It saddens me to read the last pages of this journal.
How is it possible that I recount such emotional and trying situations in such calloused and short words? I know can never hope to recount those events with as much as feeling as when they were happening, but my penned words seem so short. Indeed they are.
It saddens me to know that no one will ever understand what happened on those days...how is it that one can live a life so full but once that person is gone no one will ever remember...least not like they should?
I should have kept a better record of the events as they transpired. I shall strive to do better.
I am frustrated with myself...you can tell I am sure. I normally am not like this. What lies in these pages are the things I cannot voice in day to my companions. My thoughts are usually not so dark. Forgive me. I have had trouble composing lately and it has left me a bit edgy mentally. I have never had such a mental block before. Usually I have a most welcome barrage of melodies in my head and cannot write them down fast enough but now...now it is silent. Why has the music stopped? What am I doing differently in my life that has caused the ceasing of my most prized passion? How am I to keep up with my fellow performers if I cannot develop new material? Oh maybe that’s it! I have never before had pressure to write music. Actually I have never before been requested to write...I just did it for my pleasure. Maybe that’s it! Yes that makes sense. I am not used to competing with any other composers the pressure to do well must be weighing more heavily upon me than I had thought. Certainly I have a right to feel pressure; these performers are some of the best that I have seen. I truly do hold myself in good company.
Jelek of course is with me…his talents are many but he lacks much in the way of performing. He is a swift learner however and a most welcome partner to some of my acts. His wit seems a kin to many of our audience members and for that I am grateful.
Eran is a bard, a handsome and talented one at that. Lir is an acrobat. He hasn't reached his full potential inside of himself but once he does he will be an excellent performer.
Horace is an acrobat and a musician. He plays the flute. Perhaps we can learn a thing or two from each other.
I am pleased to say that these wonderful people are quickly becoming my friends. They are some of the most heart felt and honest people I have ever met. I have been lucky enough to room with a young human woman named Alasia. She is a curious but talented character. She is quite a dancer…among other things. She lives a life that until now was foreign to me. She has a mentality unlike anyone I’ve known. She is so open and free but still when she speaks to me I can tell that sometimes she fears that I’ll think of her poorly. I find her attitude quite refreshing. I do tire so of the selfish people in the world and I am thankful that she is here to bring my heart back to the true spirit of living.
I think this adventure, in all, will be a most pleasant one…that is if we ever leave. Seems as if we have been delayed for far to long, but perhaps I am just being impatient.
Now we are to head off, investigating a map that was found in our newly purchased wagon. I tell you, I was quite nervous buying the thing…I for some reason decided to flash the Watchers symbol Tek gave me to try to get a discount. Thankfully no one questioned my being a watchers councilman and we got the wagon at a considerable discount. I don’t think I’ll be using the medallion again though the nervousness that welled up inside me and the guilt of lying to an organization that had been so kind to me was overwhelming. We aren’t so sure what the map is but I suppose that’s the fun in investigating. The map is marked with some sort of ranger like directions. It is a bit foreign to me but I think I get most of the meaning. Seems as if we are to approach the marked spot flying a blue flag, then we will be accepted. To what I am unsure but hopefully the trip will prove somewhat beneficial.
