Tze Tze used to be a very cool girl. She had the shortest fingernails on the planet and they were always painted bright brown. She had the best buzz cut anyone had ever seen. It was even better than Orlando Bloom’s.
Tze Tze’s friends wanted to be just like her, so despite the bribes they were bribed with and the threats they were threatened with, shaved their heads as well. Tze Tze’s friends wanted to be just like her. They wanted bright brown nail polish and fancy bobular hats. They even all liked the same guy, who wore turqoise hats every day without fail over his very curly hair at the top of his very tall head.
But unfortunately, Tze Tze, as most people like her did, took all these things for granted. She never ever considered that one day she would lose her buzz cut to a mangy mane, or that she would be given claw-like fingernails. She didn’t even consider the fact that she may someday have magical powers. It was simply too preposterous.
One day in June, Tze Tze was riding home on a crowded bus from the Hobo Shopping Center. She was very weary after spending all morning running around with a shopping cart throwing in bottles of bright brown nail polish and hair gel.
A very dramatic-looking old lady came onto the bus. She had very long brown hair and claw-like fingers. Her bag was made of mohair. Her dress was blood red and fell all the way to the floor, through the bus, into the ground, and all the way to China. She had sparkles sparkling all around her hands and eyes like magic.
While the entire bus stared at this dramatic 500-year-old, Tze Tze acted with indifference. She was much cooler than this character.
“May I sit down here?” the lady asked in a creaky old voice. Tze Tze looked up and found that the lady was talking to her.
“No,” Tze Tze snarled, making a mean llama face. “I’m saving this seat for a goat.”
The old lady laughed and laughed. “You’ll regret this.”
“Oh, yeah?” Tze Tze smirked. “I am very popular. I have a lot of friends and a cool haircut, unlike yours. I have short nails. And I have brown nail polish. Bright brown.”
“That can all be changed,” replied the lady. She waved her waving fingers at Tze Tze, and all of a sudden, was gone.
The bus stopped at the park, which was where Tze Tze wanted to go. She got off the bus and walked over to the pond to watch the ducks. Tze Tze looked down at her hands as she opened the door and fell flat onto her face.
Her nails weren’t short anymore! They were long and pale white, not fabulously bright brown. Getting up off the ground, Tze Tze discovered she was wearing a long and dramatic dress, blood red. Tze Tze slapped her hands onto her head, and felt the stubble of her shaven head was absent. Instead, she had long and wavy brown hair.
That stupid witch! She had cursed Tze Tze to look like her, and that was a curse indeed. Tze Tze turned around and marched right back onto that bus and rode it all the way home, enraged the entire time.
The next day Tze Tze had to go to school and face her peers. They were all shocked and sympathetic for about a minute, and then ignored her. They instead started worshipping the new girl, Chenny, who wore denim hotpants and flip-flops and carried her backpack around to her classes.
Tze Tze spent months in misery, wanting to know why she had been instantly forgotten. Couldn’t her “friends” realize she was the same person, under the dress and the hair and the nails? Why didn’t they see how much cooler she was than this Chenny girl? Aargh!
Over the course of her suffering, Tze Tze learned that she had magical powers. She developed these powers by turning the principal, Mrs. Machine, into a turkey, and other such acts of kindness. Tze Tze could also transform into a goat one day a year: the day before the ides of June.
In honor of Tze Tze and her sufferings, we now celebrate National Goat Appreciation Day on June 14th annually. It is a tradition that may not last into the high school years, so let’s all party before N.G.A.D. is dead and rotting!!!
TZE TZE AND THE HELPY HELPERTONS
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