I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
On Clothes:
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
On Travelling:
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word “ambulance” was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, “Well, isn’t that clever.” I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word “ambulance” behind me. Of course while you’re reading, you don’t see where you’re going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they’re trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that’s what those delays are sometimes, when you’re just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, “Oh, I don’t believe this. Dammit..I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical because they don’t want to come on the P.A. system, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They’re in this big ashtray by the front door. I’m sorry, I’ll run back and get them.”
You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around 3 miles.”
On Death:
The Chalk Outline guy’s got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn’t draw very well. “Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?” How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, “Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim.”
That’s Odd:
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, “Hey look, there’s a whole other room in there. There’s a guy that looks just like me in there.” But the parakeet would fall for this. I’d let him out of his cage, he’d fly right into the mirror. And I’d always think, “Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn’t he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?”
Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, “I got the front seat.” “I want the front seat.” “I called it.” And the other kid has no recourse. “He called it, what can I do?” If there was a kid court of law it holds up. “Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat. “The judge says, “Did he call it?” “Well, no, he didn’t call it...” He bangs the gavel. Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed.”
On Dating:
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. “Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big.” “That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.”
The Relationship:
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he’s with is like an exit, but he doesn’t want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, “Look, gas, food, lodging, that’s our exit, that’s everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!” But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, “Next exit 27 miles,” and he thinks, “I can make it.” Sometimes he can, sometimes he can’t. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He’s sitting on the curb all alone, “I guess I didn’t realize how many miles I was racking up.”
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank you.”
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married!’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory! You can take off that ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking, ‘how can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!
Mysteries of Women:
I’m out with my wife the other day. She says, ‘My feet hurt.’ I say, ‘Well, why did you wear those shoes?’ She says, ‘I didn’t know we were going to be walking!’...Hello? Keep up with evolution! We’re walking now! Feel free to slither! She was wearing high heels, that’s why. They are the worst invention. Aren’t they, ladies? I’ve heard that women wear those shoes because they make your butt and your breasts stick out. Jeez. Why not just shove some shoes in your underwear, you’d be a lot more comfortable.
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% “I don’t know”! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They’re voting “I don’t know!” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.” Into phone) “I DON’T KNOW!” (hangs up, looking proud) “Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you are not sure about!” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls at $2.95 a minute (into phone)”I’m not in the mood!”
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love!’ Leave a message after the beep.” “Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!”
