Caitlin's Journal
January 9, 2003:
Assholes Galore!
Well, only one asshole, really, but he's enough. Eric called today. At first I though he came to his senses and was going to beg for me back, like the pitiful worm that he is, but he just wanted to let me know that I still had crap left at the apartment to pick up. I'm going to have Aidan take me I think...he's not very intimidating, but he's all I've got.
Meanwhile, I told my mom the other day that I'm pregnant. She wasn't exactly thrilled. That's okay though, because I'm determined that I won't screw up this baby as badly as she screwed me up, and I don't care what she thinks. I'm well off enough to care for a child, especially since the bills are split 5 ways in this house.
I'm starting to really hate mornings now. Can't wait for this phase of the pregnancy to pass. I'm not showing at all, though I have gained 10 lbs (argh).
Well, I'm off to collect my "crap." Wish me luck.
January 11, 2003:
Work sucks.
Am at work right now, and OMG is it ever SLOW! Apparently, no one is sick at the moment. Oh well, leaves me time to surf on here cause the boss man doesn't mind. He does it himself when things are slow.
Haley and I went to Wal-Mart and bought a crib the other day. :) I'm getting actually pretty excited about the whole baby thing. Looking at all the sweet little outfits and stuff always cheers me up.
I may be singing a different tune, however, when I have to wake up for 3 AM feedings. We shall see. :)
Okay, I'm gonna go find something useful to do. Bye bye.
January 11, 2003 (continued):
What a night...
Well, I just got a call from someone, informing me that an old friend of Allie's passed away. Everyone is out, and I don't know how I'm going to break news like that to her. Here I was wallowing in my own self-pity for everything that's been going on lately. Well, at least this snapped me out of it.
Aidan is home and wants on here, so I think I'm going to go to bed, even though it's only 8:30. He's going to tell her the news. I think it'll be better that way, coming from someone she's so close to.
January 17, 2003:
Single mom-ness
I talked to my cousin today, and my god what an asshole. He actually said that I should try to find a husband if I can before my baby is born. Some stable guy who is ready for commitment and a family, and that I should look outside of the area where I live if need be.
He then proceeded to call me a feminazi when I said that I didn't need a husband to raise a baby. Argh! I hung up on him and asked Allie to burn the phone.
I would be one mean bitch to leave my friends' house after they've made room for me (fuck, they even remodelled their attic so my baby would have his/her own room). To have them go through all that and then just move away before the baby was even born -- that'd be terrible of me. And you know, I realize that I can't stay here forever. Eventually, I have to go out on my own. But until that time, I am happy here. Aidan told me the other day that he thinks every kid needs some sort of father figure (he didn't have one, and always felt that something was lacking in his life), and if I would let him, he'd like to be that person for my baby -- just a role model, someone to set a good example and to take them to any father-son or father-daughter oriented things. I've become such a damn sap lately, that I just started crying. I wasn't expecting something like that. It's enough he invited me to live here, but now this. He's too generous a person, I think. Ugh, I'm tearing up again now. It was the first time I've ever seen him so serious. Usually he jokes around a lot. He used to snap my training bra and put gum in my hair, for goodness sake. Anyway so then he said "If you get married, I'll step back. And hey, the kid doesn't have to call me dad or get me anything on father's day. I just wanna be there if they need me, since I never had anyone like that in my life." I told him that was sweet, but he would have his own kids someday, and I didn't want to be taking his attention away from them, and I couldn't depend on him forever. So, he told me that he wouldn't have asked me if he wasn't serious about it, that he'd thought it over, and that pretty much settled that. I have to admit, I feel a whole lot better knowing that all my friends are around to support me. GOD I sound so damn SAPPY!!
Well, we're all going out to rent a movie. I'll write more later.
January 23, 2003:
Not much going on lately..
At least with me. Tons of stuff with everyone else in the house, but my life is pretty humdrum lately. I've gained more weight. UGH. I look like a pig. Who would've known that having a baby would make you so fat?! lol.
January 24, 2003:
I need a name!
Well, two names, really. One for a boy and one for a girl. The middle name is going to be Aidan, regardless of the gender (pretty obvious why....the shmushy..lol), and my last name begins with an L, so yeah, nothing that'd make weird initials. An example would be Gary for a boy -- initials would be GAL. Haley, Aidan, and Allie are all sitting here with me, helping me to look through the book and pick. So far our favorites for boys are Jeremy, David, Christopher, or Brian. I tend to like more "normal" names for boys. For girls we like Candice, Dawn, Dianna, Gabriela (it was my granny's name), Kiara, Melissa, Rachel, or Valerie. I want everyone to let me know their honest opinion!
January 24, 2003:
Online assholes.
Why do so many people not understand why we won't meet people in real life? They get all upset and call us paranoid...well, you're damn right we are paranoid. Anyone who has held a dear friend while she cried so hard she could barely breathe because someone she met from online (that she thought she was in love with) raped and nearly killed her would feel the same way. And everyone has to admit, the ratio of crazies to normal people is much higher on here than those you meet in every day life. We would just rather keep online friendships as a diversion to everyday life, nothing more. Sure, we've become close to several people on here, but THEY are the ones who don't pressure us to meet. They can accept the fact that we just aren't comfortable with that, since our judgement was SO unbelievably wrong before (and this guy really did seem nice, we all talked to him on the phone, etc etc). A lot of people would say that is no different than meeting someone in person, but hey, it's a lot easier to act like you're something you're not online or on the phone than when you're face to face with someone.
Furthermore, why can't people just LET IT GO when we say we don't meet people from here in real life? Why do they feel they have to pressure us? Do they honestly think that any of the mean things they say are going to make a difference?
I'm seriously considering not getting on here anymore. People just piss me off too fucking much. I may just do my journal for my long-distance friends and chat with those few people who understand me, but that's it. Fuck everyone else.
January 27, 2003:
Oh boy..or boys...or girls...or boy and girl...
I went to the doctor today, and got to hear TWO heartbeats. Two babies' heartbeats, that is. I'm having twins (!!). I knew it was a possibility, cause my mom is a twin, and two of my sisters are as well, but damn! I really didn't expect it. So, I guess it's a good thing I narrowed down my choices for boys and girls to two choices each. For boys I like David and Jeremy and girls I like Candice and Dawn. I'll also need a new middle name for one of em. I'm thinking both boys I'll name them Jeremy Aidan and David Keith and girls will be Candice Aidan and Dawn Gabriela. Good stuff.
Meanwhile, Riona and I have been kissing a lot lately. Also good stuff. :)
Oh, also, we've all agreed that we're gonna spend much less time on here chatting. Like Eilan said, there are just so many more productive things we could be doing, so if ya don't see us around for awhile, don't worry.
I'm gonna go now. I started crocheting a baby blanket, now I have to work double time in order to get two done, lol.