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The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents:
Lord of the Rings -
The Fellowship of the Ring - "Forboding Drum Music"
Galadriel:
In the beginning, Sauron was evil and screwed up Middle Earth.
Sauron:
I am evil. Here are some magic rings so that I can control your souls.
Galadriel:
Luckily, most people were pissed that Sauron screwed up Middle Earth, and decided to do something about it.
Isildur:
Sauron, you killed my father, so I'm going to smite you with my magic broken sword.
Sauron:
Daaagh! My trigger finger!
Masses:
Woah, shock wave.
Isildur:
What a pretty ring. I think I'll submit to my weak and selfish human desires.
Elrond:
Silly human! Rings are for evil overlords!
Isildur:
Yeah, whatever...darn it, I've been shot.
Galadriel:
So anyway blah blah Gollum found ring blah blah made him evil blah blah lost it blah Bilbo found it blah blah we're all doomed yada yada yada.
-O-
Gandalf:
Look everyone, I'm back in the Shire.
Frodo:
Woohoo! It's my only chance in this movie to be happy!
Gandalf:
Good for you. Let's see how many names of chapters we can add into the dialogue.
Bilbo:
I feel like leaving here, crawling into some caves and fingering my beautiful ring.
Gandalf:
Stupid low ceiling rafters...
Bilbo:
Time for par-tay-ing!
Pippin:
We're here to provide comic relief.
Merry:
Let's cause destruction and mayhem!
Gandalf:
You've been bad boys. Go do the dishes!
Bilbo:
Well, it's been fun and all, but it's time to mysteriously disappear.
Frodo:
This can't be good.
-O-
Gandalf:
Bilbo, you're not funny.
Bilbo:
Yeah, well, what do you know, you big hairy oaf?!
Gandalf:
You should know by now that it's NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO PISS ME OFF!!!
Bilbo:
eeeeeep!
Bilbo:
Fine, I'll let go of the ring...man, this thing's sticky.
Gandalf:
I am disturbed.
Frodo:
Where'd everybody go?
Gandalf:
Bye, Frodo. Pay no attention to the fact that I am seriously disturbed.
-O-
Gandalf:
Good thing there's this random library that has records of everything that's ever happened anywhere.
Gandalf:
Let's see...I'll look under "E" for evil magic rings...uh oh, I think we're doomed.
-O-
Frodo:
This place is giving me the heebie-jeebies.
Gandalf:
Speaking of which...boo.
Frodo:
Waaugh! You're all ragged and sweaty!
Gandalf:
Hey Frodo, that magic ring you inherited is actually the brainchild of evil incarnate and will bring about the destruction of everything.
Gandalf:
Just so you know.
Frodo:
The angst is taking over already...
Sam:
I know nothing! I am completely and totally ignorant!
Gandalf:
Since you're such a bad liar, you're going to help Frodo.
Frodo:
This sounds dangerous...I better practice my brooding.
-O-
Gandalf:
Whassup, Saruman?
Saruman:
Maybe if you hadn't been smoking hobbit-weed, you would have noticed I've turned evil.
Palantir:
I am swirly and dark.
Saruman:
Let's engage in a wizard levitation battle.
Gandalf:
No, I don't think so...ow, my shoulder!
Saruman:
Eat sharp pointy ceiling!!
-O-
Sam:
Tra-la-la, let's go off on a grand adventure!
Frodo:
Huh?...Sorry, the angsty symbolism's giving me asthma.
Pippin:
Here, hold this food while we bolt.
Sam:
Run away! Ack, sudden cliff!
Frodo:
I smell forboding.
Black Rider:
Fear me, for I am tall, black, evil and badass!
Frodo:
Noooo problems there.
Black Rider:
Have yu da wing?
Merry:
I say we chuck rocks at their heads.
Merry:
On second thought, I say we run like heck for the nearest body of water.
Black Rider:
Curse your furry little feet!
-O-
Pippin:
Nobody loves us hobbits.
Fans:
WE LOVE YOU!!!
Frodo:
Too many big people! Why's everyone staring at me?
Masses:
With that face, how can we NOT stare at you?
Pippin:
Beer is fun!
Frodo:
Pippin, stop being a drunken idiot...whoops, accidentally put the ring on.
Eye of Sauron:
Peek-a-boo, I see you!
Frodo:
Yikes, evil mind trips are scary!
Aragorn:
Frodo, you dumbell! Now I'm going to drag you upstairs and tan your hide good 'n proper!
Frodo:
What's up with you?
Aragorn:
We're all doomed, so don't mess up anymore!
Sam:
Unhand my partner!...I mean my friend.
Aragorn:
Chill out, Sam. Go set up a really big bed for all of us.
Nightwatch:
Hello, Black Riders. I'm afraid those horses aren't going to fit through the door.
Black Rider:
That's no problem. SMUSH.
Aragorn:
That unearthly shriek means our time is up! Grab a pony and let's scram.
Sam:
Aragorn's dark and brooding.
Frodo:
Just like me, only taller.
-O-
Gandalf:
Well, I'm trapped on top of this dark tower for months...I could really use some PC solitare right now.
Moth:
I offered to carry Gandalf away, but he said to get something bigger. What do wizards know, anyway?...
Saruman:
Arise, my slimy snarling hordes of death!
Uruk-Hai:
What do you mean, you didn't make any females? You expect us all to be gay or something?!!
-O-
Aragorn:
You hobbits hang out here while I leave you to get attacked by your mortal enemies.
Pippin:
Sounds good to me! Who's up for some toast?
Frodo:
There's a time and a place for stupidity, but this isn't it.
Black Rider:
Our swords are bigger than yours, so I'd say we have the advantage.
Frodo:
Maybe if I put on the ring, they'll forget I'm here...ow, that stings.
Ring:
Another bad situation made worse by yours truly...how symbolic can you get?
-O-
Saruman:
We're all doomed, Gandalf. You should be evil.
Gandalf:
I've had about enough of your unconvincing pessimism. Ignore that giant eagle behind you.
Saruman:
I'll get you, my pretty...and your little hobbit, too!
-O-
Frodo:
I am in pain.
Aragorn:
Since we're out of motrin, I'm going to go find us some kingsfoil.
Arwen:
I am shiny and accompanied by an angelic chorus. You may now drool over my melodius elvish dialogue.
Fans:
Drool...
Arwen:
Don't worry, I'll take Frodo to Rivendell.
Aragorn:
Can't let you do that...protective male instincts are rising to the surface.
Arwen:
Are you sure something else isn't rising?...
Black Rider:
Maybe our horses could run faster if they weren't decked out in fearsome armor.
River Horse:
You guys need a shower.
Black Rider:
Gurgle, blub, blub.
-O-
Frodo:
I had this horrible nightmare that I had this ring and was chased by black dudes and...oh wait, that actually happened. Darn it all...
Sam:
Yaay, the love of my life is alive!
Frodo:
.....
Aragorn:
Hey, Boromir. Still being an ignorant ego-tripping pain in the butt?
Boromir:
Look at the remains of this magical sword...ouch! Stupid symbolism...
Aragorn:
That's very interesting, but I have to go make out with Arwen right now.
Elrond:
Well, Gandalf, we're all doomed. What should we do about it?
Gandalf:
Gimli and Legolas were suggesting a massive orgy, but I was thinking more along the lines of a different sort of fellowship.
Elrond:
Me too. Okay, we've got nine people here...can everyone please say one thing that's unique about themselves?
Frodo:
I'm angst incarnate.
Aragorn:
I'm badass-ness incarnate.
Sam:
No one can figure out my sexual orientation.
Pippin:
My life revolves around food and beer.
Merry:
I'm part of the comic relief duo.
Boromir:
I'm an ignorant ego-tripping pain in the butt.
Legolas:
I'm so pretty it's not even funny.
Gimli:
I really need a woman, a prozac and a haircut.
Gandalf:
I really should have won best supporting actor.
Bill:
I'm the pack animal.
Elrond:
Alright, looks good to me. Even though we're still doomed, the fact that you're working together makes me feel *cough* better.
Gimli:
Let's skip the entire way there!
Pippin:
No, let's gang up on Boromir!
Birds:
Look, it's the Fellowship. Let's fly over there and crap on their heads.
Boromir:
Eeek! Hide!
Gandalf:
Birds are too scary. Let's face blinding snowstorms instead.
Legolas:
While you're trudging along in waist-deep snow, I'll skip along on top!
Frodo:
This isn't funny.
Gimli:
Let's go to Moria.
Gandalf:
Let's not and say we did.
Saruman:
Here's a little avalanche to encourage you along.
-O-
Lake Monster:
Ha-ha, I've got Frodo!
Sam:
You can't have him, he's mine!
Boromir:
I knew dwarves were hostile, but even I didn't expect them to welcome us with a carpet of rotting corpses.
Gimli:
Shoot...all this crying is going to make my beard damp.
Aragorn:
Forboding drum music...I sense an incoming battle scene.
Troll:
I am like a video game boss character that takes 20 hits to kill instead of just one.
Legolas:
Dogpile on the troll!!
Frodo:
Ack, I've been skewered!
Fans:
Nooo, don't kill the bishounen!....Oh wait, we have a couple of spares.
Frodo:
Good thing I was wearing this impenetrable mail that no one else seemed to notice.
Aragorn:
We just finished a battle scene and there's more forboding drum music...now I'm getting nervous.
Balrog:
I am the coolest CGI character here. Eat flaming whip!
Gandalf:
I am not intimidated...okay, so I am. This situation calls for some serious religious symbolism.
Frodo:
Gandalf has died...time for five minutes of angsty slow-motion!
Aragorn:
Stop crying, you babies! That means you, Boromir.
-O-
Gimli:
Lothlorien is scary! Protect me, Legolas!
Elf Guard:
Only pretty people are welcome here...the dwarf's going to need a bag over his head.
Galadriel:
Telepathy is fun!
Boromir:
Stop looking at me with your mind!
Frodo:
Hey, Galadriel. You're not planning on giving me any torturous clairvoyant memories, are you?
Galadriel:
What a nice ring...it makes me want to do A NEGATIVE FILM EXPOSURE FREAK-OUT!!
Frodo:
I am disturbed by your freak-out-ness! I think we should leave now.
Galadriel:
Before you go, take this light crystal. That aura around it is actually gaseous foreshadowing.
Sam:
I wanna go in Frodo's boat...
-O-
Saruman:
Orcs are actually messed-up elves. But you guys are perfect.
Uruk-Hai:
I haven't been able to find a mirror, but from what I can tell, we're still messed up.
Saruman:
Forget about that...just go kill all the pretty people, and bring the really short pretty people here.
Uruk-Hai:
If we kill them, will we not be ugly anymore?
Saruman:
Well...no. But at least they won't be pretty!
-O-
Aragorn:
Check out these gigantical statues. Can't you hear the sudden rise in the score?
Frodo:
Ugh, too much angst...I need some fresh air.
Boromir:
Mind if I borrow that instrument of our doom? I "promise" I'll give it right back.
Frodo:
Help, Boromir's trying to rape me!
Boromir:
Your short little legs are a disadvantage to you!...Crap, I tripped.
Eye of Sauron:
I'm back to give you even more reason to angst.
Aragorn:
Don't worry Frodo, I'm not going to rape you like Boromir.
Frodo:
I appreciate that, but I'm still too angsty to hang around.
Uruk-Hai:
Kill the pretty people!!
Pippin:
There's nothing funny about being self-sacrificing...
Merry:
...And I think that sucks.
Boromir:
I feel like a pincushion.
Aragorn:
You're just jealous because all of the fans are rooting for me.
Lurtz:
I'm another one of those characters that needs 20 hits to die.
Aragorn:
Now stand aside, worthy adversary!
Lurtz's Head:
'Tis but a scratch.
Aragorn:
A scratch? Your head's off!
Lurtz's Head:
No it isn't.
Aragorn:
Look!
Lurtz's Head:
.....I've had worse.
Aragorn:
You liar!
Lurtz's Head:
C'mon, ye pansy!
Aragorn:
(Kicks head, goes rolling down the hill)
Boromir:
Come and give me a goodbye kiss.
Aragorn:
Okay, but just the forehead.
Legolas:
Well, Boromir's dead and we lost all the hobbits...if things keep going like this, we're definitely screwed.
Gimli:
I'll feel a whole lot better as soon as we start killing things.
-O-
Sam:
Come baaack! If I can't have you, I'll drown myself!
Frodo:
Just go away, Sam...wait, you were actually serious.
Sam:
I'll never let go!
Frodo:
Look, there's Mordor. I'm sure the next movie's going to be just as happy and lighthearted as this one.
Fans:
Speaking of which...is it December yet?!!
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