The Sorley Update for April 19th, The Year 2G
****SPECIAL ADDITION to the SORLEY UPDATE****
I talked to The Big Show in the HUB on Monday while he and Kurt Angle filmed their vignette for RAW, and when asked about Viscera, he replied, "No, man he ain't stupid, he's just stoned. That fat fuck can smoke a lot of fuckin' pot." Yes, it's true, it's true; that is a direct quote from Paul Wight, The Big Show, who Misko and I talked to while The Big Nasty Bastard was taking a SMOKE BREAK!!!!
Now, on with the show....

That's right, once again it's about time to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme, in the newest Sorley Update. From now on, The Sorley Update will be brought to you through the Best Damn Homepage in the business.
I guess I'll address what's been a hectic month or so chronologically (that means in the order that things happened for Kijanka, Fitzy, and all the other "not-so-smart" kids reading this).
Things started out pretty shitty to say the least. I had to study all night April 2nd for a test that I thought I did good on, which means I actually got a 78. Yeah, this American Government class is NOTHING like Lambie's Anyways, after I took the test, I got the fuck out of Dodge, as I hauled ass westward for what was to be the greatest day since Jesus "El Savior" Christ was born to absolve us of our sins, or give us a day to get presents, or whatever the hell that dude was up to...
Anyway, I have to admit that as I pimped it up and down route 22 headed for the 'Burgh, the sky did look pretty ominous. It didn't help that sittin' shotgun was a girl; she sat there and giggled away as the clouds rolled in; don't worry, though, we'll get back to her later.
So, there I am, pulling into the Greatest Tailgate Party eeeeeevvvvver, hosted by The Innovator of Fun, himself, Bunns Hirt. When what do my wandering eyes should appear but the Runaway Trains of Steve Stern ("I'll run that motherfucker over with my truck."), Shelia Kingsley, and several other shady-looking characters accompanying the Trains. For those of you who haven't had the privilege of ever meeting The Stern-O Inferno, consider yourselves blessed. If it weren't the last ever home opener at Three Rivers, I would've tucked my tail and ran like hell. But Your Olympic Hero stuck around, despite having a hairy, yet well-tanned ass shoved in his face every five minutes as Fuzz gave us his own version of the "Thong Song." As game time approached, we hopped in line for the Gateway Clipper to get our stanky asses to the stadium from Station Square. I remember thinking several things at this point in time:
- I just drove 2 1/2 hours to eat one hot dog
- Shit, it's starting to rain
- Why is Kristen Fedorek here?
- Did Kresak just try to grab my unit?
- HA HA... Jackie is stuck taking care of a drunken Robbie Gunz... that's what she gets for saying it would rain.
- Did Falce just eat that little kid?
- Buzz looks like Chico Escuela
As we got off the boat and I ran from the high-pitched whinyness that is Kristen Fedorek, the rain got harder... and harder... and harder... kinda like Dawson Wright watching a gay porn. And we all got wetter... and wetter... and wetter... kinda like Carla when she sees Chuch. Alas, the day I had looked forward to for months was not to be. After standing, cold and wet for 45 minutes, in the right field upper deck of Three Rivers, I heard the five words that broke my heart and will forever resound inside my head: "Tonight's game has been cancelled." It was worse than that time a girl ripped out my still-beating heart, spat on it, laughed at me, and then had her dog shit on me just for good measure. Not as bad as Francisco Cabrera, though. But bad enough to make me wanna throw my Pirates hat (his name's 'Kendall') over the upper deck. Don't worry, I held back; he's still with us. And he's still dirty and he still smells.
Anyway, just as I thought that things couldn't get much worse, I realized that I had to wait in line to take the Clipper back to Station Square. Well, needless to say, rather than wait in line with Kristen Fedorek, I took off for the bridge and walked the entire way back, muttering under my breath how if I saw one movie before I died, it would be "Mickey Blue Eyes."
Then I heard of the drunkest man ever. Now, not to belittle the Penn State girl who once was nabbed by cops with a .68 BAC level, but I don't think she ever tried to fight two sets of parents in one night. That is what Robbie Gunz' roommate did, with a .33 BAC. And that was after ripping an IV out of his arm at the hospital. Ladies and gentlemen, I have met many an asshole in my life, and most of them have become friends of mine, but this man was THE SINGLE BIGGEST ASSHOLE I have ever met.
As I fell asleep Monday night, I could only think about New Orleans and those jumbo shrimp.
Then Tuesday came. After upsetting the sinking Orange team in the first round of the Penn State Intramural Ice Hockey Playoffs, the Golden Shower was feeling good about it's meeting with Boo-Hoo Blue. Blue was a tough team all year, and if we could get through them, it meant we'd be able to take out revenge on Scott Martin and the Maroon team in the Championship. As I had explained to Jerimi Brink, a forward for Boo-Hoo Blue when I saw him @ Chuch's Wrestlemania party (where my boy Trippa-H layed the smackdown on three jabronis at once to retain his title because he is "just that damn good"), we had a game plan, and it centered around the fact that Blue had no INTENSITY, they had no INTEGRITY, and they definitely had no INTELLIGENCE. So the Golden Shower took the ice and played their best damn game of the season. And, fortunately, it was just enough to beat Kevin Lawrence and his girlfriend, Morgen Dautrich, and send them to the showers to console each other. It was now time for the Golden Shower to exact revenge on Scott "Ow, my kidneys hurt" Martin. But first there was Wednesday. And Wednesday was a good day. Why? Because it was a day of rest; serious rest. I slept for almost 16 hours. It was beau-ti-ful, Clark.
Before you knew it, it was Thursday and time for the biggest hockey game of my life. The Maroons didn't seem to be too psyched up for the big game, but they came out ready to go nonetheless. Then all hell broke lose, and the Golden Shower decided it was time to rain on their parade. With a hat trick from Darrell Campana, and two goals and an assist from Your Olympic Hero, the Golden Shower stunned the Maroons, stunned themselves, and shocked the world, as they won the Championship and drank blue slush from the Vincent Scalamogna Memorial Cup.
To say it was surprising would be the understatement of the semester. We went from a bunch of half-assed slackers who didn't even care to a bunch of half-assed slackers who managed to win a few games. Here's the list of post-season awards:
~Co-MVPs (The Ken Davenport Award): Justin Goehring & Ralph Stoehr
~cutest kid (The G.C. Rice Award): George Clifford Rice IV
~#1 fan (Carla Scardino Award): Tina Newborn [sorry, Carla, you had it, but she stole it just by showing up in that shirt for our game against Boo-Hoo Blue]... by the way, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting the ORIGINAL Brookline Brawler, Tina Newborn, consider yourselves cursed.
~biggest goon (Sasha Lakovic Award): Ben Misko (103 penalty minutes in a 19-game season)
~most reckless (The Mick Foley Award presented by Centre Community Hospital): Kevin Nelson

As fun as it was, guys, let's not just sit back and quit: there's next year to prepare for and everyone's gonna be gunnin' for us. Drylands & film sessions start May 1st.

Well, if Thursday was the epitome of fun, then Friday was the complete opposite. While everyone else got to go out and get tanked and drink from the Cup, I spent the night DJ'ing. Occasional calls from my drunken friends helped, (including one where Carla asked red-faced Pat, "Where are we?" and Pat responded, "I don't know.") but the only thing that kept me going was looking forward to Pond Appreciation Day. In fact, at 6 a.m., after I was done at the radio station I went straight to Spring Creek to cast a few times and see how things were looking. After losing one hook and catching several twigs (I'm obviously no Jimmy Dance), I decided to go home and sleep for a few hours before what would be an unforgettable day.
Unfortunately, due to the rain, there was no fishing to be had on Pond Day. But fortunately, that left more time for beer drinking with Benni, Odie, Quinn, Dig, Hirt, Hank & Tommy. With the addition of Jackie, her two friends, Ryan Dedes, Bill Lippert, Dave Pasternak, Michael Klu, and Mary Beth Bielowicz, it was officially a party. And as everyone knows, you can't have a party on Fernwood Court without someone putting a hole in a wall. And at around 10:30, Your Olympic Hero & Odie did our best impersonations of Grade-A Assholes when I threw him up the steps and he put a giant dent in the wall of Misko's house with his shoulder. Pretty bad; I'd have to say it ranks right up there with the time I hip-checked Misko's car so hard I put a dent in it.
Now, the following account of what happened next is brought to you partially by me and partially by the several people who were nice enough to fill in the gaps in my memory caused by excessive drinking.
The Pond Day Crew, (from now on referred to as the PDC) along with Brandon Machi and his roommates (whose couch I've pissed on, by the way) decided to head to a party downtown. After more beer, we rolled out, the PDC several people lighter due to the temptations of the flesh. When the PDC walked in to some random frat, Your Olympic Hero was thoroughly trashed. However, I do remember dancing like it was Nineteen nine--... hold up it is. After more heavy alcohol consumption and a snub from the driver of the ES bus, which for some reason follows a completely different route at 3 am then it does at any other time, the PDC, now reduced to the Magnificent Seven (Your Olympic Hero, Bunns, Odie, Quinn, Tommy, Jackie, and Dig) grabbed a couple cabs and headed back to Pimp Central 2000 at Fernwood Court.
By 5 in the morn, I was fast asleep, only to be awakened at 10:30 today by some inconsiderate person turning on the TV and turning it up nice and loud.(Thank you, Megan Wible)
Then came schedule-making time; schedule-making time at Penn State is a hassle. You have to get up early, go to the computer lab, and pray to God that all the shit that was open at midnight the night before is still open. Well, I got lucky, because Your Olympic Hero will have Tuesdays and Thursdays completely off, and will be home by 4 o'clock every other day. With thrilling classes like "History of Theatre" and "World Religions", how can you go wrong?
So creeping up on this past weekend, things weren't looking too good. Hockey season was over, finals were quickly approaching, and I was going to have to work not only at the Beaver, but I'd also have to work both nights at the ice rink for the thrilling "Ice Rhythms" Ice Show. Now, I know several girls that ice skate, and yes, some of them are minors (but that's not the point), the point is, is that the music figure skaters skate to SUCKS ASS !!! I'm sorry, but if you're gonna dance around out there for 3 minutes, make it interesting; throw on a little Hendrix or some Metallica or something. Or throw a fat-assed girl out there and play "Back Dat Ass Up" while the Icers come out and take turns bangin' her; oh, wait, they've probably already done that to Devon off the ice; nevermind.
Anyway, one positive came out of my second year as an Ice Rhythms bitch. I got to play with walkie-talkies this year. And wow, was I impressed with the amusing shit we came up with. There were lots of good one-liners ("Hey, Ken, let me know when it gets cold in there.", and "Hey, Mazur, you gonna bang her?"), but my favorite, by far, was when I yelled "I'm all up in this like a tampon!" as some poor old woman walked past Ice Rhythms rookie Dan Bartman. She looked at Dan as if he had just pissed on someone's grave; she was mortified; and it was because of ME!!!!!


And that's your Sorley Update...

what?

What do you mean there's more???

oh.... I know what you want....

Some people have a "Rumor Mill", some people have Paul Falco stories, but I have C-Mack's predictions. So without further delay (and to insure this is the longest Sorley Update ever), I give you the extended version of "What Will Happen Next", or more commonly referred to as "What Would Jesus Do?.... if He Had a Sense of Humor"


"What Would Jesus Do?.... if He Had a Sense of Humor"
(Sorley's predictions for the next few weeks)

ALICIA GEORGE will insist on finding out who this "ORIGINAL Brookline Brawler", Tina Newborn is. Then we can sell it as wet t-shirt cat fight on pay-perview for $40 each and make millions.
AIMEE BOELTZ will randomly show up at Penn State again, and once again ask Misko where a good place to eat breakfast is. Mikso will once again respond with, "McDonald's."
ANDREA MESSING will still not have a driver's license and will still be teaching young figure skaters how to crash into each other like dominoes.
ANDY SMITH will set a record for consecutive days consuming alcohol at 4,329.
BALL, aka LOAF, aka PALLI PIKA will get drunk when we go fishing Saturday.
BENNI X will get drunk by himself Saturday.
BUCK will buy Penn State and rename the BJC the "Buck Kicinski Center", at which point only two different events will be allowed in: country concerts and Jimmy Buffett.
BUZZ will go to W&J like the big pussy he is and forsake the drunken traditions of Penn State.
CARLA will get into a three-way with her roommate and Chuch.
CHUCH (see above) Yes, it's true, it's true.
CUCC will replace Papi Chulo as the wrestler named "Essa Rios", at which point Kelsey O'Sullivan will replace "Lita".
DIG will lift
EXLER will get on Kristen Fedorek.
FALCE will eat Exler and Fedorek whole while they are getting on each other.
FITZY will chew more Cope. Then he will go to an outdoors show.
FRY will smoke more and more, thus working himself off the Campana line for next year's Golden Shower team.
FRED will go to Scotland and scare everyone over there, making that TWO countries where he scares lots of people.
FUZZ will start a boyband with me.
GEORGE CLIFFORD RICE IV will be voted the Lewistown Area Chamber of Commerce's "Man of the Millennium", citing a "notable lack of candidates" as to why they refuse to wait until the year 2999 to name the winner. GC will be given the key to the city (Reedsville, not Lewistown) for his efforts in bringing home the Vincent Scalamogna Memorial Cup for the Golden Shower.
GILLEN & his band of goons will get kicked out of their deck-hockey league for the same reason SWAA-ball was kicked out two years ago: everyone will get tired of being a joke.
GRIZZY CAKES will once again promise to come up to Penn State and will once again not show up.
HIRTBYSCO will officially be named the "Innovator of Fun" by the U.S. Department of Commerce and will be put in charge of innovating fun for the entire country. He will also lose his Latino heat.
CAPPACINO will kill the next person that calls him Cappacino.
JACKIE BINDYKE will go home for the summer and realize that life isn't the same without a hot boy in your life.
KERRI MARCHINSKY.... I don't know.... is this girl still alive? ....
COURTNEY KIJANKA will once again do absolutely nothing of any significance.
KNASKO will cut a deal with Satan to get out of hell for the whole Corky Thatcher t-shirt thing, but in return will have to testify about the time Fuzz beat up Dorky Dave.
KRESAK will get drunk and take off his clothes.
KRISTEN CANAVAN will get drunk and take off her clothes. (Sorry, Kres, but these two events will not happen simultaneously)
KRISTEN PISCIOTTA will get drunk and stumble home, forgetting along the way that she didn't bring home her friend Megan.
MEGAN WIBLE will get drunk, lose her friend Kristen, and get on some gay frat boy. She will then discover in the morning that it was Ron Gesthier, at which point she will kill herself.
LORI RUMP will forget about Schiebel ('cause he's dumb) and will take me to the BHS Senior Prom, making it my third year in a row.
MINDY HARMON will realize that she should have gone out with me three years ago when she had the chance. But now I am hot Mindy, so you lost your chance.
MINDY COLACITO will wonder why the hell she wanted to be put on this mailing list.
JEN MOORHOUSE will do the exact same thing.
NICOLE SMITH will have her prom infiltrated by the Class of 98.
PAT FUNG will be put in charge of the Youth Hockey programs, because Ty Newberry will leave after he figures out that he's only making about 63 cents an hour.
PHIL-ADELPHIA will duet with Christina Aguilera on the Spanish version of "Pimpin' Ain't Easy."
LARRY QUINN will run to St. Francis and back.
RALPH STOEHR will continue to make fun of me because I skate like an 8 year old.
ROBBIE GUNZ will get drunk every single day this summer, but will still fall 2,981 days short of Andy's record.
SARAH SPINOLA will go back to McKeesport and wish school had never ended; because she lives in Da 'Port.
SCOOT will finally meet Viscera, and Viscera will break Scottie's heart by out-eating Paul Falco in a wing-eating contest, 132-130.
SUZY QZY will wish she had never met me at 3 in the morning in the computer lab.
T-BLOOD will wonder why he's always last on this mailing list.


Ok, that's it now.
You can go back to your life or whatever it was you were just doing and interrupted for the ten minutes it took you to read that.