Theme: BRONZE/ZETSUAI

Izumi's Letter

Dear Koji,

I really am not quite sure how to start this letter, although my mind is rushing with words that I feel must be said to you. This seems like the only way that I can find my true feelings. I know that unlike you, I haven't had the strength to voice my own opinion at times. Writing them down may help me with the decision that I feel that I must make. Sometimes I think that I am deathly afraid of hearing the sound of my own voice.

I am sitting here, in this small cafe that you like so much, nursing a cup of cafe latte that I don't even like. This place, no this atmosphere, suits you better than me. As I look around, I can see all the young girls glancing at me and whispering in their quiet little voices and giggling. They know that you are usually with me. They wonder why you are not here now. Should I tell them that I sent you away again? Do they really want to know that I may be in love with a bastard?

Last night we had a fight. You can always be so stubborn. Why do you have to behave like a ass sometimes? Every time that I tell you that I am planning on going away for a few days, you always overreact. Why do you always need to be with me? I think that we need some time apart from one another. That's why I suggested that you go back on tour. Your manager was delighted to hear from you again. The promise of another few shows sounded very promising to him. And not to mention the much-needed publicity. Why do you make your fans beg and plead for you like that? I know that you are quite capable of leaving all of that glamour behind for me, and yet you can return it at any time with ease.

I often what you think about when your performing. I watch the videos and see your thin body illuminated by the glaring lights from high over head, making you seem so unreal. Every now and again, when the spotlight catches you just right, I can see you staring at me. Those sky-blue eyes can see right through me. Your quiet voice seeps into my very being, whispering vague thoughts in my ears. If I listen closely enough I can hear my name on every word that you sing. Every breath that you take is murmur of passion. I feel as though I am the only one who can hear these words. There is no one else in the crowded room, except for the two of us. We are utterly alone in a room filled with millions.

When you look at me, I can see a burning hunger in your eyes. It is this hunger that totally consumes you Koji, and makes you what you are. Before, I thought that it might devour your soul, but now I can see that you draw your strength from this unholy power and welcome it's beckoning embrace. I wish that my soul can be as strong as yours. It is this power that you force upon me, and want me to accept.

I can't love you...I don't know the meaning of that word. I am pretty sure that I have never loved anyone, or been loved by anyone in my entire life. That's why you frighten me Koji. When I am with you, I am that frightened child again, fearing that strange look in his mother's eyes. How can I be expected to understand what you are feeling when all I have known in my life is pain? The agony of losing someone never completely goes away, and that lingering desire to be whole again burns deep within my heart. Time doesn't cure it either, because no matter how hard I try to put it in the past, it just won't go away. You've said that you want to take away my pain, but you would never feel the sharpness of that blade and that horrifying rush of crimson flooding over you. Feeling all this with a child's mind was a terrible experience that you would never desire to recall ever again. That is why I don't think that loving you or anyone else could ever fill that hole in my spirit. She has eternally burnt me and left more than a physical scar.

When I found you, you were nothing. Lying in that alleyway, stinking drunk and suffering from a raging fever. For a second I thought that you were just another foul-smelling vagrant, but something made me stop. I couldn't just leave you lying there. It wasn't fate, or karma as you like to so eloquently put it. You love to see things like that. I suppose that is what makes you such a great artist. Having the ability to see things that the masses cannot. Looking back upon the whole mess I believe that it was pity, pure and simple. Empathy for another fellow human being, that's all. It wasn't love or anything like that which made me stay by your bedside that first night while the fever raged inside you. Compassion, that's all. I could have left you there for dead, the putrid rats scurrying over you...to die alone and worthless, but I didn't. Walking away could have been a option then, but when I looked at you, I felt...something.

When you first opened your eyes and you looked my way what was that feeling that overcame me? For an instant time stopped and our hearts met, but it was nothing more than a momentary lapse of reason, gone before we even knew it. If something was ever there, neither of us would ever completely completely welcome it into our empty lives. That feeling came and went like a summer's breeze. Maybe we could have been friends and left it at that Koji, but something inside of you made you want more from me. More than what I was willing to give. Was that eager gnawing in your soul too much for you to bear then? I am not capable of giving a part of myself away like that. The last person who I had ever cared about shattered me, leaving the shell of a man that you see today. My defenses are stronger than even you could imagine. Even my sister will tell you that I am heartless and cold. I keep people away from me deliberately, to avoid any more misery. I am truly afraid of what would happen if I let someone like you get in.

As I look out the window, I can see that it has started to rain. The droplets of rain on the window have a truly calming effect. Is it raining where you are? A stray memory passes though my mind, making me recall one of the few happier times in my life. It was on a night like this. I can remember us sitting together, alone in the dimly lit room. Even though it was summertime, we had a blazing fire roaring in the fireplace. We just had run in from a pouring rain, much like this one, soaked and chilled to the bone. Removing most of our damp clothes, we hung them on the mantle to dry. Sitting there with you, my mind lost all cares for the world outside. Nothing mattered to me anymore. We talked about idle things like the weather and your next big show until the hour grew late. Finally, fatigue began to overtake me. I rested my head against a velvet chair as you left to get more wood for the fire. I must have fallen asleep for a few minutes because I didn't hear you reenter the room. A soft touch behind me made me jump. I opened my eyes to find you sitting close to me. You whispered in my ear that you loved me, and gently kissed me. I did not protest for some strange reason. A sudden rush ran through me, sending cold shivers through my body. Sitting behind me, you massaged my aching shoulders. Every ounce of tension that I felt before was slowly melting away. I could feel the excitement mounting in your body as you continued to caress me. Your skin felt warm and soothing next to mine. I can remember seeing the light from the fire reflecting in your bright eyes as your soft lips brushed mine. So soft and silky. Not wanting to but instinctively reaching out, I wrapped my arms around your slim waist. As I rested my head against your chest, I heard your heart beating, so strong and fast. The scent from your cologne was intoxicating. You held me tightly in your arms and told me that no matter what I ever said or did that you would never let me go. I had finally found someone to comfort my weary body and soul. We sat like that for an hour or so just happy to be with one another. I remembered wondering if this was the same man who I despised for messing up my life. Where did all of my rational thoughts go? I was so splendidly calm for once in my otherwise miserable life. The unearthly silence in the room terrified me though. I think that I can recall the sound of a clock ticking. It was if we were the only two people in the world. Eventually, we eased ourselves down onto the thick carpet and gave in to our urges. I laid down on the floor and ran my hands through your silky hair as you continued your endless barrage of delicate kisses and gentle caresses. The heat from the fire warmed my cold skin, and sent a jolt through me as your body rested on top of mine. I reached around you and drew you near me. Our lips touched again, ever so slightly. I was completely yours at that moment. There in front of that hearth, we made love. I never dreamed that it would be like this with a man. How I wanted that feeling to go on forever. It was then that I lost myself to you. There was something there that I had been missing before, something that I desperately needed to find, but couldn't do it on my own. Somehow alone in that room, while the rain poured outside, you found it. For the first time in my life I felt that I was completely whole. Later that night, lying in your bed with you I cried as you slept soundly at my side. It was the first time that I've cried since...I thought for sure that my tears were that of sadness, of bitter loathing for you filled with nothing but contempt, but they weren't. I could now understand what you had sought after for so long. Why had I been so blind to this before? For a moment I thought that it might be love. After sitting there watching the rain pour down on the window pane, I knew that it must be just another hopeless dream. Everything that I had just experienced was going to go away when the first light came in that window. Time to wake up to reality. I couldn't love you like that ever again. It wasn't right. There were too many others in our lives to consider.

The next morning, I woke before you and turned on the television as I got ready for my morning jog. That annoying music channel was doing a story on you. Most times I just skipped annoying tabloid shows like this, but something made me sit and watch. I chuckled to myself when the announcer spoke of your possible 'secret engagement to a movie star'. It always fascinated me to see how shows like this could distort facts. I jumped up from the bed and was preparing to turn off the television when I heard the announcer mention MY name. Sitting back down I watched in horror as they continued to berate me. What horrible things they were saying about my family as well. I couldn't believe it when I saw the pictures of Serika and my younger brother on the show! They were disgracing my family, and ruining my career with their baseless babble. This was too much. It was then that I made the decision to leave you. I left before you even woke up. I didn't want to see that look on your face, begging me to stay just one more minute with you. I hate that pitiful look. Being with you was the wrong thing to do. I was living my life for myself and there wasn't room there for anyone else. There were so many things that I wanted to do and see, and so little time to do them in. I honestly didn't think that could ever be together. You Koji, have always complicated things like that. I didn't want you interfering with my life anymore. It was the last straw. You had already ruined my soccer career as well as scandalizing my sister's and younger brother. Even though you would gladly give up all that glamour for me, it would never stop. The fans love you Koji, they want to see you and want to know what you are doing every minute of the day. No matter how hard we tried we could never protect the innocent. Not even for a hopeless love like this. It just wasn't worth it anymore. How could we ever be together with all of this?

I quietly shut the door of the cabin and stepped outside into the pouring rain. I noticed your motorcycle parked in the driveway and felt a twinge of pain when I remembered how I felt when I heard you were in that accident. That bitter feeling of anguish suddenly returned. That was all going to be behind me now. This day was going to be mine alone. No Koji Nanjo following me like a lost little puppy ever again.

Ah, but it wasn't at all that simple. Things are never simple where you are concerned. After a few days of trying to get away from you, our paths met again. Fate? Don't speak to me of fate. No matter what I do to you, no matter what I say to you, you still come back to me. Haven't I pushed you away enough for you to give up?

I like to believe that my life would be completely different if I hadn't ever met you. At least that's what I hope. It's just that there are times when I hate you so much that I could kill you. I guess that I have many more scars that even I don't know about. Every time that we are together, you find someway to rip open another, causing me nothing but torment. Do you take pleasure in this?

I really must thank you though. You saved my life at one time. THAT memory is still all to clear. It was after one of my soccer meets. The match had been a hard one, but our team rough it out and won in the end. Several of my team mates commented on how unusually cruel the other players were. Putting that down to competitiveness we let it go. Most of the team has showered and left the locker area in a hurry. I almost thought that they were scared of something. Taking my time to gather all of my equipment I was left alone in the locker area. It was deathly quiet in there. I had just packed all of my bags and was heading out the door when the captain of the team and four of his huge players entered the locker room. I stepped aside to let them pass, but they blocked the door. "Um, excuse me." I said, tying not to sound afraid.

The leader stepped forward and approached me. I could feel his sickening breath in my face. "Well lookyat what we have here boys. It's that show-off Izumi kid. You think you're hot stuff dont'cha boy?"

I shouldered my backpack and took a step away from the foul-smelling brute. I could tell where this was going. "Listen, I am running late and I don't want any trouble so if you'll just let me pass..."

"Late? For what a date?" A smirk played across the leaders lips. "Yep it's a date boys!" The echoing laughter of his comades behind him was very unnerving. "We've heard stories about you boy. You ain't all there upstairs if ya know what I mean. And that's not all....you gotta a date right?" Once again laughter from the others. "I'll bet that it's not with a woman now is it? " The other players were beginning to get riled up. "No sirreee this boy likes his men now doesn't he? Yep he's a fucking queer!"

"We don't like to play against any queers, let alone lose to them. I think that we're gonna have to teach him a lesson." shouted one of the players.

I dropped my pack and ran toward the other exit. I had nearly made it when the door before me suddenly flew open and another two men hurried inside. One of them caught me by the shoulders and shoved me against the locker. My body made a painful frightening thud as it was slammed against the hard metal. It temporarily dazed me for a moment and I couldn't move. Seizing this opportunity while I was still dazed, the leader sucker punched me several times in the stomach, causing me to loose my breath. Gasping for air, I struggled against their restraint, but I could not get loose. They held me tightly as they took turns delivering aching punches to every part of my body. My vision was becoming cloudy and blurred as I struggled to see clearly through the blood now trickling down my face.

Time seemed to slow down. The next few minutes felt like hours to me. They continued to beat and pummel me without mercy. I could hear their cruel mocking laughter as they continued their onslaught. Then in the alcove of the locker room where the entrance was, a door was suddenly opened. I looked up in fear to see what hapless soul might just happen in on this. Blinking away the blood, I couldn't get a good look at the person. Now that they had ceased the punishment for a moment, the true pain was beginning to set in. The room began to swim as the stranger entered. I could hear the leader shout at the stranger and tell him to leave, but he didn't. One of the lackeys who was helping holding me down ran to assault the stranger, and the last thing that I saw before I passed out was the stranger reaching for something.

"Izumi....Izumi?" I heard someone calling my name. Struggling, I forced my swollen eyes to open. I was laying on the locker room floor. I tried in vain to sit up, but my aching body wouldn't cooperate. Lying still, I listened for that voice again. "Izumi, please answer me.....open your eyes." Slowly I opened them and into the eyes of my savior, it was you Koji.

My heart nearly stopped when I saw you. Always dressed impeccably only now your silk shirt had blood stains on it and there was a flush of color on your cheeks. Looking around, I viewed the unconscious bodies of rival team who had just brutally beaten me only a few moments earlier. More than one of them had limbs that were twisted the wrong way, clearly broken. I spied a now broken baseball bat lying next to me, where it had been dropped. I tried to find the right words, but my mind didn't want to comprehend all this yet. "Koji....what? How did you get here...did you?"

You didn't answer. Looking straight into my eyes with immense pity, you grabbed by injured body and held it close to yours. I'm not quite sure why, but I started to cry. I felt like a helpless child again. I wanted to scream at you for being so stupid for doing something like that, and yet they could of surely ended my soccer career in a heartbeat if it wasn't for you.

In the weeks following my recovery my mind was plagued with nightmares of that day. I would always wake up screaming in pain and desire to be back in your arms again where I was safe from that hateful world outside.

The waitress brings me another cup of cafe latte without a word. I am still very unsure of the reason why I came here. I glance over at the empty chair where you usually sit, complaining of the horrid music that they always play here or the bad cafe latte. I would smile and laugh at you. Those times seemed to be the best. No one around to bother us. It is a pity that they have been far and few in between. I guess that things will never be perfect for us. Every time that I ultimately find myself wanting or needing you, you are always there for me. But I find that I cannot let myself be taken in by you. If I grow accustom to your love I might never be myself again. I can completely loose my own thought whenever I am with you. I try not to let it show, this weakness of mine. I fear that someday you, as all the others have done will be gone and I will be utterly shattered again. I will not let that happen.

Once again I must say that I do not know why I wrote this letter to you. Maybe it was more of a confessional to myself, and I just needed to sort a few things out in my mind. I just want you to know Koji that in a strange way I do love you. Please don't ask me for reasons, for I fear that I cannot explain myself to you. In one breath I could kill you for just being you, and in the next I would softly whisper that I love you. You have taken that miserable life of mine and gave me something to believe in. For that I thank you Koji.

IZUMI

Izumi neatly folded up the letter and shoved it into the envelope as the skinny waitress took his empty cup away. It was beginning to get dark outside and he could see the lightning brightening the black sky outside. Each bolt cracked loudly, sending shivers up Izumi's spine. He sat at the table in the now empty coffee shop and stared at the letter in his shaking hand. He didn't know if would give it to Koji. There was just so much...truth in this letter.

Sighing to himself, he put the letter in his pocket and threw some money on the table. Glancing out the door into the rainstorm, he cursed himself for not bringing a thicker jacket. Izumi pulled his jacket tighter around him and buttoned it. He opened the door, letting in the rain and cold and hurried outside. The storm was now at it's peak. He was utterly drenched from head to foot in a matter of seconds. Turning the corner lost in his own thoughts, Izumi nearly ran into a flashy red sports car. He knew immediately whose it was... it was Koji. He wasn't sure to be angry or thankful.

The door opened up and Koji stepped outside into the rain. He stared at Izumi for a second and then unlocked the passenger side door. "Need a ride?" he asked in a slightly amused manner.

"Yeah, thanks" Izumi and Koji both got into the car as the rain continued to pour outside. Koji started the heater for Izumi who was now shivering from the cold and drove away. "Koji, I thought that you were going back on tour again?" Izumi asked.

"I was." Koji stopped and thought for a moment. "I decided to come back early. There was something that I forgot to take care of before I left." He continuted driving down the street, avoiding Izumi's gaze. There was a eerie silence in the car, only broken by the slosh of the puddles underneath the tires. Koji fidigeted with the heater. "By the way... I thought that you hated cafe latte." he asked.

Izumi laughed. "Yeah so did I. Rather nasty taste if you ask me.....but there is just something about it that you crave once and a while. "

Koji smiled to himself as they stopped at an intersection. The rain was still pounding away outside. "By the way where would you like me to drop you off tonight?"

Gazing off into the rain, Izumi thought about his cold empty apartment. He imagined lying awake in his bed, alone, watching the water pool up on the window pane. He turned to face Koji. "How about your place?" he asked in a low voice. Koji smiled warmly and leaned over and kissed Izumi lightly on the cheek. Together, they drove off into the raging storm.

Lying in a pool of water near the entrance of the coffee shop was a small envelope. It was soaked and ripped and the ink ran down the page. A truck drove by and splashed water into the puddle overflowing it and sending the letter down into the storm drain. On the envelope was written the name Koji.