Chapter Fifty Four - Shattered Hopes...and Battered Dreams

Nikki stared at Doctor Noah with an open mouth and her sky colored blue eyes wide eyes, she opened and closed her mouth a few times, unable to find the words to express her shock….

Doctor Noah studied her reaction and commented “I take it this is a surprise”

Nikki let out a choked whimper as she gaped at him “A surprise? I’m stunned! I can’t be pregnant… are you sure there hasn’t been some mistake??”

Doctor Noah frowned, “Well…” He coughed “Why not?”

Nikki exclaimed, “I’m on the pill, I have been for the past few years”

Doctor Noah said “Well, nothing is a 100% safe, you know that…But the pill is as close as you can get – if you take them regularly.”

He added gently, “I read the papers, Nikki, I know a lot has been going on with you and your family, could it be possible that you’ve forgotten to take a few?”

Nikki tried to remember and then reached for her beg and took her birth control pills out, she opened them and sighed “Ugh…Oh that’s just wonderful…”

There were way too many pills in the box.

She shook her head and shrugged “Things got so crazy with my family, I guess I did miss few…”

She buried her face in her hands and began laughing through her tears “I was just giving me 19 years old son a lecture, I told him to be careful, don’t get your girlfriend pregnant… and now it turns out I’m pregnant…oh god!”

She was PREGNANT?

She hasn’t even missed a peri….or did she? She couldn’t remember, the last two months has been so difficult, Nicholas’s trial, the prison….She really couldn’t remember when she had it last, she remembered one in November…what about last month?

Nikki got up from the chair and paced around the room, ignoring Doctor Noah’s presence entirely “I don’t believe it, a baby…” She whispered to herself ”I’m going to have another baby…Oh *god*…”

Nikki was just stunned beyond belief, a pregnancy was the last thing she thought of…and thinking back, she berated herself for not noticing it before.

She had no appetite, weight lost, the nausea, a general feeling off being “Off”… her moods…. She associated everything with the problems with Nicholas and later – her accident, but it was EXACTLY the way she felt in all her previous pregnancies…

She looked up and her eyes met Doctor Noah’s and said, feeling like a total fool “I can’t believe I didn’t know… I had all the signs, come to think of it”

Doctor Noah smiled at her “Nikki, you’re not the first woman this had happened to”

Nikki let out a chuckle “Yea, but I’m probably the only woman who managed to be surprised so many times, Nicholas and Victoria weren’t exactly planned either”

She sighed and shook her head, not knowing what to think “Oh Victor…. He is going to be…Oh…just blown away” She muttered to herself"Talk about one time being enough!"

Now it was doctor’s Noah turn to be surprised, he didn’t hear she and Victor were remarried, if anything, the last thing he heard, Victor Newman was a married man…but… apparently not.

She could see the way his eyes involuntarily glanced at her fingers… Nikki’s eyes glimmered and she put both hands on the table and said with a smile “Are you looking for a wedding ring, Doctor? Because you won’t find one”

Doctor Noah was embarrassed for his curiosity but admitted to the truth, “I have to that I am a little curious, Nikki…I haven’t heard of any recent marriage…but you don’t have to tell me anything”

Nikki announced with an almost childish smile that began to spread on her lips “Victor and I are back together, we’re not remarried yet, he has just been divorced recently, but we’re definitely on the right track”

Doctor Noah smiled at her “Congratulations…”

Nikki grinned “My kids doesn’t even know, so feel yourself honored”

Doctor Noah said, chuckling, “I am”

Nikki shook her head with a dreamy expression on her face “Well, the baby just HAS to be Victor’s, I mean I haven’t been with anyone else for mon…”

And then she froze, and felt as if huge, cold, painful iron clasps tighten over her heart and gave it a squeeze, she tried to breath but felt as if she couldn’t.

Doctor Noah was alarmed at the change of her demeanor and her sudden pallor, he put his hand over her and asked “Nikki, are you okay?”

Nikki shook her head no…

Doctor Noah asked her “Are you in pain?”

Nikki whispered “No, No…That’s not it…Oh…oh god….”

She looked up at him and said in a small whimper “I’m not sure… I’m not sure Victor is the father…”

She buried her face in her hands, she couldn’t believe it was happening to her.

Doctor Noah got up and handed her a glass of water, Nikki tried to drink it but got choked on her tears and started to cough, she put the glass down on the table.

Doctor Noah looked at her with concern and said “Nikki…”

Nikki sniffed and said in a broken voice said “What?”

Doctor Noah said firmly “You need to tell me a little more if you want me to help you”

Nikki closed her eyes and tried to compose herself, and let her mind wander back…

She and Victor made love on the first of December -  it was the day Nicholas was given his 15 years in prison, that she was sure of, she never would forget that date…

She and Brad…damn it, when was the last time?

They hardly saw each other since the beginning of Nick’s trial…except of a few times…

But there was that time they made love in his office…it was the last time they slept together, she showed up in his office, looking for love and comfort…

When was it? About two weeks before Nick’s verdict was given? Did she had another period afterwards?? As much as she tried to remember, she couldn’t…

She said quietly, her forehead wrinkled in a frown “It’s suppose to be about two weeks, a week and a half between both times…” She said dejectedly “It not much time apart…is there anyway I can know?

Doctor Noah asked her gently “Don’t you remember when was your last period?”

Nikki shook her head and said in a choked voice “No, I don’t…”

Doctor Noah said reassuringly “Well, there is a good chance they can tell you after an Ultrasound…Nikki, I’m not an OBGYN, you need to talk to Doctor Lasky about it…”

Nikki nodded and said hurriedly “Is he on today?”

Doctor Noah said “Let me check”

He reached to the phone and dialed to doctor Lasky’s office “Yes, Rose, Is Alan there, this is Doctor Noah, I need to speak with him urgently…Yea. Aha, Aha…he isn’t? When is he du…not until tomorrow morning?

Nikki let out a moan and laid her head on her hands, feeling completely helpless…

Doctor Noah glanced at her and asked “What about Doctor Simpson?

Nikki said “Anyone!”

He called the main nurse station “Hey, where is Doctor Simpson… Oh, C-section… Doctor Fridman? Medical convention…okay, yes, thank you”

Nikki listened to his conversation, mortified “Is there no Gynecologist to be found in this hospital??”

Doctor Noah said with a restrained smile “I bet I can find you an intern”

Nikki glared at him “Please”

Doctor Noah said gently “Nikki, this isn’t an emergency”

Nikki cried “Yes it is! Victor and I are suppose to tell my children that we’re getting back together, I can’t do while it’s uncertain whether I’m pregnant with another man’s child!” She buried her face in her hands in total desperation.

Doctor Noah handed her a tissue and she raised her red, tear-filled eyes to look at him “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you… I just don’t know what to do, there is no way I can explain to Victor why I don’t want to talk to the children tonight, he was so excited about it, I was so excited about it…He would never understand”

Doctor Noah had very little comfort to offer her, he said “The nurse did say that Doctor Lasky will be here tonight for an hour or so, around 10 PM to go over some files…”

Nikki shook her head, her fingers absentmindedly abusing the little piece of tear soaked tissue that crumbled in her hand “I can’t, there is a big party to celebrate Nicholas’s release at Catharine Chancellor’s house, I can’t miss it”

Doctor Noah was quiet, he didn’t know what to tell her…

Nikki got up, and wiped her tears and turned to him and said, trying to keep her voice calm “Thank you…really…again, I’m…I’m sorry for my outburst”

Doctor Noah tried one last word of advice “If there is one thing I know about Victor, is that he loves you very much. I would never forget the hours and days he sat at your bedside when you were in the hospital right before your back surgery. He wouldn’t want you to go through this alone”
 

Nikki sent him a weary look “Yes, and then I got pregnant with Jack’s child, and I chose to have it, and mine and Victor’s future was no more. I don’t think he ever truly forgive me for my decision to keep the baby…he understood… but it was very hard for him to understand how I could have thrown all that we had away”

Nikki shrugged sadly “My baby never made it…but even when me and Jack broke up – Victor and I never got back together…and I have no idea how he would deal with the thought of me possibly having another man’s child…again. I just don’t…and I don’t know what I would do if I *am* pregnant with Brad’s child…”

She gave him a sad smile “Thanks for all your support…”

Doctor Noah said quietly “Take care Nikki” He handed her the box of tissues “For the road”

Nikki accepted the tissues with a shaky smile and wordlessly walked out, trying to contain her tears as she crossed the hall into the alleviator…

She entered the Alleviator alone… as the door closed behind her she let herself start crying, she couldn’t believe it was happening, the thought that she might be carrying Brad’s child *now*… it was too painful for her to even deal with.

The thought of another child was shocking enough, and she definitely wouldn’t have chosen to get pregnant so soon after reuniting with Victor.

She didn’t kid herself, they loved each other so much but were still on treacherous ground…their reunion was still something they just learned to accept again, and still looked more like a fantasy than a reality to her.

Plus, She never would have chosen to bring another child into their relationship without being a 100% positive that this was something they both wanted and could handle, and that they would survive just about every obstacle put in their way.

Even if the baby was Victor’s – there’s no telling what he would feel about it, she wanted him to be excited about it as she is.

But that isn’t even an issue, if the baby wasn’t his…

She couldn’t help thinking of what his expression might be when he finds out about it, she could easily visualize the pain and anger and hurt in his eyes.

He couldn’t even deal with talking about her relationship with Brad, and chose to ignore it completely, which suited just fine to her, but this changes EVERYTHING.

**12:12 PM**

Going out to the street it struck her that she needs to call a cab, but where? There is no way, no how she was going to tell the children the truth today, not with this hanging over their heads, but oh…how will she explain this to Victor? She didn’t want to tell him about the baby, she couldn’t, not when she still isn’t sure who the father is, no point putting him through that.

But she was so confused and so torn, she longed to share it with him, isn’t that what she’s suppose to be doing? Didn’t they promise not to keep secrets anymore?
She would have to tell him eventually, no matter what the result might be…

Furthermore, She couldn’t think of even one half decent excuse that would explain why she’s postponing telling the children… and she knew Victor would be able to tell that she’s lying to him, and he would feel terribly rejected by her. The thought of what that might do to their relationships was too horrible to think of.

Her mind set, Nikki hauled a cab “Newman Enterprises, please” She said to the driver.

As Nikki relaxed against the warm seat, she rested her hand on her stomach, closed her eyes and tried to sense the new life within it…

God…how much she hoped it was Victor’s baby. The thought of raising another child with him caused a smile to spread on her face, despite it wasn’t the way she had planned it… Ever since they reunited she just wanted to enjoy the moment, a thought of a third child didn’t even enter her mind.

She knew that when she married Victor for the first time, she wanted as many children as she could possibly fit in, and it just didn’t work out that way… but now…

A pained expression crossed her features when she remembered it might not be his child at all…

**12: 32**

At his office, Victor was going through the stacks of mail that had piled up on his desk, a lot of the things were addressed to him and listed personal, so Jack didn’t go through them and neither did Connie…

He opened mail after mail, and the pile didn’t seem any lower.

He had a meeting in an hour, a late business lunch with Roger Harrison –the CEO of a company he was dealing with, and had a 40 pages report to read Brad had made for him before that…He hasn’t been so behind in ages… and he hasn’t been so anxious to get out of the office in ages, either.

He looked at his watch, It was noon, Nikki and himself would be sitting in front of their children in a few hours, telling them that they are in love, getting back together and reuniting the family.

After that… the future is theirs…no holding back, no setbacks…

He sighed and closed his eyes, he loved her so much it was virtually painful to think about her.
Victor smiled to himself when he fantasized of what they would do later, after they tell the kids, after the party…
Maybe they would simply take off somewhere together…or just go back to the ranch and make love till morning...maybe a combination of the two..
The thought made him long it would be tonight already, they have waited too long already.

Then suddenly his eyes rested on a simple, white envelope, addressed to him. His name and address were written in a very distinct, carefully drawned, familiar handwriting – Hope’s.

Seeing the envelop rattled him, and he slowly took it in his hands… he hasn’t talked to his estranged wife for over a month, maybe more…and he hasn’t seen his son for even longer period of time.

He had thought about them more often in the past few days, once it became clear Nicholas was going to be released…He had missed them, especially his son.
He didn’t think he would to that extent but he has – it might have been related with the fact he was very close of losing his older son, he suddenly realized he was losing his youngest son as well.

That saddened him, the thought he might be throwing away his relationship with his son forever.

But he had no idea what Hope would say about him re  - involving himself in his son’s life, she was with Cliff now and wanted him to raise their son…
A little part of him was jealous, he never could stand Cliff, but he understood Hope’s point of view where he was concerned, Cliff was everything he wasn’t – stable and secure.

Another part of him missed Hope as well, he was extremely mad and frustrated when she left, he still was – but she was still a woman he used to love, and still did care deeply for her.
She had brought a lot to his life, and he never wished for them to go their separate ways like that, in so much pain and anger.

He opened the envelope carefully, a note and a few pictures slide from it and onto the table…

He picked up the pictures…the smiling face of a beautiful 8 month old baby in a mini santa suit looked at him, from his safe place between his mother’s arms…A few more pictures of the baby alone, and another one with Hope.

Victor was grateful to her that she decided to at least spare him of the happy family portrait…

He closed his eyes and sighed deeply and then looked at his son's picture again, and the pain hit him even more strongly…he was such a cute child and he was his father, and didn’t know him at all, another man was the father in his life.

He looked at the note “Dear Victor...I hope you'll enjoy seeing your son, happy new year, Hope”...

He picked up the phone and dialed Hope’s number…
 
 

Out in the hall Nikki got out of the Alleviator, and walked toward Victor’s office on shaky feet “Oh… what would I say? Do I tell him that I’m pregnant and I’m not sure who fathered my baby or do I wait till I know something?”

She stood at the door and looked at Victor a crack in the door, he had leaned his chair backwards and held the receiver to his ear in a certain way he always did when he was preparing for a long, difficult conversation…

She was so afraid of losing him… she had fought for him so hard, and loved him for so long… Why did it have to happen now? She felt a lump go up her throat and fought to repress it, she couldn’t cry right now, not now…

She sniffed loudly, composed herself and was about to go into the room when she heard Victor speak “Betty, it’s Victor Newman… Yes, how are you? Is Hope there? Could you put her on please?”

And for the second time in the matter of hours, Nikki felt herself unable to breathe, and stopped on her tracks…Hope… He was calling Hope, but why?

Nikki knew in her heart what she was doing is wrong, that she shouldn’t be doing that, … but that didn’t stop her from staying right where she was and listen in on his conversation.
 
 

“Hello?”

Victor sighed and replied softly “Hello Hope”

Hope asked, surprised “Victor?”

Victor said “Yes, it’s me”

Hope paused and then said in a slightly offended tone “I didn’t think I’d hear from you”

Victor said “I wasn’t in the office for a long time, I just received your letter, and the photos...Thank you”

Hope said softly “I heard Nicholas was acquitted, I’m happy for you”

Victor closed his eyes and said “And it means a lot to me”

Nikki closed her eyes in pain...she didn’t want to hear it, she didn’t want to know it, and she was afraid to listen any further... It wasn’t fair, why now? When she needed him most?

She could see him from the doorway, he was obviously affected from talking to *her* again....The woman

Hope asked him, touched “Does it?”

Victor said “Of course he does, did you doubt it?”

Hope said in a restrained voice “I don’t think we should dredge all of this up now”

Victor agreed “Yes, you’re right... that’s not why I called anyway”

Hope asked “Why did you?”

Victor said softly “I wanted to know how you are, how our boy is doing...”

Hope smiled tearfully “He’s growing up”

Victor looked at the photo and chuckled “He sure does...I see he is standing up, that sort of early, isn’t it?”

Hope smiled proudly “Very early, but he is a big boy, just like his father”

Victor smiled through his tears, tears Nikki saw well from the doorway, and he said “That’s nice to hear...I’ve missed him you know”

Hope said softly “I know...” She made a stop, and asked Victor quietly “Did you think of me too?”

Victor paused and then reminded her “Hope, you filed for divorce, when my son was fighting for his freedom...”

Hope asked plainly “Does that mean you didn’t?”

Victor said quietly “I never said that...I wondered how you’ve been getting along, I’ve been worried about you, I always have, and I always will”

Behind the door, Nikki was crying quietly, biting her lip hard to keep from making sound ..Victor’s words to Hope piercing her heart... How could she ever think she would ever win him back completely, it wasn’t the same, it would never be the same, he had a child from another woman now, a woman he evidently still cares for...

Hope said “I’m fine, you know I’m a survivor”

Victor chuckled “I know...How’s Cliff?”

Hope replied “He’s fine, trying to take care of me”

Victor sighed “I’m sure he is, he always knew how to do it, apparently much better than I did”

Hope said, a little coldly “I do not need being taken care of, although it’s nice that he is trying”

Victor chewed on the inside of his cheek, annoyed “What you’re saying is, that I wasn’t trying”

Hope said “I don’t think you knew how to, Victor...” She paused and closed her eyes and said “I apologize, I didn’t mean to fight with you...”

Victor said “I don’t either, I called because I saw the pictures and...” He sighed “I was reminded of what we shared, including our son, I’ve missed him very much, and a part of me missed you too...”
 

Nikki has heard enough, she thought that if she stayed there, a silent witness to that conversation, she would do something she regrets, or lose it completely... if she hasn’t already.

Blankly she turned around and started walking toward Alleviator, hardly aware of her actions, she wanted to crawl into a little corner and simply disappear, break something or to cry until she had no more tears left.
She just knew that she didn’t want to deal with what happened to her life in the past few hours, learning she might be carrying Brad’s child, finding out that Victor still has feelings for Hope, it was too hard, too much... this morning her life seemed perfect, or was she just deluding herself all along? Was she ignoring the feelings Victor obviously still had for Hope?

No, she couldn’t blame just herself for that, she asked Victor, repeatedly, and he denied having feelings for Hope. Was he lying to himself or to her? Hope did the break up of that marriage, not Victor.

“Oh what difference does this make anyway?!” She cried as she finally got outside to the street, into the snow and the half deserted park right beneath the building of Newman Enterprises, “If The Baby is Brad’s, what difference does it make if Victor still got feelings for Hope, and if the baby isn’t Brad’s, how could I bring another baby into the turmoil that is mine and Victor’s life if he is still in love with his ex wife, who have a small son by him?”

Nikki was so overcome by her anger and pain, she didn’t even think of the possibility that she haven’t heard the entire conversation.
 

 
 

**1:05 PM**

19 floors up, in his office... Victor continued “Yes, a part of me missed you too, but what we had didn’t work, we both felt unfulfilled and lonely for a long time”

Hope quietly replied “I know...I haven’t forgotten”

Victor sighed “Well... I just wanted to call... check up on you both, and let you know that I’m here if you need anything...and to thank you for the photos, they were lovely”

Hope replied “So I’ve been told”

Victor said “Take care Hope”

Hope whispered “You too”

Victor buried his face in his hands for a moment and then composed himself and took that picture of his son in his hands...looking at it for a long few moments.