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12 November 2003, Wednesday
Time 23:00

Dear me,
It's always just the same.
I'm scared and worried,
Lost and dazed.
The time for help is drawing near,
And yet I still want to cut.
Why would I betray myself like that?
My therapy starts tomorrow--
DBT is what it's called.
It's new and radical:
Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
A new approach to treating borderlines.
People like me.
It starts tomorrow,
But tonight I want to cut.
A sabotage before I even have the chance to get better.
Why would I do that?
I don't know.
Dear me,
I'm getting really confused.
At least I know what I'm doing now.
But I still have all those feelings.
Rage, grief, fear, confusion.
They all seem so common now.
Now that I've been borderline.
But why?
It doesn't all make sense.
I'll try not to cut tonight
But I can't make any promises.
I'm a saboteur in a cruel world.
I'm a saboteur, but at least I know that now.
I know that I'm a saboteur.