Emily stopped, her brown eyes mirroring her dismay and striving to hide her pain.

“Nikolas.” She let the word out in a rush of breath even as she fought to breathe deeply. Or maybe to simply breathe. She felt the cold in the air despite the heat of the sun and the shivers flashed down her spine, unbidden, unstopped. She tried again for a semblance of control. “Nikolas.” She opened the door of the gatehouse and then shut it behind her. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I.....I couldn’t stay away.” Nikolas Cassadine stared at the young woman in front of him, the beautiful young woman in front of him. She was a little taller, a little more graceful, a little more polished, and a lot more reserved; but she was still Emily. Still his Emily.

Only she wasn’t. She couldn’t be. Ever.

She closed her eyes as his words washed over, as his voice washed her over, as soothing and gentle as she had imagined it to be all of those times she had given in to her despair and allowed herself to fantasize, to dream about what it would be like to see him again, to hear his voice, to touch him....

She lowered her hand as she remembered what wasn’t a fantasy. That he wasn’t hers. That he could never be hers. He belonged to someone else. And someone else belonged to him.

“I saw Alexis this morning. She told me you were going to plead guilty.”

“She didn’t have that right.” Emily raised her face to his. “It’s none of your business.”

“To hell it isn’t.” Rage threatened to overwhelm him and Nikolas forced himself to clamp down on it. God he hated it when she did this, almost hated her when she did this. She played the martyr almost better than anyone else he knew. In some crazy corner of her mind he knew that she had come to view suffering as a symptom of love, self-sacrifice as the ultimate expression of it. She’d love him enough all those years ago to pretend to be okay with the fact that he had used her friendship as an excuse to steal into the Quartermaine mansion so he could fuck Katherine. She’d loved him enough to cut him out of her life when she had gone to prison. Both times he had to live with the guilt that her suffering had evoked in him. He wasn’t going to let her do it again. “You’re not guilty and you know it.”

“It has nothing to do with my guilt or innocence.” She almost echoed the phrase she had used with his brother. “And its still none of your business. I’m out of your life Nikolas. And you are most assuredly out of mine.”

“Only because you pushed me away.” Nikolas ran a hand through his hair and took a ragged breath. “Do you have any clue what it did to me knowing you were in that hellhole and there was nothing I could do? No way I could touch you. No way I could make things all right for you. I lived for the times I could visit you. Even with that damned glass between us I could still look at you, still see into your eyes, still hear your voice as you pretended that everything was okay. Damm it Emily, when you took even that away from me.....” His eyes drilled into hers and she found herself shrinking back from him. “You had no right to do that. No right to make that choice for me.” He shot the words at her like knives that seemed to cut through her so damned easily.

“I had to. You would never have let go if I hadn’t forced you to. I wanted you to live your life Nikolas. I needed you to. I didn’t want to share my prison with you.”

“So you forced me into one of my own.”

“You were free, Nikolas. Free to live your life the way you wanted to. Free to come and go. Free to do what you pleased.”

“You have no idea what kind of a prison loneliness is, do you Em? I loved you so damned much. I wanted to stand by. I needed to stand by you. And you pushed me aside like I was nothing.”

“No! Nikolas you were everything. You were my everything.” Emily stopped when she realized she was yelling and the tears were streaking down her face. “And all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.” She closed her eyes against the rush of emotion that swept through her. “I saw you the other day.” She took a deep breath. Damn the words were hard to say. Hard to make real. “With your family. You looked...happy.”

“I am.” The simple response made Emily ache where she thought she was no longer capable of aching. Damn, now was not the time to start feeling again. “Most of the time.” Nikolas finished.

“Happiness most of the time is better than most people get Nikolas.”

Nikolas nodded. “It’s not what I planned on.”

Emily looked away. “You know what they say about the best laid plans.” Emily felt defeated, disinterested, light years away from the intense emotional battle of just a few seconds ago. She just wanted to crawl into a hole and let the darkness hide her. As if she no longer had the strength to keep herself standing, she found herself sliding to the concrete step and sitting down, head on her knees.

Nikolas watched her for a moment, seeing so much of the young girl in the woman she had become. After a moment, he sat down next to her.

“I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was moving forward.” His voice was quiet, soft. “Then when Alexis told me what you had planned.....” His voice trailed off and when he began again it was soft, pleading. “Emily you can’t do this. You can’t give up.”

“That’s what Lucky said.” Emily didn’t know whether to curse the day Laura Webber’s sons had entered her life or bless it. How much easier would it be to give up if others weren’t pushing you to stay in the game? “I’m not giving up. I’m just playing it safe.”

“You saw Lucky?” Nikolas eyes widened in shock and concern.

Emily nodded. “A couple of times.”

“He hasn’t been the same since Elizabeth died Em, you can’t take what he says...”

“He said he thinks I’m innocent.”

Nikolas stopped and stared. And continued to stare. He and Lucky hadn’t been close for years, Lucky’s unyielding belief in Emily’s guilt had driven a wedge between the two brothers. Not to mention the fact that every time he saw his brother lately Lucky was drunk.

“Lucky believes you’re innocent?” Nikolas couldn’t keep the disbelief out of his voice.

Emily laughed harshly. “Ironic isn’t it?” She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve made up my mind. I’m going forward with the plea bargain.”

“Why? God Em you have the chance for another trial...”

“And another conviction and another sentence of life without the possibility of parole. I can’t do that. I can’t go through that again. Not if I don’t have to. And I don’t.”

“What if a new jury finds you innocent? What if you could go free?”

Emily looked up at Nikolas, her eyes huge and filled with a sadness that made Nikolas ache. “I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore Nikolas. I’m not going to the ball. The mice are just mice and the pumpkin just a pumpkin. The slipper doesn’t fit. And happily ever after is just a myth.” She gestured broadly. “Reality is about concrete walls and prison bars and things you don’t want to think of even in the daylight much less dream about at night.” She sighed softly. “I didn’t kill Elizabeth but if saying I did and spending another ten years in that cell block means that I’ll walk out when those ten years are up, then that’s what I’ll do.” She pulled her arms tighter around her knees. “Whatever it takes.”

“Once you would have done whatever it took to prove your innocence.”

t won’t work Nikolas. I’m not changing my mind.”

“Just tell me what you are afraid of.”

shot him a look. “I told you, I’m afraid of being in prison for the rest of my life.”

He shook his head. “Don’t try that on me. I know you better than that. If that was all that this was about, you would be fighting tooth and nail to prove your innocence during this new trail. You only get like this when.....” He closed his eyes as the realization hit him. “You’re doing this for me.”

Her laughter was shaky as she stood up, putting distance between them. “It’s nice to see that your ego hasn’t deflated any Cassadine.”

I’m right, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re wrong. I don’t want to risk a new trail when I can make a deal. Not to mention what a new trial will do to my parents or to my brothers or to my grandparents. And Mrs. Hardy. And Sarah. Elizabeth’s parents.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to hurt anyone again. Not when nothing will change. Why put everyone through so much anguish for no reason. That’s all.”

“That’s not all.” Nikolas grabbed her by the shoulders and glared at her. “I mean that’s part of it, but this is about me too.”

“You have a family Nikolas. They’re your future. The last thing you need is a trial that will dredge up a past that’s best left forgotten. Do you remember what the tabloid did to you, to us, during the first trial?”

“Damm it Emily Quartermaine. I am sick and tired of you playing God with my life. I’m sick of your continuing to sacrifice yourself for me, when you are...were..the most important thing in my life. I’m not helpless and I’m not made of glass. I won’t shatter at the slightest pressure. Granted I didn’t grow up on the run like Lucky and I didn’t face being all alone in the world at the age of ten or being taken in by that pack of hyenas you call a family, but I wasn’t exactly raised with a silver spoon in my mouth either. Or at least if it was there it came with a price tag attached. At a time when most kids are learning to read, I was learning to play the game of being a Cassadine and it wasn’t fun. Em....Emily...” He released her and took a step away. “Just once can’t you let somebody else take care of you? Let somebody else make a sacrifice for you?”

She stared at him hesitantly, her heart leaping at the look that she thought she saw flicker in his eyes. “You know what people will say.”

“I don’t give a damn.”

“Your wife will.” Emily felt reality crash around her and she could feel the despair dig deeper in her until she wasn’t sure where she stopped and the pain began. “Your wife and your child don’t deserve what will happen if I get a new trial.”

Nikolas pulled himself up into an eerie echo of his uncle. “My wife and my child are Cassadines. They can handle it.”

If she could have smiled, she almost would have at that point. “Nice to see that you still have that humble personality.”

“Admit it Quartermaine, you love my arrogance.” He blushed as he realized what he had said.

“I....” Emily glanced at Nikolas. She wouldn’t say it. She wouldn’t even feel it. She wouldn’t. “I still think I should take the plea.” She looked up and chocolate brown eyes sank into golden brown ones. “I don’t want to spend my life in prison.”

“You won’t. Alexis thinks she can win this time.”

“And if she can’t?”

The question hung in the air between them as Nikolas sighed. “Just think about it, okay?” He grabbed her hand and held it in his own.

“No promises.”

“No promises.”

Emily stared down at the hand holding hers, feeling the warmth emanating from it. The cold feel of the metal band around his finger.

She dropped his hand. “You should go.”

“I know.” He stayed where he was.

“Nikolas....”

“I want to kiss you.” She stared at him in shock, not even aware that she was leaning towards him. “I want to kiss you,” he continued softly. “But I can’t.”

“Because of her.”

“Because I’m afraid that once I hold you again I won’t be able to let you go. I won’t be able to walk away. And I need to walk away Emily.”

“I know.”

“I hate this. I really really hate this.” He took a deep breath. “She isn’t you but she loves me and even more importantly I do love her. Not the way I loved you, but its love nonetheless. And I made her a promise that I won’t take lightly and I won’t break. She and my daughter are my family and I won’t let anything hurt my family, not even myself.” He rubbed a tear off her cheek with his thumb. “She’s not you.”

Emily shook her head, overwhelmed at the sadness of it all. “I’m not who I was either Nikolas. I’m not the same person I was five years ago.”

“I still love you.”

It doesn’t matter.”

“I know. It doesn’t change how I feel. I love my wife. I’m in love with my wife. I don’t want to lose her.” His eyes never left hers. “Yet if you asked me to stay I would.”

“Then its a good thing I’m not asking, isn’t it? We can’t go back Nikolas. We can’t pretend the last five years didn’t happen to either of us. I don’t think you would want to even if you could.”

Nikolas closed his eyes as he remembered holding his newborn daughter in his hand and the joy having a real family had brought into his life. He opened his eyes and looked into the eyes that had belonged to the girl he had promised to love forever. And he would love her forever. There were just some things more important than love he realized.

“No I wouldn’t.” Nikolas agreed softly. “Emily...” He started and then stopped, unsure of what exactly to say. “You’ve always fought for those you love. This time, fight for yourself too.”

Emily didn’t say anything and after a second or too, Nikolas turned and walked away.

Emily stood frozen where he had left her, grief burning inside of her and a wild pain pouring through her.

So lost in her own world was she that she didn’t hear the footsteps approach, didn’t feel a gentle hand on her shoulder, didn’t hear a familiar voice whisper her name.

And she didn’t even know that she had buried her head in his shoulder and started to cry until she felt his arms wrap around her and hold her tight.

She didn’t hear the soothing words he murmured or the whispered vow Lucky Spencer made to never let her go.