Recently, my mother has repeatedly expressed interest in having a computer and going on the internet. I am not thrilled about the idea. My wife says I should help my mother get started on a computer and “shame on [me] for not wanting to help.” First, let me tell you that my mother is 76. Ok, I know that 76 is not too old to do something like turning on a computer and maybe getting recipes on AOL. But, I just can’t see my mother double-clicking Internet Explorer and doing a Google search. You’re thinking I have a low opinion of my mom, aren’t you? Well, go ahead. I’m misunderestimated (just like the President) all the time.

Ok, so why am I so reluctant to get her started on a computer? I’ll tell you. When I gave her a VCR one Christmas, she thought it was a toaster oven. One other Christmas, I gave her a new phone that had Caller ID, speakerphone, and memory. Soon after, it was in a box in the basement and she had resurrected her old canary yellow rotary dial phone that was built like a tank and rang like a fire alarm. I just can’t imagine how she would deal with the computer freezing. “Just press CNTRL+ALT+DEL at the same time, Mom.” What? And Heaven forbid she’d ever discover how to access qvc.com. I think I’m doing my dad a big favor.

When my parents were born, electrical service in homes was brand new. And over the years, their generation has witnessed fantastic events unfold like the simulated moon landing on the Nevada desert in 1969, Michael Jackson changing from a black man to a white woman, Rush Limbaugh getting busted for drugs, and a geek with a bad haircut becoming the richest man in the world. Who would’ve ever thunk it? No wonder she wants to become a cyber-citizen. Ok, I give up. I’m going to get her set up. If you want to squeal on me, email her at: mom76@spam&popups.hlp  or visit her site at http://www.my_son_is_worthless_and_is _of _no_help_whatsoever.com.