Mike Rether: Welcome fans to these colossal EGWA event!!! The first ever "King of Death Matches" on PPV!!! Tonight, in a murderous tournament, one man will be crowned the "King of Death Matches" for 2000 and get his shot at the most coveted prize in EGWA history, the EGWA World Heavyweight Title!!! Also, we have to bring you up to speed on some recent events. Due to injuries that have built up during his many matches to defend the Crown of Thorns Title, Chaos has had to retire from the EGWA immediately, and we have heard that D.R.H has now crowned the newest member of NC-17, Shockwave the new EGWA Crown of Thorns Champion! All of us here in EGWA hope that Chaos has a speedy recovery and finds it in his heart to return someday to EGWA and maybe even regain the insane Crown of Thorns Title! Also, another dilemma has popped up. Kade has disappeared under mysterious circumstances, and now the EGWA World Heavyweight Title is vacant! So, the only way we know to find a new champion isyou guessed it, A TRIPLE-RING-SKY-HIGH-DEATH MATCH!!!!! Also, tonight we have learned that two mystery opponents will be fighting each other, in a match in which the loser MUST be carried out of here on a stretcher!!! What do you think, Clint?
Clint White: I think there's gonna be plenty of bloodshed tonight! Tonight, at "King of Death Matches", we have some insane stipulations for our "King of Death Matches" tournament and the finalists will brawl it out in our main event, a "Good Year, Good Night, Bad Fall" match INSIDE the Good Year blimp at half-time over the Super Bowl! Also, we have the Triple-Ring-Sky-High-Death Match and Xavier Region vs. D.R.H! D.R.H has promised that if he loses he will forfeit his presidency and retire forever! I can't wait!!!
MR: Okay, let's get down to the first match of the night and in the "King of Death Matches" tournament, it's going to be a "Hardware Store" match between Matt Allen and Vincent Vega! In this match, the two are going to be fighting inside an Ace Hardware Shop in downtown Reading, Pennsylvania, the hometown of EGWA!!! Let's join our competitors via satellite!
*A camera stands inside the Ace Hardware store, where several customers casually buy appliances and tools, as one gray-haired, old man works the counter. Matt Allen stands in the store holding a snow shovel and awaiting his opponent. Through the big glass windows on the front of the building, Matt sees an old Impala driving straight toward the windows! The car crashes through the windows and plows into Matt Allen, sending him flying into a rack of power tools! Out of the car steps Vincent Vega, clutching a sledgehammer in his hands, and he scares all the customers out of the store with the sledgehammer!*
MR: Damn! Vincent started this match the right way! After scattering the spectators, he's heading over to Matt Allen! Matt was almost crushed to death when that big shelf of power tools crashed down on him, now Vega is digging him out ONLY TO BASH HIM IN THE SKULL WITH THAT SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!! DEAR GOD!!!!!! Matt Allen is back on his feet and now he clotheslines Vega and takes the sledgehammer! Now he's hammering Vega, but Vega grabs the sledgehammer and VEGA GOES DOWNSTAIRS!!!!!!! HE JUST SLAMMED THAT 20-POUND SLEDGEHAMMER INTO MATT ALLEN'S GROIN!!!!!
CW: TELL KELSEY SHE CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THE HOPE OF MATT ALLEN JUNIOR!!! Matt collapses to the ground in pain and Vincent is going over to a rack of tools and selects a shovel! Oh no! Matt Allen is back up and Vincent smashes his head with the shovel! Look!!! I see a print of Matt Allen's face on that shovel where it hit!!! Haha!!! Matt Allen is pissed and he lifts up Vega and hits him with a Samoan drop onto the hood of the car he used to crash through the window!!! Vincent kicks Matt Allen up onto the roof of the car, climbs up after him, now Matt has his head between his legs AND A CRADLE PILEDRIVER THROUGH THE SUN ROOF!!!!! HOLY TOMATO OF ANTIOCH!!! IS THERE NO GOD!?!?!?!?!? Vega is getting out of the car and he's got a garden hoe and he's charging at the car BUT THE CAR COMES TO HIM!!!!! MATT JUST CAME OUT OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS AND SLAMMED RIGHT INTO VEGA!!!!! Vega just flew over the hood and landed on the outside sidewalk! Matt Allen stops the car, gets out, and runs over to beat the shit out of Vega!
MR: But Vega grabs a shard of broken glass and cuts Matt Allen across his forehead! Now he'' wrestling Matt Allen to the ground and he just grabbed a big sack of rock salt AND HE'S RUBBING IT IN MATT'S WOUNDS!!!!! HE'S RUBBING ROCK SALT IN MATT ALLEN'S WOUND!!!!!
CW: At least now he won't have to worry about ice and unsafe driving conditions on his forehead! Haha!
MR: That's not funny! Matt kicks Vincent off of him and then goes over to a stack of cinder blocks. Vega gets back up and charges at Allen, who dodges him and sends Vega face-first into a wall of cinder blocks! NOW MATT ALLEN PUSHES THE WALL OF CINDER BLOCKS OVER ON VINCENT!!!! MY GOD!!!!! THIS ISN'T WRESTLING, THIS IS GENOCIDE!!!!!!!! THE SYSTEMATIC DESTRUCTION OF ONE ANOTHER!!!!!!!! VINCENT IS BURIED UNDER CINDER BLOCKS!!!!!!!! Now Matt Allen is going back into the building and he's grabbing a battery-powered belt sander! Vincent has managed to dig himself from the avalanche of blocks, but you can see that he must have internal injuries! Now Matt Allen has that belt sander and he's going to put it to the face of Vincent Vega! No! Vega trips Allen and now HE has the belt sander!!! Oh God!!! He just sanded the back of Matt Allen!!! His back is now raw and bleeding!!! Jesus!
CW: Don't use his name, because I'm sure that NO divine being would ever approve of this match! Vincent is beating Matt with the belt sander, and now he's preparing to sand Matt's face!!! Dear God, no! Matt knocks the sander out of his hands and punches him right in the jaw! Now he picks him up and power slams him onto the concrete! Matt's running back inside the building now, and he's disappeared into the maze of aisles in the Ace Hardware Store! Vincent gets up and runs in after him!
*Vincent runs and looks down the aisles in search of Matt Allen. Suddenly, he hears the sound of some sort of metal pieces dropping to the ground. He follows the sound and steps into another aisle, only to be hit in the face by Matt Allen, picked up, and fallaway slammed onto NAILS!!!*
MR: NO NO NO!!!! END THIS MATCH!!!!!! THIS IS INHUMAN!!!!!! JUST SLAMMED VEGA ONTO SHARP NAILS!!!!!!! LOOK AT VEGA!!!! HE HAS NAILS PIERCING ALL OF HIS BACK!!!!!!! DEAR GOD!!!!! He picks up Vincent, tries to whip him, but Vincent reverses and whips Matt into a shelf full of nuts and bolts, which fall down on him! Matt is stunned, and Vincent grabs a hammer and a few 2-x-4 boards. He puts Matt Allen's ankles in between the boards and hammers Allen's ankles hard!!!! He may have broke Allen's ankles!!! Matt Allen is screaming in pain AND VINCENT SLAMS THAT HAMMER RIGHT INTO MATT ALLEN'S CRANIUM!!!!! HE JUST CRACKED MATT'S SKULL!!!!! WITH THIS KIND OF CHAOS, BOTH THESE MEN SHOULD GET A SHOT AT THE CROWN OF THORNS TITLE!!!!!!! Now Vincent's getting a garden weasel from a display case! Oh no! He wouldn't!
CW: VINCENT VEGA JUST TORE INTO MATT ALLEN'S NUGGETS WITH A GARDEN WEASEL!!!!! SOMEONE END THIS MATCH!!!!!!! Matt Allen grabs a 2-x-4 and breaks it over the head of Vincent Vega! Now he puts a 5-gallon bucket over Vincent's head AND RINGS HIS BELL WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!! Vega is once again out of it, and Matt Allen is running! Why does he run when he's ahead?
*After a few seconds, Vincent regains consciousness and looks around to find his opponent. He starts looking down each hallway, only to find nothing but silence. Then, he hears something revving up, then he hears something revving up again, and finally he hears the loud and unmistakable purr of chainsaw!*
CW: HOLY SHIT!!!!! MATT ALLEN HAS A CHAINSAW!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!
*The "employees only" door to Vincent's left side is torn open by a chain saw which Matt Allen wields! Matt Allen charges at Vincent, but misses! Vega grabs him from behind and wrestles the chainsaw out of his hands and throws it down! Vega then hits Matt Allen with a reverse DDT!*
CW: That was way too close! Vincent could have been made into bite size pieces! Vega grabs a spool of barbed wire and now he's wrapping Matt Allen in it! Matt's all tied up, and Vega is grabbing a wheelbarrow and running off! Where is he going? Matt Allen is still struggling to break free. He's managed to get one of his arms free, but here comes Vincent again WITH A WHEELBARROW FULL OF MANURE!!!!! SWEET JESUS ORTEGA!!!!!! HE JUST DUMPED A HUGE LOAD OF SHIT ON MATT ALLEN!!!!! LITERALLY!!!!!!!
MR: DISGUSTING!!!!!!! Matt has broken free of the barbed wire, and now him and Vega are brawling toward the "employees only" area! They're in the back storage room now! Vega just stabbed Matt with a screwdriver, and Matt counters by smacking him in the head with tool box! The now are going blow for blow in the storage room, and are slowly making their way towards the stairs to the roof of the building! The two are brawling up the stairs, and Matt Allen whips Vincent Vega through the door and onto the roof!!! I don't like the looks of this! They're both getting closer to the edge! Vincent is on the very edge, but he comes back with bulldog on Matt Allen! Matt Allen body slams him and then follows it up with a leg scissor stomp! Vincent overhead belly suplexes Matt closer to the edge, but Matt saves himself with a shoulder tackle and now he's pummeling Vincent! Vincent gouges his eyes and hits a neckbreaker on him! The two are brawling, and both of them are on the edge! OH NO!!! VINCENT JUST THREW MATT ALLEN OFF THE BUILDING AND ONTO A TRUCK!!!!!!!! HE MUST BE DEAD!!!!!!
CW: HAIL MARY, PROTECTOR OF LONG PASS FOOTBALL PLAYS!!!!!!!! BY ALL THE SAINTS IN HEAVEN!!!!!!! GOD HAS CERTAINLY NOT SMILED UPON THE POSSIBILITY OF MATT ALLEN WINNING THIS MATCH!!!!!! WAIT!!!! WHAT'S THAT CRAZY BASTARD VINCENT DOING!?!?!?!?!? AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
*Vincent steps back a little, then charges forth and jumps off in a shooting star press and lands right on Matt Allen and makes the pin!*
MR: 123!!! This one is finally over! Gone is Vincent Vega, the rookie. Nowthere is only Vincent Vega, THE MAN!!!
CW: I've said it before and I'll say it againTHERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!!!
Mike: Fans, that was fun, however, I understand that we're going to be going right into our next match!! The ring has been turned into a swamp-like area!!!
MR: Dear God!!! That was just brutal!!! Well, folks, a controversial match is on the way next, because this match was prebooked several weeks ago for Sport Jones, but since he is on a three-week vacation, another Jones will take his placeHARDCORE JONES! Tonight, the newly announced Crown of Thorns Champion will be taking on his teammate, Hardcore Jones! These two will be fighting it out in a "Pitfall" match! What that means is that you have a vine-covered rope bridge suspended above a caged-in pool of crocodiles! This match is a variation of the scaffold match, the first man to push his opponent into the pool below wins! Hear they come now!
*"Whiplash" by Metallica plays as Shockwave makes his way toward the ladder leading up to the scaffold. He holds the Crown of Thorns Title and he salutes the crowd and starts to climb the ladder onto the rope bridge, as the crocodiles below snap and growl up at him.*
CW: How do you spell alligator chow? S-H-O-C-K-W-A-V-E!!! Haha!!!
MR: They're not alligators, they're crocodiles.
CW: Shut up!
*"Sad But True" by Metallica booms over the PA as Hardcore Jones makes his way to the ladder. He is wearing boots, REALLY short khaki shorts, and a short-sleeved khaki button-up shirt. Slinged over his shoulder he holds a trashcan full of various weapons and a steel chair in his other hand!*
CW: He's dressed like THE Crocodile Hunter!!! Haha!!!
*He tosses up the steel chair, and climbs up the ladder holding on to the trashcan. He gets to the top, him and Shockwave shake hands, and the bell rings.*
MR: The grapple! Hardcore Jones gets him in a headlock and bulldogs him! Whoa! That rope bridge is pretty unstable, and the impact of Shockwave's head just sent it rocking! Jones grabs his steel chair and nails Shockwave in the head with it, and again, and again, AND AGAIN!!! Shockwave is stunned, and he's rocking dangerously near the edge!!! He snaps out of it and takes the chair from Jones! Now Shockwave grabs the chair and DROP KICKS IT INTO JONES!!! Jones almost falls, but comes back and starts punching Shockwave! He hits him with some strong forearms, and finishes them off with a running knee hit! Now Jones goes over to the trashcan and gets out a metal baseball bat! He charges at Shockwave, who back body drops him, and takes the bat!
CW: Jones gets back up AND HITS A HOME RUN ON JONES' JEWELS!!! Jones is on his knees, and Shockwave brings the bat down on his head! Shockwave drops the bat and picks Jones up over his head, I think he's gonna throw him down!!! No! Jones slips off and hits a side Russian leg sweep on Shockwave! Now Jones has the bat and he's bashing in Shockwave's ribs! Now he's trying to roll Shockwave off the rope bridge, but Shockwave fights back with a leg drag AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO THROW JONES OFF THE BRIDGE!!!!!!! Jones rolls over on top of Shockwave now and starts pummeling him! Jones just barely escaped the crocodiles down below!!! Shockwave tosses him off, and blatantly chokes him! Now he's lifting him up with one arm for a choke slam BUT JONES' BOOT PAYS A VISIT TO SHOCKWAVE'S GROIN!!! Ouch!!! Shockwave drops Jones and bends over in pain, and Jones hits a nasty swinging neckbreaker!!!
MR: Jones is waving for Shockwave to get up. Shockwave stumbles up, and Jones charges with a football tackle, but Shockwave counters with a drop toe hold THAT SENDS JONES ONTO THE EDGE!!! Jones upper torso is tangling over the bridge, and he's about to fall!!!!!! HE FELL!!! NO! WAIT! He's still hanging on with his hands, and Shockwave has the biggest smile I've ever seen on his face! Now, he's stepping on Jones' toes, and Jones is almost gone! Wait! Jones punches back, and manages to sling his leg up onto the bridge! Jones is back on, and he's introducing Shockwave to some hardcore fists! Jones grabs his trashcan, empties all the weapons out, and bashes Shockwave in the head with it!!! Now he drops it and vertical suplexes him into the trashcan!!! Dear God! Shockwave grabs a brick, and smacks Jones in the head with it!!! Now Shockwave is wrapping a chain around his fist and he's punching Jones in the head, trying to bust his brow open!
CW: Jones is bleeding a little, and Shockwave pulls him to his feet and wraps the chain around his throat! He's choking the life out of Jones, and is leading him over toward the edge! Jones fights back, takes the chain off his neck, AND WHIPS SHOCKWAVE ACROSS HIS BACK!!!!! He grabs Shockwave by his trunks AND THROWS HIM STRAIGHT OFF THE ROPE BRIDGE!!!!!!!! SHOCKWAVE JUST LANDED ON THE SPANISH ANNOUNCER'S TABLE!!!!!!!! THAT NEARLY BROKE HIM IN HALF!!!!!!! Jones is climbing down the ladder to go backstage, but they haven't rang the bell yet! What's wrong here?
MR: Well, Clint, he has to toss him into the crocodile's pool! Shockwave landed on the announcer's table! I can't believe this! Shockwave is going to have to fight some more after that fall!
*As Jones climbs down, Shockwave gets up from the rubble of the Spanish announcer's table, grabs a steel chair from an announcer (who has just fainted and fell out of it) and runs over toward Jones and smacks him in the head hard with the chair!*
MR: Shockwave isn't stating down! He knocks Jones off the ladder and continues to pound him with the chair! Shockwave whips Jones into the guardrail, and look! Someone's handing Jones something!
*DRH is in the audience and hands Jones a steel chair that appears to be wrapped with cloth drenched in some kind of liquid. Jones grabs the chair and DRH pulls out a Zippo lighter and lights the cloth, which we now know is drenched in LIGHTER FLUID!*
CW: HOLY MONKEY NUTS!!! IT'S THE FIRE CHAIR!!!!!
MR: JONES SMACKS SHOCKWAVE IN THE HEAD WITH THE FLAMING CHAIR!!!! HE DROPS IT NOW AND SPIKE PILEDRIVERS SHOCKWAVE INTO THE FIRE CHAIR!!!!!! Jones whips Shockwave into the guardrail, but misses with the fire chair!!! Shockwave dropkicks him and takes the fire chair! NOW SHOCKWAVE IS HAMMERING HIM WITH THE FIRE CHAIR!!!!! MY GOD!!!! HE'S GONNA KILL HIM!!!!!!! JONES KNOCKS THE CHAIR OUT OF HIS HANDS AND HITS HIM WITH A BRAINBUSTER!!!!!!!!! Now Jones grabs the fire chair and sets up the ladder in front of Shockwave! He's climbing up, but Shockwave gets up and body slams him off the ladder and takes the chair! Now Shockwave is climbing up the ladder with the fire chair AND HITS HIM WITH A MOONSAULT WITH THE FIRE CHAIR!!!!!!! DEAR GOD!!!!! Jones gets up and grapples with him, kicks him in the midsection, and hits a front face DDT!!! Shockwave gets up, JONES ATTEMPTS AN EVENFLOW DDT, but Shockwave counters with a fisherman's suplex!!!! Shockwave whips Jones into the guardrail now, and a fan hands Jones a Coors Light, Jones takes a big swig, SPITS THE BEER IN SHOCKWAVE'S FACE AND BUSTS THE CAN OVER HIS HEAD!!!!!!
CW: Shockwave's feeling Rocky Mountain-style pain!!! Jones power slams Shockwave, and now he's climbing up the ladder, and he hits Shockwave with a 450-degree splash!!!!! Shockwave throws him off, and grapples with him! Shockwave gets the edge, and hits a reverse Russian leg sweep! Shockwave tries to whip Jones, but Jones reverses and whips Shockwave into the cage that surrounds the crocodile pool!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! One of those crocs just snapped at Shockwave and almost bit off his finger!!! Shockwave throws Jones into the cage, knocking him out! Now Shockwave has decided to take this match back upstairs! He's taking the ladder back over to the rope bridge and is climbing back up onto it! Jones is back up and climbing up after Shockwave! Shockwave hits him with a steel chair, AND THE LADDER WAS KNOCKED OUT FROM UNDER HIM AND HE'S DANGLING FROM THE BRIDGE!!!!!! SHOCKWAVE IS POUNDING HIM IN THE HEAD AND JONES IS ABOUT TO DROP!!!!!! OH GOD!!!!!! HE FELL OFF AND LANDED HARD ON THAT METAL LADDER!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!? SHOCKWAVE JUST LEAPED OFF AND SWAN DIVE SPLASHES JONES AGAINST THE LADDER!!!!!!! OUCH!!!!!! Jones gets up and clotheslines Shockwave with the ladder!!!!!! That'll cost him some teeth!!! Now he's climbing back up to the bridge!!! Shockwave follows and jumps up onto the rope bridge!!!!!
MR: Jones slams a steel chair into Shockwave and follows it up with a leg drop with chair across Shockwave's face!!!!! Shockwave takes him down with an arm drag, follows through into an arm bar, and bangs Jones in his elbow with a lead pipe!!! Shockwave hits Jones in the head with the lead pipe, puts him over his shoulder, and is ready to toss him off the rope bridge! NO!!! Wait! Jones slips off, grabs him from behind, and hits a reverse brainbuster!!! Now the two are grappling AND SHOCKWAVE OVERHEAD BELLY SUPLEXES JONES INTO THE CAGE FULL OF CROCODILES!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!
*Jones falls into the cage and the crocodiles immediately go after him! He scrambles toward the cage and franticly tries to climb it! Shockwave drops down onto the top of the cage, grabs his arm, and pulls him out and over the cage and the two fall to the ground! They get up, shake hands, and Jones raises Shockwave's arm in the air, declaring him the winner! Shockwave grabs a mic from the ring announcer*
Shockwave: With all this success, I feel I need to leave this whole "Shockwave persona" behind me! Shockwave was a jobber!!! Now, there'sCRIMSON!!!
*The fans cheer and Shockwave and Jones limp backstage.*
Mike: Fans, right now, we need to go to the back, where we understand Jonas Testament is sitting in wait for his match!! Let's go!!
*The camera switches to the back, and we see Jonas crouched in a corner, his head lowered. He speaks without raising it.*
Jonas: Tonight...the Gods will be forgotten. No one will remember anyone after tonight, besides me...Jonas Testament. The most insane, the most contreversial, the Hall Of Famer himself, will shock the world, and probably make you sick. Prepare yourselves, because what you are going to see...it's going to shock you. What I'm going to do tonight is illegal everywhere...but here. Prepare yourselves...for..tonight is the night...the line will be crossed...
