Tanner Jason Tobac
Born into the arms
of Angels
Sept. 30, 1999

Tanner weighed 8 pounds, 12 ounces
and was 21 inches long.

For 3 hours I held you
It could never be enough
a hazy fog of memories
is all that I felt your touch.
I kissed your quiet lips
and held you close to me
removed your little hat
and touched your soft hair.
I tried to hold your finger
Oh what I would have given-
to only feel its grasp.
I hope that in my hug you felt
The love that I have had for you
from the moment I knew
you were within me.
I pray your soul could see
the love of your family.

Tammy Tobac
Copyright Sept. 30, 1999

Dreams That Never Came True

I miss for you the dreams I held that never came true...
To feel you nurse and to see your eyes open and peering back at me, nestled in the afghan I crocheted for you.
To hear you cry in the middle of the night and to scoop you up and safely hold you in my arms.
To see which brother you would look more like...Zane or Shane.
To see you napping sweetly on Daddy's chest while he watches tv, your tiny little arms dangling at his sides.
To touch your tiny toes and feel your hand grasp my one little finger.
To see your brothers hold you and take pictures of their new baby brother in their eager waiting arms.
To bathe you with Neutrogena soap and brush your baby soft hair, and rub you all over with Baby Magic lotion and smell that sweet newborn smell.
To feed you your first cereal from a spoon and see the scrunchy face you would make.
To dress you as a peapod for Halloween.
To give you gifts at Christmas and see your name hanging from a stocking on the mantle.
To make you our Baby New Year ~ just as your brother's before you.
To smother you with Valentine Kisses and let you taste chocolate.
To see the Easter Bunny holding you.
To wiggle your little body into the pool at summertime.
To take you on a boat ride and watch you gently fall asleep to the waves on the river.
To hold your hand as you learn to walk.
To hear your first words, would they be Mama or Dada.
To blow out the candles on your first birthday cake and let you play in the icing.
These are the dreams that never came true.
To know that the rest of the world will not forget you Tanner and that even if only for a breath of my life, I held an angel in my arms.
I shall always be your Mama, and blow you kisses to Heaven each night before I go to sleep...
and hopefully these dreams will come to me as I slumber.

Tammy Tobac
Copyright Oct. 26, 1999
To read more poems for Tanner

Poems for Tanner

There are elephants on this page because Tanner was supposed to begin collecting elephants. His brother Zane collects monkeys and Shane collects giraffes. A baby elephant was born at our zoo (the first in captivity in North America) in the same year as Tanner. Now Mama will collect them for him.

Tanner is loved and missed by his parents, Brian and Tammy, and his two big brothers, Zane and Shane.

A Shattered Mother's Heart

The most joyous moments of my life
are the days my sons were born.
But there was to be no baby's cry
that wretched Thursday morn.

That day there was only
the deafening sound
of my shattered breaking heart.
For Tanner, my son,
far before we'd begun,
Your sweet soul left my body~
we now were apart.

No more feet nudging wildly,
no more hiccups, no waiting,
no baby to bundle and dress and love,
No arrival at home,
No celebrating.

I will never forget that cold black day.
When the doctor uttered those words,
that you my sweet son, my baby, my boy,
had somehow passed away.

That moment in time,
like some nightmare movie,
plays again and again and again in my head!
From the moment I arise in the morning,
till the evening winds down and I lay in my bed.

I want to shout "WHY?!!!"
I want someone to blame!
For taking you from me
My life will never be the same.

But there is no answer to be found
to this burning question in my mind.
I could search and search
for the rest of my days....
no answer will I ever find.

People say God needed you.
Well, how Lord can this be?
How could You need my baby boy?
How could you need him more than ME?

"They" say you're now an angel in heaven.
"They" say you're in a better place.
Well call me selfish ~ I don't care!!
I want to hold you face to face.

I want to see you in my arms.
I want to see your open eyes.
I want for you all that SHOULD be.
I want to hear your newborn cries.

Now all that I can hope for
is that God will one day give to me
the pieces of my broken, tattered heart
patched back together by His Love
and serenity.

written for Tanner Jason Tobac
born into the arms of angels 9-30-99
by his Mommy Tammy ~ 11-26-99

The music you hear on Tanner's page is "You'll Be In My Heart". It was playing on the speakers at the grocery store just several weeks after Tanner had gone to heaven. The second that I heard it, my mind just clicked that the song was to be "Our Song". I hadn't even gone through all of the lyrics yet, but something magical about that song just rang out in my head. Once I read the words, I knew just how perfect it was. We took the boys to see the Tarzan movie this summer while Tanner was still safely tucked inside me. So he was even at the movie. That song shall forever remain our connection song.
Ther lyrics to the song are here.

"You'll Be In My Heart"

This baby elephant's name is Baby Tanner, he was adopted for Tanner by his big brothers Zane and Shane.


Pages others have made for Tanner
In Memory of Tanner
Tanner Jason Tobac
A special page
Angel Moms

Awards Tanner's page has won.
Tanner's Awards
Win Tanner's Award

Read Tanner's Guestbook

Sign Tanner's Guestbook
For your message to appear in the guestbook, you have to click the
"Sign the Guestbook" button a total of 3 times.
E-mail Tanner's Family

The poems ont this page were written for Tanner, please do not remove them.
~Thank You~