America
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: America by Simon & Garfunkel

If I am not mistaken, I didn't wait a month before updating here. Somewhere there's bells and whistles. Moving along...

I'm fairly sure I intended to write about other things, but after titling this entry after a song that is quite nice, I will shift focus for a bit. Now I'm not sure how to approach it. Egads. I've only left mainland US three times, I'll count Puerto Rico because it is different enough from most of the standard US states/cities I've been to. Each time, I felt a longing to stay and immerse myself in whatever new culture I was experiencing.

I envied my Uncle Chris' ability to sell his possessions and live in Paris for awhile. I remember walking around the streets of Paris wondering where he lived, what he painted, what he did, and all the time wishing that is what I was doing. I know that I just don't have it in me to do this. I'm fairly sure I could solve a few of my financial woes by parting with some of the things I've amassed, but I remain the packrat, unwilling to let go of some object that had some inkling of meaning to me at some point in time. Therefore I think it's safe to say this won't be something I end up doing.

After Paris we saw Madrid. I loved Madrid. This was seven years ago, and I have since forgotten many of the reasons I was so fond of the city. Nevertheless, I do remember enjoying every moment there, especially just walking around the city with no particular aim or destination. I also thought that Toledo, a nearby city, was the most beautiful place I had ever been. I don't know if it was then, or sometime after, but at one point in time I decided that after graduating college, I would move to Madrid. This, while a lofty goal, seems more likely then the Paris idea. For one, I'm fairly sure Madrid is more affordable. The apartment search hasn't turned up too many hits, as the majority of what I've found through the internet is just tourist-minded weekly rentals, none of which are affordable. The small amount of Spanish I spoke and understood has quickly faded from memory, which is another hinderance. Or maybe it isn't. I could just show up there with my extremely basic Spanish, and pick up as much as possible. I could make it work. It's something I am looking into.

 As for my visit to Puerto Rico, it wasn't all that spectacular, but seeing Deb as much of a part of that culture as one can get without being born into it, made me realize that if I wanted to, I could do the same.

All of these thoughts of living in another country have resurfaced with Abby's current residence in Germany and reluctance to leave. I spent a week there and didn't want to leave. Granted, a lot of that had to do with Abby, a lot of it had to do with something I'll touch on later, but a lot also had to do with the fact that I loved everything about being in another country, experiencing another culture. Being there with Abby gave me another perspective in that I could see her and me living together somewhere in Europe. I would love that. 

Also helping along these thoughts are the stories I hear from/about her cousin Steve. He has lived in several different countries on several different continents, and he has done this mostly on a whim. I admire his ability to make that decision to move somewhere foreign to him and do what it takes to make it there. It's impressive.

Another thing I loved about my visit in Germany was the end of the day. Abby and I would sit in the living room and talk with Steve, Conny, Dale, and Jim. We'd chat about all types of things and hear about all of their travels and experiences. It was wonderful. I'd love to find that with some of my friends. I'd love to talk about politics without a childish argument breaking out. I'd love to be around a group of friends without anyone feeling the need to have alcohol fuel the gathering. I'd love to have intellectual conversations with the same people I can have ridiculous conversations with. I'd also love for Abby and me to find some other couples to hang out with.

This all comes back to how I'm feeling right now, which according to the icon at the top of this entry, is "not sure." I am unsure about so many things right now. I'm very ready to be done with school but cannot picture myself in any type of profession. I think about this, and I worry about this, but lately I've wondered if my lack of a picture has to do with a lack of pictures to base it off of. When you go into medicine, you've been to a doctor, and you can picture yourself there. When you go into education, you've been to school, you can see yourself at the front of the classroom. With a degree in Film and Media Arts, I don't have any clear pictures to go from, or at least no pictures I can put myself in.

I suppose I have reached the point where  graduation is coming and I haven't the faintest idea what I am going to do with my professional life. It would truly be a dream come true to work on set with the Sesame Workshop in New York. Muppets, New York City, and education are all things I could really immerse myself in and devote time to. Yet the more I look into it, the more I realize I can't afford to live in the city and pay back loans at the same time. I don't really know anyone who lives there that I could live with. 

Maybe I'll go into January with the same attitude that got me back to Philadelphia and into Temple. I basically said "I don't care," threw away the plan for graduation from Rowan I had formulated, and just went for it. Granted, I made several bad decisions along the way both financially and otherwise, but it got me to this point, which, despite this current funk I'm in, is a fantastic point in my life.  Maybe that attitude is what I need, though. Maybe I just need to throw everything into getting that job and living in that city. The novelty and the job-enjoyment potential could coast me through a year or two. I can't imagine being far from Abby for that long, but at the same time, I know we could handle it well. There is also the possibility that Abby could end up in New York as well, but there is an equal possibility for any number of places in the world Abby could end up.

I suppose that after the whirlwind of the past few years I was just ready for some stability, but that is, for the most part, out of the cards. As unpredictable as the next 6-8 months will be, I know I still have things I can rely on: My incredible girlfriend and the love we have, my wonderful family and their support, and a few good friends to help me along the way. So, with all of that being said, I hope I get myself out of this "funk" soon, because I'm looking forward to enjoying this last summer as a student. As for you, whomever found the time to read this, I hope all is well with you.

Peace & Love

Pat