Koji's Letter by LADY SETSUNA 5/03/98 Even though it is not really sexually explicit, I have self-rated what follows PG-13. This is a fictional letter written by Koji Nanjo to his lover Izumi... This fan fiction was inspired by P-chan, (Dave Brock) my fiancee who has shown me that there is a love that cannot be defined or put into words, a truly hopeless love. _________________________________________________________________ Dear Izumi, It is 3:00 a.m. You are sleeping next to me, sighing quietly in your slumber. Every quiet sound that I hear echoes loudly in the darkness of the night. If I listen closely enough, I can hear your heart beat ever so softly in your chest. It is both heaven and hell to be here next to you. Your scent covers my body like a death shroud, surrounding me in immortal obscurity. I want to cover myself completely in that smell, and drown in your passionless embrace. It was only a few hours ago that we made love. Afterward, I held you in my arms until you drifted off to sleep. The eternal child sleeping tightly, never fearing the night. Blessed darkness is not so forgiving for me. Rest will never come to this wretched body. Suffering silently I lie here awake, reflecting about our lives together. We force ourselves to live with the pain for a few small moments of pleasure. Occasionally you give yourself over to me, completely and without care, only to reject my attentions toward you. Even though I keep repeating my endless love for you, you refuse to acknowledge your love for me. I need to know where this bizarre sentiment comes from... Of all my memories, the most prominent is our first night together. You were more than a little apprehensive. Love is never a simple thing for us. I stroked your face and told you that I loved you. These words have been deeply etched into my mind. You didn't reply to my whispering voice, you never do. I didn't really expect an answer anyway. Just your being here in this room is enough for me. I could see in the dim light that you were crying. Those tears were the bitter ones that I hardly ever saw. I asked you why you were crying, and once again you didn't reply. Somewhere off in the distance I could hear the ticking of the clock, making the silence between us seem all the more unending. You were always the distant one, staying just out of my reach. Why is it that I cannot find the place where you are? I unbuttoned your soft shirt ever so slowly and kissed your smooth chest. Not moving, you just stared glassy-eyed into the fireplace. The taste of your bronzed flesh was intoxicating. Running my hands up and down your body, I tightly embraced you from behind. I could feel you shiver. Was that excitement or repulsion? Leaning forward, I heard you inhale deeply as I kissed your neck and proceeded down your back. Every kiss lasted longer than the last, bring you to the point of madness. Even the slightest touch of my fingers made you yearn for more. With great daring and trembling hands I casually unbuttoned your pants. Gently I kissed my way down your soft skin. I could taste your fear. It excited me and made me want you even more. My body was experiencing such pleasures that it had never attained with any woman before and it was begging for release. You finally gave in, letting your passion take over. To my surprise you reached down and kissed my lips with yours. I could taste the coppery flavor of blood on those silk lips. In the dim light I saw the mark where you had bitten into your lip, trying to contain your pleasure. Not quite knowing what overcame me, I bent forward and licked the blood away. The scent of your blood maddened me, making me feel lightheaded. I could feel you reaching for me. The room whirled about as we fell down onto the thick carpet, arms encircling each other. Our bodies were completely entwined now. There in that obscure reality, we made love. Tenderly and passionately we were finally one. After months and months of trying to prove myself to you, you ultimately accepted me. It seemed like the night went on for ages. Even then you never spoke a word to me. The wall between us remained. Why can't I get through that barrier that you have formed around yourself? Even now months later, when you come to me with a strange look of sorrow in your eyes, I desperately desire to comfort you. I want to protect you from the horrid world outside, and shelter you from the coming storm. But I have been told, one cannot help the helpless. I have the heard the hateful words that they say to you, I have seen the leers and gestures that they give you as we walk down the street together. It means nothing to me, being a celebrity, you get used to this kind of criticism but you Izumi, take every hurtful word to heart. You act as though they don't bother you, but I feel your anguish. I am sharply aware of the fact that I am the cause of all of your pain. None of this would have happened if I hadn't met you. Time cannot be reversed. Things cannot be undone and we cannot go back now...Fate can be a vicious bitch when she wants to be. Deep down inside of me, I am aware that my life consists of nothing of substance. My body is merely an empty shell that shelters a suffering soul. A soul that is wrenched in agony ever time that I am near you. Yearning for that one brief touch to casual glance from you to keep me going. I walk alone upon the empty streets of life, searching relentlessly for that one special person who will release me from this agony. I used to think that this person never existed, until now, that is. You have shown me the true meaning of belief, Izumi. Even though I grow weary from trying to force my feelings on you, I can't make you see things my way. Endlessly I try to break down that invisible hindrance that is always there, until my fists are numb and bloody from the endless battering. My head aches and my body is in distress. I can use this anger inside of me to keep me going, but at times it slowly festers inside of me. Seething and growing more and more cancerous every day. I fear that one day it will totally consume me. This is the reason why I am often driven mad by my own thoughts. Bitter tears sting my eyes, making it nearly impossible to see you clearly now. I am no stranger to these tears of torment. How can I make you love me as I love you? Perhaps it is just a lucid dream, you're being with me, or just a painful hope that lies inside of me. These are the questions for which I must find answers for. My days are filled with time consuming tasks that keep me away from you. I walk though the day like a mindless zombie, thinking of our next meeting. Most of my nights are cold and lonely as I lie awake at night, wishing for you to come to me. Those nights are the worst, not being able to feel you sweet breath against the back of my neck, or feel the warmth of your arms around me. I have discovered that you are more than a simple pleasure for me, you are my endless addiction. To be without you, I would surely die. Are my dreams of being with you real, or just hopeless fantasies? The true pain is in not knowing. Is that really you lying next to me, or just another one of my ceaseless shadows? Timidly I reach out my hand to caress you, but draw back suddenly, fearing that I might destroy the illusion, leaving me empty again. I would rather live with the phantasm than to have that emptiness return again. We surround ourselves with people that we call friends. Is it for their sakes or our own that we do this? Every one around me cares nothing for me. I wish that I couldn't care as well. Emotion in any form can be viewed as a weakness in the eyes of the hungry. Perhaps that icy coldness that surrounds you will surround me too, and then like you, I can pretend to be what I am not. Often I sit and wonder about my sanity. Am I going mad?!? Are these possessive thoughts just demented ramblings of an insane madman? Honestly I believe that they are. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. These feelings are new to me, and I find that I cannot cope with them. My obsession with you is bordering on madness, and I fear that I am losing my meager touch with reality. Every time that we part, my heart is shattered. It doesn't matter if you leave me for a few minutes or a few hours. You take my heart with you every time you go. I always wonder where you are, and what you are doing every minute of the day. I am no saint Izumi. I have done many, many things that I am ashamed of in my life. One in particular stands out in my memory. Can you remember that day? It was the day that I positively wanted to die, and almost did. In my endless pursuit of you, I had done something horrible that deeply hurt you. Screaming at me, you forced me to leave. It was hours before the big concert in Tokyo. The show had been sold out for months prior, and the fans were lining the streets hours before hand to get a good seat. It was this kind of madness that I use to crave. The yelling crowd, the bright lights and he fame were all that I had wanted for a short time. When I arrived at the stadium, I tried and tried to call you. My mind was on the brink of madness. I desperately needed to tell you that I was sorry. I couldn't just leave things the way that they were that night. I can remember that every ring of the phone seemed endless. I breathed a sigh of relief when you finally picked up. I begged for your forgiveness over and over but every time you hung up on me and told that you never wanted to see me again. I can still hear the harsh click of the phone as you slammed it down in the receiver. It shattered the the few remaining strands of sanity that I had left. Mindless, I continued to call you. My fingers were numb from dialing the phone so many times. After a while, I set the phone down on the table and just stared at it in dull senselessness. People swarmed into my dressing room, getting me ready for the show. Clothes, hair, make-up, all had to be perfect for the star. I sat there letting them do what they wanted to, ignoring them all. Mentally I was someplace far from here, and I didn't want to come back ever again. The only person who noticed my distress was Shibuya. Going over my set list, he asked me several questions, which I did not answer. He called to me several times, without getting a reply before telling the manager that I was sick and shouldn't go on. Glassy eyed I watched them argue. I didn't care anymore. But a house full of fans couldn't be disappointed because a spoiled brat rock star had a simple spat with his lover. They continued to bicker back and forth for some time. Summoning a bit of courage, I told everyone to leave me for a few minutes. Shibuya protested, but I assured him that I was fine. When they all left, I locked the door behind them. The click of the lock sounded so final. Wandering around the room I soon found myself in the bathroom. I turned on the harsh white light and was startled by my own reflection. Gazing into the mirror, I glimpsed the image of a man who is nothing. Just empty realities and perpetual twisted fantasies. I had pushed away the very one thing in life that I had ever wanted. Listening to the growing yell of the crowd I longed for an escape from everything. Wanting it all to stop, I knew at once what I had to do if I was ever going to be sane again. Sitting there, on the edge of the sink was my savior. A straight razor. It gleamed brightly in the fluorescent light, almost beckoning me. Again I thought of you Izumi and how this one simple action that I was about to do could free the both of us from one another. It could literally sever the tie between us. Slowly titling my wrist forward, I watched in wonder and awe as I slid the cool steel across it, releasing my thin blood into a thickening pool in the sink. The trail trickling into the sink was astonishing. Switching shaking hands I sliced open the opposite wrist just as quickly. With every drop, I became more and more assured that this was the only way to lessen the burden. The once white tile on the sink was now stained a deep crimson as my life blood ran freely into the basin. The room began to tilt and spin, causing me to fall clumsily backward onto the cold marble floor. The blood continued to flow, soaking and covering everything in sight. Puddles of it began to form at my sides, spreading over my clothes. I thought that I could hear voices outside the room calling for me. They were demanding me to open to door. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. The last of my strength was slipping away. Smiling faintly, I laughed at them. We are all fools to the end. Fatigue began to overcome me. My body slouched down lower to the floor. All I had ever wanted in life was you Izumi, and now with you gone, I welcomed death. Finally I could sleep in peace. I'm not quite sure how long that I sat there for, fading in and out of consciousness, but it seemed like an eternity. Death wasn't quick enough for me. Perhaps I was meant for a long, agonzizing demise for hurting you. Shibuya and the others eventually kicked the door in an found me there, at the point to death. I can clearly remember the look on their face when they discovered me. It didn't seem like he was shocked, just annoyed with me. Barking commands to the others, he made them leave the room immediately for fear of starting a scandal which would hurt my career or his meal ticket. He wrapped my wrists in towels and went for help. Slipping in and out of consiouness I can't remember what happened after that. I do know that Shibuya and the others had to smuggle me from the arena. The fans were still calling for me from outside. Somehow in all the madness I made it to the hosiptal. A few pints of blood and some stitches later, we were driving home in silence. Shibuya had taken care of all the legal stuff at the hospital. He had assured them that I was quite fine and could be released into his care. None of then fans would ever find out about it. He had gotten quite good at covering up all my ill-fated exploits. I suppose that I owe him a lot but then again I don't care what others think about me. It was raining quite hard as we drove toward my apartment. A unnatural stillness filled the car. We had nothing to say to each other. He undoubtedly knew why I had tried to kill myself, and did not seem overly concerned. He also knew better than to lecture me, for I wouldn't listen to him. Any matter that concerned Izumi and I was none of his business. Knowing this, he had long ceased all of his mundane sermons. Dropping me off at my house, he coldly reminded me of the money that we had lost because of my 'stunt'. Not that it mattered anyway, we were well off. Mumbling something about being irresonsible more to himself rather than me, he drove off. I stood there on the curb for some time, watching as he drove off in a hurry. The icy rain felt good on my feverish skin. Staggering to the walkway, I looked in dread at the apartment. Dark and lonley as ever. Standing at the door, I fumbled for the keys. My numb fingers would not obey my commands because of the anesthectic. I tried the door anyway and found that I had left it unlocked. Thankfully, I tossed the door open and stepped inside. My home was cold and dark, just like it's owner. It was never really home anyway, just a place which I stayed from time to time. Without even bothering to turn on the lights, I threw myself down onto the couch and cried. But the tears didn't help. Eventually, I drifted off into a exhausted sleep. I wanted to dream of being with you, of having you stroke my hair and tell me that everything was going to be all right. But only gruesome nightmares filled with blood soaked visions would come to me. When I awoke, I remained there on the couch, listening to the pouring rain. It had a calming effect on my raging soul. I opened my eyes in the faint light and found you there, sitting in the chair across from me. A dream perhaps? I reached out for you and to my surprise, you came to me. Putting your arms around me, you let me rest my head against your chest. You still smelled like her. I broke down and cried again. Shibuya had told you what had happened and you rushed to be here with me. You were here when I got home, but in my daze I failed to notice you. I really didn't care why you were here, just as long as you were with me. You held me close and eventually I fell asleep again. I no longer wanted to end my life. For that brief moment, I was content. Even though months had passed since that incident it seems like it happened an eternity ago. Now I know that even death couldn't make me stop loving you. I believe that if I would die, whatever god really existed would damn me to eternal wretchedness for causing you so much grief. Izumi, how can we continue like this? Loving one minute then hating the next? Even as I watch you now sleeping so peacefully, I know that in a few hours, when you wake, you will get up and get dressed without even a glance in my direction. You will go about your business and leave here quietly without even saying a word to me. Like a thief in the night, you will slip away from my grasp and fade into the crowd as so many others have done. What would I give to have that power...the power to make others not notice me. Most of my adult life has been lived as a celebrity, a immortal symbol of the music world, whose music shall echo on even well after his life has ended. The fans scream for me every night, yelling and calling to me on the stage. Women adore me. I could have any one that I wanted. I desire you Izumi, more that anything else in this wretched world, I want you!! I have never felt desire for a man before our first night together. I've always gotten everything in the world that I have ever wanted, money was no matter for me. For a time, I wanted everything wealth, power, fame, and I always got it. After a while though, everything seemed to turn a light shade of grey. I had finally attained whatever I had ever wanted and I found out that there was still something missing. That's when you found me in that alley. I thought that if I drowned my sorrows in women and wine that I would be fulfilled. But all that it got me was sickness. When I awoke next you that morning, I knew what I wanted more than anything. Every time that I see you now, that awkward longing runs through my body, and my mind floods with hunger. Why do you do this to me? The clock chimes 4:00, and I am still awake. Your body rises and falls beneath the blankets with each breath. Soft brown hair frames your face so beautifully as you sleep. My angel...yes, that's what you are. I can be nothing more than a devil to you. I seduce you with my clever charms and you fall from grace, cursing and screaming at me. Time after time, you try to hurt me with bitter words, but in the end, you always return to my side, right where you should be. Why do you return? Why do I persist? What cruel stoke of fate made this be so? You whimper quietly in your sleep. Have my demons been chasing you in your slumber? I lean down and kiss your forehead ever so gently and your stirring ceases. If only I could calm your waking dreams like the nightmares. Someone once called it a 'desperate love'. How right they were. These are the right words for what I feel for you. Can my honest emotions truly be spoken out loud? I feel that speaking them to you would truly would break your heart, although I don't think that I have the strength anymore. You have stolen every thing away from me. Blind to my eternal adoration that I have for you, you go on living your life, spending a few sparse moments with me, without even a care. I can never be as cold as you pretend to be in your life. I still can't sleep. When you're not here, I lie awake thinking about how nice it would be make love to you and then fall asleep next to you. Even so, you are here now, and I find that I cannot sleep. It fascinates me to see you there, my angel. What made you come here tonight? It felt like years since we last touched intimately. Is this your way of letting me know that you love me? To permit me to make love to you, and then not to love in return? Is our bodies entwined in a lover's embrace not pleasurable enough for you? Why do you do this? As I write this to you Izumi, I will admit that I am crying. If they ever could be, they would be tears of blood. The pain and agony that I feel comes from my torn soul. I cannot stand this misery. Once again, my heart begs for release, and my mind replies no... Is real love like this? Has anyone else ever felt this way? It's late Izumi...I am so tired. Emotionally and physically. I am not quite sure why I wrote this letter, but I needed to put my wandering thoughts to rest. My eyes are burning from crying and I am exhausted. I know that you won't understand everything that I have written here, but I just needed to confess some things to you as well as to myself. You have just turned over again in your sleep Izumi. You are very restless tonight. I am the cause of your suffering. I will probably go on making you suffer for eternity. That is my way. But I love you too much to let go now....you are mine forever... KOJI NANJO A whispering voice in the darkness. "Koji, you're still awake?" Startled, Koji quickly snapped back into reality. Looking down at the sheets of paper in his hands he replied "Yes, I was just finishing something up." He neatly folded up the papers and placed them on the night stand. Koji switched off the light near the bed and laid back down, pulling the blankets tightly around him. His body was beginning to feel the coldness. The faint sounds of traffic outside echoed in the room. Closing his eyes, he yearned for sleep to come. Too many bitter memories disturbed him, and kept him awake. He turned over and buried his face in the soft pillow to drown everything out. A few hushed moments passed and then he felt Izumi's strong arm wrap around his chest. Izumi moved his body next to Koji's so that they were just lightly touching. Koji could feel the heat from Izumi though the blankets. A dream would come true, but only for a night. "Goodnight Koji" Izumi said, hardly even a whisper. He leaned over and kissed Koji on the lips. The next morning, the letter was gone from the nightstand.