Now, as a kid, I think of myself as cynical. Although I don't even know what that means, I think it's a cool word, therefore doesn't describe me at all. That's why I only think of myself as cynical. Because I want to be popular.
I remember eighth grade. Near the end of the year, when we were starting to think of ourselves as almost-high-schoolers, a bunch of actually-high-schoolers came to visit us at the middle school. They were there to tell us about Penn-Trafford High School. Boy, were we psyched!
These kids, both boys and girls, came into the auditorium and told us about high school. High School, they said, was a magical, glorious place where popularity was non-existant. Cliques were extinct, buried in the friendship of all the students. There were no fights, and the halls were safe for the coming freshmen.
We went home that day feeling excited about our upcoming experience. Of course, we still had about four or five months left, but who cared? We were going to be a part of one of the few schools that didn't have students judging each other. Where teasing and such didn't even have a meaning! And boy, was I ready to get away from teasing!
All summer I was rushed, hoping that the hot days would fly by, leaving me at my first day of glorious ninth grade. During ninth grade, I've learned many things, done many things, and wished I hadn't learned those many things. This is a somewhat detailed description of what I've learned.
Lesson 1: Popular People
Right. Uh-huh. Don't believe those kids who come to the middle school. They have some kind of warped vision, set in their minds by the demonic teachers at high school, which I will talk about later. They have been brainwashed by teachers boring them into pitiful submission.
Popular people dominate the school. Any election in the school is a popularity contest. You'll end up with the most popular ditz as your captain leader, no matter what. That is, unless you actually have a team that has an IQ of more than 75. Then you're lucky, because you've got one heck of a team!
If you think a kid is hot, forget about them. If they really are hot, then they're either taken or popular. Or both, which is usually the case. Prime example: you think, 'Wow, are they HOT!' That person thinks, 'Gee, I wonder who will ask me out tonight?' then, according to the person's gender, will then think of a list of names of people who haven't asked them yet, immediately dismissing you from their list.
How to become popular: I have no idea. If I knew, then I would be out on a date or something. I'd actually be having FUN on a weeknight for once. My best guess is to snag a hot guy or girl, get the most popular, expensive clothes you can't afford, then flaunt it in front of the already popular people. Since I'm not about to lower myself to their level, I don't know if it works. Try it and tell me later. That is, if you're not too snobby not to talk to me.
Lesson 2: Cliques
There are many cliques in high school, no matter what anyone says. I'll try to describe the ones I know, but the words for them may not have been created yet. I'll try to do the best I can, though.
Band Freaks: these are all the people in the band. No matter what grade, these people are the ones known as the artsy types. Some are even in the Drama Clique as well. Those people are usually also in the Gifted Kids and Popular Clique as well, thus making other people either desire or hate these people. Of course, only people in the same clique can ever match, but people end up developing hopeless crushes on at least one person from a totally different clique. Anyway...
Drama Clique: all the people in the Drama Guild. Down to the last unimportant crew member, each one is labeled a Drama kid. Most Drama kids are the ones who have no life, or are so popular that they think they can be even more popular by being onstage. These people either make it or end up being comforted by the rest of the popular clique.
Popular Clique: every single popular person, no matter how stupid, dumb, or intolerant of kindness. These people usually try to show how sorry they are for other people when the outsiders get hurt. Some kids outside the clique are actually stupid enough to believe that these acts are true feelings, thus luring them into a false sense of security. But the smart ones just nod their head and walk away, knowing better.
Gifted Kids: all the ones either getting all A's, who skipped at least one grade, or were lucky enough to make it into the Gifted Program. These people are always either popular, or band freaks. And the gifted band freaks always end up in the drama clique. Understand? Good.
Freaks: anybody who dyes their hair, gets more than just their ears pierced, and wears Marilyn Manson T-shirts to school every single day. Usually the one wearing chain or spiked necklaces (a.k.a. collars). Also usually wear dogtags and flannel shirts.
Jocks: anyone in sports. These people are rarely in other cliques other than the popular one. If they are, then look at the clique description below 'Rejects'. But jocks are either in sports, or really involved in them. Such as cheerleaders, sports medicine people, or anyone who just sits on the sidelines and helps the team morally.
Rejects: everybody else. Or sometimes, a reject can be in many cliques, just they were shunned. Which can happen, take my word for it.
Everybody-Wishes-This-Clique-Didn't-Exist-Except-For-The-People-In-It Clique: a person who is in every single clique except for the rejects clique. These people are the stars of the school, whose names have become common words to the rest of the school. They are often mentioned in the school paper, and are highly praised by the majority of the teachers. They are usually the ones who get scholarships and special awards and prizes. The rest of the school either worships them blindly or hates their guts.
Lesson 3: The Languages
Now, I only take French, so I write this using the experiences and quotes of my friends and teachers. If I left out something, I'm sorry, please complain to anyone but me because I get cynical when I'm agitated (whatever that means).
German: according to my teachers, this is the easiest language in the universe. This must be true, because my two friends like to talk in it while around me, therefore driving me even more out of my mind than I already am. They'll just sit there and yak and yak in German, and for all I know, they're planning some diabolical plot for conquering the world which involves an unsharpened pencil and murdering me. Which is why when they start to talk in German, I either run to the bathroom for safety or scream. Main Idea: if you want to take over the world AND scare your friends out of their wits at the same time, learn German!
French: in my opinion, the best language in existence. The people who take French either want to be romantic, want to get as far away from home as possible, or just felt like taking French. I fall into all three categories. Some call it the Romantic Language, some call it the Wussies' Language, some call it a Waste Of Time. It just depends on your intelligence. If you're intelligent, though, you wouldn't be taking French. You'd be taking...
Latin: the genius course. If you have an IQ around or over 170, then you're probably in this course. You'll find only one person in each in your classes who took this course, and will spend many hours complaining about how hard and easy it is at the same time. I had to learn some Latin in eighth grade, and hated it. So I have no idea why anyone would be nuts enough to take Latin. Go figure.
Spanish: everyone who else who took a language at all. This has been rumored by many, many people to be the easiest course. Yet I hear my friends practicing it constantly, trying to remember words. I also hear that Spanish II, III, and IV get even tougher. Spanish is supposed to be the top candidate for a second language for the US. If it becomes the second language, I'll go and hide in a storm cellar until everyone regains their sanity.
Lesson 4: Dress Code
No, you can't wear spandex or anything of the such. No matter the rumors,
the dress code is exactly the same as middle school. Which means that it
basically sucks. That stupid three-inch-above-the-knee rule is being debated
constantly between students. Your shorts or skirts must be either three
inches above the knee or have a six inch inseam. The latter is a plus for
tall people, because they can wear shorts or skirts with a six inch inseam,
and have it be about four or five inches above the knee.
Same rule: no tank tops or sleeveless shirts. Nothing that shows the
midriff (translation: belly button). And then the brand-new, stupidest
rule of all: no one is allowed to wear those stretchy headbands. You know,
the kind that are usually used as sweatbands for sports, but have these
fancy designs that you pay extra for, so you have to wear them to school
to show it off? Well, apparently, somewhere in this clueless country, some
kid took one of those and killed someone in school with it. So now you
can't wear them. I tried wearing a beaded necklace as a type of crown once-you
know, the kind that you see on pictures of hippies all the time? I got
yelled at for wearing it. Talk about irrational!
Lesson 5: Ethics (i.e. Morals, everything else that kids do...)
One of the rumors that made me most excited in eight grade was that you could make out in class without the teacher caring. This made me very happy, and thought of all the fun I could have making out with my current boyfriend (ackk!) during class. Thankfully, I found out the falsity of that rumor before I put my faith into it completely.
Also, you still aren't allowed to sleep in class. Actually, it depends which class you have and the excuse you have for sleeping during it. I remember just last week, when my Civics teacher said to me, "Hey, Rippette! You can either wake up, or you can walk out that door and call home to sleep!" at which point I blushed, resolved to find out where he lived, and somehow stayed awake the rest of the class.
The good part is that you are allowed to chew gum in class. In most classes, that is. I still hear horror stories of teachers making kids spit their gum out, then giving them some sort of cruel and ruthless punishment. In reality, the student handbook says zilch about gum chewing in class. So most kids who have read the student handbook argue about this with the teacher. Then they get sentenced even more work. My advice: find out which teachers are the good ones, then chew gum in those classes only. Either that, or carry around numerous good pencils and endless amounts of paper.
Lesson 6: Classes Are Harder/Easier
Classes Are Harder: yes, most are. But if you take a class like Civics, you'll recognize most of the material from your second or third grade Social Studies book. On the other hand, if you take HONORS Civics, then you're either in the Gifted Kids clique or just totally out of your mind. The constant current events quizzes will drive you even more nuts. Have fun!
Classes Are Easier: yes, some are. Depends on which class you take. Even though Civics may only be the stuff you learned in early elementary school, its importance is amplified by about fifty points. Honors English is basically English class and Literature class rolled into one, while English class is English class and Reading class rolled into one. I take honors, so I don't know what the regular is like.
Classes Are The Same: right. If you believe this, then you belong in middle school, and should stay there. If classes are the same, then the earth is the center of the universe. Hopefully you already knew that. If you didn't, then prepare for reality-it hurts! Classes are either harder or sickeningly easier then middle school classes. Plus, in high school, you choose your classes-to a certain extent.
Lesson 7: You Can Choose Your Classes
To a predetermined point. The minimum amount of credits is 6 1/4, the maximum is 7 1/4. The problem is, you either can't reach the minimum or are way over the maximum. Regular classes are 1 credit each, semester classes are 1/2 credit each, and some are rated differently. Driver's Theory doesn't have a credit, I think. I'm just 14, so I wouldn't know.
Then comes the waiting. After you spend many tedious hours carefully choosing your classes, then being yelled at by your parents by not taking the courses they say you have to take, you must wait about a month or two to see if you were lucky enough to get into the class. If you choose a class that's so obsolete you were only able to see it using an electron microscope, it'll probably be canceled, and you'll be assigned a glorious study hall.
Study hall is what gets onto your schedule when there's as much space in your schedule as there is in your social life. And not all study halls are in classrooms, either. Some are in the cafeteria, some in the audion, some in the auditorium. Hope for a classroom. The teacher usually insists violently on complete silence, but some will let you sleep peacefully as long as you don't snore.
Sometimes a class you choose will be filled up, and they couldn't possibly fit you in anywhere. I haven't really heard of this happening, actually, but it would make a pretty neat example, no?
Lesson 8: Hallways
Recently, I wrote a list of "50 Things You Can't Do In High School Unless You Are Superhuman". Many facts about the hallways were included in this highly acclaimed list. The following are the ones you need to know.
1. Go More Than .00001 mph In The Hallway: it's true. 99% percent of the school wants to get to class after the bell rings, therefore leaving you to think up a good excuse for being late for class. Even if your class is just feet from your last one, people will find some way of slowing you down drastically.
2. Avoid Being Stuck Behind Couples Making Out In The Hallway: I know that I mentioned earlier that you weren't allowed to kiss publicly in high school. That doesn't stop most couples. You'll be walking down the hall on a good day, then the two lovebirds will dash right in front of the only break in the crowd in order to make out. Either you're disgusted or mad, and are either way not happy.
37. Find A Working Water Fountain: in school, some punks think its funny to yank the spouts off the water fountains. That leaves the majority of the school wanting water desperately, and also wanting to kick those punks' butts. If you have the time in the morning before homeroom, tour the school looking for working water fountains. Then find some way to get to that fountain before each class. Good luck.
38. Use A Working Water Fountain: you want a drink, you get to the one and only working water fountain in the school, and find that the entire school isn't on their way to class; they're on their way to the one and only working water fountain in the school. At which point you wait forever and end up late for class yet again. Keep it up and you'll get so many tardys that you'll spend your summer vacation in detention.
40. Go To The Bathroom Between Periods: no matter what the teachers
say about going to bathroom between classes, it isn't possible. Even if
you can make it to the bathroom and back within the four-minute class change,
you won't find a working or an empty stall. Just take your chances at asking
the teacher.
Some other notes on the hallway: fights are fun to watch, but don't
get involved. Don't try to read in the hall. No matter what, your gym bag
will find a way to break in the middle of the hall. Your feet will stop
at nothing to trip you on the stairs. Expect to have to laugh something
off at least once, so get used to it. Some teachers will help you if you're
hurt, so kiss up to them.
Lesson 9:
9th grade, 9 lessons. This is the final lesson, in which I tell you everything else my supposed cynical mind has learned in high school. For example...
Kiss up to teachers. People will tell you not to, that this isn't elementary school. Kiss up anyway. They might go easier on you, or believe your excuses, or sign your passes, or help you in an argument. A teacher on your side is always a good thing.
Know your cafeteria food. Some is deadly, some might actually be nutritious, and some is edible. Trust the nachos, just not the nacho cheese. Be wary of the strawberries. The cherries look like tiny deflated basketballs, and have the same nutritional value, stay at least five feet away from them. All stuffing is radioactive. Pizza Hut Pizza doesn't look anything like Pizza Hut Pizza, but at least tastes like it. If you eat anything, eat that.
Know what's in a club before you join it. If you get caught drinking while in S.A.D.D., you'll probably get kicked out. If you think French Club is about kissing, you need to get your mind off the opposite xxx. Environmental club does not include rude graffiti. NHS does not stand for National Hockey Statistics.
Know what's in and what's out. Little stuffed animals are usually popular with the girls. Beanie Babies are to-die-for now. Even if it's not even a genuine Beanie Baby, most girls will coo and giggle over anything that comes close to a cheap imitation. And I admit, even me.
Kick butt on computers. Knowing how to program a poker game in TrueBasic is a definite plus. Or using HyperCard to your advantage can come in handy. Just remember to look like you're working on something important when the teacher comes around, or you're busted. And knowing how to program a graphing calculator can be rewarding.
I call those my 5 K's. Learn them and use them. Don't worry, they're already applied.
So now, a year later after those actually-high-schoolers came and visited
my middle school, I think that I'd do well as one of them. Just lie, and
hope the kids are smart enough to figure their own way around high school.
And also, right now, I'm finally going to look up what 'cynical' means.
Okay, where's the dictionary...okay, here it is...okay, 'C'...here it is.
"Cynical-1, captious, peevish. 2, having or showing the attitude or temper
of a cynic; contemptuously distrustful of human nature and motives." Think
I made a pretty accurate guess, don't you?
HAVE FUN IN HIGH SCHOOL!
CandyCaneCar
May 1997
