I’ve reached the point in life where I’m about to tell you “how it was in my day.” This is scary, but necessary to illustrate how life has changed for all of us. Take the remote control, for example. (Uh-uh, not so fast! I didn’t mean TAKE IT, literally! It’s after 9, and IT”S MINE!) Here it goes: when I was a kid, we had two channels. Are you youngsters (I can’t believe I’m actually using that word!) listening? TWO CHANNELS—and one of them was so snowy, it made Miracle on 34^th Street look like Beach Blanket Bingo. (Even my metaphors make me sound old). Let’s try another: It was so snowy, you had to watch it with a shovel. AND WE LIKED IT, DADGUMMIT!

On Sunday nights, you were either an Ed Sullivan family or a Bonanza family. Being part of the urban culture (Patton, PA; population 1963: approximately 3,000) we watched Ed instead of Hoss. Ed Sullivan would never stand a chance as a variety-show host today. Besides being over one hundred years old, he had bad posture and no looks or charm. Hoss Cartwright was a three-hundred-pound cowboy and one of three brothers, none of whom bore the slightest resemblance to each other. But considering that on the show they were all from different mothers, it kind of figures (what a bizarre situation for a 60s show!).

Now getting back to the remote control, WE had a remote in my family. Yeah. When Dad wanted the channel changed, he whacked me on the head and said, “CHANNEL SIX!” (I am joking) It always worked. Being able to channel surf is truly wonderful, but in my house, it takes twenty hours of continuing education. I have a remote for the cable box, one to turn on the TV, one for the DVD player, and one for the VCR. All four remotes must be on the coffee table and must be used, unless you want to get stuck watching The Fishing Channel all evening. You might even get “hooked” on Babe Winkleman and order his Fishing 21^st Century high-tech, state of the art SONAR that lets you know where the fish are, without letting them know where you are. It’s only $3,500, or 175 easy monthly payments of $19.99. Help me find the remote, please! Dig deep down into the couch one more time. I know it’s there, somewhere.