A Letter to Judson College

My Letters\Article IV: To My Beloved Brothers and Sisters in Christ Jesus and to the Family of Believers at Judson College

03.22.01

I have reached the hardest decision in my life. My life has been full of struggle and turmoil. I have had to make many tough decisions, but this, by far, exceeds all others. I say to you, now, that I must leave you and leave you with the fondest memories. I know that it was God's will for me to come here, but now I wonder if it is not a mistake to remain here. We know that God's will is not a thing set in stone or juxtaposed in some static vacuum. Therefore, it once was right, and the very best thing, for me to be among you, but now, it is not. I must confess; I am a liar, among other things. When I said I came here for Architecture, it was a lie. Now, that I am no longer an Architecture major, the secret is out. I didn't come here for Architecture, and I didn't stay here for English. There were a number of Architecture schools, closer to home and accredited, that would have given me a full ride. In all honesty, the English program here is not all that special. English programs are a-dime-a-dozen. I came here for the people, I stayed here for the people, and I would commute 2500 miles across the country to be with you all. But, I must concede that that is neither rational nor the will of God. I came to Judson, a safe-haven, as a wrecked ship. The life I had before was filled with unimaginable horrors, which now seem virtually inconsequential. I came here, carrying with me a barrage of psychoses: post-traumatic stress, cognitive dissidence, social anxiety disorder, among others. With all my emotional baggage, I left no friends behind for I had none. I came from an overtly hostile, in-fact dangerous, environment. At Judson, which to me is its people, not the institution, I found a generally positive environment. I found people who were not bent on my destruction, some, in fact, who chose to love me in spite of all my baggage. I am, now, leaving behind the most I have ever had to leave behind. Whatever anyone says about the college, you are all blessed to be here. Whatever disappointment you have found here has been met by an abundance of love, emotional and personal fulfillment, and pure joy. Whatever anyone says of me, let it be said that I have loved you. I love you all. I could not always express it, as I can express so little. There has never been a time when I would have put myself above any one of you. There is nothing you could have asked of me that I would not have done. You are all dear to me. You have been a balm on my deepest wounds. I used to look at my wounds and wonder where God was. Now, I look at my scars and see the fingerprints of God. For many years, I longed to feel God. In those darkest days of suicidal contemplation, I wished to be held in His loving arms. Then, I came here, and you were God to me. You, who were made in His image, became incarnate Christs to me. Through you, I have rediscovered the love of God. Let it always be said, "I have faired well in the hereafter, for I have had your love." God bless you all. Forever, your brother in the Lord Jesus Christ,

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