For a variety of reasons, courtship may not allow young couples who are considering marriage to make a realistic assessment of each other’s personal traits, preferences, and values. In the process of falling in love and anticipating marriage, it is easy to minimize interpersonal differences. And since much of courtship consists of an attempt to win the other’s approval, courtship is often characterized too by an attempt to camouflage personal weaknesses.
By comparing responses to a questionnaire such as the following, a couple can identify differences in values, assumptions, and expectations. In some of these areas, disagreements may be fairly easy to resolve. In others, they may reveal fundamental differences. In either ease, it is best to be aware of such differences before you decide to marry.
I. PERSONAL GOALS AND EXPECTATIONS
1. How do you feel about women in full-time jobs or careers?
2. If yours were a dual-career marriage, and each of you were offered attractive jobs in different cities, what assumptions would you make about how this situation might be resolved? Do you assume, for example, that the husband’s career advancement is more important than that of the wife?
3. With regard to sex-role expectations, what are some of the things a wife should do for her husband without being asked? What are some of the things a husband should do for his wife without being asked?
4. How would you describe the main differences between your life-style now and what you would like it to be five years from now?
5. If you had to decide between moving to a strange city in order to accept an important promotion or staying in your current job to be among friends and family, which would you choose?
II. FINANCIAL MATTERS
6. With regard to assets held prior to marriage (such as savings, property, etc.), will all such assets owned by each of you prior to marriage be separately held and managed, or will they be merged and jointly managed?
7. Do you currently have any personal debts? Should the payment of those debts be considered a joint responsibility?
8. Should husbands and wives be equal partners in planning the family budget, even if only one is an active wage earner?
9. If both partners are wage earners, should each be responsible for making a proportional contribution to total expenses?
10. If the wife is not an active wage earner, does she have the same right that her husband has to spend a certain percentage of family income as she pleases? -
III. HOUSEHOLD ARRANGEMENTS
11. With regard to the performance of household tasks, should men be expected to share household tasks, such as doing the laundry or washing the dishes, if their wives are full-time housewives?
If their wives are full-time wage earners, should men be expected to perform such household tasks?
12. What tasks around the house are “men’s work”?
13. What tasks around the house are “women s work”?
IV. SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS
14. If you were content with your sexual relationship, but your spouse expressed dissatisfaction with it and wanted to seek the advice of a sex therapist, would you willingly concede to your spouse’s request?
15. Under normal circumstances, what would you consider to be the minimum frequency of sexual relations between husband and wife in a satisfactory relationship?
16. Are there any circumstances under which extramarital affairs should be allowed? Are men's rights in this respect any different from women’s?
V. CHILDREN
17. If a wife has an unplanned pregnancy, do both spouses have equal rights in deciding what should be done?
If that pregnancy occurs at a time when both partners agree that a child is not wanted, do you consider abortion to be an acceptable solution?
18. Do you think you want to have children? If so. how many?
19. Is adoption an acceptable alternative?
20. Is raising children mainly the mother’s responsibility?
21. Suppose one spouse wants a child and the other one doesn’t. What do you do?
VI. RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
22. What vacation or leisure time do you plan to spend with your kinfolk after marriage? Do you assume that your spouse should share such activities?
23. What responsibilities will you have to parents (and other relatives) after marriage, and which do you think your spouse should share?
24. Do you agee that it is desirable for each of the spouses to have some “his” and “her” friends, with whom leisure time is not spent on a couple-to-couple basis?
VII. DURATION OF CONTRACT, RESOLVING DIFFERENCES
25. Do you think it is desirable for a couple to make a commitment for a specified number of years, or until a certain goal is met, such as completing one’s education, or raising children?
26. In the event that a difference cannot be resolved, do you think that both partners should seek the help of a marriage counselor, even if only one spouse believes this is necessary?
VIII. TERMINATING THE AGREEMENT
27. Do you agree that your partnership should be terminated, uncontested, if either individual wishes to do so?
28. If you should seek a divorce, how should common property, debts, income, and living expenses be divided upon dissolution? If only one partner was a wage earner for all or part of the relationship, how should the other be compensated for performing services (such as housekeeping or child rearing) for which no wages are received?
29. If your marriage should be dissolved after you have children, what would you consider to be the most desirable custody arrangement?
IX. CONCLUSION
30. After taking this questionnaire, what other questions and issues should the two of you be asking and discussing?