff so that was pretty cool. Honin' was the first band on and they had a pretty good show I think. They played a lot of songs I haven't heard before so that's cool. They were pretty good for the most part. They didn't get to play very long though. It seemed that they had the shortest set out of all the bands there. So that sort of sucked because of that. Oh well, during the show, I'm not sure during which band, I think it was inbetween sets, the fire alarm went off so everyone had to leave the building which really sucked because it was freezing outside. Keith had an alright time though because he kept some girl warm that he didn't know, so that was sort of cool that that happened. I think anyway, but I'm not him so I'm not sure. So then when Punchline played it was pretty good for the most part. Towards the end of their set I sort of zoned out for some reason. I guess I was just thinking about a lot of stuff. I guess the atmosphere of the place sort of made me think about stuff, but I was alright by the time the show was over. John yelled over at me to wake up and that snapped me out of my mindset and then I was alright after that. So the ride home wasn't too bad either. We joked around then too. Chucko rode home with us too. So all in all it was a good night I think. So now my car in back in order which is good. They had to fix the alternator which cost $120 altogether. So I guess that's not that expensive. So that's good. So I found out that I have to work this upcoming Monday, but I think I'm gonna go in late if Keith is still having people over to his house because I'm not gonna want to go in early being tired. So I'll see. Today was pretty boring for the most part. I ate Subway today and got a Sweet Onion Chicken Teryoki, however you spell that. It was pretty good, first time I had it. So then I had to drive my mom home because she brought my brothers car up for him cause he came back from his trip out west. So that was alright. And then I spent the rest of my night watching tv and playing FIFA 2003. So an alright time...night
1/17/03
So another day of work today and that's about all today was. I had no fun today which isn't new. I sat around mostly on the computer at work just talking on flyordie.com. It's a pretty boring time, but I have nothing else to do. And tonight I did nothing too. A friday night, and I sit at home and watch Triple X. I need to find something better to do with myself. Really small entry today because I suck...night
1/18/03
Today was boring. My weekend has completely sucked. I sat at home last night and I sat at home tonight. I watched the movie Signs. I hate all this doing nothing...night
1/20/03
So I'm doing this now because when I get home tonight, I'm not going to want to do a damn thing. Last night wasn't too bad actually. It seemed that everyone there had a pretty good time. If that's true or not, I don't know, but it seemed that way at least. There was some alcohol there, but I drank like a beer just because I didn't feel like drinking. So I didn't do any of that. But we played Playstation and X-Box a lot. We sat around Keith's kitchen table and talked too. So that wasn't too bad of a time. I didn't get much sleep because we spent most of the night up playing video games. But anyways, today has been horrible. All I've been able to do all day is think which is never good for me. I came into work at 1 and I haven't left yet and its now 8 at night. 7 hours straight of sitting here doing nothing is so horrible. And all I've been able to think of is how horrible this semester is going to be. I hate this damn University, I hate being here. Nothing good came out of my first semester here, which leads me to believe that nothing good will come out of this upcoming semester. I've been lost and alone for too long. Without a g/f, without friends, without anything but loniless and I hate it all. I hate everything. Life is a hard kick in the face, and it seems like there's no getting up from it right now. Tomorrow is the first day of classes. I have work at 8 in the morning and I'm prolly going to get no sleep tonight because I'm going to lie awake in bed and think how shitty this semester is going to be,h ow shitty this part of my life is going to be. And I hate myself for it and I hate everything else for it. I lost and confused as to what to do with myself anymore. I know that I'm going to spend almost all of my weekends at home sitting in my room, alone and away from any sign of happiness. That's my prediction, and I'm usually pretty close with predicitions for myself. I hate it all, I hate everything...night
1/21/03
So the first day of the Spring Semester today. Wasn't that great really. I spent more time at work today than anywhere else. Six hours to be exact. So it pretty much sucked. I only had one class today which was Psychology of Personal Growth. It seems like it's going to be a really good class. A lot of the stuff he said we were going to learn seems like it might make me understand my own life a little better. A lot of the stuff he said brought back a lot of memories I guess, some good, some bad. So I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. So I have classes tomorrow which sux. I really don't want to go to them because I'm figuring they will be pretty boring the first day. I guess I'll have to see about those too. So I don't know what this semester holds for me. I really don't plan on making friends, but they may come along unexpectedly. Who knows. But I'm not really going out of my way for it because I really just don't feel like it. So I think this semester will suck which I'm fine with. I'm getting used to things being bad in my life, so I'm just going to ride it out and see what happens. It's as simple as that. Oh yeah, I updated another comic so this is my second comic I've done so far. I'm working on another one right now so I guess I'll see how it turns out. Well I'm going...night
1/22/03
So I guess today didn't turn out to be too bad of a day for once. So I guess I was pleased by the time I left the college. So anyways, the day started off pretty slow. I found out that I don't have the right book for Humanities class because he got a new one for this semester. But I'm not going to buy one anyway because I barely used the one the previous semester so I think it'll just be a waste of money. So I'll get buy just reading stuff on the internet that we have to read. It'll be easier that way. So then I went straight to my Programming 2 class right after that. So the teacher seemed to be pretty nice, but she's not going to be as cool as Mr. Wyatt was. So that sort of sux. A lot of the stuff she said we were going to go over was already covered in Programming 1 or at least we touched base on it slightly. So it looks like that class will be pretty easy. There's only 10 people in it too which will make it easier to learn I think. And there's this one girl in my class who was in my Calc class last year and she sat behind me today. So I said hi to her when she came in. She's not really that attractive and she's a blond, but maybe she'll be someone to talk to or someone to make friends with. I'll just have to see. So then I had two hours after that class to kill. So I went to my mom's office to find that my already crappy shoes were falling apart really fast. So I asked my mom for some money to buy new dress shoes. So I got that and went to K-Mart and got myself a pair and then another pair of white tennis shoes. I think they look pretty cool and they were $12. So it was a pretty good deal. Then I headed to Taco Bell where I got me and my mother lunch. Then I went back to her office to eat. So then I had my Appl of Micro with Dr. Barrett. So he's really boring already. He had a few good stories too tell which were funny, but he's hard to hear and his voice is sort of quiet too I guess. So that class will probably be boring. Maybe not. Then off to French which looks to be maybe one of my best classes this semester. I think there's like 12 people in there or something like that. This Carly girl is in there, the one from Taco Bell, Hannah from Redbank is in there, then there are these two pretty girls in there as well. The one has really pretty blue eyes. They're like a darker blue and really full. And at one point in the class when we were reading stuff, she was twirling her hair in her finger cause she was nervous, and for some reason I find that to be pretty attractive in girls. I'm not sure why but it is. I don't know why I'm starting to notice really pretty eyes in girls now either, but I am for some reason. I guess it sort of seems weird to me. I don't know, but the class looks to be pretty good because I'll have people to talk to in there. So then after class I went out to leave to my car and this Carly girl was walking down the road and stopped when she saw me. So we walked to the parking lot talking about stuff. She starting to talk about Abby and I and I said how we ended on bad terms and stuff. Then I told her why and she started talking about Postelwaite, her ex, and so it wasn't too bad of a conversation. So that's pretty cool. That lifted my spirit a good deal. So I guess this semester hasn't been too bad so far. I'll just wait to see what else it has in store for me...night
1/24/03
So to catch up a little bit, Thursday I had only my one psych class and then work too. I ate lunch with Keith at the Dining Hall after the psych class that we have together. So that wasn't too bad. We just sat and talked about pretty much nothing really that important. Just chatting about anything really. So then Thursday when I got home, I got a call from Kayla asking if I wanted to go out with her and some other people to play pool at the Truck stop in Stratenville, so I agreed to that and we went and did that. It was me, Kayla, her b/f Jake, and his friend Cody. So it wasn't too bad of a time. I really didn't talk to the two guys, just Kayla. So then today was pretty crappy. I didn't really feel that great. I sort of have a cough and cold, but nothing major. I didn't feel that great mentally either for some reason. So I sat around all day wondering if I should wait around and see if Kayla would call or see if anything else was going on. So just before work was about over Tyler messaged me asking if I just wanted to chill at his house so I decided I'd do that so I'd have something to do for sure. So I went over to Jen's house and waited for Tyler to come, then rode with him out to his house. We played some Tennis, Hockey, and Soccer on his X-Box and whatever the newest Sega gaming system is. The name slips my mind for the time being. But then we went upstairs and watched the last 2/3 of Freddy Got Fingered then the last 3/4 of 13 Ghosts. Both of the movies weren't too bad. I'd already seen Freddy Got Fingered but not 13 Ghosts. So then I just came home and here I am. A pretty crappy day, but an oh k night...night
1/26/03
So yesterday I ended up going to the movies with Jeffers, Phil, and Phil's sister and her b/f. We went and watched Gangs of New York. It wasn't that bad of a movie, but it seemed to drag on a bit towards the middle of the movie. I didn't think it was that long of a movie going into it, but it turned out to be pretty long. But the movie wasn't too bad so I guess it was alright that it was that long. So I had a pretty good time for the most part. We really didn't do anything, but still it was an alright time. So today wasn't very exciting. Church was alright even though hardly anyone showed up due to the crappy roads. I shoveled the sidewalk and by the time church was over the sidewalk was covered again. So then after church I spent most of my day playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. It's a pretty good game. It's pretty long too. I'm not even a fourth of the way through it yet so I have a lot to go still. I was planning on reading some of my stuff for school, but I didn't do that. I did do my french homework, but I didn't read any of my computer books. I didn't do it because I pretty much know it all anyway. So I'll look over it slightly sometime, but I'm not going to read it all. So that was my day. Not a lot to tell. School will probably suck tomorrow, but I'll deal with it...night
1/27/03
I feel both sick mentally as well as physically. I have a cold and a cough which doesn't seem to want to go away. I've been thinking that maybe this is because I've been feeling rather unhealthy mentally, but I can't say that for sure. So today was pretty crappy just like I thought. I moped around all day in the cold not having much energy to do anything. I figured out that I no longer care how I appear to people. My hair was just in a big mess today sticking out everywhere because I really didn't give a damn about anything today. I thought a lot and I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to just blame myself for everything that has occured in my life recently. Everything that has happenen with Nicole, everything that has happened with Keith, everything that has happened with Abby, everything that has happened with anyone that has resulted in rather unhappy endings is all being blamed on myself. I thought of it as this, why should they be blamed for anything when I feel just as good as blaming myself. They deserve all the happiness in the world and so I'll be left here, taking the blame for everything that has happened. I've also let myself be overcome with this feeling of sadness and loniless. This feeling of having no real friends left, having no one to talk to about things, and having nothing to wake up for each morning. I don't think I truly understand why I feel this way, but I don't feel that it's where I should be, although I find no way out of it. And to think all this supposedly great person that used to be me, that everyone used to tell me how great of a person I was, is all gone to waste. To tell me that I can write well, to playing soccer well, to anything. It's all nothing anymore and that greatly leaves me to feel severly useless in this life. I've maybe even started to think that this small room is the only place that I have left in my life. When I look out into the world, I don't feel comfortable anywhere else anymore. I've lost everything that I used to have including my motivation, my will to better myself, my abilitly to see beyond what life has, the way I could always smile if things were bad and actually not fake it. I've lost all these things and more and I'm becoming less of who I want to be and more of this monotonous person with no will for life. I can't believe life has come to such terms, but what's more, I can't believe that life use to be so good. I don't understand anything anymore and so I'll go on blaming myself for what life I've brought up myself. I feel so sorry for myself, but I have nothing left to change that. Life is no longer what I make it, but more life what it makes me...bye
1/28/03
So today I still felt sort of crappy. My cough was horrible last night and I didn't get to sleep for a good while and since I stayed up late talking to people too, I got pretty much no sleep last night. And then having to get up early for work didn't make it any better. So work was pretty crappy. I really didn't want to be there. For awhile I was thinking of just skipping my first hour and going at 10, but I didn't because that's just who I am. So I was pretty tired there. So then class at 11 wasn't too bad other than this long explanation of class structure in the Victorian Age. It got sort of boring and it only got to the point after like 20 minutes. So then I went to lunch with Keith again. It wasn't too bad. The chicken sucked because there was no chicken on it at all so I was pissed. I would like bite into it and it was all bone. So I just left it on my plate. So then after that I had work again which wasn't that bad. I didn't do anything but sit around and read this book that listed every single character in the entire Lord Of The Rings books. I didn't have enough time to read it all, but I read a lot about the main characters and the story behind some of them. So that was interesting I guess. So then after work I headed to New Bethlehem where I stopped and ate at Joe's Pizza. I got two slices off pepperoni pizza and some garlic bread with mozarrella cheese. I spent about an hour there eating really slow and killing time. Then I stopped and got gas then headed to get my haircut and came home. Pretty boring day. But last night was a pretty bad night and yet I guess hope remains. I thought about it today. I think that maybe I needed to go the whole way to the bottom of the barrell to be able to make my way back out again. I haven't been as down as I was last night for a long time. I don't know what was wrong with me, but all at once, everything seemed to just rush in on me and I felt completely lost and alone. I thought things that I never dreamed I would think of. That really scared me in the end. For some reason though, when I was suddenly so far down it seemed that everyone just started to talk to me. Nicole, Keith, Mole, Jen, Chucko; they all started to talk to me. I don't know why, or why it happened then, but it did. To tell the truth, I think Chucko helped out the most even though he didn't have much to say, nor did he have anything really deep to say, what he said was to the point and yet nothing that really pushed me to do something. He just let me know how things are and gave me things to things to think about. So that was cool. The others helped as well. So now I don't know where to go from here. A lot of things were said last night in the position of going into the future. Future events, future happenings, and future occurances were all brought up, so I don't really know what any of it means. So I guess I'll live through it now and see what happenes. As well I've realized how stupid it is to keep putting the new entries at the bottom of the page rather than the top. So starting next month when I start a new page for Februarys journals, I'll do it that way instead. So until next time...night
1/29/03
So today turned out to be pretty boring. I spent most of the day just trying to avoid anything and evreything. I really didn't care to be out around people today for some reason. I'm not sure why. My car went to be worked on again today because of the brakes or soemthing, only to find out that there is a hole in the radiator so I don't get to drive again tomorrow because my car will be in the shop and I'm not sure about Friday either. So that really displeases me. So I wasn't happy when I found that out. Stupid car. So I just went to my classes and went back to my mom's office after them today because like I said, I really didn't feel like being around other people that much. I came home and sat around all night not really caring to do homework or read anything. Pretty boring all around. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I doubt it...night
1/30/03
So today was pretty boring for the most part. I had work early this morning where I pretty much did nothing. So that sucked, but it gave me time to look over my Programming homework and get that done. So then I went to my Psych class where we talked a lot about dreams and what they mean. So that was sort of interesting. So then went to the dining hall with Keith again. I think I might go there every Tuesday and Thursday. I'm not really sure, but I prolly will. So then back to work again, but only for an hour, so it wasn't that bad but still boring. It sux working with people that really aren't that interesting, but then again, I'm not that interesting so it sort of evens out I guess. So I picked up the movie Gattaca today at the library. It looked pretty good when I saw it on level A one day so I decided to check it out. It's like the only movie they have there, so that sort of sux that they don't have other ones there. But anyways, I came home with my brother since my car is still in the shop and will be again tomorrow which isn't good and maybe even Saturday which is even worse. Stupid car. So anyways, on to Gattaca. I have to say I was very impressed with this movie. It had a really good point behind it again. I seem to be noticing that a lot in movies such as in BLOW. But the movie completely showed the human spirit in perseverance. The main character struggled to achieve his dream no matter what the difficulties he had to face. He was born supposedly with low expectations of doing anything productive with his life, and yet maybe this was what kept him going strong. It truly made me think about what could actually happen if you try hard enough to achieve whatever you desire. In the end, I believe the true message of the movie was to reach for the stars and don't ever stop because if you do, you'll never know what you could have done with your life. Instead you'll be left wondering if you could have done more with yourself and that isn't something that is good on a person's mind. A very good movie. I recommend seeing it. I'll definitly watch it again before I return it to the library. Well I'm going...night
1/31/03
So I guess today wasn't that bad. It sucked for certain reasons, but it turned out to be pretty good I think. So anyways, I had two of my classes cancelled today. My Humanities class and my Appl. of Micro class as well. I ate lunch with my mom and her one old student assistant so that wasn't too bad. Then I worked from 4-5 and then met Keith and went back to his dorm. Then after that he called Betsey and we headed over to her house where we messed around for awhile till her dad came home. Then she said she wanted to go somewhere else because she didn't want to hang around with her parents, so in the end we decided to come to my house. We sat around here not doing too much when Jimmy called Betsey's cell phone. So then Jimmy, Tyler, and Ben decided to come down here to my house. So I think that was a pretty good time. I'm not sure if everyone else had a good time, but I did. Betsey looked like maybe her knee was bothering her and stuff so that sucked for her. I wish it could get all better instead of still hurting her. I guess it'll just have to take time to heal. So anyways I read this message on my guestbook today about seeking personal help for my problems. I mean, whoever this person is, I understand what they see by reading my journal. I mean a lot of the stuff on there looks like I'm completely down, and yes I think that there are certain times when I am, especially Monday. But too seek professional help isn't what I need. I think that that would just make it worse by making feel like I'm really not well off. And I don't think that's the case. I just lost a lot of things that I wasn't ready to lose and I'm just having a hard time dealing with it and getting used to a different life. So seeking professional help isn't even an option. Friends is the option I've got and that's what I'll take. So I don't know who this person is, but thank you for you're opinion. I understand what you're seeing from reading my journals, but it's just me not taking this adjusting very well. And so maybe I tend to throw things out of proportion. Oh well, I'm done for now...night
