Back Again : An Nsync Fanfic

Emma was taking things hard latly and I was sure who to blame most of it on. Her mother had always been protective of her and really never gave her much credit, even when she did good. But when she was with me, I tried so hard to help her forget all that. But it was tough for her because when you carry that much baggage around for so long, your likely to have a hunched over back. “How about here?” I asked, pointing out a beautiful grass prairie by a small lake. “Thats wonderful.” she replied, in awe. Her green eyes sparkled alittle, some of it hope, some of it what was left of her tears. I reached out to touch her long golden hair when she smiled at me, startling me a bit. “You ever wonder where we’ll be in 5 years?” she asked. I thought about it for a second, my first time of thinking on my own in years. Nothing was ever, ‘what do you think’ or ‘what do you want’ it was always, ‘Whats best for Nsync?’ and I was sick of it.

“I don’t know.” I wanted to yell at myself. The first time in years to actually think for myself and I blew it. “Well, I hope to have babies. Lots and lots of babies so I can take care of them and love them, knowing their all mine.” she told me. I sighed, “At least you know what you want.” She looked at me, “You don’t know what you want?” I looked at her and longed to say ‘I want you’ but my previous drillings of not thinking for myself got in the way. “No.” I replied. She got awful quiet then opened the door, “Lets go.” she exclaimed, solemnly. I followed her through the knee-length grass and noticed her slender legs getting scratched up by the weeds. “Emma...” I called out to her.

She stopped and looked at me. I walked up to her and scooped her up. She squealed and laughed, “Oh no!!” I laughed along with her. She still had the same childish laughs and with her calling me James over and over brought me back to a place I hadn’t even re-collected in years. Childhood. “Man, I miss being called James. I really hate the name Lance.” I exclaimed. “Then why don’t you have people call you James instead?” she asked. “I have over 5 million girls around the world who would have a fit if I did that. I don’t think I could sway that many minds.” She grinned up at me, “I keep forgetting your a sex symbol.” I hoisted her up some more and dipped her back. She began squealing again and laughing. “I’m not sexy enough for you?” I asked. “Ack!” was all she could get out between laughs. I looked up and saw a decent place to lay her down. I looked down at her, staring at her eyes squinting up at me in the blazing sun. “This is nice.” she told me. “Yeah, its really nice.” I replied. “So...you know Justin Timberlake?” she asked then started laughing. “Hey, cut it out. I’m trying to get away from all of that!” I replied, smiling.

She looked over to her side and stared at a few butterflies going by, “Could you ever imagine just being able to fly away if you didn’t like something? Just leave, everything?” she asked me. I knew exactly what she meant. Time over time, I bargained with myself that I could just leave Nsync and live a normal life but I guess deep down I knew I couldn’t. Nsync had become a part of me, a part of who I was. Or was it? “That would be really cool.” I told her. She twirled strands of her hair on her finger for a few seconds then looked back up at me with those bright green eyes, even though the sun was hitting them directly. So I got down on my knees and blocked it from her. “You ever wish you weren’t Lance Bass, international pop star?” she asked me. I wanted to scream out ‘yes’ so bad but gave a nod instead. “I wish you weren’t either. It isn’t your style. You hate being center of attention.” I smiled and nodded.

She hadn’t forgotten about me. “You ever wish you weren’t Emma Lou Cambell?” I asked her. She turned away as if I hadn’t even asked her, “This place is beautiful. I didn’t even know it was here.” I sighed, “Yeah, well, I had some time on my hands today.” I told her. “Oh yeah? That must be nice for a change.” she said. “It was...why didn’t you answer my question?” I exclaimed. She looked at me then back at the butterflies next to her, “I had an answer in mind...but...” Why wasn’t she telling me? “Well? What was it?” I asked. “It’s stupid and childish and I’ll just regret saying it.” I laughed, “Have I ever discounted anything you’ve ever said? C’mon Emma, I’m not your mother.” I told her. She just stared up at me, searching through my eyes, asking herself questions I couldn’t understand. “I was thinking I’d rather be Emma Lou Bass than Cambell.” I wanted to toss her into my arms and hug her.

It had been so long since anyone had actually said something so simple yet so heart taking that I couldn’t breathe for a second. She turned away and scoffed, “I knew I shouldn’t have said it.” she told herself. I probably should have showed some emotion on the outside instead of hiding it all inside but it took to much effort. Instead, I leaned down and kissed her with all the passion I had left in me. She took ahold of my neck and caressed the deceptive soft spikes in my hair, leaving me her puppet forever. “I love you, Emma.” I breathed. She looked at me and smiled, “I love you too.” she replied.

He was acting as if he hadn’t felt any emotion for years, like it had been drained slowly from him ever since he left Clinton. He looked like if he wasn’t kissing me, he was going to break down and cry. He had lost tons of weight since last I saw him and the bags under his eyes were a true sign of malnutrition, of love and nourishment. I wanted to think things were going good for him for so long but after seeing him and hearing his troubles, even the ones he wouldn’t express, I knew this wasn’t what he had in mind when he left those long years ago.

“I missed you so much.” I sighed, staring into his deep green eyes. His eyes looked alien to me. They had once been the brightest and liveliest eyes anyone could have sworn to see but now, a white haze was brushed over them and the only sign of life still in them was one small tear forming in the corner. It dropped next to my shoulder, just missing my tee shirt. “James, why are you crying?” I asked. He sat back up and looked up at the sky. “Look at that sky. We don’t see skies like that in Orlando. All full of fog.” he said. Why does he keep refusing to tell me things? What was he so afraid of? “James...whats happened to you?” I asked. He turned to face me, obviously ready to reply but retreated again to the sky. “Ya know, I didn’t just come back home to see you.” he told me. I wanted to ask him why he’d say such a hurtful thing but kept my mouth superglued shut. “I didn’t...” he finished, when he pulled a small blue velvet ring box out from his shirt pocket. “I came to give you this.” he said as he slowly opened it up, exposing a tiny glass ring with a crystal clear heart shaped diomond in the middle. I gasped.

“Emma Cambell, you’d make me the happiest man to ever live if you’d accept to being my wife.” I looked up at him and smiled wildly, gazing heavy-hearted at this small token of James’ unforgotten love. As I went to open my mouth to accept, my mind switched over to a completly different spectrum. Being James’ wife would put me second priority, always waiting by the phone while he’s off touring in some country 500,000 million miles away from me. I’d be typed cast by his so-called adoring fans as hideous names and labels, leaving me a mess the rest of my life. I’d be shoved into a lifestyle that never fitted me and I’d always feel left out. I looked back up at him, this time crying.

She was crying so I took it as a good sign for a few seconds, until I realized that these tears weren’t happiness. She was crying, for real. “Emma? Did I say something wrong?” I asked her, leaning in closer to hug her. She pulled away. I felt so angry at that moment. Everyone I had ever wanted to feel close too had pulled away in my life and to see Emma do the same filled me with such a uncontrollable uneasy feeling. “James-” she stuttered. “What?” I asked again, sounding more and more like a desperate fool in love. “I-” she started again when she got up.

Where was she going? Was she going to leave me too? Out of all the people I had put my trust in, Emma’s betrayal hurt the most. As I sat down on the itchy grass watching the only girl I had ever loved disapear into the forest nearby, I almost felt suicidal. After reaching down into my pocket, I sensed the cool steel of my pocket knife rub against my knuckles. At first I hesitated, staring at the area around me, imagining what could have been had she said ‘yes’. She would have jumped into the car, but me, I would have flown. Off we would go, spreading the news around town. I almost imagined the shocked face of her mother as Emma would tell her about the engagement.

But then I realized that would never happen, realized Emma didn’t want me or what I could offer her. My brain twitched violently for a second with pain. I can’t offer her anything more than I can offer myself. And whats that? Misery. I brushed my knuckle against the knife again, this time pressing harder to cut the skin. As I lifted it out, I caught a glimpse of a dirty red pickup truck come flying down the road. ‘Do it, James! Do it now!’ my mind yelled manically as the pickup got closer. ‘Theres no more time! Do it!’ it yelled some more. I flipped the safety off and took the knife in my hands, positioning it just above a main vein in my arm. As I felt the pressure come down on it, a million voices in my brain filled my senses, almost deafening the one that made the most difference. My conscience.

As I ran through that dark and tattered forest, I couldn’t think of anything but how James was feeling. What was the point of thinking about how I was feeling? I knew what I had done was probably the stupidest thing I had ever done but I didn’t care. Because thinking over what I had done is what my mother would have made me do and I didn’t want to do what she wanted. Not anymore. I felt a strange insensibility encompass my entire body, leaving me in a numb state. I flung myself into a tree as hard as I could, to feel some sort of remorse, but like a tiny rag doll I just knocked myself to the ground into unconsciousness.

For a few seconds, I felt a sense of disparity but as I fell into a deep rest so did it. ‘Please don’t go...’ I begged. But soon, it was as lost as I was. A lonely traveler through this mass of bones and flesh I was almost frightened to admit was my body. I couldn’t be sure of how long I was out but when I came to, a crumpled old man stood interested over my bruised and dirty body. “Are you okay, miss?” he asked. Even with the agony and aches I had, I lifted myself up and told the man I didn’t know where I was. “Where you mugged? Raped?” he asked. I looked down at my clothing, torn at the sides. “No, I tripped over a log and it cut my shirt alittle.” He sighed, “You need a ride home, darlin’?” he asked. I nodded as we left that drafty forest once and for all. But my troubles were only beginning. Now, I had to go home.

“Are you lost, sonny?” the man called out from the inside of his truck. I sighed and hid the pocket knife in my hands. “I’m alright!” I hollered. “You ain’t got a flat or nothin’, do ya?” he asked me again. I wanted to be left alone by myself, to get done what I knew I had been wanting to do for a long time. ‘Lance Bass is dead. A sticky, hot day in a town about 5 miles away from Clinton, MI, his unconscious body was found. Reports say it may have been suicide but because all pop stars have to be happy all the time, we’re going to lie and tell you all he was just overly happy and decided to die that way. Bye bye bye!’ I thought to myself, disgusted by it all.

Disgusted by the thought that they’d write Lance and not James, disgusted that they’d write ‘Bye Bye Bye’ at the end of my obituary. “Nope, I’m good!” I yelled. The man restarted his car and waved. “See ya, James.” he called out. I froze in my thoughts, ‘Had he just called me ‘James?’, I asked. I took another look at the pocket knife in my palm, deciding whether or not if what I thought was a good idea was or not. Thats when I realized that the man in the truck was Emma’s dad. We had just spent the day together, fixing up a Chevy in his shop about a mile away from here. I took the knife and threw it as hard as I could into the lake nearby. With a tiny plop of the water, suicide was far from my mind. I knew I had to change Emma’s mind now. But, how?

As I tried my best to enter my house un-noticed, Katie came running over to greet me, going on about her and my brother Joshes latest fight. My futile attempts at trying to get her to leave me alone for the moment went overlooked and in my mother came, her country crocheted pink apron bunched up in her soapy, wet hands. “Look who decided to show, Katie. Emma’s home.” she exclaimed, coldly. Katie smiled at me. “Go on.” I whispered to her. My mother glared at me like I had broken all ten commandments. And to her, I had. “So...have fun with James? Sure looks like you did.” she replied, eyeing my torn clothing full of dirt. “You have no idea what your talking about.” I told her. “Go upstairs and get dressed. Your uncles are coming over tonight for pork stew or are you going to make an escape on that one too?” she said, distant from any emotion or compassion.

Off her look, I stared at her saying in my mind, ‘Goodness woman, can’t you see I’ve just had a horrible day?’ but my words would have been mistaken for more teenage mouthing off and Pa would be entered in it all. She took the grip off her apron and pointed upstairs to my bedroom but it felt to me like she was pointing me to my prison. She never treated me like she treated Josh and Katie. To her, I was an example, set for them to know what would happen if they stepped out of line. I always thought of myself as one too but that must be the privilege of being the oldest, right? Instead of getting dressed as I was ordered, I fell heavily onto my bed face down and sobbed with a diary and a heart full of words.

It had been a beautiful day but it blossomed into an even more beautiful night. The stars had just begun popping up from the sky and if you looked close enough, you could see Mars. My eyes sparkled with hope of nights to come. After seeing Emma’s father brought a new meaning of optimism to my life. Just as Emma’s mother needed him, I knew Emma would need someone too. And that person should be me. After sitting by that lake, scooping the Mississippi earth in my hands, everything looked so much different. The sun rested colorfully on the plains for a few minutes more until it disapeared, but only to welcome us again tommorow with its radiant light. Oh, how glad I was to have the chance of another day instead of being gone from this world.

I had asked myself what I had been thinking but the truth was, I hadn’t been. It would be only one more mile until I reached Emma’s driveway. About 15 feet away, I hid my truck in an old willow tree and tip-toed past the kitchen window, over to Emma’s bedroom on the second floor. After tossing a few pebbles up at her window with no response, I crept around to the other side and peered in through the window. There I heard her uncles laughing along with the laugh track of an old episode of Seinfeld, Emma sitting quietly next to them, a blank stare on her face. I wanted so badly to free her from all of this but right now, with so many people in the room, it would been defective idea to try and steal her attention to meet me outside. “What are you doin’?” I heard a tiny voice ask. I turned around meeting up with Emma’s younger sister, Katie. Figuring she would probably do anything I’d ask her, I bribed her with a lolly pop if she would get her sister for me. “No, Ma said she doesn’t want you to see Emma.”

I bit my lower lip and tried again, “I’ll give all of your friends autographed pictures of Nsync if you do.” I told her. Katie looked at me like I was nuts, “I’m only 5, I don’t have any friends but my Ma.” This was obviously a fruitless venture so I kissed her goodbye and went off. “Wait-” she said. Urgently, I turned back around, “Yeah?” I asked her, smiling my charming smile. “If you give me another kiss, maybe I’ll go get her for you.” she told me. I laughed to myself, realizing a little 5 year old girl was bribing me, and gave her another kiss. “Okay, wait right here. Don’t move, okay? I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” she told me as she wobbled away, her little sneaker shoe untied.

As I sat there, watching as Jerry lost another great could-be-love-of-his- life because she had the hands of a man, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked back and saw Katie, mouth full of carrots, looking at me. “Yeah?” I asked her. She held her finger up, signaling me to wait. “Don’t swallow until you’ve chewed it, honey.” I told her. She gulped down the rest of it and opened her mouth, showing me it was all gone. “Okay, now what do you need?” I asked. “Lance is outside waiting for you.” she whispered. I wanted to hide, just in case he could see me. “Where?” I asked. “He’s right next to you, looking through the window.” she said, pointing next to me. Disapointed he knew I was there, I got up and began to walk out. “Hey!” Katie shouted. “Oh yes. Thank you.” I replied, smiling at her. As I turned the corner to face him, my body froze.

What was I doing? I couldn’t talk to him after what I did. I poked my head around the corner to see if he was watching for me and he wasn’t he. He was kneeling again in the grass, the ring box in his hand. I sighed. My feelings for James never died after 6 years of being apart from him but I couldn’t bare if we ended up with those wrenching divorces so many couples in Hollywood get. I walked up to him and cleared my throat. “Hi.” I exclaimed.

It was obvious when I turned and looked her in the eyes that she had been crying. “Hey...” I whispered, took ahold of her hand and dragged her out of sight. She sniffled alittle before I could say anything. But when I went to say something, somehow it didn’t seem half as appropriate as kissing her. But she pulled back away from me. “Emma-” I started. “No, James, don’t. Because it isn’t going to work.” she told me, staring me in the eyes. “We can make it work.” I told her. Something by the way she looked at me after that said she believed me or at least wanted to. “I can’t marry you...it’ll ruin what we have and you know it. We’ll get married and I’ll become so invisible and obsolete compared to your life with Nsync, we’ll end up with one of those horrid Hollywood divorces.” I wanted to take ahold of her and just hug her.

That was what she was afraid of. “That won’t happen, your being silly.” I exclaimed. “And since when did you become a fortune teller? Hmm?” she asked me. And suddenly, a light went on in my head. Leave Nsync. Of course! I could finally leave everything that had been holding me back these past years and get back to what life I left behind. Emma. “I’ll leave Nsync. Buy an island or something. We can have tons of babies, just like you wanted. And there would be no force on Earth that could ever make me stop loving you, thats the God’s honest truth.” I exclaimed, breathlessly making each statement sounding truer than the first. She gazed up at me as if I read her thoughts on every dream she had ever had and kissed me. “Yes. I consent.” she replied. I snatched her up in my arms and refused to let go, beaming brighter than the sun. Slowly, I slipped the tiny glass ring on her finger as she smiled up at me. That was when we both heard a car coming up the driveway. Emma drew away from me immediatly, frightened it might be her mother. But to both of our reliefs, it was only Johnathan and Hattie. Emma told me to stay behind the tree while she went to greet Hattie. So, patiently, I waited.

She was still the skinny young girl I knew before I left for college a few years back but alot more mature. She took ahold of my hand and pulled me in to give me a hug. I swore I could almost feel the baby growing inside her or least I wanted to. “Hey honey, how ya doing? Have you seen James since last night?” she asked me. Without speaking, I discreetly pointed towards the tree. James popped out his hand and waved. “So...you forgave him?” she asked. I took my hands out from behind my back and showed her the ring. She squealed with envy, showing me her wedding ring in comparison. “Any chance of askin’ him to get me one? Ya know, so we can have identical rings, of course.” she said, smiling up at me. I laughed, “Sure.” I replied. She began jumping up and down, excitedly. “You shouldn’t get to worked up. Could disturb the baby.” I exclaimed. She looked up at me and grinned, “James told you...” she smirked. “I practically had to beat it out of him.”

She caught glimpse of the scrapes on my arm almost immediatly after me saying that, “Oh Emma, what happened?” she asked. Ashamed by my actions in the forest I tugged my 3/4 shirt down alittle further and smiled at her, “Little accident.” I lied. She looked at me, a friendly but worried expression on her face, “That must have been a nasty accident.” she replied. I wanted her to drop it, leave it be, so that I wouldn’t have to think of what I had done to myself. So what if she was my best friend, what business did she have prying into mine the way she was? “Ma’s at the grocery store buying apple cider. But Uncle Jim is in there. He’s been meaning to ask Johnny about some help around the ranch. Maybe you should go inside and sit down.”

She nodded and smiled, “Take care, honey.” she told me. I replied that I would and walked off in the opposite direction to James, my conscience severely weighed with the way I had just treated my best friend. There she was, trying to help me out, and I turned her down coldly. Who was I becoming? The answer wasn’t to far from my mind. I was becoming my mother.

After seeing the look on Hattie’s face as she stared at Emma’s arm, I became curious as to what she saw. “Hatties gonna go inside and sit.” she told me. I nodded and looked down at her arm. It was a dark blue color, scraped up pretty nastily. “Wow, what happened, honey?” I asked her. She became furious and told me it was none of my business. Upset at how she spoke to me, I fought back. “I’m your fiance’!” I shouted. She made me quiet down, in case Uncle Jim or Josh heard me. But I wasn’t about to be just shut up that easily, “Did you do this?” I asked. She stared away, ignoring my questions. “Emma?” I restated. “It’s not what you think.” she said.

I knew what it looked like and I didn’t understand it. “Why?” I asked. Finally, I felt like an idiot. What had I done just hours before I drove over here? Was I losing my mind or did I just totally block that moment from my memory? Whatever it was, I knew how it needed to be handled. “I know things are going wrong latly and you feel bad about them but hurting yourself is not the answer.” I told her. She looked at me, tears dripping from her eyes, “Thats the problem! I don’t feel anything! Nothing!” she exclaimed. I took a second to think about this then tried to come back with some wise conviction to make her feel better about things but nothing came to mind so I hugged her instead. “Emma Lou?” a womans low-toned voice called out. Emma turned and faced her, “Ma.”

I was busted and that was the plain and simple truth. I don’t know what it was about my mothers voice when she was angry that made me want to crawl up in a ball but it did that to me every time. “Ma.” I stated. She took a few steps towards us then stopped, staring at my hand. “So, I see you’ve gone and got yourself engaged.” she bellowed. James grabbed my hand and held it strongly. Why was I even so frightened still by her threats? I’ve been legal age for 3 years now and her punishments were no intimidation anymore or so I wanted to think. But the fear of disapointing her still brought quakes through me and whether I wanted to or not, I always disapointed her anyway. So what was it about her this time that was making me so apprehensive to tell her that she had no right to tell me who to date?

It certainly was not James hand, holding steadfastly against the odds that soon he might have to let go or even Hatties strong and permissive glare through the tv rooms window but it was my own fear containing my desires to be free from her Nazi rules and regulations. And I was sick of it.

Emma was trying her best to keep it together, that was apparent. Why was her mother so against the chances of her own daughter being happy? It was obvious now why Emma wanted so many children. She wanted to try and fix what her mother did to her by treating them better. That I could comprehend but the fact Emma was allowing her mother to tell her what to do even though she was of age to make her own decisons was beyond me. Did she want me? I would think of that later because right now, Emma needed me. “Do whatever you want with your life, Emma but don’t come crying home to me if it doesn’t work out. I warned you.” her mother exclaimed to her. Emma trembled alittle then said, “I love James, Ma! And even if it didn’t work out, I’d never come crying home to you. Never!” she yelled. Her mothers eye brow lifted, “Really? So the truth comes out. I mean nothing to you, do I?” she replied.

How could a mother even suggest that to thier child? The thought made me angrier than before to the point it was hard to contain a forceful left hook right to her jaw. “No, thats not true, Ma.” Emma exclaimed. Her mother stayed quiet, probably one her most deadly tactics of getting her own way. “Emma, lets go.” I whispered. “And where are you planning on taking my daughter?” she asked. It was my turn. Was I prepared to speak my mind now?