THRU WITH THE DRIVE THRU

Drive-thrus are great, aren't they? Think about it-you don't have to get out of the car and you get your stuff, usually quicker than if you went in! So why do I loath them so much?

When my wife says (commands), "Go through the drivethru!" I usually balk, snapping back, "I don't feel like being everyone's waitress today, no thanks." My passengers can't seem to fathom my contempt for the whole experience. Well, since they won't listen when I try to explain, maybe you will . . . Hello? Are you still there?

I always seem to have trouble communicating with the person on the other side of the speakerbox. First, they come on the box welcoming me to Clownburger. Then they misunderstand my order when I ask for substitutions in their "value-meals." Here's what I said one time, you tell me if I was "out of line:"

Hi, could I substitute a shake for my drink and pay the difference? (Apparently, the food delivery specialist thought I asked for an scientific explanation of why the sky is blue.)

Here's what I really hate about drivethrus: communicating everyone's order to the "voice in the box." I'm always corrected by each and everyone and feel under tremendous pressure to get it right. "Happy meal, cheesburger, . . . wait, no bread, no pickle, no burger . . . a milkshake, shaken not stirred, two apple pies, preferably with filling less than 211 degrees! AAAAAAAHHRRR!!!!

When the dining service associate gives me the total, I always struggle getting into my backpocket to get at my wallet. It's easy when you're inside! But I usually get close to a hernia and feel the vessels in my neck swell to capacity when I'm finding the funds. The big risk here is that you'll drop your change and have to open the door to retrieve it.

Finally, perhaps the most aggravating part of the experience: the post purchase analysis of the correctness of the order after you have driven out of the parking lot and back out onto the highway of people pissed-off that their orders were screwed up, too. The following was actually said to me last night by one of my disgruntled servees: "Hey, there's no cream inside this donut! I specifically asked you to get me one with cream!" And of course, I apologize, even though blame belongs to the culinary consultant that served me!

I wish drive thrus didn't exist and everyone would go in and order their own stuff!