Jokes

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows.
• Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for the weekend!
• If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
• They say money talks, but the only thing it ever says to me is good-bye.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a little like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• If builders built buildings the way Microsoft wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
• If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replace, you can't be promoted.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
• The older you get, the better you get, (unless you're a banana)
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do? Write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
• How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
• If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
• Clones are people two.
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
• How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
• If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• The older you get, the better you realize you were.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
• Men are from Earth; women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• How can wars be civil?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn plane made out of that stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• Smile. Half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say 'Open here' ... What is the protocol if the package says, 'Open somewhere else'?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up atm.?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?