Romeo and Juliet: The Sequel
(Not featuring Romeo or Juliet)


People of the House of Wisehorn

Ade: A techno-maniac’s adopted daughter
Ade’s Dad: A techno-maniac, calls himself Wizard
Ade’s Mom: A Playboy star, called Electra
Meganfoolli the OOO: Bacterial servant of the Wisehorns, Nurse

People of the House of Evans

Andy: Son of an Amish father
Andy’s Dad: An Amish farmer, called Bob
Andy’s Mom: An Amish quilt-maker and cook, called Martha
Heather: A bearded Russian Spy posing as a servant to the Evans
Amish: The Evan’s fellow men

Others:

Priestess Sarah: A Hansonite, Leader of the Cult of Hanson
Julie: Queen of Hell, wife of Danny Elfman, Enemy of the Hansonites
Leo: Chief of Police
Goat: A Killer Goat who rides around in clown cars attacking people with swords
Russians: The people in Heather’s mind
Wolves: The wolves in Heather’s mind



 Act One

Scene: Night on the bean field of an Amish Farm

(Enter Andy, walking sadly amongst the beans)
Andy.
Tune: Jack’s Lament

There are few who deny at what I do I am the best
for my talents are renowned far and wide
When it comes to plowing, be it today or tonight
I excel without ever even trying

With the slightest little effort of my Amish strength
I have beat the Wisehorns at my game
With the flex of my arms and good evening meal
I can plow, even if the horse is lame

Yet year after year with this same routine
Oh, I grow so weary of planting each spring
And I, Andy, the Amish son
Wish with all my heart to just have some fun

Oh, somewhere deep inside of my head
I hunger for something instead
of plows and mules and ugly black clothes
But what I need...Only Jesus knows!

I’m the planter of hay, I have worked e’er since May
And I’m the best of ‘em at the barn dance
And finally when I’m done having what they call ‘fun’
I have to go and weed the plants!

And since I’m a guy I’ve to go out and fry
to slave in the corn fields all the day
No animal or man can work like I can
whilst the women spin lazily away

But who here could ever understand
that the Amish boy who works like a man
Would scorn his own life!  If they only understood
He’d give it all up if he only could

Oh, there’s an empty place in my bones
that calls out for something unknown
The work and sweat come year after year
does nothing for these Amish tears

(Gives a sad sigh and walks away)

Scene: The Wisehorn Mansion, Ade’s room


(Enter Ade and her mother, followed by Meganfoolli) 

Ade. But I hate the annual festival!  It’s so boring!  Everyone there is either
Amish or poor and you won’t let me hang out with either of them!  All I have
to do is eat cheese and drool!
Elec. Well, why don’t you bring a friend along to play with, honey?
Ade. You won’t let me have any friends!
Elec. Of course I do!  What about Mr. Harrison’s girl?  Oh what’s her
name...Angelica.
Ade. She’s a total brat!  Last time she came over here, she kicked my dog
and drew all over my statue of Ganesha using a magic marker!
Elec. Um, who else is there?
Meg. No one, Mrs. Electra.  The rest of your friends don’t have any children
Ade’s age.
Elec. (Snorts) Well, we’ll just have to find someone!
Ade. Can’t I just play with the Amish that will be there?
Elec. I will not have you playing with those out of time losers!  You know
perfectly well that we hate each other so don’t you dare ask that again! (A
brief pause)
Ade. Can I play with the Amish?
Elec. Argh!  (Stalks out of the room)
Ade. (to Meg) Why won’t she let me have any friends?  Does she expect me
not to need any?  (Frowns) I’m a growing Neanderthal, gosh dang-it!  I...
Meg. Calm down, calm down!  Your mother loves you.  She’s doing this for the
best!
Ade. But why does she think that I can only have friends that are rich just
because she’s rich? 
Meg. Because she’s an idiot.
Ade. Why do you say that?
Meg. Have you ever heard of Playboy centerfolds that were intelligent?
Ade. Sigh...
Tune: Phantom of the Opera

In sleep she sang to me
In dreams I heard
her voice sing out to me
sweet, rhyming words

But when I did awake
I’d always find
she had never been there
but in my mind
Meg.
Speak once again to me
of that strange dream
for I have a small thought
It ain’t a dream

She was there beside you
for many nights
The Queen Meganfoolli was there
behind the lights
Ade.
I would have seen her once
if she was there
I think that you just lie
so I would care
Meg.
But she did sing back then
and loves you still
For Queen Meganfoolli does know
your mother’s will
Ade.
But I am so lonely
With her or no
I need some company
Meg.
You need to grow

Both.
But in this mansion
We can’t abide
Ade.
So Queen Meganfoolli will you
get me a ride
Meg.
Stop, and stay still
Ade.
Please help and give me an escape route

Meg. (Begins to hum and points at Ade) Aum Shum Change-Alota Aum! (Ade
turns into a tiny bacteria) 
Ade. Hey!  Why’d you do that?
Meg. So you wouldn’t be noticed when we leave. 
Ade. Cool!  Thanks! 
(Exit both)

Scene: Outside one of the houses in town

(Enter Julie)
Jul. So this is where that priestess lives!  I’ll show her!  How dare she paste
old Hanson pictures up on my shrine of Danny Elfman!  
Sar. (Sleepily) I heard talking... Who’s there?  Taylor?
Jul.  (Pissed) Taylor!?  How dare you call me a Hanson!
Sar. Who is it?  Where are you?  
Jul.  Right here, Hansonite!  (Steps into the light)  
Sar. Who...Hey, wait!  I recognize you!  (Smiles evilly) Did you like that little
present I left you?
Jul. Present!?  It was sacrilegious!  
Sar. If you worshipped Hanson like us normal people do, you wouldn’t have
that problem! 
Jul. That’s it! (Lunges at Sarah)
Sar. AHHHH! (Ducks out of the way.  Julie flys past her and hits head first
against the wall.  Sinks to the ground, unconscious)  Hah!  That will show you
for trying protect your god!  (Sticks out her tongue at Sarah, then pauses at
a thought forms) Maybe...(Smiles evilly once again and drags Julie inside the
Church of Hanson)

Scene:  Andy’s humble home

(Enter his parents, Bob and Martha, and their servant, Heather) 
Bob. What art thou going to do about your son?  
Mar. Whatever dost thou mean, my beloved husband?
Bob.  Our son hast been downcast and sullen all his life, but even more so
these past few days.  I fear something may be troubling the boy.
Mar. I’m sure it shalt pass.  
Hea. Wouldst thou liketh me to plot out a formula to kill who-so-ever is
troubling the boy?
Bob. Nay, servant.  No decent Amish man wouldst ever take the life of
another.  And as my name is Bob Evans, I forbid you to do so!
Hea. Yes, good sir.
Bob. (A rooster crows) Hark!  Dawn approaches.  I must go to my chores, as
should thee.
Mar. Yes, my love.  But what of Andy?
Bob.  Let us wait until he comes home.  Then we shalt confront and punish
him.  
Mar. Yes, my husband.
(Both go back to their chores)


Scene: The Wisehorn’s Mansion

(Ade’s adoptive parents are pacing around in the 2.4 acre family room)
Wiz.  Where can she be?  I’ve sent all the servants to look, but they can’t
find her!
Elec.  And her nurse is gone also!  
Wiz.  I should have never hired a bacteria to take care of our child!  
Elec.  Calm down, hon!  We’ll find her.  Perhapes Meganfoolli has just taken
her for a walk.
Wiz.  Yeah right!  This is all my fault!  If only I had paid more attention to
her...
Elec. If only I was a brain surgeon and not a Playboy centerfold...
Wiz.  But you’re so good at your work!  
Elec. That’s no excuse!  I shouldn’t have argued with her.  I should have
spent more time with Ade.  I should have let her have friends!  

Playboy Mommy 

In high heels I waltzed the floor
with nothin’ on.  It didn’t help my brain out.
Then my baby came before I found
the magic how to keep her happy
She lives her life in a fantasy 
of what she wants her life to be

But don’t judge me so harsh, Little Ade
So you got a Playboy Mommy
But if you mention my name
please don’t be ashamed... Your out on your own
Little Ade, they’ll do you no harm
Cause they’ve seen your Playboy Mommy
But when you tell em my name...
From here to Amish land I’ve got a few friends

I never was there, was there when it counts
And I’ll pray you won’t be like me
I am ashamed, ashamed that I am
a good friend to the centerfold camera
I’ll say it loud here where you’d play
No one e’er could take my place

Don’t judge me so harsh, little Ade
You got a Playboy Mommy
But when you mention my name, now
ya’ wanna come back home all on your own
Little girl they’ll do ya’ no harm
because they’ve seen your Playboy Mommy
But you just tell ‘em my name
You tell ‘em my name!
I got a few friends...

Why...there’s no reason...

Somewhere where dandelions grow
I’ll find you somewhere
And hug you so hard that
You won’t know...
Oh, I won’t let you go!

Don’t judge me so harsh, Little Ade
You got a Playboy Mommy.  Come home
Or else I’ll tell some soldiers your name
And they’ll search and take you home
Little girl, they’ll do you no harm
cause they’ve seen your Playboy Mommy
But I’ll be home
I’ll be home 
to take you in my arms

Elec.  (Bursts out crying) I want my daughter back!  (Glances at the mirror
then sobs louder) And my mascara’s running!  Wah!  
Wiz. There, there, Electra.  We’ll find her.  Don’t worry.
Elec.  But Wizard, what if we don’t?  She’ll be out there all by herself, cold
and frightened, wishing she was back home with her...her...(Bursts out) her
Mommy!  
Wiz.  There there.  Meganfoolli’s with her.  They’re out for a walk, that’s all. 
Perfectly safe in every way.

Scene: A dusty road in Amish country

(The Queen Meganfoolli and Ade, still unseen, are surrounded by a group of
mean looking Amish)
Boy.  Well, well, well.  What have we here?  A bacteria, hmmm?  Ooo, I’m
really scared!  
Ade. (Turning back into original shape) Hey!  You can’t just quote the Oogie
Boogie man!  
Boy2. You’re joking, you’re joking!  I can’t believe my eyes!  Your joking me,
you gotta be!  You’re popping up like flys!
Ade. I said shut up!
Boy3. And who’s gonna make us?
Voice. I am!  (A masked figure leaps out of the corn and goes inside the
circle with Ade and Meganfoolli)
Boys.  Ahh!  It’s the Masked Amish!
TMA. You’ll never commit any cruel acts again!  (Runs up and kicks Amish
Boys 2 and 3) Hah!  
Boy. I’ll get you yet, Masked Amish! (Runs away)
Ade. Wow!  Thanks, Masked Amish! (To herself) I wonder what he looks like
under there...  
TMA.  Are you two all right?  I saw them surround you from my cheese farm,
so I couldn’t get here right away.  
Ade. Gee, you have a cheese farm?  I love cheese!  
TMA. Really?  What’s your favorite kind?
Ade. Stinky Cheese!  
TMA.  Wow!  Me, too.  I love it on my cereal!
Ade. On cereal?  I’ve never tried that before...
TMA. Oh, you should.  It tastes delicious on Capt’n Crunch.
Ade. Okay, I’ll....Hey!  Who’s that?  (Enter Heatherfreakygeorgelovergirl the
III)
Hea. Who is that?  What are you doing wearing that stupid mask?  
TMA.  I must go!  (Runs into the woods)
Ade. Hey, wait!  (Runs after him, leaving the two confused servants)
(In woods)
TMA. (Stopping.) Why are you following me?
Ade. I want to know who you are!  (Before The Masked Amish can stop her,
she whips off his mask to reveal Andy.  Ade doesn’t recognize him.  To
herself:) Oh wow!  He’s so hot! 
(Enter Heather and Meganfoolli)
Hea. (Ignoring Ade and Meganfoolli) Come along, little man!  Your parents
have been worried. (Exit Andy and Heather)
Ade. Dang!  I wanted to know his name.
Meg. (Worried) Uh...Why is that?
Ade. I think I’m in love with him.
Meg. You can’t be in love with him!  He’s Andy Evans!  The only son of your
great enemy, the leaders of the Amish!
Ade. Oh dear...
(Reenter Andy, dragging Heather along with him)
Andy.  No!  I wanna talk to her!  Let go!  
Hea. (Sees them) No, you fool!  They are Wisehorns!  Never shalt thou talk
to them!  Ever!  Now come!  (Drags gape-mouthed Andy along with her back
to the Amish farms) 
Ade. (Quietly) Ah me.  My only love sprung from my only hate, too early seen
unknown and known too late.  Prodigious birth of love it is to me that I must
love a loathed enemy.
Meg. What?  
Ade. I dunno. 
Meg. (Sigh) Come on!  We’re going to be in enough trouble as it is! 
Ade. Oh Andy...

Act Twice

Scene:  The basement/Temple of Sarah’s house

(Julie is slowly coming to.  She is chained up in the corner.  All around the
room are posters of Hanson, candles embossed with the Hanson symbol,
paintings of the young Hansons, and stacks of Middle of Nowhere CD’s.  On
the right wall is a man sized marble statue of Taylor Hanson, holding out his
hand and smiling.  Sarah is kneeling before, ceremoniously laying a wreath of
flowers into his open palm.)
Sar.
#1
crush
  

I would die for you
I would die for you
I’ve been dying just to feel you by my side
to know that you’re mine

I will come to you
I will come to you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
and drown your fears

Some of Sarah’s Hansonite servants.

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Laaaaaaaaa
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Laaaaaaaaaaa
Sar. 
I will pray to you
I will pray to you
I’ll sell you my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you

See your face every place that I’m walking
Hear Mmmbop every time that I’m talking
You will listen to me
And I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
and tear it apart
I will lie for you
beg and steal for you
I crawl on hands and knee’s until you see
You’re in love with me

finally I’ll have all that I’m missing
Throw away all the pain that I’m living
you will believe in me
And I will never be ignored

I will die for you
(Laaaaaaaaaaa)
I will kill for you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
I will steal for you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
 I’d do time for you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
I will come to you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
I’d make room for you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
I’d buy tickets from you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
I want to go and see you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
To be next to you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
Cause I believe in you
(Laaaaaaaaaa)
I believe in you
I would die for you

Jul. You’re insane!  
Sar. (Grinning) Don’t like my song?
Jul. No, I love it.  But any sane person would sing it to Danny!
Sar. Hah!  By the time I’m done with you, you’ll love hanson so much you’ll
cringe every time you hear one of his pathetic songs! 
Jul. In your dreams!
Sar. No, in your nightmares.  (Giggles, then goes over to a CD player and puts
on one of Hanson’s albums)  Enjoy.  (Crackles, then leaves)
Jul. (Shuddering as Hanson reaches a high C) I have to get out of here!  But
how?  
(Exit scene with the sounds of Mmmbop next to barely audible moans of
pain)  

Scene: The Annual Festival, located on the city streets

(Andy is at a table selling rubarb pies with his mother)
Andy. Can I go look at the other exibits, Mom?
Mar. No, my son.  We must sit here for no real reason and hopeth we shalt
not meet any Wisehorns.  Besides, thou must stayeth here and buildeth up
thou’s strength.  
Andy. Oh.  (To himself) Stupid meany-pants.  (Enter Meganfoolli and Ade,
looking at the different tables)  Wait a minute, is that Ade?  It is Ade! 
(Glances at his mother and sneeks away)  Phew!  (Runs up) Hey, Ade!  
Ade. Andy!  (Gives him a big hug) 
Sar. ( Runs up and pulls them apart) Don’t!  Do you want people to know you
love each other?
Andy. Why should we care what people know or not?
Meg. Because if either of your parents find out they’ll send you both away to
all girl and all boy boarding schools.  (Glares at Ade) Christian boarding
schools!  
Ade. Oh my Ganesha!  (Hear’s something.  Looks around and sees Electra
waving and walking up toward them) I’ve gotta hide!  If Mom sees me next to
an Amish, she’ll kill me!  
Andy. Ade, don’t leave me!  
Sar. Oh for goodness... (Glares) Come on!  You can hide in my house, but only
for a little bit!  
Meg. I’ll distract your mother.  (Runs up to Electra) Oh, hello M’aam...
Ade. Thanks!  (They all go inside, unaware that a forth person slips in with
them)  Wow, look at all the posters of Zac...
Andy.  (Whistles)  I wasn’t even aware they made that many. 
Sar. (Proudly) If you think this is a lot, you should see the temple. 
Ade. Can we?
Sar. (Realizes that Julie is down there)  No, nevermind!  Here, you can hide
in the dining room.  I have to go downstairs and...um...dust!  Yeah, dust. 
Heh..heh... (Exit Sarah) 
Andy.  She was acting weirder then usual.  
Ade. You know her too?
Andy. We met at Ames when I was buying Pez.
Ade. We have so much in common!
Andy. Yeah.  (Awkward silence) Um...Ade?  I love you.
Ade. I love you, too.  (They kiss.  While they do so, Julie screams in absolute
terror, but they’re so busy they don’t hear her, nor see the prying eyes of
one Russian spy)
(In the basement...)
Jul. AHHHHH!!! Don’t!  
Sar. (Holding a glass of milk) Drink, Julie.  You know you want to.  
Jul. No!  Help!  (Looks at Sarah) Who’s up there?  I heard voices. 
Sar. No one who will help you!  Now drink up, Julie!  It’s only the sacred milk
of Hanson.  One sip and you’ll be a Hansonite forever.  (Julie stares at her in
horror.  Sarah gives an evil laugh and grins demonically) Heh, heh, heh....

Scene: Outside at the Annual Festival

(Electra and Wizard are talking to a big record company executive when
 they’re accidently bumped into) 
Wiz. Oh, excuse... (It’s Bob Evans and his wife, Martha, standing there)
Evans!  
Bob. Wisehorns!  
(Technical executives and car salesmen gather around Wizard, while all the
Amish men gather around Bob.)
Wiz. You Amish think you’re so great, huh?  You don’t even have cars!
Car Salesmen. Yeah! 
Bob.
Tune: Amish Paradise/Gansta’s Paradise (By Weird Al/Coolio)

As I walk through the vally where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she’s rather plain
But that’s okay for an Amish like me
Because I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I’m milking cows
Jebidiah feeds the chickens and Andy plows
Fool!  I’ve been milking and plowing so long that
Even Ezekial thinks that my mind is gone (Grins at frog)
I’m a man of the land.  I’m into disipline
got a bible in my hand and beard on my chin
but if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine
Tonite we’re gonna party like its 1699

(With the Amish humming a hymn in the backround)

Been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise
I churn butter once or twice living in an Amish Paradise
It’s hard work and sacrifice living in an Amish Paradise
We sell quilts at discount price living in an Amish Paradise

Man. I’ll buy one!
Mar. Okay.  $375.00 dollars, please.
Man. Um, nevermind.
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
But I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don’t care.  In fact I wish him well
Cause I’ll be laughin’ my head off when he’s burning in hell
But I ain’t never punched a Wisehorn even though he deserved it
An Amish being violent, you know that’s unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
and my homies agree I really look good in black
Fool!  If you come and visit you’ll be bored to tears
We haven’t even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain’t really quaint, so please don’t point and stare
We’re just technologically impared

Mar.
There’s no phone, no lights, no motorcars
Not a single luxury
Like Robison Crusoe
It’s as primitive as can be

Bob. Been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise
We’re just plain and simple guys living in an Amish Paradise
There’s no time for sin and vice living in an Amish Paradise
We don’t fight, we all play nice living in an Amish Paradise

Hitching up the buggy, churning lots of butter
Raise a barn on Monday.  Soon I’ll raise another
Think your really riteous, think your pure at heart
Well I know I’m a million times as humble as thou art
I’m the pious guy the little Amish want to be like
on my knees in the night saying prayers for the afterlife
So don’t tell us that we sell cocaine at the ranch
That only happened once at previous barndance
Bob. And Mar.
Been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise
We’re all crazy Meninites living in an Amish Paradise
There’s no cops or traffic lights living in an Amish Paradise
You’d probably think it bites, living in an Amish Paradise
All Amish.
Laaaaaaaaaaaa
la la la la laaaaaaa laaaaa
laaa laaa laaaaaaaaaaa
laaaa laa laa laaa laaaaa
(Achoo!)
Bob. (Sniff) Dang hay fever!  
Wiz. You think your so tough!
(With a yell, all the Amish and the techno-maniac’s rush togeather in a mad
frenzy.  They begin punching each other out.  All the locals rush over to join
in the fight) Yaaah!
(From inside Sarah’s house...)
Ade. What’s that noise?  (Looks out the window) Oh my gosh!  Our two
families are trying to kill each other!  Look!  
Andy. We should leave for our homes now while everyone’s busy fighting.  
Ade. ‘Bye, Andy.  
Andy. ‘Bye, Ade.  (Pecks her on the nose) I’ll see you tomorrow.
Ade. (Gives a small smile) Bye.  
Andy. (Makes to leave, then rushes back.  Hands Ade a Snoopy pez
despenser)  To remember me by, my love.  
Ade. What flavor is it?  
Andy. Purple.  (Turns to go) 
Ade. Wait!  (Rushes up to him and gives him a big kiss)  Bye.  Dream pretty
dreams.
Andy. Okay.  Bye.  (Exit Andy)
Ade. Sigh.  Parting is such sweet sorrow, that we should say goodbye till it
be morrow.  (Snaps out of if) What the heck am I talking about!?  What is a
‘morrow’ any ways?!  Hump!  (Runs out of Sarah’s house) 
(Enter Sarah) 
Sar. Hey, where are you going?  I didn’t show my Hanson action figures and
trading cards, yet! (Runs after her)  
(Enter Heather from behind a piece of furniture)
Hea. (To herself) Hmmmm.... So the little techno-maniac’s daughter and my
master’s son are in love.  This sounds like a most unfortunate arrangement. 
What if they get married and my master and his enemy make amends? 
Without their bitter feud Bob Evans’ will be less distracted and notice that
most of his produce is being shipped to the hungary Russian soldiers without
his concent, and I can’t have that.  What should I do?  I know!  I’ll tell Bob
Evans that Ade is seducing away his son and I’ll send a message to Wizard
Wisehorn telling him that Andy is stealing his wayward daughter away from
him!  Or if not that, I’m gonna have to kill him somehow... I know, by
poisonous gas!  I can set it up somewhere and rig it to release when I’m out
of the house.  But I think I’ll go with plan A first.  Either way I must go
quickly if I’m to succeed!  (Starts to leave, then stops again)  What was
Sarah doing in the basement, anyways?  (Goes downstairs and finds a sobbing
Julie wrapped in chains with milk spilled all over her shirt) 
Hea. (To herself) This is nice!  Reminds me of home... (To Julie) There,
there.  There’s no use crying over spilt milk.  
Jul. I’m not.
Hea. Then what are you crying about?  
Jul. She’s ruined my Oingo Boingo T-shirt!  These things cost about $200!  
Hea. Why are you here in the first place?
Jul. Sarah kidnapped me and tried to get me to drink the sacred milk of
Hanson and become a hansonite!  I refused and overturned the glass, spilling
it all over me.  She said she was going to the market place to get some more. 
(Realizes her situation) Oh my god!  You’ve got to help me!  
Hea. Escape?  Sure.  But I expect something in return!  
Jul. What?
Hea. I want you to kidnap Electra Wisehorn.  
Jul. Why?  
Hea. With his wife gone, (Whips out piece of paper) and this ransom note
from ‘Andy Evans’ for eighteen oxen and shiny new plow, he’ll declare war on
the Evans, especially Bob’s son, Andy.  In the battle, Andy will eventually get
killed, as will, hopefully, the rest of his family.  I’ve already checked his will
and I’m the only other person mentioned in it, I assume for the many years
of “loyal” service I’ve put in.  All I need is you.
Jul. Why don’t you just use David?  I’ve heard he’s very dependable in these
matters.
Hea. I tried, but he’s somewhere in Kishob right now on his honeymoon. 
Well, maybe not.  I’ve also heard that he’s in the hospital after suffering a
heart attack, but I’m sure it’s just a rumor. 
Jul. Fine, I’ll do it.  Just get me out of these chains.  
Hea. Certainly.  (Cuts the chains off) So we have a deal?
Jul. Yep.  When do you want me to start?
Hea. Immediataly!  
 
Act Thrice

Scene: The Wisehorns Mansion

Wiz. I’m telling you, she’s missing!  And according to this note (Holds out
note) that disgusting piece of Amish, Andy, kidnapped her!  
Leo. (Doesn’t say anything.  Just stands there humming the Sailor Moon
theme song under his breath) Burp.
Wiz. (Yelling) Don’t you burp at me!  How could this city be so stupid as to
make you the cheif of police!? (Starts shaking him)
Leo. Hey!  Stop it!  All right, I’ll look for Andy!  Just let me go!  
Wiz. (Setting him down)  And what about finding Electra?  
Leo.  I’ll send out two of my squad to find her, allright?  
Wiz. Fine!  But if anything happens to her because of your lack of skill....
Leo.  I happen to be an excellently trained police officer, thank you very
much!  (Starts walking)  I’ll find your playboy centerfold and I’ll expect an
apoligy from you when we get back!  Doubting my skill indeed!  (Opens door) 
Good day!  (Slams door.  Wizard puts his hand to his forehead and shakes his
head sadly)
Wiz.  That’s a closet.
Leo.  (Coming out of there.  Sneezes) Sheesh, I knew that!  I just wanted to
(Sneezes again) see how well you clean this place.  Obviously not....
Wiz.  (Yells)  Get out of my house!  Now! 
Leo. Fine, fine.  (Leaves, humming the Sailor Moon theme)  
Wiz.  (Goes over to a family photo of Electra and Ade.  Electra is giving a
big, cheery smile and Ade is scrowling and looks positively evil.  Gee, I
wonder how that could be?...) Both of them, missing!  How can I live without
them?  (Gives a second thought)  Well, I could live without that annoying
little girl around, but...she is my daughter and I’ll find her myself if I have
to!  (To servants) I’m going out looking for my family!  (Slams door.  A minute
passes.  The door opens again) Oops, closet.  Heh...heh... (Exit Wizard)

Scene: Andy’s House

(Martha and Bob Evans are standing angrily in front of the door.  Enter
Heather)
Mar. (Angrily) What hast happened to our son?!
Hea. Huh?  What do you mean?  
Bob.  You know what we mean!
Hea. No, I don’t.  
Mar. (Gives her the newspaper, The Amish Quarterly.  Blaring across the
front is: Only son of local Amish leader Bob Evans accused of Kidnapping)
Hea.  (Pretending to feel upset) Oh, no, sir... I fear I came to late.
Bob.  What does thou mean, child?
Hea. Just this eve I came about the knowledge that the only daughter of
your greatest enemy has suduced your son away from the righteous path of
the Amish.  She must have tempted him into kidnapping just so she could
tarnish your reputation!  
Bob.  I will kill this girl!  (To heather) Servant!  Goest to thou’s room!  I will
think of an appropriate punishment for thou tommorow!
Hea. For what?!  
Bob.  For delivering this grave news!  
Hea. But, Sir, this is unfair!
Bob. Go!  (Exit Bob and Martha.  Sound of horse and buggy leaving outside. 
Unknown to Heather, Bob accidently bumps the side of a drawer, triggering
the deadly gas Heather set up as a trap for the Amish)  
Hea. Those jerks!  Hump!  But at least they’ll be dead soon, and I’ll be the
most honored spy of Russia!  

Tune: Temptation Waits  (Garbage)

I tell you something:
I am a wolf but I like to wear sheeps clothing
I’m called a servant
But I’m observant
I hate these people with loathing
I steal all their goods
for Russian livelihood
And I will stalk and find out all your secrets for

(A bunch of Russian looking people come out of the corn, followed by wolves)
Russians.
For Russia
Wolves.
For wolf kind
Hea.
I have so much at stake
I’ll see those Amish break
I will make so much money like this
Russians.
For Russia
Wolves.
Sweet Russia
(A strobe light comes on and all of the wolves, Russians, and Heather start
dancing to the music in the backround.  Heather gets up on the kitchen
table, kicking away all of Martha’s homemade pottery, and holding a mike,
begins singing) 
Hea.
I’ll tell you something
I have a secret
I have not done this for Russia
I have my reasons
I need the money
So I can buy me a pet goat

I know what you are thinking now
She’s a selfish wolf from Moscow
But with a goat I could use it to rule the world
Russians.
She’s crazy
Wolves.
So crazy
Hea.
A thousand goats in clown cars
Holding some rusted sabers
Raiding all of the banks in Alabama
Russians.
This don’t make
Wolves.
This don’t take
(Everyone is talking and looking around trying to figure it out.  Suddenly a
goat comes in driving a clown car and waving a sword.  Everyone screams, but
the goat and Heather get up and dance)

Heather to goat.
You are my secret
Killer goat weapon
Heather to Russians. 
So have you all stopped guessing
Goat.
I’ve already trained more goats
We’ll go and cut their throats
We’re coming at America for this
(Goats holds up bag of gold)
Wolves.
Is that gold?
Russians.
Yep, that’s gold!
Hea.
So we have little time
To commit this grand crime

(Everyone starts dancing again)

I’ve never needed so much money as this before right now!
Well, I’m not sure what I’m working for
Well, I’m not sure what I’m working for...(Repeat many times)
Everyone is dancing now.  Slowly everyone fades and Heather realizes she’s
dancing in an empty room)
Hea. (Groggily) What happened?  Where did everyone go? (Hears a faint
hissing sound)  Oh, my gosh!  The gas!  (Runs out quickly, followed by a loud
bang)  I knew I should have gotten the non-flamible kind of gas!  Dang it! 
Now what do I do?  (Thinks it over)  Hmmm.... I can blame the exploding
home thing on Ade... But what should I do about their love affair?  There
must be something I can do... Hey!  I know!  (Runs off) 

Scene: A birds eye view of the entire city

Andy. (As a tiny speck) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Scene: The Wisehorn’s Mansion

(Enter Ade and the Queen Meganfoolli, followed by a frowning Wizard)
 Wiz. ...I looked everywhere for you!  I search through every forgotten alley,
every creeps home, every place where a poor, hungry child might be trapped
and where do I find you?  (Glares at them) IN THE DAIRY ISLE OF THE
SUPERMARKET!!! Have you any idea how worried I was, with your mother
missing and you no where to be found?  I was terrified that something too
horrible to imagine had happened to you!  Hump!  The only good thing there
is to think about is the fact that Andy Evans, if proved innocent, will marry
Angelica Harrison!
Ade & Meg.  What!?
Wiz.  Oh didn’t you hear?  They set up the marraige last night after their
house burned down.  Their servant suggested it.  To keep him out of trouble,
she said.  And I think...
Meg. (Inturupting) Who said?
Wiz. Oh, their servant?  Her full name is Heatherfreakygeorgelovergirl the
III.  
Meg. (To Ade) Heatherfreakygeorgelovergirl the III!  I know that evil wolf! 
She and I are dread enemies!  She is excellent at her work as a spy though,
and is probably dead set against the uniting of our two masters for whatever
evil reason she can think of!  
Ade. (Sniffling)  Andy...how could you?  

Scene:  Priestess Sarah’s house

(Doorbell rings) 
 Sarah. I’m coming!  Hold on!  I just have to finish dusting my Taylor Hanson
rosary.   I’m coming!   (Runs up and opens door, revielling Andy)  Andy Evans? 
What are you doing here?
Andy.  You must help me!  I have so much trouble on my hands I can’t stand
it!  I’m in love with my enemy, my parents will never trust me again, I’m
accused of kidnapping, and now they set up a date of marraige with some
brat that I don’t even know!   I can never marry Angelica, but my parents
refuse to let me out of it!  
Sar. Calm down, calm down!  Can’t you just ask them to let you marry Ade and
be done with it?  
Andy.  They hate Ade!  They think that she’s the one who burned down their
house!  And I have no way to prove that she didn’t.  If I don’t marry Ade
then I’ll die!  (Takes out mysterious bag he had in his pocket and lifts out a
handful of whatever he had in it)  And if I have to marry Angelica, I’ll make
sure it will never happen!  (You can now see it’s swiss cheese.  He holds it
near his open mouth)  
Sar. Wait!  I’ll help you!  Just put down the cheese, please!  
Andy.  (Grief stricken) Why!?  What is there to live for?!  
Sar. Ade, if this works!  (Takes Andy downstairs to her temple and goes to
the statue of Taylor Hanson.  She presses down on his left eye and a hidden
drawer pops open from the base of the statue.  In the drawer there is a
small, clear bottle filled with a chunky, white, liquid.)
Andy.  (Awed) What is that?  
Sar. This, this is the curdled sacred milk of Hanson.  One of my servants left
it out by mistake and it was ruined, but at the same time gained some
interesting powers.  I was told in a vision of Hanson not to throw it away, but
to keep it and make sure that it was kept hidden, only to be drunk by one
who needs it’s aid the most.  (Looks Andy right in the eye)  If you drink this,
you’ll fall asleep for 36 hours and appear dead.  If my knowledge of Amish
tradition is right, they’ll put you in your family tomb right away, and leave
you as dead.  I’ll inform Ade of what has happened and she’ll be there to
greet you when you wake up.  (Hears a noise)  Go home!  I have a feeling that
this isn’t that safe a place to be at the moment.  (Andy starts to leave)
Wait!  (Hands him bottle)  Take care!  I’ll warn Ade!  (Exit Andy)  Sarah, girl,
you’re getting paranoi-Ahhhh!  (Julie rushes at her and bangs Sarah head
first against the wall, knocking her unconcious)  
Jul. Hah!  Now look whose unconcious!  Thubb!  (Goes over and ties Sarah up
in the corner, draws a mustach on Taylor in all the posters, and throws
rotten eggs at the statue.  Seeing that the temple is destroyed, she goes
over and places a Danny Elfman cd in the cd player and sets on loop.)  That
ought to take care of her!  

Tune: Pain (Danny Elfman)

Welcome to unconciousness
Asleep and powerless, yeah!
You problem will ruin Andy, yeah!  
I bring on, bring on, bring on lots of pain, yeah!  

My life is eternal Danny
And you all like Hanson, yeah!  
Danny’s hot and Taylor’s gay
I’ll bring on, bring on, wooo!
I’ll fill you up with troubled thoughts
And Danny information, whoa!  
I’ll gladly add some torture too,
And bring on, bring on, bring on lots of pain, yeah!  

(Whips out violin and begins to play)

Is it any wonder now
everybody goes insane?
Everybody locks their doors to keep out any Taylors!
Hansonites sing Mmmbop, Hansonites light our fuse
till we’re ready to blow up!  We live in so much danger!  

Yiwei Jiang, in this life, come and get your punishment
I’m not too late, just in time!  
I’m gonna hurt your mind, your mind, your mind
Everyone has gone to bed!  
And children are asleep
I sit up late and sing Danny
And bring on, bring on, bring on so much pain!   

Cute Adrienne on the bus
Her cartoon’s by her side, yeah
She almost always makes a fuss
She listens to Hanson!  Yuck!

I’ve traveled far to come and see
by airplane, boat and train, yeah!
I’m here to kill every Hanson!
And bring on, bring on, bring on so much pain, yeah!

Is it any wonder now that everbody goes insane
Everybody locks their doors to keep out any Taylors
Hansonite’s sing Mmmbop, Hansonites light our fuse!
Till we’re ready to blow up!
We live in so much danger!

Yiwei Jiang, this is life, come and get your punishment
It’s not too late, just in time!
I’m gonna hurt your mind, your mind, your mind!

Boys and girls of every creed
Religion, not Mmmbopping, no!  
It’s time to unplug those ears
I’ll bring on, bring it on!

(Sarah groans and moves, slightly)

So wake up and meet your fate
Don’t question who I am, no!
Just say your prayers and shed your tears!
I bring on, bring it on, bring it on,  
bring on, bring it on, bring it on
Bring on, bring it on, bring it on!

(Julie gives a terrifying laugh and we fade out)

Scene: The Evan’s family crypt

(Andy’s family, including the smiling servant, are attending the funeral)
Priest.  And so young Andy, who did nothing wrong, will be found innocent in
the eyes of God.  The End. 
All. The End.  
Mysterious voice of Ade.  Click.
Priest. Let us go in peace.
(Exit All but Heather)
Hea.  This has worked out better than I had planned!  With Andy gone, Bob
Evans will be so distraught Russia will eat like a king!  Hahahaha!  I will never
fail!  Let it be known that Andrew Evans, the only son of Bob Evans, is dead!  

Scene: The Wisehorn’s Mansion

Ade. Dead?  
(Megan and Ade are at the basement stairs, where Megan went to retrieve
Ade’s Coat.  Megan is holding a newspaper in her arms)  
Meg. (Nods) I’m sorry, Ade.  That’s what it says.  They say he committed
suicide by lethal dose of swiss cheese.  There’s nothing you can do!  
Ade. Dead?  He can’t be dead!  
Meg. I’m sorry, but he is.  
Ade. No!  I don’t believe you!  This is all some cruel joke!  (Ade bursts into
tears and a faint tune of ‘Playboy Mommy’ fades into the backround)  
Meg. Hey!  Turn that off!  It isn’t helping any!  
Muffled voice. Sorry.
Meg. Huh?  Who is that?  (Goes down and opens the door) Mrs. Electra?!
Ele.  (Electra is bound to the wall by her feet and is lying near an old cd
player)  Thank god!  You foun...foun..fou....(Electra collapses in a faint) 
Ade. Mommmmy!!!!  (Runs down to her)  Mom!  Wake up!  
Ele. (Dimly) Ade?  (Looks at her, and from what she says, you know she’s
hallucinating) Ade?  You look so pretty...(Collapses and dies)  
Ade. (Moans/yells) Noooo!  Mommy!  (Tears stream down her face.  Looks at
dead body)  I love you, mom.  (Gets a vacant, haunted look on her face and
gets slowly up)  
Meg. Oh Ade... I’m sorry.  Where are you going?  
Ade.  (No emotion)  I have nothing left to live for.  My mother and love are
dead.  I shall soon join them.  
Meg. But what about me, your friend?  And what about your father?
Ade. Neither of your really love me!  Goodbye! 
Meg. Wait!  What should I say?  How can I tell your father that both his
wife and his daughter are dead?  
Ade.  I don’t care.  Don’t try to stop me!  (Grabs a bottle of nair and a mirror
and leaves) 
Meg. That was odd.  (Looks at Electra) Oh, dear...

Scene: The Evan’s crypt

(Enter Ade.  Andy is lying motionless on a stone alter.  Torches light the cave
and sweet smells of parmegan fragrance the air.  Ade comes up upon him,
and stares at him, sadly)
Ade. Ah, my love.  How could you leave me?  (Stares at him a moment longer
then whips out bottle of nair and squirts it all on her head)  Andy, this if for
you!  (Sets up mirror, and stares at it, watching her hair fall out slowly. 
Unknown to her, Andy slowly is awakening.  By this time, Ade is 2/3rds bald.)
Andy.  (Awakening)  Ade?  Where are you?
Ade. (Joyful) Andy?  Oh, Andy, you’re alive!  
Andy.  Yeah, didn’t Sarah...ADE!  What did you do!  Your hair!  
Ade.  I’m sorry!  I thought you were dead, so I put nair in my hair so I could
join you!  
Andy.  Come on!  There’s still time to wash it off!
Voice. Oh, no there isn’t!
Ade. Who’s there?  
Voice.  Me!  (Stepping into the light, it’s Heather!)
Andy. Heather?  What are you doing here?  
Hea. It’s a long story.  But all you need to know is;  I’m not letting you leave
here alive!  (Rushes at Andy and stabs him with a peacock feather)  I knew
that Ganesha’s enemy is the peacock, so I figured this way it would be
fitting.  
Andy.  (Gasping) Why?  
Hea. Nothing personal.  It’s just that I need to distract your father and his
only son dying is just the thing.  (Shrugs)  Sorry.  
Ade.  Come and face my wrath, evil Russian Spy!  (Lunges at her and knocks
her to floor.  Begins hitting the Russian, but realizes that she is as weak as a
boiled spaggetti noodle and, thinking for once in her life, rubs her hair into
Heather’s prize beard.  They continue fighting for 7 more minutes)  
Hea. Get off me, you little freak!  (Kicks Ade off.  Glances in mirror)  Yuck! 
You got pink stuff all over me!  (Takes out a kleenex and wipes it off. 
Glances at spoiled kleenex)  Oh...my...god.... MY BEARD!!  (Looks at mirror and
dies, unable to look at her own face uncovered)  
Andy.  (Barely able to breath)  I don’t understand...(gasp)...What happened to
her?  
Ade.  Without her beard to shield her from her disgusting ugliness, she got
an eyefull of her true looks and died.  
Andy.  She..(gasp)...deserved it.  
Ade.  I know!  
Andy.  Ade...(gasp)...I love you!  (Dies)
Ade. ANDY!  NO!!  (Grasps him in her arms, then, tearing herself away,
glances at the mirror just as her last oily hair falls away)  AHHHHHHH!!!!
(Dies)  

Scene: The tomb, a few hours later

(Wizard, Leo, Meganfoolli, Andy’s parents, and several others are there)
Leo. (To Meganfoolli) ...So you went to bring flowers to Andy’s grave and saw
them lying there, dead?  (Megan nods)  But why?  And why did Ade kill
herself for an Amish? 
Meg. (Sighs sadly) Well...
(A police officer comes in dragging Sarah, hysterical from hours of Danny
Elfman)  
Officer.  We found this girl locked up in a Hansonite temple.  We caught the
girl who did this to her, and have her in custody.  But this one here claims to
know what happened.  
Sar.  Yeah.  (Explains what happened)  
Leo. (To Meganfoolli) And is this the way it happened?
Meg.

Tune: Let Joy and Innocence Prevail

I tell you of a girl
She was a complete weirdo
her lover was a young boy from Amish country
They met and he had wooed her
And I heard of her great love for him
Their families were great enemies and theirs hearts were full of hate
By the plotting of a Russian spy
Their hate grew of each other
but Ade and Andy’s devotion knew of no real bounds
But Andy was sold out to be married to another girl
He said ‘Never shall I wed’ and pretended to be dead

Let Andy and dear Ade Prevail
Let Andy and dear Ade Prevail
Believe the truth of this sad tale
Let Andy and dear Ade Prevail

Meg.  And one night, tonight we heard a wailing sound and started walking to
the source.  We found Electra bound and she died in Adrienne’s arms.  Her
hope gone, she went over to Andy’s tomb to join him in his eturnal sleep, but
the moment the nair was applied, Andy rose again.

Young Andy saw what Ade had done to herself for him
‘I thought that you had died and tried to join you then’
But when they tried to wash it off, the Russian attacked them
And Ade defeated Heather, but Andy died all the same
Ade just cried out the injustice of true love ending so sadly
Glanced in the mirror at her self and her own death
And I say, with all my heart, that she will remain beside him
And their love abates all hate of their two families

Let Andy and dear Ade Prevail
Let Andy and dear Ade Prevail
Believe you all my sad tale
Let Andy and dear Ade Prevail

Let Andy and dear Ade Prevail
Let Andy and dear Ade Prevail
Believe you all my sad tale
Let their Joy and Innocence Prevail

Leo.  So that’s it.  How pathetic.  I’m going to my bakery!  
All.  I’m going home, too.  Bye.  
(Exit All)
Ghostly voice of Meganfoolli.  So the tale is told and all have went back to
their homes.  The Wisehorns and the Evans made peace between them and
the Amish and technomaniacs have been friends since.  Many years have
passed between that time and now, but if you go to the cemetary and search
out the grave with the enlarged stone fairy on it, you can find the name of
our heroin next to the name of our hero written inside a heart:  Adrienne
and Andy Bob Wisehorn Evans.  
The End
(Click)