You Might be a Redneck if...
...you have the bail bondsman on
speed dial
...you think the Nutcracker is something you do on the diving board
... your excuse for missing your oldest sons grauation is, "Hell woman, you think the crappie bite like this all year?"
... you hear somone mention the depression and you think they are talking about when Bubba's Market ran out of Skoal
...you just hate getting strip searched by the guard every time you go visit your cousin Bubba
... you've ever asked an Amish guy on a horse and buggy if he thought he could out run your John Deer
...you've ever asked a priest why he's wearing that sissy turtleneck
... your favorite event at a wedding is the spittin' contest
...your momma makes two turkeys for Thanksgiving one for the family and the other for the dogs
...you have to camofladge your best crops when a helicopter flies over
...your mother always said keep your nose clean and from this day on you pick your nose
...you cook perogies in beer
...you and your best friend paint flames on your car and it looks better
...you've ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money
...your ashtray is too full, so you use the floor
...you use a gas can to fill up your pick up truck
...you use dental floss to restring your banjo
...you have a trophy from a tractor pull
...your favorite song has the name of a truck company in it
...you have to climb the town's water tower to save your sister's honor
...you and your dad walk to school together because you are in the same grade
...your dad plays "the pull my finger" joke at family gatherings
... you have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits
...you go to a bar to cheer on your mother in mud wrestling
...your pillow case doubles as your bowling bag
...you keep your fingernails long to open you snuff can
...you think the internet is something you use fishing
...when someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats
...you have to take out a loan to pay off the tire store
...you ever shot a deer with a tater gun
...you have ever worn camo to a funeral
...your idea of home security is keeping all the guns loaded
...you have ever been too drunk to fish
...you're at a family reunion and you wear a shirt that says,"I'm related to you!!!"
...your belt buckle doubles as an I.D.
...you bum a smoke from your third grade kid
...you know which leaf is best to use when you're out of toilet paper
... when you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer
...your halloween jack -o- lantern has more teeth than your wife.
...you are the youngest in the family and the first to graduate
...your neighbors refer to you as the pig farmers and you don't have any pigs
...you play pin-the-tail-on- the-donkey and get four teeth kicked out
...you think think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped
...you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags"
...your wife climbs a tree faster than your cat
...you've had a custody fight over a hunting dog
...you burn your lawn instead of mowing it
...you bring a video camera to a funeral
...you have ever mowed the grass and found a car
...you have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob