Urusai Ranma! : I'm Lum the Notorious!

Ranma Saotome idly leaned against a building, his hands in his pockets. The weather was fair; no sign of rain, which was quite unusual for Nerima. Things were slow at the dojo; P-chan was lost, and neither Ranma nor Akane had been in much of a fighting mood lately. Even his other various fiances and rivals seemed to have reached a brief lull in their schemes.

Ranma sighed. Things were actually... you could almost say... boring lately. Mabye I’ll drop by Ucchan’s, or even the Nekohanten...

Of course, a house pet seated in the window above him chose that exact moment to knock over a vase of flowers. The next thing Ranma-chan knew, her face was planted in the sidewalk, with flowers sprouting from the broken porcelain in her hair.

“Kuso,” she moaned, struggling to her feet and beginning to wring out her clothes. “This happens way more often than it ought-AAHH!” She jumped about three feet in the air when she saw what stood before her.

A shrunken old man, not unlike Happosai, bald and wearing a monkish hat. He carried a staff curled like a question mark, hung with ornaments.

“Who are you, and how the hell did you sneak up on me!?” Ranma yelled.

The old man’s hat turned inside out, and his whiskers straightened in an exaggerated fashion. “Your face, Ojousan! It’s hopelessly horrible.”

“...”

Ranma wasn’t above beaning him over the head for that one.

“... Actually, what I meant to say was that you have tremendously unlucky facial features,” the monk moaned from his place in the asphalt.

“Whatever. What would you know?” Ranma turned to leave.

“Wait!,” the monk cried. “You must not go in that direction. Something horrible will happen to you!”

Ranma snorted contemptuously. “Yeah right.”

The old man watched her as she turned to go. “What an unfortunate young woman. I hope nothing evil happens to her... but I’ll say her last rites anyway.”

“There she is,” the man said. “Saotome Ranma, sir.”

“Boy’s clothes,” the other said, stroking his mustache. “Too big, and wet. Red hair in a pigtail. She fits one of the descriptions. Definately her.”

Ranma eyed the black car as it pulled up next to her. The windows were tinted, so she couldn’t make out anything within. Now what?

A door opened, and Ranma could see a man with a hat pulled down over his face, nothing visible but a shaggy gray mustache. “Ranma Saotome? We have urgent business, hop in.”

“Hey, who the hell are you?” Ranma asked suspiciously. “And how do you know my name?”

“Hop in,” the man repeated, “All will be explained soon.” Ranma thought about it for all of a second. She was bored, and these guys weren’t martial artists, she could tell. Besides, they sounded serious.

Ranma got in the car, and they drove off. She realized they were headed for the Tendou Dojo, and as the car swerved down narrow streets, helicopters were keeping pace overhead. She started to get nervous.

She was just about to ask what this was all about when the came upon the dojo. It was surrounded by tanks, soldiers, and helicopters. The place was crawling with them.

Ranma lept out of the car and sprinted for the dojo. Throwing open the sliding door she called, “Hey, is everybody oka- huh?”

[Ranma m’boy] Genma-panda signed. [It’s about time you got here.]

“Wha- wha..?”The entire Tendou household was gathered near the doorway, waiting for him apparently. P-chan had been found, and was at the moment nestled in Akane’s arms. Their expressions ranged from irritated to amused.

“What’s going on? And what’s with the G. I. Joe squad outside?” Ranma barely noticed Kasumi pouring the contents of a kettle over his head.

“Why don’t you take a look in the other room Ranma?” Nabiki suggested, amused. “See for yourself.”

Ranma suspiciously walked past her and peered around the doorway. He jumped so high he cracked his head soundly on the frame. He was so stunned he barely noticed the mustached secret agent come up behind him. “We have a lot to talk about. Allow me to introduce our guest. This is Mr. Invader, from beyond the galaxy.”

Squeezed into the living room was about the biggest, most heavy set guy Ranma had ever seen. He wore a tiger skin suit on his massive frame, and two tusk like fangs protruded from the bottom of his mouth. Little yellow horns adorned the top of his head. Despite all this, his face was held a mild and pleasant expression.

Ranma was at the moment frozen in the Takahashi gesture of shock.

“That’s right my boy. I’m Mr. Invader. Nice to meet ya.” He handed Ranma a card.

“Uh... likewise.” A chibi Mr. Invader smiled up at him from the card.

“Patrol #3 to Command Center! The electric magnetic field above the Tendou Dojo is increasing, over!”

“Roger! Maintain surveillance, over!”

“So, you’re saying I gotta fight this guy?” Ranma asked, squinting up at the grinning oni.

“His people have given us a condition regarding their invasion of earth,” Mustache explained. “The inhabitant of the earth that their computer has randomly chosen, in other words YOU, gets to have a match with him, and if he loses...”

“We go home in peace,” Mr. Invader completed.

“Well,” said Ranma, grinning broadly, “Luckily for earth, the best martial artist around was chosen.” Various groans around the room.

“Well...” Mustache began, but was interrupted when the floor began to rumble and shake.

Everybody except Mr. Invader rushed for the window. A gigantic shadow was slowly spreading across Nerima. Ranma gasped when he saw why. What must be the Alien mothership was passing over the dojo, its tiger striped form blotting out the sun.

There was an explosion in the middle of the room, throwing everyone to the walls. A beam of light filled the living room, and out stepped...

“An oni girl?” Ranma asked, confused. Akane began to fume. The girl was wearing a tiger print bikini, and knee-high tiger print boots. Her hair style reminded Ranma of Shampoo’s, except it was sea green, not purple. Two stub horns protruded from the top of her head.

“Sorry to keep you waiting-t'cha. I’m your opponent, Lum.”

“Yessir,” said Mr. Invader, proudly. “This is my daughter, Lum.”

“I’m supposed to fight a girl?!” Ranma asked, dismayed.

“No, no, no,” Mr. Invader assured. “If you can grab her horns in a 10 day game of tag, you win.”

“Ah,” Ranma said, grinning, “That’ll be easy. She can’t possibly be faster than me.”

“Don’t be so sure,” Lum said, smiling, “I’m not easy to catch-t'cha.”

“Ranma,” Akane growled, “So your going off to chase this oni girl for ten days! A pervert like you would probably get ideas into his head!”

“Ah, what do you know? I’m going to save the world. Of course, a tomboy like you wouldn’t understand.”

Before Akane could retort, a hoard of reporters rushed into the dojo, asking a million questions at once.

“Eh?!”

Ranma stood, poised and ready. Lum stood opposite him, bouncing up and down in a couple of warm up excercises. Her face maintained a secretive smile. Slightly disturbed by this, Ranma did a few katas. He’d had no idea so many people would be there, cheering wildly behind tape marking the border of the tag zone. He couldn’t even see Pop and the Tendous anymore, or various other fiances and rivals he knew had heard about this whole thing by now.

“GET READY! GET SET! GO!” Roared a voice over a loud speaker. Ranma raced for Lum, intending to grab her horns straight off, when...

Suddenly she wasn’t there.

He heard gasps from the audience, and looked up. She was flying. She showed off, twisting in the air, and finally landed lightly on the ground a distance away from him.

Ranma felt like the world was crashing down around his ears. “You... you... you can fly!?”

"I can see you didn't do your homework, t'cha" she giggled, and skipped off. Ranma narrowed his eyes and raced after her.

All day she teased him. He’d get so close he could feel the hair around the horns, and then she’d be gone. No matter how high he jumped, she could fly higher. He tried taking to the roof tops to take her by surprise, but she was unfazed. He tried transforming to make himself faster, but the lack of reach really cost him. All in all, things were looking bad.

Ranma sighed, staring morosely at the TV screen. The day was over, and he hadn’t even come close to catching Lum. He needed advice. His pride wouldn’t let him go to any of his rivals, at least not yet. All Pop would do was rag on him. Akane was a land mine waiting to happen, from watching Ranma chase the oni girl all day. And Kasumi would just smile and tell him it would be all right. He had some money on him though. Nabiki.

Ranma knocked hesitantly on the door. “Come in,” Nabiki called. Ranma went inside. She was sitting at her desk, shuffling papers. She smirked when she watched him come in. “Well if it isn’t the oni hunter himself. Let me guess, your interested in what your doing wrong?”

“I don’t know what to do Nabiki. It’s not just this tag race thing. It’s my whole life. Why do things like this always happen to me?”

“Well Ranma,” Nabiki said seriously, “The thing about you is that you let your difficulties sit and accumulate. You should use this whole tag race thing as an opportunity to concentrate on solving all your problems, in quick succession. Motivation, if you will.”

“Hey,” said Ranma. “I never thought of it that way.”

Nabiki smiled. “That’ll be 5000 yen.”

It had been 5 days since the beginning of the tag race. Lum was just as airborne, and Ranma’s efforts were just as futile. He was getting desperate.

“So Ryouga,” he began. “Say you were me. And you had to catch this flying oni girl. How exactly would you go about that.”

“Well Ranma,” Ryouga began from across the furo. “Normally I would eat pork before helping you. But seeing as how the fate of the world is at stake, I’ll make an exception.”

“Gee, thanks,” Ranma said sourly.

“Try trapping her,” Ryouga suggested. “So she can’t fly away.”

“Hmmmm...”

Ranma grinned as he crept along. She leaned idly against a fence, looking into the canal. He leaned out of the tree above her, planning to drop down on her when... her feet were suddenly planted on his head, and he was barreling into the canal.

And soon as Ranma-chan got home, she decked P-chan.

“Hey old ghoul, you know where Mousse is?” Ranma asked, his face stuffed with ramen. He nervously eyed Shampoo, who was currently gazing at him with adoration.

*Bop* Cologne hit him over the head and evenly questioned, “And what would you want to know that for son-in-law?”

“Oh... er... just some stuff about this whole tag race thing,” Ranma shrugged, nonchalant.

Cologne nodded in acquiescence, and left the room. She returned with a struggling Muu Muu by the neck.

After Mousse had changed back, dressed, attempted to glomp Shampoo and been pounded for it, Ranma cleared his throat. “Er... Shampoo? Can I talk to Mousse now? You know, man to man?”

Shampoo beamed. “Shampoo understand, airen finally set Stupid Mousse straight. Though why say Duck Boy man, Shampoo no know.” She sniffed contemptuously at Mousse and left the room.

“What do your want Saotome? If it’s a twisted claim to the heart of my Shampoo, I-”

“Nah, nah, nah, nothin’ like that,” Ranma interrupted carelessly. “It’s about this whole tag race thing. If you were in my place, how would you like, you know, deal with it?”

After giving him a suspicious stare, Mousse thought about it. “Take her by surprise, with unforseen weaponry. Lassos, suction cup guns, you name it. If you’re quick enough, you can pluck her out of the air.”

“Hmmm...”

Ranma pressed up against the brick wall, hardly daring to breath. She was right around the corner on the other side, he just knew it. Here goes, he thought and barreled around the corner.

“KYAA!” He cried, swinging the lasso in his right fist. He felt the lasso tighten. I got her! Elated, he pulled frantically. And she pulled back.

“WAAHHH!” He screamed as he hurtled into the air. He could see Lum just ahead, looking like she was having the time of her life, towing him all around the Nerima sky.

Stupid Mousse.

“Ranma-sama!” Kodachi squealed, throwing herself into his arms. “You’ve come to visit me in my humble abode! Do come in!”

“Uh... well, I actually came to...” He struggled to get the words out. “... ask Kunou about something.”

“Saotome you fiend! How dare you pollute the sanctity of my homestead with your foul presence!” Kunou came barreling down the staircase prepared to deliver his dose of “divine retribution.”

Ranma decided he had to nip this in the bud if he was going to get anywhere. “Now wait just a minute!” He said frantically. He dodged out of the doorway, Kodachi in tow just as the bokken came down.

“Uh... the fate of the world is at stake!” Kunou paused, considering this announcement as Ranma pried Kodachi’s arms off. “I believe I recall such a crises. That such a task should be placed on your lowly shoulders is an affront to champions, such as myself, the world over! I suppose you’ve come to beg my aid in the taming of the green-haired oni princess.”

“Her, I haven’t come to beg nothin’!” Ranma cried defensively. “I just... you know... want a fourth opinion!”*wince*

“Well if you must know, the only true and chivalrous way to win over a lady is to woo her in a fashion befitting her loveliness and feminine delicacy. Take my beloved pig-tailed girl for examp-”

Ranma knocked him out with his unattended bokken, and then considered his suggestion.

“Hmmm....”

“Um..., Lum?” The oni girl paused as she hovered over telephone pole that Ranma was currently balancing on.

“Yes,” she said, keeping at a safe distance.

“These are for you,” he said handing her a clump of flowering weeds that looked for all the world as if they had been ripped from the ground mid-run.

“Oh!” She cried softly, her eyes becoming saucers. “For me? They’re beautiful-t'cha!” She drifted a little closer.

Now, Ranma thought, and made a leap for her closest, booted foot.

She hugged the flowers close to herself, and lifted her feet to kick in joy. Her eyes closed, she didn’t see Ranma just miss his intended target, to plummet headfirst to the ground below.

Wooing... just ain’t my thing.

“Hi Ranchan!” Ukyou cried, looking up from an okonomiyaki in mid-flip. “Hi Ucchan,” Ranma said smiling at her. She instantly started on a Super-Duper Deluxe Okonomiyaki. “Sorry Ucchan, but I don’t got time to stay long. I gotta...” He suddenly dove for an extra stool he knew hadn’t been there the previous day. “Gotcha!”

The stool suddenly sprouted arms, legs, and a head. Tsubasa glared at him. “What do you want? I was just about to claim my undying love for-”

“Ooo... Tsubasa!” Ukyou prepared to spatula him into low earth orbit.

“Wait Ucchan!” Ranma said quickly. “I gotta ask him somethin’.” Tsubasa and Ukyou both blinked.

Ranma coughed uncomfortably. “You know, man to man?”

Ukyou hmmphed irritably and went to get some more deluxe ingredients from the back room.

“Look, Tsubasa,” Ranma began, “I’m having a... little bit of trouble with this whole tag race thing. Do you like, you know, have any... um...”

“Suggestions?”

“Yeah.”

“Even though it’s against my better nature to help my arch enemy, in otherwords you, the fate of the world takes precedence. Go undercover as something else, then tag her when she gets close enough.”

“Hmmm...”

“Excuse me deary,” The old lady said in creaky voice.

“Hm?”

Lum landed lightly next to the bent over old woman, whose face was obscured by a faded shawl.

“May I help you-t'cha?”

“I seem to have dropped my handkerchief. I get so clumsy in my old age...”

“It’s okay-t'cha,” Lum said, stooping over.

Eyes twinkling, the deceiving “old woman” made a grab at the top of Lum’s head.

“Here you go-t'cha,” Lum said straightening. Unfortunately, the woman happened to have been standing on the handkerchief Lum was holding onto. She went head over heels. And of course, into the nearby canal. When Lum looked, the woman was gone.

“Earth people-t'cha.” She shrugged.

Last on my list of humiliating people to ask for advice Ranma thought sullenly. He settled on the tree branch and waited. Sure enough, out of Akane’s window crept the old lech, his bag loaded with panties. He hadn’t sensed him yet.

“What a haul, what a haul!” He whispered gleefully. Ranma rolled his eyes and took a deep breath.

“HEY OLD LECH!” Ranma yelled across the yard. Happosai actually jumped.

“Shhh! You’ll ruin my haul!”

“Look, I gotta ask you somethin’!”

“Sure thing,” Happosai said, cackling maniacly as he hopped over to Ranma’s tree. Ranma jumped down. He dodged the glass of water he knew was coming.

“Rats,” pouted Happosai.

“This is serious!” Ranma insisted. “I got one more day to save the world! I gotta grab those horns!”

“WHAT!” cried Happosai, tears flowing freely, “No more world, no more lovely ladies, no more lacy lingerie!”

“Whatever,” said Ranma, “Will ya help me?”

Happosai listened attentively to Ranma’s narrative of the problem.

“Ranma my boy,” Happosai chuckled, “The problem is that you’ve been aiming for the wrong portion of a lovely, alien babe’s anatomy.”

Happosai looked about as if what he was about to disclose was a great conspiracy, and whispered into Ranma’s ear.

“Hm- what am I saying!? No way!!! That’s got to be the dumbest idea so far!! I’m not a pervert like you!”

“Think about it,” Happosai cackled. “In the mean time...” He pulled a glass of water out of thin air and doused Ranma with it. “SWEETO!”

After Ranma had thoroughly creamed the pervert and punted him into LEO, she retired to the roof to think. She stared up at the night sky, and the stars winking down on her. Would the night look different, once a fleet of alien spaceships filled the sky?

She remembered Nabiki’s advice. The thing about you is that you let your difficulties sit and accumulate. You should use this whole tag race thing as an opportunity to concentrate on solving all your problems, in quick succession. Motivation, if you will.

“I’ve gotta win this thing,” she whispered grimly. “Ranma Saotome doesn’t lose.”

“HERE WE HAVE IT FOLKS! THE LAST DAY OF THE BIG RACE! THE FATE OF THE WORLD RESTS ON THIS YOUNG MAN’S SHOULDERS!”

Ranma grimly faced his opponent, Lum, not unlike the first day of the race. This was it, now or never.

She, smiled as she stood before him, hands on her hips.

“GET MARK! GET SET! GO!”

Ranma stood there. The crowd murmured in confusion. Lum looked uncertain.

Ranma struck a pose. “Behold the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts Exposed-Underwear- Snatching Style Martial Arts!” Lum blinked. “Attack of the Blatantly Obvious, Brassiere Snatching, Bikini Top Bandit!”

With a series of impressive lightening fast hand motions, Ranma had in his fist what Lum hadn’t even considered needing to protect... her tiger print bikini top.

A look of horror spread across Lum’s face. “Give it back!” She shrieked, “Give me back my only outfit!” Covering her chest she flew for her bra as Ranma held it away, and just as she grabbed the bra... Ranma grabbed her horns. The crowd roared

“YES!” Ranma crowed, as Lum sat, stunned. “I got her!!! I won!!! I’m a winner!!! Nabiki was right! All I gotta do now is take care of this marriage business and then-”

“Oh. I get it,” Lum said, calm now. “Okay, if you insist, I’ll marry you-t'cha.”

“Wha-what!” Ranma froze in the process of pumping his fists into the air, shocked. “I... I didn’t...”

“Darling,” Lum cooed, throwing her arms arms around his neck.

“Darling?” Ranma repeated, dumbly.

“On my planet,” She whispered in his ear, “Marriage proposals are sacred-t'cha. I’ll dedicate the rest of my life for loving you forever and ever-t'cha.” Her voice grew dangerous. “But if you cheat on me...”

She grabbed his hand, squeezed her eyes tight, and jolted him with electricity.

“AAHH!” Ranma screamed as he was lifted off the ground from the lightening charges.

“RANMA!” A familiar voice screamed at him in fury. A very singed Ranma turned to see Akane, who also had smoke coming out of her ears. He realized too late that Lum was still topless, and still hugging him for all he was worth.

“It isn’t... it’s not...” He protested weakly.

“You... you... YOU... ARRGH,” She seemed to double in size. “WORDS CAN’T DESCRIBE...!”

Ranma’s eyes widened in fear as she pulled out the mother of all mallets. It eclipsed the sun.

“DIE PERVERT!”

In the midst of the cheering tumult that looked upon Ranma Saotome's victory and marriage declaration, a diminutive monk stood. He bowed his head, hands as if in prayer.

"This is fate," he said with mock solemnity.

Nabiki looked up from her work at the knock on the door. “Come in,” she called. Her bored expression became amused as Ranma entered the room, sporting a massive bandage on his head and a beaming alien riding on his back. Lum had her arms wrapped around his neck and her legs entwined about his waist.

“Yes,” Nabiki asked, one brow raised.

“I need some more advice about my life,” he said morosely. “The last solution... just went horribly horribly wrong.”

“Hmmm...” Nabiki pretended to consider. “I’ll need 5000 yen up front.” Ranma handed her the money.

She rummaged about in her drawer. “This solution is sure to make a lasting impact on your life and the lives of all those around you. You’ll never get into trouble again. Aha!” She pulled out what she was looking for.

Slapping the duct tape firmly on his mouth, she gave Ranma a mock serious expression. “Now reapply periodically over a period of...hmm... 70 years to a lifetime and I’m sure you’ll see some results.”

Ranma grumbled something indecipherable behind his tape and stomped out of the room, alien in tow.

Chapter 2 (Unfinished)
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