What I Don't Apologize For

I have at times in my life found myself regretful or apologetic about a few things. I regret that angry time in my life and the things I thought, said, and nearly actualized. I am sorry for the shadow of doubt my brothers and sisters have cast on Christ in the minds of my fellow men and women. I am ashamed at how those calling themselves Christians have perverted and subverted our faith. I even sometimes find myself feeling sorry for how I have at times given people the wrong impression or even offended them because of my extreme obscurity and awkwardness in social settings. But, I will never apologize for who I am. It has been a journey to find out who I am, and as I am, as all people are, a growing and changing individual, who I am is ever-changing. Still, it has only been in the last few years that I have been really accepting for myself who I am. For too many years, I was beat down and told I was worthless scum. For too many years, I embraced a philosophy that held I was intrinsically defective and needed to change, to become something other than what I was, in order to be a whole person. I am flawed; I am a human being. But, I do not need to change who I am fundamentally as a person in order to be a whole person. I have finally come to a place in my life where I can be happy with who I am, and that is a vastly more healthy place to be than where I was before. One should never be full of oneself, and a person should always be seeking to improve oneself. But, too many times, we fall into the trap of self-loathing, and we do not need to change who we are fundamentally, as people, our very identity, in order to improve upon our faults. Orientation is not a fault. Our orientation is not the result of psychological, physiological, or sexual trauma. Our orientation is innate. It is deeper and more intrinsic than even our sexual identities. Gay men are not born homosexuals, rather they are born as men, intrinsically more fulfilled by being with other men. I am attracted to other men physically, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. I derive greater satisfaction by being with a man than I could ever derive from being with a woman. I recognize the beauty in women and appreciate their role in our culture, I respect and honor women, but I have no emotional, intellectual, physical, or sexual attraction to women whatsoever. I, as all gay men do, feel a sense of completion in just being around other men. That is orientation; it is deeper and more far-reaching than sexuality. Not all gay men are sexually promiscuous. Some of us are old fashioned. We believe in monogamy. I believe monogamy is a beautiful thing, almost a thing to be worshipped. I am a Christian. I believe in the Gospel. I believe in the saving grace of Christ. I believe in the redemption of the blood of Christ. I am an intellect. I use big words and don't apologize for it. I am a writer. I love language and can only truly express myself through the written word. I am an artist. I can see beauty in the simplest things. I am a survivor. I have taken much abuse and carry with me scars, but I still live and thrive. I am deathly fearful and distrustful of people, though I put on armor of shallow confidence. I am compassionate. It was a gift from birth, and it still flows from my heart as a river. I am a gay man. I am desperately seeking a man with whom I may share my life. I am a 1003-year-old man in a 21-year-old's body. I have the maturity and wisdom of the ages and insight and intuition to match. I am all of these things and more, and I don't apologize for it. It would be suicide to deny any part of myself. These things are not in conflict; they are not contrary. They are all part of who I am, and I don't apologize for that.

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