GSW Report

GSW-UCW: Faceoff at the First Star
Rhea Forum, Saturn

(live feed from Rhea, Saturn, Kenny Lightyear and Morpheus are joining us for the commentary of this GSW/UCW joint card.)

Kenny Lightyear: Welcome everybody, to the biggest event in professional sports history! It’s the faceoff between two major feds in this galaxy, our very own Universe Class Wrestling against the GSW promotion, Greater System Wrestling!
Morpheus: But of course, everyone knows that we’re going to win!
Lightyear: Anyway, let’s take you down to ringside where Commissioners Hooker and Carter are currently waiting to speak.

The commissioners thank the fans in attendance, and state the stipulations of tonight’s card. Though GSW champion, “The Extremist” Eddie Dean, has yet to appear at the arena, both commissioners throw out the extra incentive that tonight Star Warrior’s UCW belt will be on the line.

Commissioner Carter: On behalf of the front office of the Universe Class Wrestling promotion, I just want to thank all of you loyal UCW fans that made the trek out here with us, and you GSW fans who came out of your homes to watch us tonight for being here with us.
Commissioner Hooker: Let’s get ready to rassle!

Wolf vs. Von Braun. These two savage wrestlers get their match underway down the aisleway, and slowly reaches back inside the ring. Niether man uses an intelligent wrestling move during the first few minutes, but tries to outbrawl the other. Von Braun puts Wolf down on the mat first with a chained fist punch. However, Wolf manages to roll out of Von Braun’s grasp and out of the ring, where Von Braun follows him. Wolf backdrops his charging opponent over the guardrail, and the two continue fighting in the stands. Security tries to hold the fans back, but as Von Braun moves out of the way, Wolf inadvertantly clobbers a security officer with the Wolf Skullcrusher. The fans swarm all over the two brawling beasts as the ref tries to get them back inside...

Morpheus: ...isn’t much of a wrestling match...
Lightyear: But it’s every bit of a war!
Morpheus: Look! Von Braun just whips Wolf into the guardrail and back on over!
Lightyear: Von Braun is stomping all over Wolf now as he rolls him back inside...
Morpheus: Von Braun comes in himself, but Wolf comes to life, and... here’s the SAVAGE FACE CLAW! He’s got it locked on tight!
Lightyear: Von Braun is tapping! Von Braun is tapping! Wolf wins!
Morpheus: That’s UCW-1, GSW-0!

In the back, the Gladiators are giving their opinions of their upcoming match against the Illusionaries, in a showdown between the two federations’ tag team champs.

Massacre: The way I see it, I always did bend Amorphous into that human pretzel that fucker is, and Diplopia, I think he sees more double-vision than either of us, right Brute?
Brute: The way I see it, we kicked their asses out of UCW when they were here, we’ll kick their asses out of GSW now that they’re there!
Massacre: That’s right Brute. We kicked their asses before we had our cleansing, imagine what we could do to them now!

The Gladiators (UCW tag champs) vs. The Illusionaries (GSW tag champs) [non-title match]. This is mostly a cat and mouse game, where the Gladiators were trying to catch the Illusionaries for most of the time. It is apparent that the gameplan of the Illusionaries is to tire out the Gladiators, but out of nowhere, Tex Remington delivers the LONE STAR LARIAT on Amorphous outside of the ring, allowing Amorphous to fall into Brute’s grasp. Brute clutches on a tight bear hug as he tags his partner...

Lightyear: ...And here comes Massacre!
Morpheus: And it’s going to be a massacre!
Lightyear: Massacre off to the ropes, it’s the DECAPITATOR!
Morpheus: Nobody gets up from that one!
Lightyear: ...1...2...3! The Glads win!
Morpheus: Two for us, none for them!

In the back, Spike is ready to give some prematch comments, when visible in the camera is a hooded man with a pitchfork that takes out Spike from behind!

Lightyear: ...Well, I guess we’re starting this match early!
Morpheus: No fair! He’s not even in the aisle yet!

Spike vs. Dogma. The number one problem between running the matches between UCW and GSW thus far is the lack of following the rules by the GSW wrestlers. The match begins officially in the backstage set, with Dogma using the cameras and anything else he can get ahold of against his opponent. Spike comes back with a head rammer through the door and into the hallways. Dogma then runs down the corridor as Spike chases after him, but right as Spike enters through the ramp, Dogma runs him over with a pitchfork clothesline into the audience. The audience is screaming loudly, as Dogma prepares to dive onto Spike. He hits the move, and the crowd is ecstatic. Dogma attempts to hang Spike by the neck behind his back with the pitchfork, but Spike kicks off of a vending machine to flip over and deliver a deadly neckbreaker. The two finally bring the match into the ring, though it’s still every bit as violent and bloody as it had been. Spike’s face pain is covered by a huge cut on his right brow, while Dogma has bloodstains all over his costume. Dogma grounds Spike and attempts the MISERY MACHINE twice, but Spike reaches the ropes both times...

Morpheus: ...Dogma is not playing this match fair! I can’t believe that Carter is allowing this to go on...
Lightyear: Dogma comes up, and is climbing up the top rope with his pitchfork!
Morpheus: Great, what’s he up to now?
Lightyear: Flying clothesline with the pitchfork! Dogma with the cover ...1...2...3!
Morpheus: I’m not going to count that one!

In the next segment, the nWo music plays, and out parades the renewed world order. “Hollywood Hunk” Huggins in all of his arrogance comes out with Da Macho Guy close behind with Liza on his shoulders. The two rant on about how they failed to make the card lineup, and refuse to leave the arena until they have a match. This draws out Commissioner Hooker, who fines and suspends them before Carter sends several UCW wrestlers not involved in the card have to chase them out.

Jackson Fury vs. Mayhem. Both men are willing to take this match to the hardcore from the opening bell, as both men start things off intensely and refuse to back down from their opponent. Very few wresting moves shown here either, but rather collisions of some sort, whether it be body with body, fist to face, or head to foreign object. Fury at one point takes up his ice pick and slashes Mayhem brutally across the face, but Mayhem seems to enjoy the pain, and fights back all of the same. Then after a DANGER DROP, Fury goes out to the ring and crawls underneath the apron for a minute, giving Mayhem a chance to slowly recover. Mayhem rolls out into the ring, but Fury pops his head out in time, with a flaming chair in his hand...

Lightyear: ...Oh my god! Someone get that burning chair away from Fury!
Morpheus: He shouldn’t be playing with fire like that!
Lightyear: I agree. If he had been a UCW wrestler, he’d be fired for that kind of stuff!
Morpheus: But Mayhem kicks the chair into Fury’s face, and now it’s been dropped!
Lightyear: Fury fights back and knocks Mayhem backwards. He picks up the chair and he smashes it right over Mayhem’s forehead. Mayhem retreats into the crowd, and Fury follows suit!
Morpheus: That Fury is an idiot!
Lightyear: Fury follows after Mayhem, but Mayhem just grabbed someone’s beer bottle and splashes beer on to the chair! The fire is spreading! Someone stop the match!

As the ring attendants try to take care of the situation with the flames erupting in the stands, we are given notice that Eddie Dean has still not arrived on the scene. Hooker is seen worrying about the main event.

Meanwhile, Star Warrior is interviewed and gives some disparaging comments toward his would-be opponent. Star Warrior calls Eddie Dean a coward for not showing up, and claims that Dean has “no sense of decency whatsoever” by pulling this stunt...

Star Warrior: “...I would have liked to see who was the better man between me and him, and I would even have put up my belt if that was necessary, but what Dean is trying to do is simply classless, and he’s showing to all the world that he’s not a champion at all. He’s a coward.

As the flames have just been fully extinguished out at ringside, the attendants signal that they will soon be ready to hold the next match. First, however, we receive comments from Thantos on his opponent, Mighty Grogan, a man he knew well several years ago when Grogan was in UCW. Thantos: “...You see, let me educate these neophytic morons who don’t know the history between Grogan and I. Back when I made my infamous conversion to the dark side, Grogan did not condone it, so he and I fought one another, until I won the loser-leaves-UCW match that has sent him packing ever since. And now that we meet again, Grogan is a lot older, and I’m a lot better. This is going to be fun... for me. Ha!”

Thantos vs. Mighty Grogan. For the first time on the card, we have a traditional wrestling match that takes place inside of the ring with real wrestling holds. However, Thantos pulls some classic dirty tricks on the former Olympic medal winner, and cuts out ahead against Grogan early on. Grogan comes back with a countermove, and manages to execute a unique-styled suplex on Thantos, but fails to keep him on the ground. Thantos gets the escape, and knocks Grogan down on the mat with a Satanic Skull Smasher, that knocks Grogan clear into next Wednesday...

Morpheus: That’s my boy! Kicking the boots to a man that I’ve always hated!
Lightyear: Look, and Thantos just gave you a nod!
Morpheus: He knows how much it pleasures me to see him dominating over Grogan like this! I competed against this man for years before I retired.
Lightyear: And there’s the MASTERLOCK, right in the center of the ring! Will Grogan tap?
Morpheus: He’d better, if he plans to be able to walk tomorrow morning!
Lightyear: Grogan taps! Thantos wins this encounter!

Chaos vs. Kanazawa. The two superstars come out to overwhelming pops here (though Chaos did get some boos as he was a former JAW superstar before jumping ship to UCW), as they put on a show that does not disappoint the crowd. Going all out during the first few minutes, both men tire out and take a slower pace later in the match, as they try to outlast the other man in terms of endurance. Both men play a ground game of technicality, as they wait for the other man to make a mistake. However, the BOW OF DEFEAT is not enough for Chaos to keep Kanazawa down long enough, who manages to squeeze out of his predicament by leaping up and executing a victory roll out of the ring. Amazingly, a larger portion remains inside the ring than out of it, though there were tables breaking and chairs swinging as well. However, neither man can keep the other down long enough to take a victory. Though both wrestle somewhat conservatively, they inflict the maximum amound of damage possible in their situation, and truly display a great deal of heart in this match...

Lightyear: ...And these two are still going at it, Chaos and Kanazawa!
Morpheus: This isn’t going to end until one of them drops dead!
Lightyear: But wait, Kanazawa just hit the Hotshot on Chaos! He’s got him set up for the HELL’S RUN!
Morpheus: Chaos had better get out of there fast!
Lightyear: ...And a well-executed guillotine leg drop off the top rope by Kanazawa! The question is will that be enough to keep the Man of Power down?
Morpheus: Chaos looks kind of out of it. The ref lays the count ...1...2... kickout! But the ref calls for the bell. What the hell!?
Lightyear: I have been informed that this match has been declared a time-limit draw, as these two continue to slug it out amongst themselves!

Matador of M83 (UCW Interplanetary champ) vs. Deacon (former GSW champ). The match picks up its pace from the last one, as the agility and quickness of the Matador forces Deacon to match the same. Both men execute their moves, but it is the Matador Death Run that pulls the advantage towards the Matador for the first time in the match. Deacon fights back however, and stays deeply in the contest, when a Dominator and a Titan Drop appear to be all she wrote for the Matador, when the champion from M83 displays his own resiliency by kicking out as well. Deacon misses in on the turnbuckle, allowing the Matador to capitalize with a one-legged karate kick, but as he goes up to the top rope, Deacon manages to catch him with a fist to the bread basket to straddle the UCW champion up top. Deacon executes the ALTAR CALL and appears to have the match won...

Lightyear: ...and the ref out of position rushes to make the count...
Morpheus: What’s Rogue doing on the apron?
Lightyear: The ref admonishes Rogue for making trouble, and Scourge comes up on the other side and strikes Deacon over the head with his staff!
Morpheus: Deacon is unaffected! He turns around to face Scourge! The hell is wrong with the guy, is he human?
Lightyear: Deacon grabs Scourge by his garbs...
Morpheus: But the Matador recovers and delivers the BULLWHIP on Deacon!
Lightyear: The referee gets in position ...1...2...3! Matador wins!

The UCW/GSW personnel continues to wait for Eddie Dean, but cannot seem to find him. They wait a few minutes, as the cameras take opinions from the crowd about the Eddie Dean situation, before returning to ringside to announce Star Warrior as the winner of the main event as of result of a forfeit.

Star Warrior steps down to the ring, thinking that he has the forfeit, and takes the GSW title when Eddie Dean drops from the roof behind Star Warrior and pearl harbors him. Dean strikes Star Warrior with both belts, before delivering a double-arm DDT on the GSW belt, and cleans house by throwing Star Warrior out of the ring. Supposedly the match is now under way.

Star Warrior (UCW champ) vs. Eddie Dean (GSW champ) [title for title]. Eddie Dean maintains no limits in this match, as he breaks nearly every rule in the book, and to Commissioner Carter’s chagrin, the crowd loves every bit of it. So the ref allows it to go along while Star Warrior is trying to scrap for himself throughout the entire match. Dean spends just as much time outside of the ring as he does inside, hitting a neckbreaker over the steel guardrail and a piledriver through a table on Star Warrior, while Star Warrior resorts to choking Dean with the cable wires as well. A Tomohawk Thrust seems to put Dean down for a second, but the “Extremist” comes back with a flurry of punches that backs Star Warrior into the turnbuckle. Dean gives out a “Ohhhhyeahhhbabbyyyy!” before hitting a monkey flip that sends Star Warrior flying to the other end of the ring...

Morpheus: ...For this one match, I root for the “other” side, because Star Warrior happens to be the son of... Omega.
Lightyear: That’s terrible! Don’t you realize that if Star Warrior loses, Dean becomes the UCW champion?
Morpheus: Here it goes though, Dean picks up Star Warrior from the other side of the ring... awesome leg strenghth!
Lightyear: If I’m not mistaken, he’s setting up for the EXTREME PLUNGE! Yes! And he plants Star Warrior down hard. The ref lays the count, and the fans are counting along with him ...ONE...TWO...THREE! Eddie Dean wins! Eddie Dean wins!

Dean then takes his trash can and places it in the corner as Commissioners Hooker and Carter award him both belts. Dean then takes both of the belts and dumps them into his trashcan like he did before. He takes the microphone and covers his eyes with his goggles...

Dean: Cut the music! (We love you Rude!) I said before that I would never again represent a crummy promotion like the GSW, and goddamnit I’m sticking with what I say. Now you give me this piece of trash called the UCW belt, and I’m about to do with it what should be done, throw the goddamn piece of shit away. Take them away, strip me of them, I don’t want them! But as for me showing up for this match, it is so that I can take great pleasure in informing you that I have been named the first champion of the new Outer Limits Wrestling promotion! You heard me right, Eddie Dean is not the GSW champ no more, he is the OLW champ, and this is the only championship belt in the galaxy that is worth defending for... You all seem a little bit confused. Let me bring on the new OLW commissioner to explain things to you. Get your ass up here, Hooker!

Hooker: You hear him right, from this day forth, the promotion that I own is no longer the Greater System Wrestling promotion, but will be renamed the Outer Limits Wrestling effective immediately! And here is your first ever OLW champion, “The Extremist” Eddie Dean!

(Bombtrack by Rage Against the Machine plays, as the crowd celebrates, while Carter looks stunned and betrayed as we fade to black.)

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