Long, Long Time
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Kokomo by the Beach Boys
First of all, I had no idea it had been so long since I updated! In my defense, a hell of a whole lot has happened in the interim. In an unrelated story, since my iPod is on shuffle, I will be keeping track as the song changes. Swell. Speaking of...
"Deb's Bitches" by Deb and Mark
Erm...no offense Deb, I'm skipping it.
"Not Too Late" by Norah Jones
Now that's more like it. So then, where shall I begin?
I will begin with October of 2005. One Tuesday morning as I was about to hop in the car and drive to Rowan for classes, Mom comes up to me at breakfast and says "Pat White contacted me." I respond "Who?" Well, Pat White is what I can only describe as, for lack of a much worse term, my biological father. Let me clarify now that my Dad is MY DAD and NO ONE could ever even come close to holding a candle to him. But this guy who has not seen me since I was about 5 weeks old, decides to contact my family after 21 years. He claims, among other things, that he had been "searching" for me for "14 years." Horse shit. My Mom typed in her maiden name online and found our current address within 5 minutes.
"Down on the Corner" by CCR
Anyway, I admit that I did have some questions for the guy, such as what nationality is the other half of me? Do I have more half-brothers and half-sisters out there? And, why ditch a perfectly good kid and 21 years later say "Hmm, maybe I should call?" Not that I had issues or anything (sarcasm). Well, I decided I would meet him when I was good and ready, and after Christmas. Because, you see, that summer we found out that my Granddad had cancer AGAIN. This is like the 3rd or 4th time. This time may be it. So I decide I'll meet the guy in a few months, and my Mom tells him that.
"Big Pimpin' (Unplugged)" Jay-Z and the Roots
So he responds with threats and anger, including threatening to show up at our door on Christmas day. My inital response is to ask my parents for his address and punch that fucker in the face. How DARE he threaten my mother. NO ONE threatens my mother. We go to the local cops, who say they can't do anything. But I persisted, insisting that this guy has no right to contact me or my family at all and we got a restraining order keeping him from my parents' house and my mother. But I was angry. I can guarantee that most of you have never seen me this way, but I was furious. So I decide to meet the asshole face to face. We set up a meeting at the Cherry Hill mall in early December.
"Dear Mr. Fantasy" by Traffic
I love this song. Anywho, I meet the bastard, and listen to him lie and get random facts about me wrong. He gave me a gift. It was a wrestling DVD that he had already watched. Apparently it's good. I wouldn't know, it's been on my shelf ever since but I've never watched it. I find that he doesn't have any other kids, just step-kids. He brought his stepdaughter, although this was strictly supposed to be a one on one meeting. His stepdaughter had her toddler with her and they talked about me being "a part of the family" and all that horse shit. I ended up leaving without really getting angry, because as usual, I felt bad. I felt bad. What fucking reason do I have to feel bad? It took me two months of him emailing me after that to finally say "Never contact me again" and block him, and again, I felt bad. How in the hell is it fair that someone who fucked me over so bad can lay a guilt trip on me and it works? Fuck him. Thank God he ditched us because my Mom is amazing and my Dad is the best, and I'd be lost without them. I haven't heard from Mr. White since February of 2006, and I never got any of my questions answered either. It was all about him.
It felt good to get all of that out.
"What's Love Got To Do With It" by Tina Turner
So, as you can see with the last blog, things were looking good. I moved into North Philly with Deb and Meghan, who I was dating at the time. Around my birthday I started second-guessing the relationship with Meghan, which led to it's eventual end that summer. I wondered what would have happened if I asked Rachel out instead of Meghan the previous fall, and that's probably not the best thing to think about when you live with your girlfriend.
After the musical, which was wonderful to be a part of, Dave moved in with us. He's a friend of Deb's who she met in Puerto Rico. Dave was a way cool roommate and it was cool having him around.
I'm pretty sure this was right before or during Dave's appearance, but
"Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction
My Granddad died. It kind of felt like my entire world just collapsed. It's been well over a year and I still can't come to terms with it and I don't think I ever will. I was so messed up after this. I kind of retreated into myself, didn't want to talk about it, etc. Only once did I look for a shoulder to cry on, and that shoulder literally shrugged me off. I did a reading at the funeral and was a pallbearer. My God it was so hard to move that casket knowing that my Granddad was in there. I was so distraught over the whole thing and could not think straight or even maintain the few coherent thoughts I had. I was a total mess. I just couldn't get it together and had no idea what to do.
"Deja Vu" by Peter Gunns & Lord Tariq
So two days after the funeral Meghan and I went out to dinner. Things had been pretty bad with us. We hardly even talked. Not a hostile thing, just ran out of things to talk about. It was actually scary. Six months before that I figured I was done with dating and this was it. Now I felt like I was living with a stranger. In April, I was at my parents' house for three weeks with some mystery illness that didn't let me move without having an asthma attack, which sucked. In that time, Meghan and I probably talked once or twice for all of ten minutes, which is mostly my fault.So we admit we need to talk, and we go out to this dinner. I was going to suggest not living together once the lease was up at the end of August, knowing we'd eventually break up. But I told Meghan to speak her piece first, and she ended up breaking up with me. I was cool with it. The first week or so was great. We actually went back to the way we were before we were together. But then, something just clicked for me and I was just mad. I thought "How could someone I am that close to break up with me two days after my Granddad's funeral?" It bothered me for a long time. I put it behind me. But in that time that it bothered me, I made some horrible decisions.
"Hold Up" by Girl Talk
First of all, there was the first week of July 2006. I drank excessively, and it's actually scary to look back on it. On the 3rd I went to AC with Megan G, Robyn, Kristen, and Nicole. I got so drunk that the next day at work I passed out in an exhibit. A visitor walking by woke me up and I claimed I was taking my break there (it was in the animation exhibit, actually a pretty good cover up). But apparently that wasn't enough because at a party in South Jersey that night I drank a quarter keg and a six pack in an hour and a half. I continued drinking mixed drinks and probably eventually straight liquor for several hours.
"Faith" by George Michael
At some point, barely able to stand, I made my way up the stairs to the bathroom. I got sick, and got scared because blood and black, skin-looking stuff was coming up. I found out the next day after searching online that I probably vomitted part of my stomach lining and damaged my esophagus.Still, I didn't stop. Two days later I came home from work and made a double margarita as a chaser as I drank 1/3 of a bottle of tequila.
"Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica
Amidst this nonsense which is basically alcoholism, I started dating the first girl who showed interest in me. She was the antithesis of everything that I am. Dull, mean, not funny, leaning to the right, and definitely some racism going on there. I did, however, realize that I needed to stop drinking, and I did. Soon after that, I started at Temple, having had left Rowan the previous December.
I started as a Film and Media Arts major at Temple. I did well in my first hands-on film class, but was quite cavalier with attendance (a problem I'm still working on). Finally, after a racist remark and bitchy actions I hadn't dealt with since the 9th grade, I broke up with the rebound girl and resolved to get my act together. If anyone is actually reading this and got this far, I apologize for being Debbie Downer. Good things are about to happen so thanks for caring and reading this far.
Christmas was wonderful, as usual. I had moved into my Granddad's house in August and held my annual Christmas party there. Only Meghan showed up. A little awkward, but very helpful. Any resentment I may have had been holding onto was gone after watching the Muppet Christmas Carol. Love that movie. While I feel bad for how things fizzled out, I'm glad Meghan and I are friends and that's how we should've stayed in the first place. Live and learn, right?
"More Human Than Human" by White Zombie
So after a wonderful Christmas I went on a trip. I met up with Courtney at the Nashville airport and from there we flew out to Phoenix to see Josh. Josh showed us all around Phoenix, brought us to the Grand Canyon, introduced us to his awesome family and cool friends, and we had a blast! We also drove to LA, stuck our feet in the Pacific Ocean, went to the Disney Studios, toured the archives with the head of the archives, and went to Disneyland. It was a fantastic time and I can't wait to do it again.
I can't remember anything spectacular between then and March, when I turned 23. (Except for hanging with Dan, Joe, and Jeff a lot, which was awesome) (oh, and I went to VA and the week before that got electrocuted. it was cool) I kind of freaked out knowing that my Dad was 23 when he met my Mom and my Mom was 22 when they got married. Here I was, single, living alone, and not even able to think of someone I could date, let alone marry lol
"Bad Jokes" by John C. Reilly & Woody Harrelson
So I had a birthday party for me at my Granddad's house. Dan, Joe, Barb, Megan F, and Ryan all showed up. The highlight, however, was that Suz was there. I love that no matter how long Suz and I go without hanging out or chatting that we can pick right up. I really appreciated that she made the effort to come out to NE Philly. Later in the night, Barb, Megan, and I had a long, tearful chat about cancer and losing family and such, which brought us all pretty close.
With summer approaching, it was almost time for Discovery Camp, but before that started, we had a sort of impromptu CP reunion which truly was an amazing time and really changed things for me. Gotta love those CP kids :-)
"I Don't Wanna Grow Up" by Tom Waits
Courtney was coming up to visit with Becca in West Chester. I hadn't seen Courtney since my going away party in Florida, and hadn't seen Becca since December of 2005. I expected that they would come into Philly, we'd hang out for a few hours, get a cheesesteak, and that would be it. But as soon as I saw them in the train station I knew that was not how it was going to go down. We walked forever that day, went to the Franklin Institute and the Art Museum and I showed them my cool little spot behind the Art Museum on the river. We rode the subway and went to Pat's for Courtney's first cheesesteak. She loved it.
"Don't Bring Me Down" by ELO
We had a blast! We hung at my apartment, went to South St. and got rained on, it was fantastic. Oh, and in May I moved to South Philly with coworkers Megan F and Alyssa. More on that later. Basically, we had a wonderful time and I decided to skip out on two days of work to hang out with them in West Chester. We also contacted Jim to see if he could make it.
And, in fact, he did. He showed up at my apartment around 2am, and after looking at photos and reminiscing about our wild parties and crazy antics, we crashed. The next day, we went up to West Chester to meet up with Courtney, Becca, and Becca's friend Abby. We had some fun in a park in WC, and after Abby joined us, met up with some of Becca's friends in New Hope. We hit up a bar that had karaoke, and Courtney and I did so well with "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" that we got free beer and quite the ovation. Becca and Jim also tore it up with their version of "Starlight."
"Learning To Fly" by Pink Floyd
We all had a blast. The next morning, we groggily made our way from Doylestown to a Flea Market, and then hung out at the Burrow residence for awhile. We eventually said our goodbyes with promises of hanging out more often. Becca told me I'm not allowed to fall out of touch this time. I haven't, for the record. It was amazing seeing Courtney, Becca, and Jim after being apart for so long. And it was quite cool meeting Abby as well.
Now, unfortunately, another downer. As I was packing up to move out of my Granddad's house, which broke my heart to leave, my Mom called. My Grandpop had been dealing with melanoma for years, and it was never a big problem. But it had spread, and the doctors gave him a year. I literally collapsed. I laid in the middle of the living room floor just staring at the wall for over an hour.
"Fool in the Rain" by Led Zeppelin
But after that, I stood up and made a promise to myself. I still haven't forgiven myself for not seeing my Granddad in the time between Christmas and his death. It's unexcusable. I resolved to spend as much time with my Grandpop as possible. Over the end of Spring and beginning of Summer, I'd call a lot, just to chat, see what was going on. We talked about what movies we should see when he got up to my parents' house, and how we'd go buffin and he could see the Girard Ave trolleys running again. My favorite phone conversation was when I called him after my Photo exam, letting him know that I got a 100 because I remembered what he taught me when he first gave me his camera. He was so glad he was able to help me and so proud of me for doing well.
Towards the end of Spring, my Grandmom and Grandpop moved into my parents' house from Florida. They would stay there until the addition they were having put on my uncle's house was done. I went over as much as possible to hang out, and things were good. I also flew to Florida with my Uncle Matt and Uncle Warren to pack up a truck with my grandparents' stuff and drive it back.
After that trip, Disco Camp started.
"Doin It" by LL Cool J
Disco Camp, for those who don't know, is short for Discovery Camp, the museum's day camp. It was my first year as a counselor and the last part of my department I hadn't worked in. It was a blast. The staff was great, and the kids were hysterical. In the movie Knocked Up, Paul Rudd's character says to Seth Rogen's character "My kids go apeshit over bubbles. I wished I loved anything as much as they love bubbles." I thought about that all the time because these kids were just so happy. They loved the museum, the counselors, the experiements, everything. I feel like we all fed off of their energy and it improved our work ethic. Some of the kids are there for the entire summer, and I admit that I would give them preferential treatment at times. I felt bad, they spend their entire summer in a classroom environment, often having to do the same projects over and over. So I would occassionally go out of my way to make sure they weren't bored and were still having fun as the summer wore on. I think that Disco Camp is about even with Camp-In as my favorite job in the museum.
"Veronica" by Elvis Costello
On July 6, 2007 at 7am, I was about to go to work when I got a phone call from my Dad. He told me that Grandpop was not doing well at all and I should come home immediately. Luckily, I had borrowed my Mom's car for the week. I freaked out. I paced back and forth from my room to my living room for about 15 minutes wondering what the hell to do. I tried calling Fran to let him know but couldn't get through. I eventually got in the car, and flew over to my parents' house. I have no idea how, but I got there in less than half an hour when it usually takes 45 minutes. All day, all six of my aunts and uncles and my cousins were at the house. It was so awkward and sad and just terrible.
"All These Things That I Have Done" by the Killers
The hospice nurse said that the other nurse may have been wrong, and that everyone could go home. Before going to sleep, I went up to my Grandpop, told him I loved him, and that I would see him tomorrow. After a few hours, I finally managed to fall asleep on the couch. I woke up to my Grandmom's voice. She was on the phone. I knew right then that he had died. She had called my Aunt Cathy and Uncle John's house, and my cousin Joe answered. He knew by the time of night that the call came in what had happened and he was distraught. What woke me up was my Grandmom crying out "oh no, Joe" and crying. It was so surreal and heartbreaking to run into my old room and see my Grandpop there in my old bed, and knowing that he wouldn't wake up. I still can't believe it. I still go to my phone to call him to ask about photography, or tell him about some train or bus story, and then remember that he's not here anymore. It's so hard.
"Your Time Is Gonna Come" by Led Zeppelin
I was a pallbearer again. And again, it was so sad to know what I was carrying. I was a mess at the funeral and I took a week off from work because I just couldn't pull it together. I remember last summer finding solace in the fact that even though my Dad lost his Dad, that my Grandpop would be around to help him through it. But after all my family had been through, there we were again. I still can not believe that my Granddad and my Grandpop aren't here. I always said I didn't know what I'd do if I lost my grandparents, but I never thought it would be this bad.
"Casey Jones" by the Grateful Dead
Again, sorry about all the downers. But thank god for my friends. This year, I knew I couldn't handle it on my own. I turned to them and they were such a great help in their own way. I can't imagine how Barb and Bill must feel, having lost one or both parents recently, and my heart goes out to them. I hope I can help them as much as everyone has helped me.
Although things around the apartment haven't going so well since then, everything else has. Alyssa and I get along great, and it's awesome to know that I have someone to live with. Megan doesn't really speak to us that much, and she's rarely here. I wonder if she'll even stay throughout the duration of the lease. In any case, sometime by April, we're going to need a new third roommate.
In other news, as I mentioned above, I stayed in touch with Becca.
"Rich Girl" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
It's been awesome. I joined Philly Car Share, and my first time with the Prius hybrid, I drove up to West Chester to spend a few hours with B~Styles. A few weeks ago, she came up to visit me. we hung out in town and at my place. Then, I went back down to the Dub-C last weekend for her birthday bash, which was a blast. On an unrelated note, that was a really short song.
"Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang
Funky. So Becca's party was awesome. Got to hang out with Abby again, and I must say, she's awesome. The girl is funny, likes margaritas, has a good taste in music, watches football AND soccer, and is pretty easy on the eyes to cap it all off.
As for other cool things this summer:
-Went to AC with Megan G and Jena
-Took Grandmom to see Wicked
-Went to VA with Uncle Matt and crew
-Went to Busch Gardens and Water Country
-Saw DMB with Jeff, Linda, and other cool VA kids
-Cool VA kids visited Philly
-XPN festival with Dad, Deb, Candy, Jess, A-Train, Nate, Cody, and others
"Point Breeze" by Marah
So if anyone actually read this entire thing, I will cook you a nice pasta dinner. Love you all
-Pat