Eliza's Update

Me... Then And Now

23 December

So only in the Bay Area would you encounter this situation: you walk into an authentic Chinese Food bakery... point to an interestingly wrapped (in banana leaf) item and ask the woman "So what's inside this exactly?" and get a responce of "OH... It's like a Chinese tamale"... yup analogies of Chinese food and Mexican food... interesting. =)

and only in the Bay Area would you see so many Hummers in a location void of military bases... save one that's been closing down. That's right, here we use them as "family" cars. =)

and only in the Bay Area are the people who've known me my whole life and can whip out really embarassing photos at moments notice ... "just cuz it's fun" =)

8 December

Another day that never seems to end. But that's due to endless minutes of queuing, sitting in the same seat (actually a rather nice one) for long periods of time, and an 8 hour time difference. Yes, I'm "home." After months of having passport control ask you questions such as "what is the purpose of your visit here?" and "for how long will you be visiting our country?" it's so welcoming to come home to a tarmak filled with police officers, sniffing drug dogs, hightened security, and a man who stamps your customs card rather decidedly looks at you and states: "Welcome home." I almost cried right there on the spot. But coming to the loving and open arms of my Grandmother was a totally different story... there are very wonderful things about being back in ones country of origin. =) And of course, we had MEXICAN food for dinner... it was really yummy. Apparently my Grandma took me to Bush (Srs) fav mex restaurant he frequented whilest in the SoCal area in order to help get.. $. It was good if I may say so myself. =) I realized... portions of food in the US... MUCH bigger than other places. I barely ate half my food and am more than satiated.

I feel almost in a surreal place actually being back in the US again. I'm still under the guise that when I wake up I'll be in South Africa again, with my roomies, in GPC. Or perhaps I'll do what I have done a few times the last few weeks... wake up and have to remind myself what country I'm in. But tonight is different. Tonight is the first night in over 5 months that I will be sleeping in my own room, just one bed, just one person, just me. I no longer have a Kat attatched to one side or a JEANA and CHANDRA to accessorize with ;-) (miss you guys tons by the way!) So I am still in process of realizing that I am once again in America. People here drive on the right hand side of the road. People here understand me when I talk and don't think I'm from a strange place... although the SA words are still coming out "where's the loo?" "are you in the queue?" "oh shame!" "is it?" etc... =)

oh yes, PIECE OF INFO. my cell phone still works and I'll be using it for a while if you have the number and would like to get ahold of me it's in my posession so ... yeah.

I think that's enough of my attempt and conveying the feelings of "re-entry" further attempts shall be made solo and for a time to come. =) Can't wait to see you all... wherever you are.

Don't remember the date...

"I feel angry, I feel distressed, I feel helpless... to live in a world where we have the means, we have the resources, to be able to help all these patients - what is lacking is the political will." - Kofi Annan (UN Secretary General) I believe itīs lacking a lot more than that, but itīs interesting how obvious our position is as a world seeking but denying truth, justice, and morality. Mr. Annan also remarks that "It does indicate a certain incredible callousness that one would not have expected in the 21st century" Weīve only been out of South Africa for 13 days... but I feel like Iīve been missing out on months of being there.

This is our last full day in Barcelona... I donīt know if Iīll be able to do this kind of travelling again for a long time, itīs really not what Iīm used to. Thereīs no goals, no set plan, no interaction with the people... just do what you want when you want, see what you want to see... and spend money... I especially donīt like that part. But I sound too pessimistic. I am enjoying seeing all these different and interesting places, putting things in perspective, taking time to hang out with Kat and Tris more... bonding time =) As well as just being able to take a little break between going home and being in South Africa, trying to get pumped up to go home and realizing that Iīm not going back to SA for a while most likely and wonīt be able to relive that experience again.

ciao for the moment, hope to hear from some of you soon!

24 November

Well I first just want to say that the reason that the font is small is that the keyboards here at our hostel in Barcelona are a little "dodge" as one would say in South Africa. The last five days we've been in Paris with the Morrills, Lea, AND Jen Cecil stopped in for a few days from Germany! SUPER COOL (and you have to say that avec a french accent) =) Not only do I love France, and Paris, and the people we were with BUT I love Bryan Mark too! and he called all of us while we were there! He called us twice actually, once for a while so that Kurt, Karyn, and I were able to connect with him and chat for a while and then again the next night during our Thanksgiving dinner! hmmm AND BONUS I got to talk to former-coleader and continual friend MF... yup Mark Fedesco. On top of all of those already amazingly awesome blessings is that we were able to see Kurt, Karyn, and Lea's ministry in Paris with students! I was invited to join them at their "stand" which is a small table in front of the entrance to the University at St. Denis that has the new testement in Arabic, a cassette of the gospel of Luke in Arabic, smaller pamphlets with either Luck or Marks Gospel, and invitations to their events with the GBU. I feel so blessed that I've been able to see two awesome ministries during my time abroad, ministries of people I love and have been praying for. It has given me a wider perspective and understanding on what God is doing in places all over the world with those who just love to serve him. Plus, and this is especially the case in Paris, I was able to experience an entirely different side to Paris than I ever have before. The whole city gained new life for me, real life, the stuff of eternity... not just my touristy confusions =) And by the grace of God I was able to understand and communicate a lot more en francais than I thought I would be. In fact I was actually able to translate most of a talk we heard at the "large group" style meeting called "interfac" for Kat... I think it helped that the guy who gave the message (I believe his name is Edward) is a Franco-American (makes the accent a bit easier to pick out) I loved our time there. The Morrills were ... as Kat, Tris, and I decided, the bests hosts we've ever had. They practically gave us their appartment I felt so loved and cared for. Which is another blessing that I absolutely have to share: seeing the amazing gift of marriage played out as glorifying and submitting to God is a BEAUTIFUL thing. =) I'm excited to see my newly married friends again soon.

There's so much more to write about Paris, about my "transition" so far, about life etc... of course. So until next time, or until I write again, ciao... adios... salut... hamba kahle.... take your pick =)

18 November

We're in London. I don't know how to describe it really... It's so different from Durban. I wrote a postcard to my family yesterday and realized that a lot of my experience here so far is comparing and looking at London through my experience of Durban the last 4 months.

Right now in the background Kat is talking to this guy from Chicago who's traveling in Europe too. They're talking about Bush. He's coming to London today. So naturally we've seen protests, heard about incidents, and are getting the general feeling of anti-Bush sentiment we feel everywhere. In South Africa things were a little different. Instead of just trash talking Bush and America in general and only focusing on the negative things our country has done they critically analyzed the foreign policy and the things America stands for. Here you're either hot or cold, much like in the states. Either you call Bush names and rip on all of the bad moves he's taken since he's been president, talk about all the reasons why things were "better under Clintons' administration" etc... OR you support him and the country completely and refuse to listen to anyone who has any sort of rational argument to the contrary. Ugly extremes.

The other strange thing about being in London is that we don't know the city at all and aren't going to because we're only here for a week total. So a lot of the cool monuments and things that are goind on mean a lot less because I have no attatchment to them. In Durban we came to know the city, the famous things as well as just the normal every day life. At least that keeps me from spending money on pointless souveniers. =) We're 3 days into our travels ... I think that means that we have about 20 days left. Wow... a lot will happen in those 20 days. =)

Well a little shout out to the SA folks, and a see-you-soon to all the people in California!

14 November

I knew this would happen... I would come all the way to the LAN with the expectation of all of my pre-departure feelings and experiences to ramble on about and realize when it comes to writing it all down that I really have nothing to say. I suppose I don't have "nothing" to say. And as Des and I always ponder: is there really such a thing as nothing anyway? The problem is that there are too many things to say and not enough space, time, or words to say them.

Kat and I spent our last full day in Durban in, what I see as a great summation of our time here. (well it's only 1:30 so the day, i guess, is young) We met at the usual time of 7:20, I didn't arrive until 7:30 and was on the phone with my family at the time. We walked... Kat with twisted ankle and all, down to iThemba Lethu to go to the beach with the babies. I got to hold Wandile practically the whole time and Kat was able to attatch herself to the girls (Maria and Leah) It was so appropriate for us to spend the first half of our last day playing with these kids. They represent so much of what I have learned here as well as the issues that we have encountered in South Africa. They also represent the lack of closure that I feel now that I'm leaving in less than 24 hours. I won't neccessarily know what happens to each of them, won't know if Wandile is HIV+ or not, won't be able to continue to serve them or see how their lives continue first hand.

After babies where else but the LAN, our connection with the "other world." It is a strange concept that we are going to have two computers within 10 feet of where we sleep, eat, and live next quarter. Walking makes it all much more appreciated.

We keep talking about "lasts" which is strange because we are still experiencing "firsts." And I will continue to process many of our "firsts" for a while. I wanted to at least try and make this last entry from South Africa one of closure for everyone who has constantly read them since I myself am lacking the closure; but I'm realizing that is not possible. sorry! =) Hopefully that will make you that much more excited to experience South Africa yourself in some way, shape, or form.

As I reflect on my jounal entries, entries online, and thoughts upon my arrival and aclimatizing times here I realize just how far God has pushed me and how much He has shown me. I no longer feel "young and proud" ... "haughty" if you will in my faith. Not that I even noticed that I had been those things as much before. But as I've grown to know more of who God IS, allowing Him to guide that process and show me I have realized more of who I am, what life is, and what human existance in general is supposed to be all about. My new realization of my own humanity and sinfulness did not hit me this time with guilt, anxiety, or justification, but instead with peace, understanding, grace, and a greater desire for what I know is REAL life. It's all very excited to me, but unexplainable over the internet... so I don't think I'll try any further. just ask me sometime =)

Well, I'm spent. Time to go home and wash the baby smell off of me again =) See you all soon! (we'll try to keep this going for a while too, so this isn't the last entry ever! =) )

"Warning: Contents May Have Shifted During Flight" <-- that's going to be me after the next 3 weeks =)

12 November

"It's been a long day ..." "I'm all alone, there's nobody here beside me" =) Well it certainly has been a long day but a great day. Kat and I woke up this morning in our hostel in Umtentweni on the beach. Got ready and had one of my favorite early daytime meals of yogurt and granola, hung out on the beautiful and empty beach on the Indian ocean, drove to see Crocs, came home, packed, and had a great dinner with friends. Today can also be classified as a lonely day, not in a terrible sense. But when I came home today I realized a few things. 1) no more roomies... they're in Cape Town, very sad, but a wonderful note from them on my pillow! 2) everything in the room was gone on their side and my stuff is all that's left. 3) I realized that I am not going to be calling that home for very much longer. and 4) I got more letters and a package from my mom today which made me excited to go home and see them, but I also realized we have a lot of travelling to go before that point. BUT LIFE IS AWESOME! I still feel completely in shock that I've been able to experience all the things that I have and there's still more to come! Not to mention URBANA 2003 at the end of December!

If I were more awake now I would continue this update and attempt to share with you all the things that have captivated me as of late, but since I've turned into a tired 80 year old woman and find it hard to stay up past 10 I'm going to go to bed =)

To my roomies: if you read this, just know that I miss you already! We weren't meant to say bye to people (you're right Allie)

cheers for now!

5 November

What a craaazy last few weeks. Crazy, yet excellent. I should probably start by saying how cool my mom is again. I've been getting letters almost every day from her (I'm on day 19) ... counting up to 21 aka how old I am now! (pretty cool stuff) with the letters I've gotten balloons to make our room super festive as well as ribbon and special birthday stickers....hmm... which my friends made me wear on my forhead when they took me out for birthday dessert last night. (that photo won't make it on the website =) ) My first and possibly only South Africa Birthday has been awesome. It began on Saturday when Kat, Jeana, Chandra, and Luz surprised me with a picnic (one of my favorite activities of all time) in the beautiful Botanic Gardens here in Durban with an even better surprise, my favorite baby, Wandile. Wandile was a trooper and managed to stay up almost the whole time we were out... he did end up falling asleep on me yet again as we were making our way out of the gardens. Seriously we laughed so hard during lunch; Mr. T (his nickname) probably ate almost as much as we did. There are way too many funny stories to tell about that, so you'll just have to ask me when you see me! =) I love that kid so much. A few days before that I was walking home and saw a kid infront of me that, from the back, looked like Wandile would look in about 6 years. I stopped for a second and realized that I don't know if Wandile will ever get to experience being 7 years old. Because babies retain their mothers antibodies until they're 1 years old we don't know if Wandile is HIV+ or not yet. But even if he is getting any sort of treatment for him will be quite difficult. His mother passed away from AIDS and because of the government policies surrounding HIV/AIDS drugs (especially when it pertains to orphans) is so unjust he probably won't recieve treatment. For me, I find it difficult to know exactly how to respond to that. On the one hand I know that the worst thing that can happen to him is also the best because he'll get to be with the God who created him, who "knitted him together in the inmost place" and who would never have desired anything less than the most beautiful and perfect life for him. Yet at the same time I can see so much of his personality already, and can imagine all the things he could be later on in life.

There are so many reasons why it is difficult to think about my time in SA coming to an end. Wandile is just one of those reasons. He also represents the entire HIV/AIDS epidemic and the host of social justice issues that come along with that. I know I have only gotten at the tip of the iceberg and have only begun to get involed in the fight for human rights and human life. And now it's time to go, just as I have begun to learn and act. As Kat said in her update, I am not able to list all of the things that I'll miss about South Africa. The list ranges from fun silly things (like being sung to in Sweedish, and having run ins with gigantic snails) to really deep and meaningful things (like challenging myself and others to break out of our previously held stereotypes and predudices, to come face to face with the HIV/AIDS epidemic, to question how I can get out of my comfort zone and do something with all the agency I have been given, like working with high-school students, and babies.)

It's strange, when we come to update our website the server gives us an update on how much space we've used... and I think we've only used about 7%. I know that if we were to even try and convey half of all of the things that have happened in South Africa we would use up more than our alloted web space. Each time I update and leave the LAN I think of at least a dozen more things that I could have said, but I know that they won't mean as much just being read on a page without pictures or a full explanation. And on story always needs to be told differently to different people because you know which parts of the story your friends would apreciate and understand more than others.

As I look around the LAN right now I realize that I'm going to have to get used to being the majority again when I go back home. It will be strange being surrounded my a ton of white people all the time. I'm not sure how I'll feel about that =) Too much to think about all at once. I'll just have to take it as it comes to me. Thanx once again for being interested in my ramblings... =) I wish more people had the agency to share their thoughts with so many people who cared, I think a lot of the times the social issues that people deal with would be so powerful if individuals were able to express themselves to the wider community.

Okay, I'm really done now... off to study for my last two finals! Can't wait to see you all again! Don't think all my talk about missing SA means that I'm not going to be extremely excited to see you guys! =) cheers

27 October

from one of my favorite albums: The Beautiful Letdown by Switchfoot.

she told him she'd rather fix her makeup than try to fix what's going on but the problem keeps on calling even with the cellphone gone she told him that she believes in living bigger than she's living now but her world keeps spinning backwards and upsidedown don't say so long in the cellphone don't spend today away cuz today will soon be gone, like yesterday is gone, like history is gone, just trying to prove me wrong and pretend like your immortal she said he said live like no tomorrow every day we borrow brings us one step closer to the edge (infinity) where your treasure, where's your hope forget the world and lose your soul she pretends like she pretends like she's immortal don't say so long your not that far gone this could be your big chance to makeup today till soon be gone, like yeterday is gone, like history is gone, the world keeps spinning on, your going going gone, like summer break is gone, like saturday is gone just trying to prove me wrong you pretend like your immortal we are not infinite we are not permanate nothing is immediate we're so confident in our accomplishments look at our decadence gone, like Frank Sinatra like Elvis and his mom like AL Pichino's cash nothing lasts in this life my highschool dreams are gone my childhood sweets are gone life is a day that doesn't last for long life is more than money time was never money time was never cash, life is still more than girls life is more than hundred dollar bills and oh the town fills life more than fame and rock and roll and thrills all the riches of the kings end up in wills we got information in the information age but do we know what life is outside of our conveinent Lexus cages she said he said live like no tomorrow every moment that we borrow brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash hey Bono i'm glad you asked life is still worth living, life is still worth living

If I had more time I'd update you as our time comes to an end here and I'm beginning a process of coming to terms with leaving this place, my friends, and understanding what I CAN take back with me (no, not just in the material sense... but most of you probably understood that =) ) It's an interesting jouney, and I'm sure I'll tell you all about it... just as soon as my paper, 3 Zulu tests, and Psych presentation are over! Can't wait to see you all though. Peace and LOVE.

21 October

Today is the first day in a long time that I just want to go to class and get the rest of my day going. Usually I wish I had more time in the LAN to e-mail and update the website and figure things out. To reflect. But not today. Maybe that's because I've been doing so much reflecting lately. With all of our experiences here I can become overwhelmed with processing it all at one. This has all become especially difficult since we've been going into our schools and playing with babies at iThemba Lethu every week.

I just recieved an e-mail today that said "67 days until Urbana" (the conference I'm going to in December... it's in Chicago) and all I could think was: in 67 days I'm going to want to be back here. I constantly have dreams about being at home and crying or just feeling out of place because I'm not in Africa anymore. I know that my actual experience of going home will be much more complex than my dreams, but I know I'll be sad to leave. I don't want to leave with things unresolved or with a lack of closure. But how can all these things be resolved? I know they won't for a long time, so now I need to figure out what to do about that. I want to figure out how to respond to the issues of South Africa, the issues of the kids I'm working with, these issues which have such a global affect and context. Human nature is so interesting, and the ways in which we have constructed society to think and act is very interesting as well... but also at the same time extremely frustrating for me. It all seems so hypocritical and counter intuitive at points, and yet nothing seems to change.

Time to stop being overwhelmed by things that aren't my responcibility to fix or take care of. But they are my responcibility to understand and care ABOUT. It's a hard balance.

On lighter notes today is Chandra's birthday and we've already had fun times. We woke her up at 12:30 and had a surprise party in the Chapel upstairs with cake from Mugg&Bean. Then of course we were on a sugar high and had to wait to come down off of it for another hour or so =) Now Jeana and I are sneaking around trying to make her present.

I was blessed by what now is another of my favorite moments here in South Africa on Sunday at church. Kat and I went to the morning service this week. When we got there we spotted Wandile (my favorite baby =) ) (i know ... i know... shouldn't have favorites, but it's so hard not to absolutely be in LOVE with this little person) Anyhow Angie was looking after him for the day and said that we could hang out with him during the service. He is one of the happiest babies I have ever met. We sang with him in our arms... he actually fell asleep on me, which just melted my heart. I can't even begin to describe how it felt to worship with this little being in my arms; a little being that is so happy and beautiful and full of joy and yet probably has HIV. I don't think I can really describe it right now, or online... and I think if I try I'm just going to cry in the middle of the crowded LAN.

I do want to apologize for the lack of consistency in my updates. It's our last week of class now so their's lots of work to do which takes up most of my computer time. I'll try to improve I promise!

Much love and many prayers to you all. Thanx to those of you who've written me about prayer requests and the like =)

18 October

Crazy times. I have no idea how to encorperate the last 10 days into one update. Actually most of it has been school work since we're at the end of the semester now and have assignments due every week. Today and last night were different. Of course the random trip here, funny moment there, caffine initiated weird nights at GPC, profound life lessons learned, new friends made, awesome conversations are all still happening ... but I've definitly had some awesome moments in the last few days which are worth mentioning. Well Wednesday night, my time, Lynn Becerra called me! Let me tell you it was so encouraging and awesome to hear her voice and hear about all the awesome things going on in her life in SB! =) my little heart was so proud and full of love =) I didn't feel like I was talking to one of the freshmen that I got to live with and hang out with last year, I felt like I was talking to a deep and old friend who is bound to me in my heart by our love and work together for the Lord... it was a beautiful thing. =) That reminds me.... My mom is so cool. Seriously probably one of the coolest moms you could ever have. I think I've gotten a letter or a small package from her almost every week I've been here =) AND last week she sent me autumn.... cuz I'm missing it this year. yup... my mom sent me autumn, can't get much more loving than that ;-) Being supported by friends and family has made our experience, well I suppose I should only speak for myself, has made my experience here much more fulfilling and meaningful. Knowing that I am loved by people across the world although I can do nothing for them at the time but pray for them (that is a big thing in itself =) ) and knowing that I am validated in who I am when I talk to people who have known me in all different parts of my life makes my ability and willingness to process and discover new things here all the more beautiful. =)

That brings me up to last night when Kat, Chandra, Jeana, Luz, and I went to see Allan Paton's "Cry the Beloved Country" which, as some of you know, is a book written about South Africa in 1948 and has since been made into a movie... well we saw the Play =) I read the book my freshman year of highschool and for as much as I could remember I really enjoyed how they portrayed the book as a play. Also it was so interesting to be IN South Africa and seeing history come alive and some of the issues still existing even after such a long period of time and so many events that South Africa has been through in the interim. There's so much happening in this country that pulls me in and just won't let me go, and "Cry the Beloved Country" touched on a lot of those things. The rest of the night was very fun, new, and interesting too, but not as noteworthy as the play at this point. =)

Which brings me to this morning. Kat got a tatoo. yup, did you know she was thinking about it? Well she did it this morning. We hopped in a taxi, cruised to the pavillion, found the tatoo parlor, made sure her design was in order, and 30 minutes later BAM she has a tatoo. (I held her hand and took photos during the process) It's cool man. But one of the best parts of the whole thing was that halfway through my phone rings... Chandra answers, much confusion on her part ensues. I tell her to tell the person to call back in half an hour... as I'm holding Kat's hand and watching my first tatoo session with the girl next to us hugging her mom and crying while she gets hers. It's Ben White on the phone!! =) Super cool stuff man! It was so awesome to talk to him and to hear a seasoned Santa Barbaran tell us about the life and times of school, GCF, friends etc... =) I feel loved. Then we did what we do best, we met up with our friend Yves and went to Mugg & Bean for lunch. =) The really interesting thing about the Mugg& Bean at the Pavillion is that it has a view. Now that's not all that interesting in it of itself, but this view is of the townships which are on the hills below it. I don't understand how there can be a multi million dollar huge capitalist shopping mall on the crest of a hill that is home to thousands of poverty stricken families. On top of that apparently the land that the Pavillion is based on was owned by a black man during apartheid, the government seized his land and relocated him elsewhere with out ever being compensated. He still has the land deed and now claims that the land is rightfully his. Instead of asserting his lawful owndership of the land this man has requested a shop in the Pavillion free of rent where he can open his business... this too has been denied him.

A lot of the issues are still alive in South Africa, which also helps (me) shed light on the issues and injustices that still plague my own country. Justice... I am convinced that my life is about this somehow, but I am trying to be patient as I am in a huge learning season and can get so easily frustrated at my perceived lack of ability to do anything about the issues that are the most important in our world today.

short update, but sufficient I hope... you can always ask me about more if you want!! =)

cheers

8 October

Apologies for the delay in my updates... but I felt that I needed time to really focus on the Lord these last few days and my overwhelming desire to connect with Him and seek out where and what He's been doing in my life recently took over =) (as it should) I have been recieving some wonderful e-mails from friends which is extremely encouraging and I feel as if God has been speaking to me in awesome ways through my times with him, through friends and roomies here, and through all of you from back home =) Today I was able to talk to Jess and D on the phone for a while which was such a wondeful blessing and a wonderful way to start my day. Not only was it a fresh and verbal reminder of love from back home, a validation of all the things that God brought me to and through last year, but also a connection between friends who love each other but who love God even more... I could have talked to them for hours, but the quality is so much more important than the quantity. Also just randomly today Luz gave me the biggest hug, and I couldn't have asked for a better gift from the Lord today... Since I don't know people that well here I have been CRAVING hugs like mad! (even thinking about all the wonderful people I get to hug when I come home! =) ) Love has become something more understandable to me recently as well, and I think a lot of that has to do with my recent determination to really get to know Jesus on a more personal and deep level through intense study of Matthew, the other biographies of his life, as well as reading "The Jesus I never knew" by Philip Yancey... I have so much more time to read here it's wonderful! =) I have discovering so much more about Jesus in a way that I had never concidered deeply before and being challenged and blessed over and above what I expected as well as what I deserve. He's teaching me the reasons behind love, behind forgiveness, grace, mercy, and justice. My perspective is changing and I can see how being in South Africa and coming face to face with justice issues that cut into my heart has popelled my faith to new levels of understanding. The connection between faith and action becomes less of a theological discussion and more of a way of life.

This week our Psychology class begins our sessions with the kids from Carington Heights, a highschool near UND. We'll be working with kids on further unpacking the myriod of issues surrounding HIV/AIDS as it affects their lives. I'm excited to be able to have this opportunity to speak with the kids and to gain a better understanding of what their needs are, where they are strong, and how they percieve themselves in this "new South Africa." I think it would be difficult to be in South Africa for more than a week and not become familiar with the terms "the new South Africa" or the "African Rennaisance." Two terms which, on the surface, explain themselves, but in practice have shown themselves to be exceedingly difficult to define and work out.

I'm out of time now... but I will fill in more later, I hope that's enough to saticfy some of you for now. =) Thanks for all of your continued support as well as all the love you're sending us over here! Don't worry, we are coming home, but you should come to Africa, it gets under your skin.

27 September

Sometimes I feel like a nut... sometimes I don't. So no more all day baby days... at least for a while, which is sort of sad. Granted I was sufficiently tired after this week, but not tired of being with such amazing babies. There's a certain amount of helplesness surrounding babies. First off they are helpless in so many situations and can do nothing but cry or point or wiggle on the floor to try and convey their needs. They're also helpless in the sense that they very rarely are able to do any of the activities they need to do in order to survive on their own (getting food, eating food, cleaning themselves, going to the bathroom, getting water... etc) But the helplessness goes both ways. I feel helpless with them often as I fail to understand their ways of communicating with me most of the time. I feel helpless when they just won't stop crying and seem incredibly uncomfortable (especially the HIV babies.) Also I feel helpless to be able to do anything significant for them. And I'm referring to the ways in which the system just pushes them aside, discounts their value, and fails to provide for them. This is especially true of the HIV+ babies who can't get the anti-retroviral drugs they desperately need because of the bureaucracy and the government. So yes, i feel helpless, but not hopeless. I am trying to understand what this all means, what I can do , what needs to be done really... I know it's a process, but I'm impatient, and sometimes discouraged. But I must admit it's so easy to forget the discouragement and the pain and confusion for a few moments when we're being drooled on and cried on and looked at with big beautiful eyes that just say "pick me up, I want love." If you want to read about what we're up to or find out more about these issues you can visit the iThemba Lethu site http://www.ithembalethu.org.za/

Today Kat and I are going to a music festival: "Awesome Africa" and hope to run into one of our new friends here, Laura. She also volunteers at iThemba Lethu and we met her at church the first week we went. She also might have with her Wandile, because it's his birthday today... he's 1! =) So other than working on my HIV/AIDS paper, that's my day.

"'You preach, but how do you live?' And I answer that I do not preach, that I am not able to preach, although I passionately wish to. I can preach only through my actions, and my actions are vile... And I answer that I am guilty, and vile, and worthy of contempt for my failure to carry them out. At the same time, not in order to justify, but simply to explain my lack of consistency, I say: "Look at my present life and then at my former life, and you will see that I do attempt to carry them out. it is true that I have not fulfilled one thousandth part of the Christian precepts, and I am ashamed of this, but I have failed to fulfill them not because I did not wish to, but because I was unable to. Teach me how to escape from the net of temptations that surrounds me, help me and I will fulfill theml even without help I wish and hope to fulfill them. Attack me, I do this myself, but attack me rather than the path I follow and which I point out to anyone who asks me where I think it lies. If I know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side! If it is not the right way, then show me another way; but if I stagger and lose the way, you must help me you must keep me on the true path, just as I am ready to support you. Do not mislead me, do not be glad that I have got lost, do not shout our joyfully: 'look at him! He said he was going home, but there he is crawling into a bog!' No, do not gloat, but give me your help and support." -- Leo Tolstoy

Fortunately we don't try to find our way home on our own =)

22 September

Today was the first day we volunteered all day at iThemba Lethu. The babies are quite the characters. Unfortunately I felt terrible most of the day and didn't feel like I had done anything productive until I perked up around 13:00 (1 o'clock =) ) I think it was because I got to hold Nduduzi for a while and something... perhaps that maternal instinct said "can't be sick, must play with the babies" So the rest of the day was quite enjoyable. Each of the babies has their own little personality and it's wonderful to be learning about each of them and how even at that young age they are distict individuals who need specific kinds of attention.

I always think of things randomly that I want to put on the website, but once I sit down to actually begin most of if flys out my brain. But I suppose if I wrote it all down then I wouldn't have anything to share when we get home that you haven't already heard =) Did I mention that I want to hear from you guys!? cuz I do =) Oh yes... HEY anyone going to URBANA from SFO this December!?! Cuz we should chat. I haven't been able to find flights... it's a little difficult to do from here, but let me know what's up. Like I said, I miss you all and I'm sure I'll be here again soon. cheers!

18 September part b/2

one last thing: ickky ickky pitang zip boing...

18 September

Remember, the quote from G.K. Chesterton's "The Man Who Was Thursday" ... well it's A LOT longer than I thought it was, but I think I might just put in on the end of this update anyway... but like I think I said before, if you're planning on reading the book you might not want to read the quote just yet =) (actually I would recommend if you don't because this is the type of book that builds upon itself so much so that you would be entirely confused and disappointed in the end if you spoiled it for yourself.)

But a few new things first and foremost. Well today was the first day without rain in a week, which was nice because four of my GPC mates were scuba diving and I didn't want fried roomies if there had been lightening. Other than that I love the rain, the walks back to GPC recently consist of walks either in the rain or in the humidity... interesting contrast =) Also the lack of rain today benefited Kat and my walk to the house where we will be volunteering over our holiday. iThemba Lethu, the organization/house, takes care of 6 orphans at a time and works to place them in adoptive families or foster families from the moment they arrive. The babies there at the moment range from about 10 months to 2 years old. Needless to say we were hooked immediately. 2 girls, 4 boys, lots of smiles and LOTS of personality =) One thing that I haven't fully come to terms with, in the sense that I just haven't processed the fact, is that two of the babies have HIV. Looking into the eyes of such a beautiful, innocent, curious, and joyful creation I struggle to recognize the harsh reality of their lives. And I only understand a miniscule part of the reason why God would let things like that happen... but I wrestle with Him over those issues almost daily =) yeah... it's a good workout. My joy comes from knowing that they are in His hands and will be reunited with Him once their fight is over, able to enjoy real life and I know that their small short life will never be lived in vain. But I'm sure more thoughts about that will come as we are able to get t oknow them all better. We're really excited to help out with them for the better part of next week and also each Monday following until we leave.

I'm still unsatisfied in my actions and endeavours here. I LONG to be even more involved, to use the immense amount of blessings that I have being a white woman from America to bless others... why else do I have them? But I'm just not sure what that looks like and I know that my life is a process and that I am being prepared for something... but well, to be frank, I'm impatient =) I am visual and tactile and practical and I want to see things materialize and happen now, not later. Funny how I have seen parts of the process that have taken me to this point in my life and I know that I wouldn't change a thing... yet I am still unsettled. Quite a paradox.

Another strange realization occured today. I recieved an e-mail from Sarah Hauptman (for non-SBites she's a wonderful and gifted staff worker with IVCF on the UCSB campus) (acronym war anyone? =) ) and she told me that the very first Common Ground of the school year took place last night. It was a big realization that I am here, not at home, not connected and involved with what I loved so much the last few years of college. That life goes on, the cycle continues, and each year builds upon the one before it. Bryan Mark will be doing Gigga Bots again at the Coffee House and I shall be sad to miss it =( shame. But then again, story of my life, wanting to be a million places doing a million things at once =) Because I wouldn't ever want to leave here to be at home... actually last night I had a dream that I was back in the states sitting with Kat and some friends having a normal conversation and I just started crying because I wanted to be here, not at home and couldn't believe that our time was over already. I can't even believe we're halfway done! =)

I'm supposing that's enough for now because as always there remains more to tell, but that's the fun stuff to save for a dinner in the states when we all share fun, challenging, interesting, and wonderful stories. =) ... many many hillarious and fun stories to tell. =)

now for some Chesterton. (short background: the main character Syme has just spent the entire book in search of a truth that didn't turn out to be true, but found instead that it's falsehood lead to something even greater, and even bigger truth, and now he sits on the "Council of days" as Thursday... the 4th day created. the first speaker is the anarchist Gregory) "'You!' he cried. 'You never hated because you never lived. I know what you are, all of you, from first to last - you are the people in power! You are the police - the great fat, smiling men in blue and buttons! You are the Law, and you have never been broken. But is there a free soul alive that does not long to break you, onlky because you have never been broken? We in revolt talk all kind of nonsense doubtless about this crime or that crime of the Government. It is all folly! The only crime of the Goverment is that is governs. The unpardonable sin of the supreme power is that it is supreme. I do not curse you for being cruel. I do not curse you (though I might) from being kind. I curse you for being safe!. You sit in your chairs of stone, and have never come down from them, You are the seven angels of heaven, and you have had no troubles. Oh, I could forgive you everything, you that rule mankind, if I could feel for once that you had suffered for one hour a real agony such as I--' Syme sprang to his feet, shaking from head to foot 'Isee everything,' he cried, 'everything that there is. Why does each thing on the earth war agains each other thing? Why does each small thing in the world have to fight against the world itself? Why does a fly have to fight the whole universe? Why does a dandelion have to fight the whole universe? For the same reason that I had to be alone in the dreadful Council of the Days. So that each thing that obeys law may have the glory and isolation of the anarchist. So that each man fighting for order may be as brave and good a man as the dynamiter. So that the real lie of Satan may be flung back in the face of this blasphemer, so that by tears and torture we may earn the right to say to this man, "You lie!" No agonies can be to great to buy the right to say to this accuser, "We also have suffered." It is not true that we have never been broken. We have been broken upon th ewhell. It is not true that we have never descended from these thrones. We have descended into hell. We were complaining of unforgettable miseries even at the very moment when this man entered insolently to accuse us of happiness. I repel the slander; we have not been happy. I can answer for every one of the great guards of Law whom he has accused. At least--' Syme had turned his eyes as to see suddenly the great face of Sunday, which wore a strange smile. 'Have you,' he cried in a dreadful voice, 'have you ever suffered?' As he gazed, the great face grew to an aweful size, grew larger than the colossal mask of Memnon, which had made him scream as a child. It grew larger and larger, filling the whole sky; then everything went black. Only in the blackness before it entirely destroyed his brain he seemed to hear a distant voice saying in a commonplace text that he had heard somewhere, 'Can ye drink of the cup that I drink of?' ** When men in books awake from a vision they commonly find themselves in some place in which they might have fallen asleep; they yawn in a chair, or lift themselves with bruised libms from a field. Syme's experience was something much more pwychologically strange if there was indeed anything unreal, in the earthly sense, about the things he had gone trought. For while he could always remember afterwards that he had swooned before the great face of Sunday, he could not rmember having ever come to at all. He could only remember that gradually and naturally he knew that he was and had been walking along a country lane with an easy and conversational companion. That companion had been a pert of his recent drama; it was the red-haird poet Gregory. They were walking like onld friends, and were in the middle of a conversation about some triviality. But Syme could only feel an unnatural bouyancy in his body and a crystal simplicity in his mind that seemed to be superior to everything that he said or did. He felt he was in possession of some impossible good news, which made every other thing a triviality, but an adorable triviality."

I warned you it was long... and also great... hope you read the book =)

13 September

Yeah, it's like that here. Periods where you almost feel like nothings happening and then BOOM something happens. I feel like a month has gone by since my last update, probably because I feel like time contains more when you're trying to articulate your life to people all over the globe. It's interesting though... I think I've gotten more e-mails from people in this slight delay in the updates than I had before =)

Well I've felt much more like a true Durbanite over these last few weeks.. save the MEXICAN FOOD that Luz and Kat made last night (using Indian Roti as tortillas) sooooooo sooooo incredibly yummy I can't even begin to tell you and Kat of course made her Mango Salsa... mmmm really makes you want her back doesn't it? hahaha I have her all to myself here! But seriously Mexican Food night was a wonderful time to hang out with some of the Americans and also get to know some of the girls on Kat's hall and introduce them to some new food. Actually one of the girls that just moved in, Mpho, spent the last 5 years in Cuba! so she was well aquainted with the style of food and she and Luz spoke Spanish together... of which I only picked up a few things. It was a fun little taste of home.

Back to Durban. We've been seeing and experiencing more of what it means to live in South Africa today, almost 10 years after apartheid. Conversations with Taxi Drivers, comvi riding buddies, teachers, students, and other friends we've met has shown us the complexities of transitioning from a once completely oppresive society in which the white race held all the power to a "rainbow" society in which technically under the law all are equal. There are so many complexities to carry out such a huge transition, and so many different people have obviously their versions of the right way to make that transition. It's interesting to see the connections between this phase in South Africa's history and the US's struggle and path to racial equality during the 60's and how we continue to struggle with those issues.

That also reminds me that in our HIV/AIDS class we have found out where we are assigned to go and work. I will be working with grade 9&10s at a highschool not far from our campus with kids mostly from our neighboring township. I feel slightly overwhelmed as I'm sure these kids know much more than I do about the issues surrounding HIV and AIDS, a lot of them live out those issues on a daily basis. Plus I'm not sure how they're going to view me and how I should approach them. But we have a lot of time to prep before visiting them for the first time, so hopefully we'll be able to get a lot of our questions answered.

This seems like a very random and short update concidering, but I've got two females sitting next to me who have resigned themselves to 1. playing computer games, and 2. painting a picture on Microsoft paint program soooo I think I should get going. =) I promise I'll be better next time.

oooo one last thing, MY BROTHER IS TRAVELING AROUND EUROPE WITH US!!! yay! super fun times!!!

back to GPC... hiking in the rain, only one of my favorite activities... and I am being entirely serious about that... people know =)

3 September

Glub Glub... I'm fishbowlin it again, and at the moment I keep having that incredibly distracting sensation that ants are crawling all over me. Have I mentioned that our campus was built ontop of an ant hill?? Who does that =) So it makes it extremely difficult to sit anywhere, and Kat and I tried to sit somewhere this morning which meant that when we got up we were swarming with ants... ickky. So I keep feeling like some of the animals we saw this weekend... always scratching and looking rather uncomfortable =)

Speaking of animal encounters most probably already know that Kat, all the GPC (Glenmore Pastoral Centre) residents, Emi, Jen, and Juaquin, and I went on Safari this weekend. Although sounds SO AWESOME, and it was in many ways... I was, admitably, still full from our previous weekends blessing of going to Cape Town and definitly still chewing on bits of thought from then as well. (which by the way I am beginning to say with the South African connotation... emphasis on the AS not the well) Even with, and perhaps partly due to, the thoughts in my mind surrounding our jouney to Cape Town I appreciated the safari in many ways. Actualy one of my favorite parts consisted of Kat and I hanging out solo at our house for the weekend whilest everyone else, including our guides, went to the bars in the little tourist town of St. Lucia. I was so blessed to be able to talk and connect again with her and do more debriefing of our time in the Cape and also our time with our friends that weekend. Kat and I do see each other often, but not neccessarily every day and even when we do we are not always able to really go deep in conversation. But we have realized, especially recently, how much deeper we long to go with each other and have been making extra effort to really make time to just hang out and have accountability and prayer... which, let me just say, is the most amazing thing to do in a frienship... so awesome. I never understand why God blesses us so much ontop of doing things which are good for us anyway. =) That's love.

It's interesting in our classes here how religion is portrayed. I feel like in terms of the "secular/ post-modernist" vs. Christianity divide the sentiments here equal those you find in the states at most universities. But here you also have that debate including many other religions as well, probably due to the fact that most of the people here do not claim to be "Christian" rather have claims on many other religions, most notably Indian religions with the majority of people believing in Hinduism (or a sect of Hinduism.) It's wonderful getting to know more about these religions that have always facinated me and to really understand that they are almost as misunderstood as Christianity always seems to be. But here people debate and argue about the specifics of religion, the tradition, the culture which it inhabits, but in terms of what that means for each person personally is not a topic of discussion. I was just reading somewhere three questions asked by a wise man to the "Christians" he met: 1. Do you believe in God? 2. Do you know God? and 3. Are you friends with God? Most people here "know God" or know what they believe but I haven't had many encounters (definitly some! =) ) that go beyond that ... in whatever they believe.

I just finished reading on of the most interesting and now one of my most favorite books: The Man Who Was Thursday: the nightmare, by G.K. Chesterton. And I wanted to put up an awesome quote from it... but shame I hurridly gave my book to Sean so he could read it, so I suppose that will have to wait, which is fine because it would in a way give too much light to the end of the book... so if you think you might read it, avoid reading the quote once it appears. =)

hmm... I feel like I came here to tell you all about my safari and really haven't touched on it at all. Well... perhaps I should attempt that now rapidly:

Contrast between my animal encounters here in Durban and this weekend.

Here in Durban: Squashed frog we always walk by and see on the top of the second hill on the way to school... and on the way home. Dead bird hanging in the tree half way down said hill. Kujo... the huge and scary dog that attacked Andrew and Andrew one day who we walk by up the stairs to get to the top of (again) said hill. Random monkey sightings on campus when no one's around =) and HUGE moth that thankfully landed on the OUTSIDE of our open window... massive, at least the size of a baseball. (took a photo =) )

ON SAFARI: kayaked with Crocs and Hippos =) had a huge grasshopper pee on Nick, came within 7 meters of a Rhino, Elephants chasing Rhino, Cape Buffalo chasing lioness and cubs, Zebra crossings, Giraffe fights... exciting times =)

more to come =)

28 August

Apologies to anyone who became anxious over the long delay in any sort of change to our website, I hope it didn't deter you =) (I just know how I am.) One of the reasons for the delay in updating the website since we've been back from Cape Town... or more precisely Stellenbosch is that I feel completely lacking in words to describe our/my experience there and I wanted to take time to allow God to help me process all that took place there.

Going and visiting Garrett, the Wadley's, new friends Grace and Rachel, and the ministry of Bridges of Hope was without hesitation the largest and most undeserved blessing of my time here in South Africa thus far. I honestly didn't want to come back. My experience in Stellenbosch with Kat, Luz, and the rest was the most "real" experience I have had here. I wish I could describe exactly what I mean by that. My joy pure and true in the moments I was able to really fellowship with friends as well as the moments I was able to see God's hand in the ministry of Bridges of Hope. We were privileged to get a very wholistic view of the ministy concidering we were only able to be there for 4 days. And once again I'm going to ask you to submit to Kat for all those details =) she's good at that. But I will of course fill in my own commentary.

Each place we went wwe met the nicest and most agreeable people, I don't think I've felt so at home in a place I've never been before in such a short period of time. Not to mention that the people who we went to visit in the first place are some of the most generous and hospitable people on earth =) We were taken in with open arms by everyone involved with Bridges of Hope and I confess as Kat did that working with that ministy is a focus of much prayer and concideration. As we have been learning about "helping" and community projects in our AIDS class and all of the tough dynamics that psychologists and community workers encounter in trying to really serve communities I see how God prepared the way for Bridges of Hope, annointed Dennis and Susan and the other members of the team, and has gone before them to bless the details of their work for Him. I was more than encouraged by the maturity of the ministry as well as God's sevants there. Even the Wadely children stole my heart in a moment and impressed me with their maturity. =) I could think of nothing I would have rather been doing last Sunday night than hanging out with Tasha, Addie, and Elijah. I can see the challenges and struggles, as well as the excitement and love of Jesus in each of them... so awesome to experience!

Earlier that day I recieved another huge undeserved blessing from the Lord when we went to church with the team. Everything from the songs, to the prayers, to the slideshow God used to speak directly to me. I almost feel selfish in that I seriously feel like that whole service was directly speaking to me personally. I was so overwhelmed by how much God loves me and loves His people and how I have seen that in my life and around me here in South Africa that I just cried and sat there before Him and allowed Him to just be God for a good 5-10 minutes after the service. I can't explain what it's like to KNOW God... to feel Him right there... everywhere... to hear him ask you questions and to hear Him speak truth to you, but He does it all the time... we just don't listen. I was so free in that moment... it was an indescribable thing.

There's a big difference between talking about something and DOING something or LIVING something. That has been a dichotomy I have been thinking about and have been seeing in my own life recently... =) I wish I was a poet... or that I had a command of language like so many of my favorite authors but since I don't, I think I'll wait to explain myself =)

So without wanting to just continually repeat myself about my experiences in Stellenbosch I'll just add a few last things. The Coast there is BEAUTIFUL! We discovered a beautiful place to explore the cliffs right off the side of the road and were able to take some amazing photos... which we promise we're trying to scan onto the website =) And another noteworthy experience of the weekend was MEXICAN FOOD!! yup =) we had Mexican food... sure it would have been better in the states but Dude! =) Actually we had it twice, once at restaurant with super fun atmosphere... they had a swing right by our table =) and also Sunday night at the Wadley's ... quesadillas... mmmmmmm I think some of the best quesadillas I've ever had, not to mention the company was very fun. =) And of course the other highlight that must be mentioned is the ability to laugh at jokes that really only make sense around certain friends and quote hillarious movies with no point but to have fun =)

But I think that's enough for now =) Please e-mail me if you want more of an inside scoop... or just want to say hi... or want to tell me about what's up with you, because I really do want to know! =)

until we meet again

oh yes... and B is not a hypocrite =) (is that better? =) )

18 August

So many new experiences since the last time I wrote anything here. I haven't even been able to write them all down in my own journal let alone get some good time in the LAN to respond to e-mails and fill people in on life in SA. As for this past weekend... I echo Kat's update 100%. I really did feel like I was actually in Africa this weekend, and that this is my home... going out on a weekend vacation and then to come back to a place that I really do now regard as my home here. Home is an interesting concept the more I move around and the more that I think about it. Also we have a great "house dad" ... His name is Andrew and his wifes name is Liane and they have the cutest little daughter named Jordan. Before we left on our trip this weekend he gave us pointers and wrote down directions, told us to be careful and to let him know when we got back. Then tonight he asked me how my day was and I told him about Mom's surgery and he was so understanding and supportive; said that he and Liane would be praying for her and for me... so I'm really feeling like this is home. Kat and I are still on our search for a church here... which has been thwarted for the meantime as we're traveling. But after traveling for 3 weekends in a row and with school definitly picking up I'm sure we'll be around more often come September.

So as for the newest experiences since I last was in contact with the western world:

• New Indian and traditional Zulu food in my Zulu class... yummy, although I fully admit that I was not open enough to try a few things.
• Jazz club last Thursday night... extremely fun and mellow listening to local live music finally =)
• driving on the other side of the road... =)
• starting a fire (in the camp fire pit of course) =) and then having our own South African Braai.
• eating SA trout from the Braai... yummy
• trying beer.... not so yummy... in fact not at all =)
• chillin with 8 people I met 3 1/2 weeks ago in the middle of South Africa with one of my best friends Kat trecking across and up and around hills and mountains, watching the incredible amount of stars, not showering for 3 days, experiencing God's beauty, His intelligence, humour, and mercy... mmmmm sooo good. =)
• really beginning to see and understand another way of life: while driving through the rural communities on our way to the various hiking places I too (as Kat described) was struck by the reality of life for people here, the dramatic changes from one moment to another, the feelings of wanting to do or give something but at the same time feeling confused as to what that would look like, trying to discover what "helping" really means... what my part is in all of it.
• realizing again and again that there's a lot more out there than me and my small amount of knowledge and experiences
• realizing that I actually like chocolate here... who knew =)
• playing car games and really enjoying it
• watching traditional Zulu dancers!