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Funny Quotes A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. W. C. Fields Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? Dick Cavett "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere." George Burns "If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." Homer Simpson "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." Winston Churchill "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx "Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress." Joan Rivers "Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?" Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Globol "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain "I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." Freddie Starr "How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven." Spike Milligan "My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." Eric Morecambe "You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." Rowan Atkinson a.k.a. Mr. Bean "Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ." Woody Allen "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." Groucho Marx "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." A. Whitney Brown "All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women." W.C.Fields "I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards." Rudyard Kipling "Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it? Sal Davino "Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair." George Burns "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Richard Jeni "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." Napoleon Bonaparte "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." Oliver Herford "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods Everything ends this way in France - everything. Weddings, christenings, duels, funerals, swindlings, diplomatic affairs - everything is a pretext for a good dinner. Jean Anouilh (1910-1987) French dramatist, screenwriter My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars. Woody Allen To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent. Berton Averre We're different; we're the same. Richard David Bach (1936- ) author; Jonathan Livingston Seagull, The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM. Dave Barry Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. George Burns "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams "If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry "Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it? Sal Davino "Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair." George Burns "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Richard Jeni "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." Napoleon Bonaparte "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." Oliver Herford "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. -- Bob Hope I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. -- Douglas Adams Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal! -- Steven Wright With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. -- Rodney Dangerfield The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. -- Andy Rooney War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left. Virginity is like bubble, one prick and it's all gone. Man who eats prunes gets good run for money. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon finds him in cathouse. Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night. Man with one chopstick goes hungry. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in the basement. Man who scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. 43% of all statistics are worthless. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think. "A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain." . "You never test the depth of a river with both feet." "Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand." "The believer is happy. The doubter is wise." It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow. Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind. Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it. There are no short cuts to any place worth going. Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen. A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato—the best part of him is underground. A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart. A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey. He who never made a mistake never made a discovery. It is never too late to be what you might have been. If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit. You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom. |