The expression, "the elephant in the room" describes how there is this subject that everyone in the room knows about, but is afraid to bring it up, out of fear: Fear, of what the reaction will be or fear of not knowing the right thing to say. That is what it is like when we walk in to a room filled with people who know about Olivia. They say nothing and hope that someone else brings it up.

So just what do you say to someone who has had to bury their child, especially an infant? Here is a little of our advice of what and what NOT to do from those of us who have had to bury our children.

1. NEVER, NEVER ignore the subject. It is an unthinkable event that we never expect to have happen to us or to someone very close to us. For you to ignore that it happened is like disregarding that our child was not important enough to discuss. When someone's parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle dies, people do not hesitate to say, "I'm sorry." Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry," to someone who has lost a child?
   
   
   
2. I am sorry is ALL that you have to say. Let us know that you care. We do not expect a mountain of words from you to comfort us, because you cannot. Nothing can take away our pain, but let us know that you care.
   
   
   
3. If you choose to not say anything at this time:
   1. DO NOT walk out of the room when we walk in.
      
   2. Do NOT say" Oh yea, I heard about that," when we mention our daughter's name or that we buried our child. This is a good time to express your sympathy.
   3. If you do have the courage to talk to us, let us know why you stayed away. We will understand.
      
      
      
   4. Allow us the opportunity to talk to you about her. We will never get "over" the loss of Olivia. We will learn to live with her death, as a part of our lives, and as a part of who we are as individuals and as a family. It helps us to talk about her. Ask questions about her hair, her skin, etc. She is a part of our lives, a part of our family.
   
   
   
   
   
   My Wish List
   
   1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
      
      
      
   2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one. I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional out bursts are healing.
      
      
      
   3. I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances.
      
      
      
   4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
      
      
      
   5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.
      
      
      
   6. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
      
      
      
   7. I wish you knew all of the ‘crazy’ grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
      
      
      
   8. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic to us. As with alcoholics, I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’ but forever more be recovering from my bereavement.
      
      
      
   9. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
      
      
      
   10. Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days. And if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.
       
       
       
   11. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it .I have hurt before and I can heal.
       
       
       
   12. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before . My beloved died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self", you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me-maybe you’ll still like me.
   
   
   "My Wish List" was written by a bereaved parent and published in "Grief Counselling & Support Service" a Coronial Services Centre publication. Reproduced here with permission.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Webrings/ Olivia's Home Page/ Olivia's Story/ Olivia's Hands/ A Bit Of Poetry/ Family Photos/ Why Did Olivia Die??/ Olivia A. Bevevino Award/ More Pictures Of Olivia!/ Olivia's Feet/ Awards/ Memorial Garden/