Worry lines etched deep in my face
As I wonder what I'm doing in this place
Tissue being torn in little ragged pieces
Pent up thoughts I'm now releasing.

Two short weeks ago things were just fine
Not a care in the world , feeling sublime
Then by accident I found that lump
Not really that big, merely a bump.

To be on the safe side, to the doctor I went
He probed and he frowned, I knew what that meant
He sat for a moment, stared straight ahead
I listened real close to the words that he said.

"It could just be a cyst, all fluid filled"
With those words my heart somewhat stilled
"Off for a mammogram, that's where you'll go
No sense in worrying until we know".

A malignant tumor it showed indeed
Growing with unbelievable speed
The hardest part is now the wait
Finding out what will be my fate.

If I believed in God's power, perhaps I
could pray
To keep watch over me on that fearful day
When I find out where lays my fate
Hoping that it's not too late.

The surgery scheduled, off came the breast
Waking to bandages tight on my chest
The nodes that were taken, no cancer was found
I'm now walking on air, feet not touching
the ground.

NEVER TOO LATE

On November 30, 1998
Is the day I thought I met my fate
Wheeled into surgery at 12 o clock noon
I realized it would be over soon.

Out of recovery, my right breast removed
My family around me, my soul was soothed
The doctor said everything went great
I now realize it's never too late.

To regroup my thoughts, what is special to me
Not a house nor money, but my family
Who rallied support there by my side
Looked at me with love and pride.

I think of years wasted when I thought no one cared
Years alone cause I was too scared
To let love live in my body and soul
It took removing my breast to make me whole.

ONLY LOVE

I step out of the shower, water dripping down my face
Wrap myself in a soft, fluffy towel
Passing the floor length mirror I stop and study the image
Of the worry lines etched on my face
My heart is pounding painfully in my chest
Tonight, I vow, I will get the answers to the questions
That have been bothering me since my surgery.
I straighten my shoulders and paste a smile on my face.
Bare feet padding across the plush carpeting of our bedroom
I stand before you as you sit on the edge of the bed.
Ever so slowly, I let my towel drop
I stare directly at you waiting to see your reaction.
I expect you to turn away with revulsion on your face
But you in turn stare where my right breast used to be.
So gently you trace your thumb across the ugly incision
I recoil, thinking you are only doing this for my benefit.
But in your eyes I see only love
And in your strong arms I feel that love.
As our eyes lock together, you whisper
"I love you and I'm thankful that you're alive."

I wrote this for my cousin Patty who was first diagnosed with colon cancer in her thirties. She had underwent many chemo and radiation treatments. So many times, we thought they had gotten all the cancer. In the last months of her life, the cancer had spread thru out most of her body. Her battle for life ended on April 7, 1999 a few short months after her 41st birthday.

PATTY

Laying in the darkened hospital room
Starched white sheets up against your chest
Looks so uncomfortably tight across your bloated stomach.
Your eyes are closed in what resembles peaceful sleep
The sight belies the monotonous humming and beeping
Of the pumps and monitors surrounding you.
I can't help but wonder what thoughts go thru your mind...
How does one accept the end is near?
I look at the array of flowers and birthday balloons...
Their vividness a sharp contrast against the stark white walls.
Bitterly I think, "Yeah, happy birthday!"
I wonder where your faith comes from.
Where do you get the strength to be so strong?
You open your pain-filled eyes startling me
out of my thoughts.
You smile, which looks more like a grimace, and say, "Hi!"
We chat for a bit, but tiredness overtakes you
As you drift back to sleep.
Blinking back the hot tears that sting my eyes
I can't help but think...
You spent 41 years on this earth for your end to be like this??
I just don't understand it and I hope the angels
keep watch over you.
~1/21/58 - 4/7/99~

Cancer

Being diagnosed with breast cancer
Has made me live with fear in my heart
Every ache and pain fills me with terror
I've watched many family members die this way
The end is not a pretty sight ...
I often wonder will I be one of the lucky ones
To be given a new reprieve on life...
Given a second chance to appreciate
All the things in life I have taken for granted.
Suicidal thoughts and attempts thru out the years
When I should have held fast to all that is dear to me
The beauty that I was too selfish to acknowledge...
I want to live life to its fullest, watch my kids grow
Walk in the rain, play in the sun...
I know we all must go sometime but please, please
Not this soon... not with cancer.

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Email: Debbie

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