Ashley High- Chapter 4
Head on back
Ben drove me home two hours later and kissed me goodbye, “I love you...” he whispered. “Stop, your gonna make me cry again.” I squeal. He chuckles and looks me seriously in my eyes, “Ready?” he asks. I gulp loudly, “I don’t know if I can do this. My mom is gonna be so disappointed in me.” I reply. “Do it for me, angel.” Ben assures me. He kisses my forehead and walks back to his truck. I stand there and watch as he drives away, turn around, and take a deep breath. Am I actually gonna do this?, I asked. In the next few minutes, I was about to find out.
“Mom, I’m home!” I hollered. I heard her softly coming down the stairs, her arm wrapped gently around her wounded torso. I knew now was not a good time. “I bumped into the lower cabinets in the kitchen alittle after you left this morning, haven’t been able to ease the pain yet. How was your day?” she asked. “Uh, good. Actually, I didn’t make it to school today mom.” I said. What am I doing?! Am I completely retarded?! “Why not?” she asked sternly. Same old mom, of course. “I went out with Ben.” Shut up Ashley before you do anything more!! “Excuse me? You skip school to hang with your boyfriend? Ashley Lynn-” she started, when it happened. A massive emotional drive came over me and I suddenly found myself spilling my guts all over the floor. Well, thats alittle bit of an exaggeration.
“We’re engaged.” My mom’s mouth clenched tightly as she turned her face from me and left the room. The silent treatment. I can handle that, right? Heartbroken from rejection, I ran straight to Ben’s house and practically into his arms. He held me for a second, pushed me away and asked me if I could stay when he tells his parents. I nodded. We walked inside and everything was as gloomy as ever. One thing I always noticed about Ben’s house was that no one ever smiled. Not even the portraits hung on the wall.
“Mom? Dad!” Ben called, as he held tighter and tighter to my hand. We searched through the rooms. “Maybe they went out?” I thought. “Hmm, let’s check outside on the patio.” Ben was ever so right. “Benny!!” his grandmother cheered. My heart had sunk into my stomach. Ben’s smile said it all. He was gonna scream. “Grand-ma...,”he remarked, shockingly, “I thought I was flying to you?” I stared blankly at them, thinking that if maybe I stared at them long enough, they’d all disappear. They weren’t budging. “Oh no, your parents said you wanted us to come down here before you came!” his grandma exclaimed. She grabbed Ben and squeezed him tightly. “And who’s this sweet little thing?” she remarked , turning to me. I froze. She was looking straight at me. “Thats my-” Ben began. “His friend, Ashley.” his father finished. Diane looked ashamed for a second then asked me if I wanted to stay. Ben looked down at me. I really wanna leave but not without Ben. What do I do?
“Gladly. Did you make those crumb cakes?” I asked, sounding perky. “You bet. Everyone fall into the kitchen and I’ll bring out the treats. Ashley, would you like to help me?” Diane asked. Everyone began to walk into the other room.“Sure,” I said and she left, then squeezed Ben’s hand. He turned to me. “Angel, I’m sorry I got you into this. I never knew my grandparents were gonna be here.” “Forget about it. I’d love to meet your grandparents. And stop apologizing, your doing wonderful.” I assured him. He smiled at me and I knew he just wanted to kiss me right there but couldn’t. “Ashley? Ben? Coming?” she called. We smiled to her and nodded. “Be right in, Mom.” Ben replied.
Breaking all the rules, I reached up and kissed him on the cheek. He loved me for it. We walked in and had to “UN-hold” our hands, sadly, and sit across from each other at the Victorian maple table. The room was slightly brightened and Ben’s grampa and father were going on and on about something or another as I helped lay napkins down. “How old are you now, hun?” Ben’s grandma asked. “I’m seventeen. I’ll be eighteen in about two months.” he replied. “Oh my! The older these children get, the older I feel. Oh, uh, Ashley, could you pass me the butter?” I handed it to her. Then she looked at me strangely. “You remind me of someone.” she replied.“I have one of those faces.” I remarked, with a giggle. “No, I’m serious. Ben, doesn’t she remind you of your old friend down at the manor?”“The manor? You mean Colette? I don’t think so.” Ben said. I stared at him. I had never heard of a “Colette” before. I deathly wanted to ask him right then and there about Colette but feared an interrogation from his parents. I found that whenever I asked Ben anything about his family, they treated me as some Russian spy. “Ashley, I’ve been meaning to ask you, how’s your mother doing?” Diane asked. “Better but still very sore. How’d you find out about my mother?” I asked. I hadn’t even told Ben about her. He flashed me an interested look.
“Your mother, she called me this afternoon. Told me that she got in a fight with her boyfriend and they had a car crash.” Diane prodded. Something didn’t feel right, but yet, I sat there and just listened to her. Ben looked at me strangely across the table. I looked away in shame. I hadn’t even told my own fiancée that my mother had gotten hurt, yet his own mother knew before him.
I was a wreck after that lunch with The Harrington’s. I couldn’t wait to just go home, curl up in my bed and cry. Ben asked me to join him for a second by the stairs, away from everyone else. “So how is your mother doing?” he asked, sarcastically. “Don’t be a jerk, Ben. I was ashamed. It’s really no ones business anyway.” Ben sighed annoyed and impatiently, “Not...even,” he hesitated these few words and murmured them, almost inaudibly, “Not even your finance’??” he asked, angrily. I stared into his eyes and squinted. “Ya know, I never noticed before how much you act like your father...” I declared in a huff. I stomped away and slammed the door behind me.
I hated being angry at Ben, I really did. Its just that sometimes he makes a complete jerk out of himself. I quietly went back home and snuck through the window by my room. Just when I had found myself almost all the way through, my mother walks in with a fresh pile of laundry to put away. I froze. Had she even noticed me hanging halfway in the window? Why hadn’t she looked at me? I had answered my own questions. She had and was ignoring me. “Next time use the front door, that is what the builders had intended it for, is it not?” she said, without even looking towards me or anything. A true feeling a heartbreak wrenched in my gut. My own mother, the only other person I had in the world had now lowered herself voluntarily to nothing but another wanderer in this lonely entity, we call life.
Ben called me later that night telling me he was sorry. “I know that as my friend and fiancée’, we should hold no secrets from each other but I just couldn’t with this one. Not only did I not want anyone to know what happened to my mother but I didn’t think she would want anyone to know either.” I told him. “ I understand, listen, I’m heading out on a business trip with my father tomorrow. I’m going to tell him about us. I know its only fair that since you have that I must.” “Thank you, Ben.” I looked across over at my alarm clock next to my bed. Only 12:36? It seemed so much later. After we both hung up, I thought back to what he had said, “I must.” He must? What is that? An obligation?
The next day at school, Mike and I had to pair up for a history assignment on the development of Alaskan Eskimos. Why we had to learn about a culture that is rarely seen about in our small town was beyond me, but it gave me a chance to finally talk to Mike about things that we never resolved. “Could you hand me those scissors, Ash?” he asked me. I gave them to him and said, “Now that we have some time to talk, I’d like to apologize for dumping you and lying about it. I’ve never acted that way before.” I waited for an answer but all he did was ask me for the left over cardboard. “I realize you have every right to be angry with me. You should. I was an idiot to hurt you the way I did.” I continued. Then there was silence. “Mike, its hard enough for me as it is these days. The last thing I need is another enemy.” I was getting exasperated with grief that I wanted to just cry right there. My eyes had already begun to burn and the quiet between Mike and me was making it worse. Then he did something unexpected, he leaned over and hugged me. It was a very warm, friendly hug and that made me just burst in tears. I was a wet mess by the time he let go. He then looked me in the eyes and wiped a tear away, “Oh God, don’t cry.” he said, as his own eyes began to get reddish. We were the teary twosome. I grabbed for him again and we just sobbed. The pair next to us were stricken with confusion. But I didn’t care and I don’t think Mike did either. I was such a relief to have Mike forgive me.
“Ms. Moore? Please come to the front office please.” It was the vice principals voice. What did she want with me though? Oh, I hope my mother did not call and say that I skipped school yesterday. Just the kind of thing she’d do to get me back too. I wiped my soppy eyes on my fleece hoody and flipped the top over my head. I looked like a gang banger or something, which was good in some aspects, as it would give me the appearance that I could still kick your butt even though I had been crying my eyes out. Mike looked at me from his seat as I left through the door. I trudged my way through the broken mass of nerds heading to Calculus and past the newspaper geeks. On my way, I saw Mandy run into the girls bathroom. The principal could wait, my friend needed me. It was so scary to think that the tiny girl who I had befriended such a long time ago was pregnant and was going to have a baby. A baby! Go figure. Everyone thought I’d end up pregnant first. Haha, oh well. I knocked quietly on the bathroom door and heard Mandy mumble, “Busy!” in between pukes. I walked in and slowly approached her, “I said, Busy!” she yelled again, turning around.
When she saw me, she laughed and ran to hug me. Was it just me or the soft fleece that made me so cuddly today? “Hey...” I said, “How’s the baby?” I asked, trying to joke. She wiped her mouth sheepishly and started to cry, “I’m scared, Ash...” she said, her arms wrapped around her waist. She backed farther from me and slid down the side of the wall. I walked over and sat down next to her and put my arm around her. What do say to comfort a scared, pregnant 17 year old? Hey, at least you don’t get periods anymore? I am so lame. “I know...but we can get through this. Together.” I reassured her. She swallowed and began to sob again, “I don’t want to go through this. I want it to end.” she whispered. Suddenly, she sprang up and puked again. I got up, plucked a few paper towels from the dispenser, rinsed them with cold water and handed it to her, “What do you mean, you don’t want to go through with this?” I asked. “I can’t do it, Ash...I can’t do this alone...,” she sobbed, dabbing the cloth against her forehead. “Do you know who the father is, maybe he’ll help. Then you won’t be so alone.” I started to say something else but she interrupted me saying, “Dang it, Josh was the father, Ashley! I lied to Ben and you so you wouldn’t blame me!” she shouted. Hold on here. “Why?” I asked.
She sniffled alittle bit more and told me sit down. I did. “Josh and me found out about five weeks ago. He was excited about it but I wasn’t. I told him I was getting an abortion, that he couldn’t stop me from doing it. When he tried to change my mind, I told him I never loved him, that I would get the abortion, whether or not he wanted me to. Well, he got angry and hit me, swearing that I would pay. I hadn’t seen him until the morning it happened. I came over at around 8:00 and told him I had gone through with it. That it was done and over with and that I would have no excuse to ever see him again. After I left, I called him up on my cell phone and said that it was for the best. For the both of us. He never even called me back...,” she responded, then began to wail loudly. So that was it. “Why did you lie to him, Mandy?” I asked, keeping cool, but my eyes began to burn again. “I was so angry that he thought he could change my mind. I wanted revenge but wasn’t sure else how. Oh God, Ash, I killed him. Its been all I could think of since it happened. If I had just...,” she continued, as I hugged her a little and let go. I stood up and looked away from her, ashamed, and said, “You need to tell someone else, Mandy. You need to tell Ben. He’s the one you should apologize to.” And I left it at that. No other time in my life was I happier to go to the principals office than now.
I thought I could keep it together somehow. Thought I could fool myself into thinking that what she had just said was not true. Not only did Josh lie to Ben about his families money trouble but also about this. I thought friends told each other everything. My perception of that, all the glimmery aspects of what was, was now suddenly completely changed. As I approached the vice principals office, I considered just waiting behind the stairway door until the next bell rang to change class. I would sneak out and die somewhere. I didn’t know where, I just would die there. Suddenly, I felt someone brush up against me. It was Ben. “Took you long enough, angel.” he said, walking alongside of me. I wanted him to disappear. I wanted everything I had known up to that point to just become a mirage. He dragged me behind the social studies room and then into the janitors closet. After flipping the switch on, he kissed me. I didn’t feel like kissing. Dying. Dying was good about now. “Whats wrong?” he asked, very seriously. I closed my eyes and one small tear escaped and dropped onto my fleece. He smoothed my cheek out with his hand and looked at me, “Whats wrong?” he asked again, even more seriously. All I could do was try to breathe in and out but the debilitating pressure in my chest made it so hard. “Don’t tell me your pregnant too...” he joked. I didn’t laugh although I probably should have. “Uhh...,” he said, scared, “your not, are you?” he asked, again. I looked up at him and forced a smile, “No. I’m not pregnant. You actually have to have sex first, Ben.” I told him. He sighed and smiled, “Well then, whats the matter?” I looked around at where we were, my senses finally returning to me slowly. “Ben.” I said. He looked at me with anxiousness. “Yeah?” he asked. “Why are we in the janitors closet?” I remarked. “Because the sports equipment room was already occupied.” he told me. I really wish he would stop joking. Doesn’t he know what I’ve just been through? No, how could he. Mandy hasn’t told him yet. I’ve lost it. “Your eyes are bloodshot, baby. You been crying?” he asked me. “No, I’ve been smoking crack...I can’t stop.” I said, with no emotion at all. Wow, this room was really small. Like a cave. A real small cave. Is it getting smaller? Oh God. “Ben, could we please get out of here?” I begged him. He looked at me silently. “Theres something very wrong. I can see it in your eyes. Something about Josh.” Room is getting very tiny. Oh, I can’t breathe. “I need out of here.” I kept saying. “Okay, okay...just tell me. What do you know about Josh?” Why does he keep asking these dumb questions? Let me out, oh please, let me out. “I can’t right now. Maybe later.” Then he grabbed my arms and squeezed them. I began crying. Why won’t he let me go? Oh please, please. “Please Ash, I need to know.” he begged me. Finally, I couldn’t take it. “Let me go!!” I screamed as his grip let loose and I ran out of there like a pent up bull. I didn’t look behind me, I didn’t want to. Why was I acting so strange? I am the worlds most confused PSYCHO. Great.
I found myself 15 minutes later outside school boundaries and on my way to Parker’s Palace. No wait, thats closed off. Oh, who cares, I’m going whether they want me to or not. If anyone questions me, I can just bite their heads off and go mad. Remember, I am a psycho. When I approached the road blocks, I saw no sign of working going on at all, so I just crossed the now paved cement lot and into a path I had taken many times. I had lost my first tooth there while I was still very young. Great, I’m an aging psycho. I remember passing these trees, the landmarks of my childhood, many times before but never looking at them with such anguish and sadness that I did today. Would the builders spare a few of my memories for children heading into the shopping centers to look at? I could only hope. I didn’t want lose my memories of when things were good, when hurt and pain was still yet a myth in my youth. If I lost those, what would be left? I don’t even want to think about it.
As I walked past a small pond by Hunters Haven Trail, I felt a strong breeze blow past me, almost through me. It was a relaxing push against my broken body, like a revitalizing lift of peace. Wow, that was alittle freaky. I had never felt such a wind like that before or have I? Have I been so concerned with my own life that I had lost all sense of the beauty that surrounded me? I think it might have just been because of all the open meadows nearby. There have been alot of trees removed already. That could be it. I looked behind me, then to both of my sides, “What am I doing here?” I asked myself. Sure, it was nice to have something to escape to everytime things got bad but is that what I should be doing my whole life? I’ve made an excuse my entire life of running from what scared me but would that make me any better than my mother, who ran from her own life because it didn’t suit her? Of course, her circumstances were completely different from my own but could this be the answer to everything? Everything I’ve done, everything I will do? Will I leave Ben if one night he makes dinner and I feel threatened by his fantastic cooking skills? It sounds ridiculous, but I am so serious.
“Thats it,” I thought to myself, “No more running.” I walked back towards the returning path from Wintergreen Cove and entered a world of consciousness that I don’t recall feeling before. Of course, I had always been conscious, but fully understanding of who I was, what I was doing and why, was a new ball game for me. And I kinda liked it. The calming sound of birds cooing contentedly now tickled my senses and the crunching of leaves beneath my feet was calming to my mind. I am a thoughtful psycho now. Cool. I wonder what Ben is thinking right now? Probably ways to tell me that I am a crazy, psycho girl that needs help. What was wrong with me anyway? I need to know.
As I walked home, I was relieved to find my mom just leaving. I hid behind the neighbors car hide for a second until she was out of sight and headed over. I punched in our overhead door code and waited for it to open up. As I grabbed for my bike, I heard a crunching of leaves by the side of the house. These crunches sounded freaky. They were slow and careful, like whoever was there had thought beforehand of how to walk. It couldn’t have been my mother, I would have heard the car come by. I knew I had to either arm myself or hide. I grabbed the baseball bat in the right hand corner of my garage and held it tight to my chest. The crunches stopped for a second then picked up pace. “Stop right there!!” I shouted and came out the other side, wielding my heavy thorn of anger. Whoa, quite the interesting choice of words there, huh? Too bad I wasted it on Ben. I dropped the bat and ran over to him, “What are you doing here?” I said, after kissing him. “Gibby Preston said she saw you run out of school. I needed to talk to you. Why did charge after me with a baseball bat?” he asked. I couldn’t help but let out a laugh, “I thought you were a stalker or something. I was protecting myself.” I told him. He took hold of my elbows lightly, “You okay? Are you coming down with something?” He sounded really serious, so I laughed again, “I’m on the brink of becoming a psychopath, yes, but I’ll be okay.” I said with a smile.
He was so good to me sometimes. Too good. I reached up and kissed him again and took hold of his hand. “Your gonna fail History, ya know?” I told him, since that was what he was supposed to be in. “Who needs History, when you can make your own.” he told me. True, so true. Then he turned to me with the most serious expression I had ever seen him give me besides when he thought I was pregnant and said, “In the janitors closet, you wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I want to know now.” I gulped down the fear I had stored away and suddenly all the tragic things Mandy had told me just an hour earlier were all coming back. The lies, the hate, the death. I shook my head and sighed, “I can’t...” I said. “Please Ashley. I know I can’t make you do what you don’t want to, but I know for a fact that you know something about why Josh killed himself.” he said, looking me in the eyes. He knew for a fact? How? Had Mandy said something to tip him off earlier that day? The burning sensation was coming strongly back in my eyes and they hurt badly from the flood of tears they were holding back. My lower lip began to tremble as my mind put together all the words she had said and formed a visionary picture. Josh, so excited and Mandy, so hateful. How could I tell Ben what really happened? The answer was so plainly clear. I couldn’t.