2:1After the beating was thorough and complete, the Great Celestrial WeeSaul led His people into the wilderness (not the wilderness where the Great Celestrial WeeSaul come unto the flaming post, but yet another wilderness). 2:2Whereupon the Chosen Few and the Great Celestrial WeeSaul came unto a mountain. 2:3And the Heavens opened forth and GODD said unto the Great Celestrial WeeSaul, "Get thy ass up here, now! And maketh haste for I don't have all eternity to wait for thee!" 2:4And the Great Celestrial WeeSaul said unto GODD, "Yes, Boss." 2:5Preparations where made for the journey which included the gathering of wild cheese blocks and the making of toast and the brewing of vast quantities of coffee. 2:6Before setting out upon the journey, the Great Celestrial WeeSaul said unto His Chosen Few, "Party on, groovy folks. I am off to see GODD. And whilst I am gone follow my teachings 'cause I don't want to be pissed off upon returning from my journey. Understood? The Great Celestrial WeeSaul came from GODD and to GODD, Wee must all return one day." 2:7And the Chosen Few all rejoiced and yelled in one voice, "Bitchin'!!!!"
3:1And the Great Celestrial WeeSaul set off upon his journey... 3:2Many days and nights and drinking of vast quantities of coffee followed. 3:3At the end of the third week, the vast quantity of coffee was no more, none to be found anywhere, neither amongst the rocks nor in the streams, neither amongst the trees nor in the fields. 3:4"No coffee!" the Great Celestrial WeeSaul screamed. 3:5A voice was heard, a Wee voice, barely but a whisper. "What is it thou seeks?" 3:6A startled Great Celestrial WeeSaul grabbed the only object he could find that could be used as a weapon, his last slice of toast. "Who are thee and what dost thou want?" 3:7"Thou art but a silly Wee one," spake the voice which was but a whisper. 3:8And with those words, the Great Celestrial WeeSaul saw that it was a pixie that hast spoken to him. 3:9Something was familiar yet supernatural about this pixie, clad in a black PVC catsuit with so white, blindingly white, that it nearly caused the Great Celestrial WeeSaul to fall upon the ground. 3:10"Well ma'am... 3:11um... 3:12I have been summoned by GODD for GODD wishes me to receive His Commandments. And... 3:13um... 3:14I sure could use a cup of coffee." 3:15"Coffee?" spake the pixie. 3:16"Yes, coffee," the Great Celestrial WeeSaul said unto her. 3:17"Well why didn't you say so in the first place? I just put a pot on," the pixie said unto the Great Celestrial WeeSaul, "and as for GODD, He lives atop that rock," pointing with her black bedecked nail of her index finger. 3:18"Thank ye so very much for thy act of generosity and kindness." 3:19With that a tear came to the Great Celestrial WeeSaul eyes and He proceeded to drink the warm, freshly brewed java which was the best cup of coffee He had ever had, must be some heavy magic possessed by the pixie. 3:20"Now I must be off to see GODD now and thank ya again ever so much." 3:21And with a kiss to her cheek, the Great Celestrial WeeSaul set forth to at last see GODD. 3:22The Great Celestrial WeeSaul had little problem getting to the home of GODD from where he had met the pixie. 3:23And when he finally reached the top of the rock, he looked to and fro. 3:24"Wow", the Great Celestrial WeeSaul was amazed, the home of GODD was much larger on the outside than one would imagine. 3:25And there He was, GODD, bald... bald? Which was somewhat anticlimactic but pleasing in a Buddha-kinda way, wearing a white bathrobe and flip-flops. 3:26GODD was not pleased, not at all, and in a voice, which roared like thunder, said unto the Great Celestrial WeeSaul, "I told thee to get thy ass up here and thou spent Three weeks getting here? 3:27The distance thou had to travel was but Three miles!" 3:28"Well... 3:29uuummm... 3:30I was lost?" spoke the Great Celestrial WeeSaul in a voice as weak as de-caf. 3:31"That is right, thy brain is as bright as a 25 watt light bulb." GODD stated whilst shaking His head. 3:32The Great Celestrial WeeSaul asked, "What's a light bulb?" 3:33"Hhhhhmmmm, don't worry Thyself over it, light bulbs haven't been invented yet," GODD answered. 3:34"That is not why I have commanded thee to come here. 3:35Thou art the Chosen of the Chosen Few. 3:36And I have great plans for thee. 3:37Thou shall givest these Commandments to Thy people for they are the Laws of GODD and I, being GODD, want them to be followed. Dost thou understand?" 3:38"Umm... 3:39yepper..." spoke the Great Celestrial WeeSaul. 3:40"By the way, from now until the end of time, thou shall be known as the AntiCrust, got it?" 3:41"Groovy, G-Man, be seeing ya," muttered the Great Celestrial WeeSaul as His ass was struck by a bolt of lightening. 3:42"And don't call me, G-Man! 3:43Get thy ass in gear! " was all the Great Celestrial WeeSaul heard as he ran from the home of GODD.
4:1The Great Celestrial WeeSaul who shall be henceforth known as the AntiCrust ran as any rational Child of GODD would from the wrath of GODD 4:2for as it is written, once smited, twice shy 4:3unless of course thou dost enjoy the smiting which is an entirely different matter all together 4:4and for which thou wilst be not smited upon decent into the nether regions 4:5and not the nether regions that thou hast just thought of Mr. and/or Ms. PottyBrain but the nether regions which are reserved for noddy folks. 4:6Many days in the wilderness followed by many nights and even many more days and quite a lot of nights were spent in the AntiCrust's journey back to His Chosen Few and upon His return, 4:7see the journey had ended without any sort of misadventure whatsoever, 4:8the AntiCrust found His Chosen Few engaged in all sorts of pagan ceremonies and ritual and orgies and sacrificing and whatnot 4:9and He was most displeased for not only was He not invited but He also thought that He had failed in His teachings. 4:10The AntiCrust in a voice, which roared as a million gnats in the ears of the Chosen Few spoke. "I have come with a gift from GODD" 4:11and the Chosen Few in one voice replied, "What is it? Give Us the gift from GODD!" 4:12The AntiCrust lifted above His head 3 stone tables and proclaimed, "I, the AntiCrust, being chosen by GODD shall give to thee this gift from GODD, 4:13these here Commandments which thou shalt live out thy lives and be thee happy and such". 4:14The Chosen Few as one... or maybe three... but definitely not four, bowed their heads and spoke the word, "Bummer". 4:15And the AntiCrust was somewhat shocked and said unto the Chosen Few, "Ah, come on, it ain't that bad a gift and to prove it I shall read from the three sacred stone thingies... uuuummmm... OK... GODD's Commandments are as follows... 4:16Thou shall give tithes of pies to the AntiCrust freely and often. 4:17Thou shall drink only the finest of beers, none of that cheap stuff. 4:18Thou shall consume cheese, lots of cheese. Thou shall not taunt the AntiCrust in any way, unless the mood strikes thy fancy. 4:19Thou shall e-mail the AntiCrust and tell Him that thou loves everything about His site. 4:20Thou shall not e-mail the AntiCrust and tell Him that thou dost not like the graphics on His site. 4:21Thou shall not e-mail the AntiCrust and tell Him that the time necessary to download His pages is far too long. 4:22Thou shall not e-mail the AntiCrust and tell Him that thou dost not like the music on His site. 4:23Thou shall not post to the UseNet in HTML, dammit! 4:24Thou shall not use groovy backgrounds on thy web sites unless thou really wants to annoy people visiting thy site. 4:25Thou shall not reply to a UseNet post at the beginning of the post. 4:26Thou shall drink coffee when thou hast no beer or when thou are in the mood. 4:27Thou shall, upon meeting the AntiCrust, give Him a kiss on the cheek and a five-dollar bill (US), amen. 4:28Thou shall sign the Great Celestrial Guestbook Thingie at least once in thy lifetime. 4:29Thou shall not take the AntiCrust name in vain but thou shall take it to thy grave. 4:30Thou shall do everything the AntiCrust says even if it sounds silly. 4:31Thou shall not consume anything labeled "Low Fat". 4:32And dat's dat, My Chosen Few". 4:33From amidst the throng, a weak and shy voice sayth unto the AntiCrust, "Hey babe, I thought You said that this was a gift from GODD. Why does it seem to revolve You? What's up widdat?" 4:34"Hey! you are so correct... hhhhhhmmmm... kinda neat ain't it? GODD, you must understand, works in mysterious ways and these are His Commandments and they must be followed, dammit! 4:35Party on, dudes, for tomorrow We must set off for the Promised Land2.0." 4:36"Groovy," came from the Chosen Few.
5:1And so it came pass that on the morning after... 5:2well, actually, the afternoon after, since no one was in any condition to set off for the Promised Land2.0 that morning... 5:3well, ya know, with all the fun and making of mirth and such, 5:4the AntiCrust and the Chosen Few set off, back into the wilderness on Their way to the Promised Land2.0, the land of Coffee and Toast and some Cheese and Beer but not that American girlie piss and Pies and Whiskey (114 proof minimum). 5:5Many days and many nights of wandering 5:6and "Are We there yet?"'s 5:7and countless numbers of potty stops 5:8and "Can We pull off and view the world's largest hairball?"'s 5:9and lots of stuff which could be written down as scripture but won't because thou art on a need to know basis only 5:10and because only one life time can be used in the writing of the sacred scriptures 5:11and all of the deeds and doings and goings on would take at least three life times to record, K? 5:12Through the vast waste of CyberSpace, the AntiCrust and His Chosen Few wandered, 5:13ending at last in a tiny (Wee in fact) NewsGroup with an extremely long and somewhat peculiar name - alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk 5:14and, as one, the group asked the Most High Holy Question, 5:15"What is Flonk?" 5:16And the Exalted Master of Flonk, the Mad Hatter and Flaagg (who look much as GODD) stepped from beyond the Spam and Flaagg spoke, 5:17"Through knowledge, there is truth and in truth, there is Flonk." 5:18"Groovy, cryptic-mystic dude, " proclaimed the AntiCrust. 5:19And the multitude rejoiced. 5:20And all were happy and much making of merry followed. 5:21And life was good. 5:22And the AntiCrust and His Chosen Few were warm and safe from harm. 5:23At least for a short while...
6:1There is a time to every purpose, a time for WAR! for example. 6:2And WAR! came to the Promised Land2.0 much as it had with the Cousards but this WAR! wasn’t at all enjoyable. 6:3This was WAR! in its ugliest form, a total, scorched earth, mass grave kinda WAR! 6:4And no one giggled. 6:5There was nothing fun at all about this WAR! 6:6The Philistines sent the Bots of Chaos into the Promised Land2.0 and the land became a barren wasteland 6:7and there were many casualties but the AntiCrust and His Chosen Few and friendly legions from the Empire of Meow with GODD’s help proved to the world that good shall indeed triumph in the end. 6:8And the Promised Land2.0 was again a wonderful place to snuggle up to a good friend and drink a nice warm cup of Coffee.
7:1And an Angel came unto to AntiCrust and said unto Him, "Fear me not for I am but an ion cloud with curly blond hair." 7:2And the AntiCrust looked unto the Angel and said unto Her, "How can I fear thee? 7:3You are of the vision I had whence I was but a child. 7:4You are the reason why I have become who I’ve become." 7:5And the Angel blushed for She thought it was a lovely thingie to say at that moment. 7:6And the AntiCrust felt as if He had to be the biggest idiot on the face of the planet for He at times says more than He should 7:7and He should at times leave well enough alone. 7:8But the blushing Angel made Him feel that at least this time He may have actually done the right thingie in speaking what was on His mind. 7:9And the AntiCrust upon realizing that fact was left absolutely and utterly speechless. 7:10"I am here to give assistance to Thy cause for Thou art the one who shall save the Earth from destroying itself." 7:11"You are... you want to... 7:12I... 7:13huh?" spoke the AntiCrust babbling much as an idiot still in awe of the curling blonde ion cloud with whom He had always wanted to chat with on a one on one basis 7:14and now that the time had come, He couldn’t speak if His life depended on it. 7:15The Angel said unto the AntiCrust, "Cut it out, I mean it. 7:16What can I do to be of assistance?" 7:17"Well, hhhhhmmmm... 7:18I never realized that so much was to be done by one such as Myself... hhhhhmmmm... 7:19well, I guess I could use an Assistant with whom I could place in command of the Faithful in the event that I should ever be absent for any length of time... 7:20and well... 7:21shoot... 7:22I guess I could be in need of someone who could brighten My darkest days with a few nice words... hhhhhmmmm... 7:23well, I suppose that’s it. 7:24If that’s too much trouble, just say so and I shall relieve you of some of these responsibilities, K?" 7:25And the Angel spoke unto the AntiCrust, "I shall do the Assistant thingie 7:26but as for the brighten of Thy day stuff, I don’t know, all I can do is send a message to Thee once in a great while." 7:27And to this the AntiCrust replied, "Thank you so very much, ma’am 7:28and a message every so often is really more than I can ask for but if you would like to do so, I shall be more than happy to receive them." 7:29And upon that day, the Angel became henceforth known as the Associate AntiCrust 7:30and the AntiCrust was most happy. 7:31And much drinking of Coffee and eating of Cheese followed. 7:32And the world once again safe for democracy, huh? 7:33Oooopppsss! 7:34And the world was once again safe from the forces of evil and other thingies. 7:35And there was much dancing and wearing of party hats.
8:1And unto the AntiCrust came a messenger of Disciple #8 with a message that read, "Your Church is complete 8:2and I ain’t full of shit either. 8:3The Temple of the Omniscient Anticrust, Son of the Toast is open for business upon this day 8:4and tithing shall commence momentarily". 8:5"Tell Disciple #8 that this is indeed a good thingie that he has done 8:6and that for his hard work and effort he shall be given the official title of "The Most Exalted High Holy Priest" 8:7and that all the honour and glory of such a position shall be bestowed unto him this day, Amen", the AntiCrust said unto the messenger, 8:8"and get thee off and maketh haste for Somebody must know and must know now, dammit! 8:9For this is the word of the AntiCrust!" 8:10And the messenger, in great fear and in much haste made tracks to Disciple #8. 8:11And Disciple #8 was happy as well he should be for this was a very good thingie he had done 8:12and the AntiCrust was most honoured and consumed vast quantities of Coffee. 8:13And so the Church opened and all rejoiced, from the Crumbs up to the AntiCrust Himself 8:14and not one single reference to shooting a certain world leader was made for as all knowth governments haven’t a clue as to what life in the Promised Land2.0 is all about. 8:15And in all the reveling, Disciple #8 and other Disciples found love. 8:16And everyone sang and everyone danced for love is a good thingie 8:17and love is in the message We are giving unto the Earth. 8:18And Flaagg stepped from amongst the crowd looking again much as GODD, which scares the poop out of some 8:19and offered his blessing unto the Promised Land2.0, "In Love thou shalt find the Truth and in the Truth thou shalt find Flonk." 8:20And all responded, "Groovy, cryptic-mystic dude!" 8:21And hugs and smooches flowed freely as freshly brewed Coffee which is very good thingie indeed.
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