Rules for Cats



HELPING

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.
This is called "helping";
humans are known to refer to it as "hampering".

The following are the rules for "helping":

a) When supervising cooking,
sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a
better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under
the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork,
lie on the work in the most appropriate manner
so as to obscure as much of the work or
at least the most important part.

Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out
and slap the pencil or knitting needles.

The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks
in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards keep in mind the aim -- to help!
First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability.

After being removed for the second time,
push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table,
one at a time.

**WARNING**
THE ABOVE ACTIVITY MAY RESULT IN YOU
BEING EJECTED FROM THE ROOM/HOUSE,
USE YOUR JUDGEMENT.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
They love to jump.




WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close
as possible in front of the human.

Especially effective places to strike are:

1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; for maximum effect
dart out from under something
3) When they first get up in the morning.
This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.




BEDTIME



Always sleep on the human at night.
If there are two (or more) of you,
book end the human putting off the greatest heat.
They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and
inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

Remember to indulge in mass grooming activities at 2 a.m.
making sure you have maximum sound effects,
ensuring that your human will wake up and realize
your efforts to be fastidious


In order to keep your human's circulatory system functioning,
try the following games:
Leap from the floor and land squarely on the human's chest,
this will increase heart rate and strength.
Stage a mock battle on the bed, preferably 30 minutes before
the alarm is due to go off.
(This may also get you fed earlier.)
However.....refer to above warning and use your judgement.





COMPUTERS



Rule # 1:
only show interest in computers that are turned ON,
the operator will need your help.

Rule # 2:
Monitors are bad for human eyes.
It might ruin your human's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food.
Always get in between the monitor and
the person operating the computer.
For best results, stands as close
to the monitor as possible.
If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner
for a minute, then repeat.
Look as innocent as possible.

Rule # 3:
Keyboards are great to lie down on.
Make yourself as comfortable as possible.
Marching over the keyboard several times is fun, too.
Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.

Rule # 4:
Always chase the mouse.
Your human can't blame you for this,
since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.

Rule # 5:
Floppy discs make great scratching posts.
Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

Rule # 6:
When you are satisfied that your efforts
to confuse and distract
your human have been successful, leave the room.








DOORS

Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame.

If its a closet, you may also reach under the door
and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
stand halfway in and out and think about several things.

This is particularly important during very cold weather,
when it's raining or snowing,
or during the height of the mosquito season.
If you are outside, refuse to use the catdoor.
If you can, jump onto a window sill and meow
pitifully,if not, stand at the front door and cry,
forcing your human to let you in.
Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.





CHAIRS AND RUGS

If you have to puke/cough up a furball,
get to an overstuffed chair quickly.
If you cannot manage this in time,
get to an Oriental rug.
If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute.
When hurling on shag, be sure you project;
it is a must that it stretch as long as a human's bare foot.

When choosing a chair/sofa/rug to nap on,
choose the one that contrasts most effectively
with your fur.

When sharpening your claws,
only the most expensive piece of furniture
in the room will do the job right.





BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
It is a cats duty to shred toilet paper.
For maximum effect, try to scatter it through out the house.
The toilet is an excellent source of water,
refuse to drink out of anything else,
forcing your human to keep it clean.
The shower curtain makes an effective hiding place
from which to launch an attack on your human or
another of your cohorts, but be sure the lights are out
for the surprise element to be effective.




FOOD


Mornings:

Jump onto the bed, try to land on top of your human.
If this does not wake them up, try butting their chin with your head.
In extreme cases, lick the chin, or even groom their hair.
Be sure to purr loudly and every once in a while, meow pitifully.
Once they are up and moving, dash back and forth between rooms,
giving Meaningful Stares and Impatient Glances. Curl yourself around
their ankles, herding them in the direction of the food source.



While they are preparing your dish, meow frantically like you are starved and
wont last a moment longer, then when food is placed before you, take
2 bites and walk away.



2 other sources of indoor food, the mouse and the fish.
when you catch your mouse, play with it...but never kill it.
take it to your human, to show them what a fine and mighty hunter you are
drop it at their feet, preferably the female human and sit back and watch
the reaction you cause.



fish are a tasty treat, but you must be very sly.
humans keep fish in a big dish filled with wet stuff
when trying to get one, make sure no human is around as this
activity will result in being banished from the room/house.


VETS



Behavior for a trip to the vet:

First, refuse to enter the pet taxi. Hold all four legs out stiff
against the edges of the taxi. After 15 minutes or so, your human
will give up and wrap you in a towel or put you in a box.
Once in the car, meow loudly and bitterly, running back and forth in
the car. Shed your entire coat in the process. Make every effort to
distract and hamper the driver. When you arrive at the vet's office,
hide under the seat, making your human get into an undignified position
to retrieve you. Once inside, hurl abuse and threats at any other
cat and or dog unfortunate enough to be there.
Give malevolent stares to all humans, punctuated by hisses.
Once in the examining room, refuse to cooperate, necessitating you
being held down by the vet's assistant and your human.
If at all possible, bite the vet. If this is not practicle, a
scratch will do. After your exam is over, groom yourself, giving the
impression that you have been contaminated.
A very effective postion is sitting with your hind leg hoisted in the air,
while licking, stop and stare at anyone who is looking at you.
When you have been taken from the vets office and put back into the car,
assume an innocent expression, purr loudly and fall asleep.












Email: Rubetuesde@aol.com