the long year
While my page may have lain dormant for some time, I can assure you my life has been anything but stagnant or dull. On the contrary, a lot of strange and very un-ordinary things have taken place.
Since I last wrote, several changes have occurred: I left my husband, Bob; taken a new apartment a mile from work; started dating; and applied for a job in San Diego - about as far from PA as one might get. So you could say I've been a little busy to write lately.
Despite how the above paragraph might sound, I am actually doing quite well. The separation was rather traumatic for me in the first few days. Understandable, since Bob and I have been together for 11 years and married for 6 of those. Even more traumatic and surprising, since I was the one who initiated it. Though we are still friends despite the fact we are now pursuing a divorce, I knew had we stayed together, we wouldn't have remained friends very long. I think I needed to leave to keep us both happy in whatever way we could be - my life wasn't going where I wished, and I was dragging Bob down with me. I miss his company, but I know things are better this way.
My new apartment is great, overlooking the river that runs through this small town and the dead steel factory that is rotting along it's banks. In the morning, the slowly gathering light is beautiful. I can't wait until the holidays are closer, when the bridge across the river is glowing with lights and the north side of town sparkles against the river flowing below my window. I am even used to the trains that awoke me at three a.m. the first night I slept here.
I've lived without a television for three months. I've not been bored, and really, have found time I didn't know I had. Granted, I'm not yet running or painting or working out as much as I had imagined, but I am doing tons of reading and talking to people on the phone, and writing articles. And working - that's the easy part when I love my job.
The job in San Diego - well, I'll just see about that. I wasn't sure about applying, since the position begins this academic year, and I don't like the idea of quitting mid-semester. But it's in sunny San Diego, and I'm free to go anywhere now. Of course, it doesn't help that not only did I send my application with a spelling mistake on it, that I think I screwed up the phone interview I got despite the spelling error, but that I just mailed a thank-you note that I also forgot to proofread. Sigh. Never mind the fact that I am a career counselor and tell students every day, "Proofread!"
And as far as traveling - well, so far I've been to San Diego and Phoenix this year, and in a few months, France. I'm going to Europe for the first time in my life. I'm really excited. I think Bob was surprised when I told him. He always did want to show me Barcelona, where he studied abroad for a year, but we never had the opportunity to go. We were either switching jobs, or just starting new ones, or there were too many clients to leave behind, or there wasn't enough money. I'm going with my friend, Andrew, and that is another story, too.
I've been dating Andrew almost since the moment I moved out of the house. I met him this summer, and ran into him again just before my vacation to San Diego. But when he walked into my office the Wednesday after I'd moved out, and asked me for a date, I was a little flustered. I accepted his offer before I realized it was a date, and then was too flustered to change my mind.
Since then, we've dated quite a bit, and I've grown very fond of him. I think I am afraid of falling in love too soon, and he knows he's the "first" since leaving Bob, and I think he is being cautious, too. In this regard I'm 18 again - the last time I actually "dated." Though I think he's scared of me breaking his heart, I think maybe I'm scared of that same thing. And, I think I'm scared of repeating the same patterns over and over - losing myself in another person, becoming too comfortable and not making an effort to have a life or friends of my own, or being in love just because it feel good and it's safe. I want to do this right.
I think that though things are going well, there is a lot I need to accomplish. I still need to go out and make more friends. My coworkers are watching over me, and they are some of my best friends, but I don't want to rely solely on them, either. My family is supportive, but perhaps confused, though they took the news of my separation well. The things I wanted to integrate into my life - running, exercise, painting, reading, joining clubs - still need work.
And, it's the holidays. For the first time in about 8 or 9 years, I won't be spending Thanksgiving with Bob's family. We used to do both families every year - I would cook dinner for my family the day before, then on Thursday, Bob and I would drive to Nana and Pa's for his family's dinner. Christmas was the same way.
I think it's a little hard because I miss Bob's family. And while my sister and mother feel comfortable calling Bob on the phone, and he's called them too - I don't feel that I ought to contact his family at all. Being the instigator, the one who brought all this pain to his family, I'm just not sure that calling to wish them "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Merry Christmas" is the appropriate thing to do.
Bob's family was in some ways my family too. I really loved, and still love, his parents and grandparents. His brothers were like my brothers. So though I'm doing OK in terms of thinking well of Bob during this holiday season, it's his family that I really miss. So, Nana and Pa and Gram and Pa, I hope that maybe you know somehow, that I am thinking of you, and that I am hoping you are thinking, even just a little, about me.
Email: artofbeinghuman@yahoo.com