'Tis late at night. The pressroom is a barren, dark wasteland of scattered paper on the floor, Post-It notes strewn all over Libbie's desk, and the ever-present aroma of burnt, stale coffee seeping into the asbestos laden ceiling tiles.

With small flashlight in hand, and mini-camera in my pocket, I proceed into digging up some dirt on my fellow editorialists. I begin by picking the lock on THE FILE CABINET. That sacred object that houses all the down-and-dirty on my co-workers. I'm not looking for background on them. I'm more interested in the psychological profile done upon our hiring.

Peej: Hard working woman. Seems driven to make it to the next level, but seems destined for middle management. High IQ, but wastes it on playing frivolous games at work. Practical joker. Teases her fellow workers. Paper pusher, but could be more. Might have a foot fetish. Always has a smile on her face. Hair is always impeccably in place. Neat freak?

Libbie: Woman is frozen in time. Underpaid for what she does for the company. Main concern is her antique auto. Has some sort of fascination with clawed marine creatures. Can do amazing things with html. Should be boosted to higher ranks within the association, but discrepancies in her past limit her rise. Rorschach test administered. Saw only ducks and kitedogs. (wth are those?) Spends too much time at coffee urn.

Eagle: Has an amazing resiliency to bounce back from adversity. Stays afloat in this sea of estrogen by doing some sort of Zen snake charming. Incredibly intelligent. Smooth talker. Might be good for sales. Very upbeat and resourceful. Could go places in the company. Jukebox by his desk distracts fellow workers however and his concentration levels are low. Sales seems to be his only option.

Machiabelly: The man is a lush. Always looking for a good time. Annoys women workers with his come-on line "Wanna rub Buddah?" Food particles are a constant in his beard. Tendency to be a loner. Eats by himself in the lunchroom. Spends many a night in a local bar co-habitating with his cyber friends. Everyone loves his sense of humor and wit and seems to be a pressroom favorite despite his bear-like appearance. Deep gravelly voice is not beneficial to telemarketing for subscriptions. Food critic is a possibility. Political stance unknown. Paganist?

Wind Dancer: Charming woman. Wants more out of life than to be a beat writer. Talented verse writer. Makes light out of any dark cloud. Her somewhat bedraggled appearance is a put-off to the "powers that be." Has an adversity to any real work. Pleasant voice...possibility for phone sales. Keeps editors happy with baked goods, but otherwise is not a major commodity within the working cubicles of a newspaper. Readers get in touch with themselves through her poetic ambience, but is no real threat for upper management.

Blabby: Smiling, cheerful matron. Brightens staff moods with her advice. Very much loved by the readers. Seems content working for little pay. Has a fetish for the dead however. Some sort of shrine surrounding her desk to her late husband. Necrophiliac in disguise? Lace doilies litter her cubicle. Not the most organized worker within the company. Major asset to company's stockholders due to her column, but is also no threat to supplant any higher-ups. Too old. Too big a butt. Constantly fumbles with the clasps on her girdle. Worldly knowledge is informative to all around her.

Well dagnabbit! I wanted dirt!! Nothing here is anything I can use for blackmail should those "in the know" decide the Mystery Writer is expendable.

Whoa!! Hold on just a sec! What are these?? Negatives of...well darn, I can't make it out...someone in a compromising position. Who's desk is that? Post-it's all over. Whip in the background, as well as a 9-iron. Some sort of leather mask. Think I'll snap a shot of that...see if I can blow it up in my darkroom. Duct tape??

What in the world goes on in here after hours?

A noise startles me from my fantasy. Checking my Bulova, I realize that time has slipped away from me. With the sun only 45 minutes away, I sneak out the window and rappel down to my waiting MG. Storing my gear in the tiny trunk, double-checking to make sure I've got my camera, I head off in the impending dawn to sleep away the rest of my remaining morning.

After quite the long hiatus...brought upon mainly by the editors cuz they didn't much care for my abrasive style, not to mention my shenanigans in the pressroom...they've decided that readership was down and they couldn't live without me adding to their upbeat journalistic ways. So I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!!

Now...let's talk salary. Benefits. Vacation packages. Is there a 401K in my retirement plan? Do you match what I put in? Will my Betty Ford endowments be paid for by the newspaper, or is that something personal I'll have to tend to myself? You get back to me...have your agent call mine, k?

Now then...next order of business. Time to set the pressroom on its ear. First off, adding decaf to dear Libbie's coffee. Gotta bring that woman down a bit. She's lookin' WAAAAAAAAAY too cute and excitable in that Libprechan outfit. And Peej is lookin' a bit flustered herself. Hmmm...might have to ducttape the two of them together for the remainder of the weekend. Nope, that's out. Then I'LL get a lil too flustered! We can't be havin' that now. We've got a paper to get out!!

Mebbe I ought to go meet the other beat writers of this here piece of writing.

"Machiabelly, nice to meet you. My, my, my you're a bear of a man. So strong. So virile. C'mere...lemme hear that belly rumble."

"Wind Dancer. Poetry, huh? We'll see about that. I got a few of my own I'd like to run by ya, see what ya think. Kinda along the lines of There once was a woman from Nantucket.... Nice to meet ya too."

"Eaglebreeze. How do you do sir? You're one of the masterminds behind this site? Explains a lot then. Just kidding kind sir. Thanks for giving me a job. Thought I had been 'snake-bitten' once again in my attempt to land a writing job."

I think I'm gonna like working here. Odds are pretty good...3 men, 3 women...AND I get to rib the acro players?? Can life get any better?