here we are at the end of another glorious season, gang... the SuperGiantAuggieBowl VI matchup is set, and we are poised to crown a new champion. no point in beating around the bush... let's get to it:
Ephedra Twins 143 Iron Fist 102
well... that didn't work out for me...
i did get what i wanted: another shot at the Twins... apparently, i was doomed to have as much success with this rematch as ira's having picking up chicks with his moustache... after withstanding peyton manning's 5 TD barrage in the morning, the Fist
held in there until a 10 minute stretch just after 3 in the afternoon when tomlinson caught a 14 yard TD, heap caught a TD, and tomlinson drove the stake through my heart with a 68 yard TD... just brutal. it was the first time as an adult that i felt like crapping my pants.
what can you say about this E-Twin club?... hell, what didn't i say about them in the last 48 hours?... but i'm over it now. kind of.
i hate to say it, but i think they need to be considered the best team in the history of our league (assuming that they go on to win it all...). seriously, you need to bring 140 to 150 to beat these fucknuts.
that's just insane... it was a great draft, followed by solid production across the board, and absolutely zero injuries. i mean, just a flawless season to this point. we've had solid teams in the past, but this is on another level.
improbable? you bet. ned and coyle piloting this thing makes the "terminator/conan becomes leader of world's 5th largest economy" disaster to our south look downright
predictable and mundane. hats off to them, but even they have to be pinching themselves at this point. pinch away, you fuckers. i'm appearing before a judge on thursday to change my last name to "Bitterman"...
actually, i have nothing to hang my head about. i scored over a hundred. i gave it a pretty good run out of the #10 draft slot... but man, i haven't had my ass kicked three times like that since fourth grade... i feel like a guy on "Oz" or something. needless to say, i hate this feeling and am already working on ways to rig next year's draft. that's in addition to remembering not to say, "kurt warner" at any point...
fuck.
ViceMonkeys 122 He's Hot 94
lo and behold... it all worked out this year... the two best records, the two highest scoring teams, the two clear cut division champs... are meeting for the whole enchilada!
man, is that boring...
but at least the ViceMonkeys have the firepower to hang with the twins (more on the matchup to follow). this game came down to one thing, and one thing alone: joe horn and his goddamn cellphone. OK, that's technically two things... sue me.
ira thought he was DOOMED after the priest/gonzalez bombardment he'd received early in the day. i'm sure there was much wringing of hands and kvetching in the pollack household...
but then something happened, it started quite small
a doofus named Horn started catching a ball
he caught it quite well, and he started to score
unfortunately ira had stormed out the door
"Hurumph," he said, "my season has ended"
not knowing that Horn could not be defended
he caught one touchdown, then two, and a third came quite quick
and suddenly meg started feeling real sick
By then the choke job was on, as Horn gabbed on his cellphone
and ira was dumbfounded when he logged on from home
a fourth Horn TD sealed meg's ultimate demise
and ira grabbed a win from in front of her eyes
So ira moves on, and poehler is out
and ira has a story to tell flora about
as he wraps up a present, a big juicy ham
with a note reading "Happy Holidays, Joe Horn, from your number one fan"...
SuperGiantAuggieBowl VI Analysis
This one will be a shootout. no question. over the course of the regular season, the monkeys and the twins were only separated by less than 3 points per game,
with both averaging in triple digits. i see no reason why the twins' streak on insane numbers should come to an end. to be honest, they could have done better against me,
only getting 5 from BALT defense and 60-ish yards from hines ward. thus, ira likely needs to bring 130-140 points to the table to win this game.
can he do it? not if mcnair can't go... brad johnson and pennington proved this week that they aren't much on an answer. not when you need to bring 135, man... assuming mcnair can go, ira also needs big things
out of edge james and rudi johnson. i think edge shows up big on sunday night for ira, but rudi at the Rams is a tough matchup. however, i REALLY like randy moss in the saturday game with the chiefs. i think moss
breaks out with one of those "i'm on TV" games. i'm seeing 3 TDs, two of them from deep. if moss can get off big, and if the browns can do anything against the twins' 3 ravens (lewis, heap, and defense), then ira has a shot...
but if tomlinson starts strong... and the colts start pushing manning for MVP with another 5 TD explosion... we will likely see the obvious crowning of the strongest team in league history. built and managed by ned and coyle... i'm just going to let that resonate for a while...
on the bright side, it will also mean that miranda and ned will have to stay through the whole roast this year.
just two things to announce this week:
yo, AuggieBowl contestants and Meg-- we got 3 games on saturday this week, so get those lineups in on friday if you got playaz in them...
i'm just going to set a date for the roast-- january 10th. if that is impossible for someone, let me know. otherwise, that IS the date.
best of luck to the division champs... you had great seasons and you were only mildly annoying.
about to dress auggie up in a football outfit for a promo shot,
11-2-0 1334 points