This is the real me, the one that no one should care for
(3-23-05)
All of this has become too much. Everytime I see her picture, everytime I talk to her, whether it's on the phone or online, everytime I see her in person, I think how amazing she is, but then I also think, she likes someone else. And this happens all these times, and everytime it does, it kills me over again. I can't deal with that anymore. Everytime she gives me a small glimmer of hope, it all comes crashing down later on. I have nothing to look forward to when I constantly have my heart broken time and time again. I don't understand how it all seems fine, but underneath it all, everything is in massive ruin. I'm ruined inside, and I'm not dealing with it well whatsoever. I'm hurt, and I have no way to deal with any of it. My only choice now is to completely remove her from my life. There's no way to get her out of my heart and mind, but I can at least not see her and not talk to her, and hopefully that will relieve some of the hurt that I'm continuously given. I just need to be away from her until she decides what she needs to do. Anyways, we aren't even together. She has another person in her mind, so I don't see why we should be together now. It gets me nowhere, and me being around her doesn't change her mind at all. There's nothing I can do to convince her that I'm the one for her, so I don't see a point in talking to her and seeing her. If nothing helps there's no reason for it. It's the only thing I can do. If it's my downfall then so be it. I've made mistakes before. There's no reason why I can't do it again, but I pray that this isn't one of them. I don't want to lose her, but maybe I already have. Although I can never lose her completely. She'll always be with me, whether I want her to be or not. Right now though, I want her in my mind, but I need some of the pain relieved. I'm sorry this all had to happen. I wish it wouldn't have, but I had and still have no control over that. It's all up to her now. I've done what I can, but it was all in vain. I'm helpless and hopeless. I'm less of what I was before, and I continue to fade. It's not where I want to be, but it's where I am regardless of that. I need to wake up, or maybe I need to sleep. I need something, and the only thing that I need is her. She's my only cure right now, and until that happens, I'll be sick. And if she never comes back, then I don't know. I'll suffer, for months, for years. I don't know. I don't want to think about it ... night
(3-13-05)
"I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid
A thousand nights or more
I travel east and north
Please answer the door
Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
Get down on your knees
Whisper what I need
Something pretty
Something pretty
I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful
Then you tell me...
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
I'm done, there's nothing left to show
I try but can't let it go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
Tonight it feels so hard
As the train approaches Gare Du Nord
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me"
Jimmy Eat World - "Polaris"
(3-10-05) I’m not getting along well at all. It seems that sleep is always restless no matter what. I’ve even woken up during the middle of the night, and in somewhat of a tired stupor sort of yelled out in defeat, until I realized what I was doing. This is just killing me mentally and physically. I’m just so lost with everything. I have no will or want to do my homework that I brought home over break. It’s just all too much.
I talked to her for a short time on Tuesday. It was nice, although she doesn’t seem to be too concerned. Hopefully that’s just the way it seemed because if that’s the case then that means I pretty much mean nothing. I guess it just seems like this is killing me far worse than it is her. I don’t know why that is. It’s just the way things are that make it seem that way. But I guess I never really know, and maybe I won’t ever know. I also talked to Eric about the whole situation. He’s the first person I talked to about this. I don’t believe that it’s because I feel that comfortable with him, but maybe because he’s not around, so I don’t have to worry about word getting around to everyone. I just feel so betrayed and hurt, and to have everyone talking about this situation would only make things so much worse for me. I couldn’t stand that. Although, being here at home by myself isn’t helping either. I’ve spent the majority of my time in my room. I pretty much only leave it when everyone else is gone, when it’s time for dinner, or to shower. I’m pathetic, I know, but I love this girl and don’t want to face the world without her.
I did go to visit my grandma today. I visited with her for about an hour. It was nice, but the she asked how Ashley and I were. It was terrible to lie to her face and say that things were good. She even told me to say hi for her. It tore me up inside hearing all that. This whole situation is terrible. I have no one to confide in for anything. I’m facing this all on my own, and all I’m doing is repressing it all. By doing that, all I get accomplished is feeling worse and worse because I feel more alone as the days go by. Everyday that she doesn’t talk to me, everyday that she does and doesn’t seem to want to be with me, everyday that she doesn’t seem to be the girl who loves me, I feel farther and farther away from everything in this world. It crushes more than probably anyone will ever know, save for her, if she ever asks me. I just want her back. I want her to want me and me alone. She says all she’s asking for is time, well that’s all I’m asking for. Is that too much to ask?? It might be, but all I can do now is pray … night
(3-8-05) Being that I’m not going to post entries onto my 2 web journals, I’m just planning on posting these entries on my site. Not many people know about this part of my site, if any, and I need to get my thoughts down somewhere. I figured this would be the best thing to do.
Looking back on things now, I just don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong, or if I even did anything right. All I know now is that I want to make it all right. When I went to see Ashley this weekend, I was nervous. I realized everything that could happen, and pretty much knew what would happen. Regardless though, I had no want for it to happen. I guess there’s not much I could do though. I had an amazing time with her though. I thoroughly enjoyed Sunday, all of it. We lounged around all afternoon in each others arms. It was amazing, watching her sleeping, seeing how beautiful she truly is. I didn’t want to look away. Even with her face was dry from all the tears that she had to wipe away, she was still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. It was nice to just fall asleep together. Going out to eat together was nice as well, and shopping at Wal-mart for groceries was nice as well. I don’t know what else to say, but for once, on Sunday night, I fell asleep with her in my arms instead of being more comfortable, although then, I was as comfortable as I’ve ever been. I just couldn’t let go. I had no intention to, and so I held on tight.
I can’t say that Monday was as great. It was much less than that. She had her classes in the morning and work in the afternoon. I slept for awhile until her phone woke me up. I found it to be him, and when I saw that, I laid back in bed and though for maybe 30 minutes before doing anything. I somehow eventually got up and showered, checked out my e-mail and such online, then went out to eat somewhere. I drove around for maybe 15 minutes until I decided to eat somewhere. I ended up going to Applebee’s. I don’t think I’ve felt so alone in such a long time. I sat there, hearing the conversations of everyone else. I think I was the only person there by myself. The only smile I got was from that of my waitress, who I tipped generously for that. On my way back to her place, she called. I don’t know whether she was worried that I wasn’t coming back or not. Anyways, I went back there. We talked for a good while. A lot was said; some things that gave me hope, and others that completely tore me apart. I don’t think I’ve felt so sad since my grandpa passed away. I just didn’t know what else to do. It was pretty much decided that we aren’t going to talk or see each other because she needs to decide what to do. It kills me, over and over. It poured the whole time I was driving home. It just made things so much worse. I got back to the apartment and packed up my stuff, then just came home.
Today hasn’t been much fun either. I’ve spent time playing games and watching TV. I can’t get her off my mind. Every time I look at my wrist, I think of her. I ended up giving her all the rubber bands from my wrist. I told her if she sees me again with intentions of being with me, then she can give them back. I’m constantly reaching for them, but realize that they aren’t there. It’s the same with her. I’m constantly thinking of her, but realize that she’s not there. I don’t know what to do without her. I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t come back. She’s the one for me, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. If she leaves, I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to move on, and even if I do end up with someone, I’ll continue to love her, and only be with someone to not be alone. That’s all I can say now … night
(1-31-04) I’m not exactly sure why I began to start this hidden section of my website. I guess I felt that I needed to get my true emotions out. I realized that I didn’t feel like putting them into a written journal, so by doing this I could get my true emotions out. For anyone who does read this, I suppose you’ll know more about me than you would otherwise, maybe more than I should even put into words, but I have on other means of expressing myself. I don’t feel that I have anyone who I can talk to about some things. I feel that I have no friends to confide in, and so I’m lost in most cases. I guess I’m writing this because I can’t take it anymore. I feel so lost and confused anymore. Not just lately, but for a long time now. It’s all pent up emotions that never get out. I realize this won’t help me, but I have on other outlet. Tonight on the way home, I was listening to a CD, my Dashboard Confessional burnt CD, and I couldn’t help but think too much about my life. I couldn’t help but break down into tears. I haven’t cried in such a long time, and then I just had to let it out. I’ve become too emotional. This isn’t who I want to be, but I had no choice in that whatsoever. It’s who I am. It kills me sometimes to think of some of the thoughts I do. Today/tonight was no different than hundreds or thousands of other times before. I can’t help but put every negative thought so far ahead of the positive ones. All this does for me is to make my life hell. For example, all I could think about on the way home was how wrong I am for Ashley. I look at myself and just think that I’m wasting her time. She has so much to live for, so much more than she realizes, and she gets stuck with me, someone who doesn’t deserve someone like her. I don’t know how I fell into her arms, but somewhere along the way I did. Now all I feel is that she has more out there for her. It’s too hard now to tell her this, but it’s fresh and present in my mind almost constantly. It’s never good leaving her side either. It’s never good when I don’t have her attention either. Whether or not she notices, but when that’s not the case, I’m not that happy of a person. It’s happened before, and I’m sure she’s noticed. But every time I have that feeling I feel that she can find someone better. Actually I feel that she does think the same thing, but now she’s been dating me for almost 4 months and she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I realize that I’m no one special or important, although I may tend to act that way. What I do realize is that’s all a lie. I’m nothing, no one special. I have nothing about me that stands out. I’m just the kid who doesn’t quite fit in. That’s very apparent. When I’m around other people, you don’t see me talking to them. I sit there, just with my own thoughts which only do more and more harm to myself. I don’t know why. It’s just the way it happens. I’m starting to feel that she doesn’t like me, but doesn’t want to tell me so. I can see why she wouldn’t either. I’m not what she needs, maybe right now, but in the long run, I don’t see her needing me. I see her needing someone better, so much better. When I think about things, all I can see is the past and the present, but when I look to the future, I can’t see anything. I thought before that I knew, but I’ve com to realize that I’m completely clueless. That’s not what she needs. She needs someone who knows what they want, so that they can take care of her. I don’t feel that I could fit into those shoes. I’m scared that I’ll be nothing, and I feel that I am becoming nothing day by day. I do it all to myself though. It’s all my fault. Tonight when I finally got home, I talked to Ashley online, and she seemed so content. She seemed sad when I left and told me something to the effect that she didn’t feel like hanging out with everyone back at her room. But when I talked to her, she seemed so happy. It’s just more reasons to think what I am is true. It kills me to think such things, but I don’t think I can do it any other way. So when I realized she was happy, I couldn’t talk to her anymore. I went to the shower and just sat there under the water with a thousand different horrible thoughts running through my head. She has so many different things she could have, and so many different choices up there. I don’t want to hold her back. She should have what she needs, which seems not to be me. I realizing I’m writing all this down, but she doesn’t know, and who knows if she ever will. Maybe we will end up together, but thoughts lead me to believe otherwise. I just don’t want to end up ruining her life. It’s that last thing I want to do. I don’t want to stop a girl with so much potential from getting what she deserves. I don’t want to hold her back. So now all I can think of are sad thoughts. It’s just more tears… 
